Feelin' the Vibe (25 page)

T
here was so much turbulence when we began our descent into Baltimore. My jittery nerves didn’t help. With every bump, I gripped
the armrest and the couple next to me looked at me like I smelled bad. They had no clue what was going on with me. The second
the plane landed, I called my mother.

She answered, “Teeny told me where you were.”

“I know.”

“So, what do you think?”

“I think that little fast girl is lying.”

“I don’t know,” she said suspiciously.

I expected something different from her. My mother was Kenneth’s biggest fan, but the uncertainty in her voice wasn’t comforting.

“Why didn’t Reggie get him out?”

“Number one, we didn’t know where you were or if you already knew something. We just wanted to stay out of it. Reggie went
out there and got all of Morgan’s clothes. She’s going to stay with us when she comes home next week.”

My eyes watered again. It was a surprise that I still had tears, because I’d been crying nearly twenty-four hours.

“So you guys think he’s guilty.”

“Well…”

“Ma,” I snapped.

“Well…”

“You know he would never do that.”

“Well…”

People getting off the plane stared at me as I yelled into the phone. “Ma, you know Kenneth. He’s never touched Morgan. Why
would he want to do something like that?”

“Well, Clark. If it looks like dog, barks like a dog, chances are it’s not a cat.”

I felt dizzy as I stood up to get off. I couldn’t believe my ears. So many advisors told me to get boys, because girls used
the sexual-abuse thing too much and they could ruin your life. I refused to believe that and got girls anyway. I thought I
could help them.

“Ma, let me go. I have to get my bags.”

“Clark, just keep your eyes and ears open. You just never know. They don’t arrest you unless they have strong evidence.”

I hung up the phone. I couldn’t take another second of it. Reggie had brainwashed her. I couldn’t have been that blind. There
was no way I could be married to a predator and not know it.

I called Teeny after I got my bags and headed out of the airport. When I got in the car, I began to be plagued with doubt,
too. Teeny told me that Raven claimed that when she visited Kenneth for therapy sessions, they would have sex. It began merely
with her giving him oral sex and then progressed to an all-out relationship. He supposedly gave her money to go out, and also
bought her clothes.

As she rolled off the allegations, I said, “So what made her tell now?”

Kenneth had to cancel her session and she flipped out on his receptionist, claiming he was her man. The receptionist called
the police on Raven, but Kenneth was the one they hauled away. Teeny warned, “You know it’s typical for young girls to fall
in love with their therapists. Right?”

I nodded, feeling strange.

“I’m thinking she’s just obsessed with him. And not only that, Clark, Raven is obsessed with you. You know how she wants everything
you have. That includes your man.”

My heart plunged. Raven had seen me walk out of the room with Devin at the conference. Could it be that if she thought I was
cheating, that would give her full rein on my husband? I started sweating. Just when I’d convinced myself that being true
to myself wouldn’t kill anyone, here it was my husband was about to lose everything, after years of grinding, after all the
blood, sweat, and tears. Guilt consumed me. I had to get him out of jail and hold him until it felt better. This was all my
fault.

The next morning, I took the deed to my house to the courthouse, and a few hours later I picked up Kenneth. He hadn’t shaved,
and he looked like he’d been crying the whole time he was in there. I got out of my car and ran to hug him. This man who never
cries, rarely shows emotion, wept on my shoulder.

“Baby,” he said.

“I know. I understand.”

“I didn’t do it. I swear.”

That was all I needed to hear. I knew there was no way possible Kenneth could sleep with that on his conscience. “It’s okay,
baby. Let’s go home. I’m here now.”

He kissed my cheek. “Thank you so much, Clark. Thank you.”

He didn’t have to thank me. This was what marriage was about. My plans to run off and leave him high and dry were now a thing
of the past. I had to focus on the future of my marriage. This was my obligation and, if nothing more, I vowed to be with
him through this.

When we got back home, he wanted to talk about why Raven wanted to hurt him. I’d already concluded all these things. I told
him that he didn’t have to explain, that I believed him. End of subject.

When I got a private moment, I e-mailed Devin. We were on ice until further notice. I had to handle this situation, and at
that moment I wasn’t sure I could leave or even that I wanted to.

I
f you love something, don’t fuck it up, because you may not ever get it again. Just when I had Clark on the right path, everything
blew up. She felt more guilt than question. If this man was a molester, she should have been anxious to get out of the marriage.
Yet she couldn’t even wrap her mind around the possibility that he could be involved.

Beyond wanting to be Clark’s man, I wanted the best for her, too. So I transferred twenty thousand dollars into Clark’s bank
account. The thanks I got was an e-mail telling me it was possible that our relationship was over. It wasn’t as if I could
do anything but wait.

By the time I arrived back home, I hadn’t heard from Clark and I wondered if I should disrupt my home for something so unstable.
When I got off the plane, I decided not to call Taylor. I wasn’t sure what angle I was coming from yet. Instead, I sent Clark
a text:
HOW IS EVERYTHING
?

When I sat in the car, I checked my phone and she responded:
DEVIN, I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL, BUT IT’S JUST NOT OUR TIME RIGHT NOW
.

Clark had a way of hitting where it hurt. I was crushed as I reflected on all the plans we had made in Nicaragua, and now
it wasn’t our time. When the driver pulled up to the house, he got my luggage from the car, and I opened the garage door.
Taylor’s car was gone, and I was thankful I had a minute to gather my thoughts before I saw her.

