Feelin' the Vibe (22 page)

W
hen I stepped in the house, Kenneth was nowhere to be found. I was glad that I didn’t have to have a high-level conversation
with him. After watching Devin speak on that stage and witnessing how people responded to him, I stopped questioning my feelings.
He was a man with everything, with personality and sensitivity, and he claimed that all he ever wanted was a chance to make
it right with me. I would be crazy to stay here and forgo the chance at true happiness again.

I sat at my home computer and pulled out Devin’s envelope. He enclosed a short note with the credit card number and all of
the instructions. I booked a round-trip ticket to Managua, Nicaragua. Once I arrived there, depending on what day, Devin would
meet me there and we would fly to Corn Islands. I was simply down for the ride. As for the mission—the only mission
I
had was to see how serious Devin was about us.

Surprisingly, I found a flight for below four hundred dollars, and for some reason I felt it made sense to buy it on my card
and not Devin’s. I wasn’t certain why he was so sloppy, but I had his back. So, there was no need for him to worry.

Devin’s instructions told me to wear neutral colored clothing and no expensive jewelry, bring no expensive purses, and to
pack lightweight hiking clothes as well as things for the beach. Plus, I needed to buy insect repellent with at least 30 percent
DEET as the active ingredient to keep the mosquitoes away, since I wouldn’t have a chance to take the necessary malaria medication.
I was risking it all. Once I had my ticket, I sent Devin a text with the flight information and arrival time. He responded:
FANTASTIC, I GET IN ABOUT TWO HOURS BEFORE YOU. MEET YOU IN MANAGUA. HASTA LUEGO, CHICA.

My adrenaline was racing, as I rushed from the house and to Target to buy some necessities for the trip. I had yet to discuss
my trip with anyone, not even Teeny. I didn’t want anyone talking sense into me. It felt good to lose my mind. Simply flying
to a country that I knew absolutely nothing about was somehow thrilling. And going there to be with Devin was even better.

Before I got home, I called Teeny and told her the plans. If anyone would support this decision, I knew she would.

“You have lost your damn mind, Clark! You are not going to some third-world country for a piece of ding-ding!” she exclaimed.

“Teeny, it’s not a piece of ding-ding. Devin and I are going there for a medical mission and to see what we want to do.”

“Clark, where are you?”

“I’m in Columbia, on my way back home.”

“Pull over. Right where you are. So, I can come out there and knock some sense into you. You just need a fling. You don’t
need to be flying to Nicaragua to see this man.”

“Already got my ticket.” I said.

She paused. She began to speak and paused again. Finally, she said, “Jesus, take the wheel!”

I laughed. “Ms. Teeny, I got this.”

“How do you have this and you couldn’t even handle a one-night stand with him? What has changed?”

“It’s what hasn’t changed. Some people just have a hold on you. Sometimes you can’t fight the feeling any longer.”

“I feel so bad.”

“Why do you feel bad?”

“Because I should have known you weren’t the type to get it a couple of times and quit it. I thought I taught you better than
that. Uh, uh, uh.” She gasped with frustration.

“Ms. Teeny, honey, this ain’t your fault. This is a feeling that had been there long before I knew you or Kenneth.”

“So, what you going to tell Kenneth?”

“That I’m going on a medical mission. We’ve discussed doing charity work around the world, but we couldn’t afford it.” I huffed.
“Paying for fertility. You know?”

“I feel you, Clark, but I just don’t want you going over to some war zone for a rendezvous. I told you that the key to cheating
is not getting caught. Now, you trying to get caught.”

“I’m not trying to get caught. I’m just trying to find myself. And while I understand what you’re trying to tell me, right
now this is what I’m doing. So here’s what I need you to do…”

I laid out the instructions of whom, where, and what I’d be doing in Nicaragua. Teeny agreed to support my scheme. I told
her how much she meant to me and thanked her over and over again.

“You just make sure you get back here safely. ’Cause God knows I don’t want this on my conscience.”

I laughed. “Teeny, you don’t have a conscience.”

“Like I said, you better come home in one piece.”

“Trust me, I will.”

I called my mother shortly after and told her the same lie I planned on telling Kenneth. She didn’t ask a bunch of questions,
but I felt like she thought I was going crazy again, too. I was in my right mind, and I knew what I felt, and I had to respect
my feelings for the first time in years.

Before I walked into the house, I prayed for forgiveness. I knew that I was about to sit in my husband’s face and tell a big,
fat lie. I looped the Target bags around my wrists and went into the house. After I dropped the bags on the floor, I said,
“Hey, Kenneth.”

“Hey.”

He turned to face the television. I leaned on the half wall separating my kitchen from the family room. I stared at him before
I spoke. His ashy size-thirteen feet were propped on the coffee table, as he scoffed down a big bowl of Kellogg’s Honey Smacks.
Milk dripped on his navy T-shirt. Clearly, he could feel my presence, but his eyes focused on the television and his food.
Just as upbeat, I said, “Kenneth, you’re not going to believe this.”

“What?” he said without facing me.

“I met a few women at the conference today that have a nonprofit organization, and they travel to third-world countries providing
aid and medical assistance to black people. I mean, they focus mainly on countries that a lot of people don’t realize have
black people, like, Belize, Nicaragua, and Honduras. You know, all through Central and South America.”

I was spitting out the plan just as Devin had explained it to me. Technically, I wasn’t lying; I was simply substituting.