I dragged myself into the house and turned on the light. I sat at the island in the kitchen and just stared into space. It
was ironic because I was semihappy before Clark appeared, and now everything Taylor did was wrong.

Suddenly, I reverted to my ex–best friend, Jason:
You spoiled-ass, selfish motherfucker. You don’t give a shit about anybody, as long as you get what you want
. That shit weighed heavy on me as I reflected on everything, how I’d abruptly left Clark and married Jennifer, how I’d ignored
his request and not only dated Taylor but married her. Now I was considering leaving Taylor because the opportunity to be
with Clark arose. What the fuck is wrong with me? I banged my fist on the granite countertop.

I looked at my cell phone and I felt like I wanted to call my boy, but I knew it would be the same as the other times I’ve
tried—straight to voice mail. Was Clark really the solution to all the problems in my life? Could it be that the idea of Clark
was just something I conjured up in my mind to justify my irrational behavior? Never enough. What if I finally got the chance
to have Clark and I still wasn’t happy? What then? Could I really afford that risk without looking like a damn loose cannon?

Taylor entered through the side door and startled me. I hadn’t even heard the garage door. She said, “Hey, baby.”

She hugged me and landed kisses all over me. Something seemed superficial about her love. “I missed you, honey.”

That was hard for me to believe, considering she wasn’t even home when I arrived. As I battled internally with her, she hugged
me again tightly. I slightly pushed her from me. She looked confused. “Baby, don’t act like that.”

After spending the week with Clark, I knew what I was missing in my relationship. And maybe if she understood what I needed,
I could abandon the thought of leaving her for Clark. Especially considering Clark was torn and convinced it wasn’t our time.
And after the way she bolted out of there, prepared to defend this man against all odds, I wasn’t sure she’d ever be ready
to let go. Clark was committed, and until someone hurt her she probably would never simply walk out. And I probably wouldn’t
even want her in that condition, so maybe, I thought, I should just be thankful for what I have.

I looked Taylor in the eye. “If this marriage is going to work, I need some things from you.”

Her head snapped back as if she was surprised. I nodded. “Yes, if this marriage is going to work, I need you to be my wife.
If I wanted a damn buddy, I would have stayed single. I need you to be supportive. I need you at fund-raising events. I want
you to travel with me on my missions. I need you to connect to my emotions.”

“What?”

“Taylor, I work with women all the time, and they always want to know where my wife is.”

“But you liked that about me, that I never got in your business.”

“That was when we were dating, Taylor. You’re my wife. You’re a part of my business now. Act like it.”

She looked like she understood, and I wanted her to say something that made sense. Instead, she hit me with “Are you threatening
me?”

I hung my head, because it was clear that words could not explain what I needed. Either it came naturally or it didn’t. “No,
Taylor I’m not threatening you. I’m pleading with you.”

She stared out the patio doors for a few seconds. Finally, she turned to face me. “I’ll do my best, Devin.”

“That’s all I can ask for.”

I stood up and she stood up, too. She followed me up the stairs as I took my luggage into the room. When we got into the room,
she asked me for a kiss. I gave her a halfhearted peck. She lifted my shirt and kissed on my chest.

“Taylor, stop. I’m tired. I had a long flight.”

She pouted, walked into her closet, and changed into her pajamas. I went in the bathroom to brush my teeth and got prepared
for bed. As I walked out, Taylor brushed up against me while coming in. She sucked her teeth. I didn’t acknowledge her. She
was offended, but I was in search of something greater, something to settle the hunger, something that made me feel like I
felt when I was with Clark.

T
he court date was scheduled for the middle of October. It would be five months of agony before Kenneth cleared his name. The
money that Devin gave me wouldn’t nearly be enough to carry us through the trial. I didn’t know what we were going to do,
but whatever had to be done, I guessed we would do it together, because everyone else had incriminated him. Teeny was probably
the only person who believed him and that was because she worked with these girls. Like us, she knew they cause these types
of scandals for attention. It was too bad that we both suffered. All of Kenneth’s contracts had been stripped. He was forced
to lay off his entire staff and so was I, because all of the girls had been removed from the home. We had nothing but each
other.

Kenneth was talking to me again. He was forced to seek emotional strength in me. So I’d begun to remember why we fell in love
again. Our love was different from Devin’s and mine, but it was still love. It was that long-term, for-better-or-worse kind
of love. I wondered if Devin would have even stayed through all my fertility issues. I wondered if Devin would love me on
my bad days. Devin and I have hallucinating, breathtaking, addictive love, but I often wondered if it was real. Could it stand
the test of time? I made the decision not to risk my marriage to see. This scandal was simply a wake-up call.

When Mia came home from school, she had already heard bits and pieces from Morgan. She kept asking me if there was something
I wanted to say to her and would I tell her when she got home. On the day she arrived, I think both Kenneth and I were nervous.
He didn’t want to have to tell her and I didn’t want her to have only my mother and Reggie’s version of the story. It was
around eight o’clock in the evening, but the sun hadn’t set yet as she pulled up in the driveway, her small car packed to
the roof. I stood in the living room, watching her. Her medium-length, dark brown hair was pulled into a short ponytail, and
her long, thick brown legs were sticking out of a pair of very short khaki shorts. She wore a red Abercrombie & Fitch T-shirt
and a pair of flip-flops. She slouched around to the passenger side, grabbed a large backpack, and headed in through the garage.