“They had an upcoming mission scheduled and I asked if I could be a part of it.”

He nodded. “That sounds good. When are they going? How long?”

“Monday. This Monday. They’re going to Nicaragua for two weeks and I told them I’d go and I—”

“You didn’t think you should speak to me first?”

“We don’t have any kids around here. They aren’t coming back until a week after I’m scheduled to return. Why shouldn’t I be
able to go away when I want to?”

“Clark, you’re right. It might be good for you to get away.”

He leaned back on the chair, folded his hands behind his head, and went back to watching television. That was usually my signal
that the conversation was over. I picked up the bags and took them upstairs to my room. Then, I came back down to grab my
luggage from the basement. I walked through the kitchen, feeling like I had one last thing to say to Kenneth, but I decided
not to and headed back upstairs.

I turned up the Classic R & B music channel on the television. I sang and packed. Oddly enough, I felt no guilt.

W
hen I was finished packing for Nicaragua, I told Taylor we needed to talk. She slouched beside me in the bed. I looked her
in the eye and said, “I need more from you. I didn’t get married to be single and it’s obvious you did. And if things don’t
change, I can’t say how long I’ll be here.”

Her mouth stretched open and she pushed me. I was unemotional. After yesterday, she needed to know what I was feeling. If
I walked out on her, I didn’t want it to be a shock. I wanted her to know it was about more than seeing someone else. It was
about what I wasn’t getting at home.

“How can you say that? You act like you’re happy.”

“I am happy and you are happy. So, we appear to be happy, but you do your thing and I do mine. I mean, at times that’s cool.
And it’s just getting more evident to me now that we’re in a single marriage.”

“That’s ’cause you’re so busy all the time. We don’t spend any quality time together.”

“You know, you being on that panel was quality time for me.”

“I was sick!”

I looked at her. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Look, I’m leaving in the morning. I’m going to take this time to really think about where we’re going and what this marriage
is all about.”

“Are you trying to threaten me?”

“You don’t get it, do you? Like I said, I’m going to do a lot of thinking and I suggest you do the same.”

“I don’t have a problem with you. You have a problem with me, so you need to think, obviously.”

“Taylor, we have problems in our relationship. Fractures. And if we don’t fix them, it will eventually end.”

Taylor was furious, but I promised myself a long time ago not to hold back my feelings or my thoughts for the sake of protecting
a woman’s emotions. I knew I was suffocating her with my words, but she needed to know that we were losing the connection
we once shared. And the saddest part about it: We were only ten months into the marriage. I was at the same checkpoint when
I realized my first marriage wouldn’t work. Was this my commitment threshold? A slight part of me was bothered by that possibility,
but I knew it couldn’t be true.

She got out of the bed and walked into the bathroom. I could hear her sniffle, but I had no sympathy for her. She was never
around when I needed her. Mrs. Dillon clearly thought my wife was nonexistent, and often I thought she was, too. So it was
time she knew what I was feeling. If, after the trip, Clark and I decided to take our relationship further, Taylor would not
be blindsided.

It would be in my best interest to prolong my marriage until the election, but it made sense to start planting the seed now.
She walked out of the bathroom and said, “Devin, I wasn’t the one that wanted to rush into this marriage. You were.”

“We’re here now. So, whatchu going to do about it?”

She got in the bed, tossed and turned irritably, covered her head, and went to sleep. I kept looking at TV. I didn’t really
expect her to willingly discuss our problems. She would have rather ignored them so they wouldn’t interrupt her daily agenda.

At times like this, I wondered if this was my punishment for disrespecting my man’s wishes. I stared at the basketball game
and thought about my boy. Then I would glance at Taylor. Karma had a vendetta against me, and maybe if I made it right with
Clark, my future would run smoother.

K
enneth dropped me off at the airport at four-thirty in the morning. He seemed slightly excited that I was leaving, even leaning
in for a kiss when he took my luggage from the trunk. I left my wedding band home because it would be safer there. I wasn’t
trying to get jacked for a ring that I wasn’t sure I’d be wearing much longer. I’d washed my hair and pulled it back into
one ponytail. I had on a pair of wide-leg khakis and a lightweight denim button-up, with a white tank top underneath. I swapped
my designer shades for a pair of knockoffs. I got my boarding pass and headed to the departure gates. I had a four-hour layover
in Miami, then on to my destination.

When the plane landed in Managua, I couldn’t wait to see Devin. He told me he’d be standing right outside of customs. It had
been a while since I’d been to a Spanish-speaking country and I didn’t have the opportunity to brush up on the language.

Finally, after I went through customs and picked up my bags, I walked out of the airport. The heat was smoldering. Cabdrivers
screamed “Taxi” from every direction. People asked me questions and I looked at them like I was an alien, completely from
another universe and searching for something familiar. My body spun continuously, and I wondered where he was. I began to
feel regretful, confused, afraid. I didn’t go over the itinerary after Devin said he’d meet me here and I was afraid to pull
it out in the crowd. What am I doing here?

Using my hand as a visor, I looked left and right impatiently. Everything was blurry, even my thoughts. My heartbeat thumped
slowly and suspiciously. When I saw Devin appear clean and crisp from out of the mist, it felt almost magical. I blushed uncontrollably
and all my questions vanished with his presence. So I stood there and Devin walked toward me. He wore a pair of long fatigue
shorts, Pumas, a T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly. I said, “I made it.”