Feelin' the Vibe (19 page)

“What did he say when you told him it was over?”

“I just left a letter, because if I talked to him, I’m not sure I’d be so strong. You know.”

She reached over and popped me in the back of my head. “You are just as silly.”

“I know. This relationship can hurt too many people. It’s just not worth it. Mia is coming home from school for the summer.
Morgan would be devastated. I mean, it’s just not fair.”

“Being neglected in your own home ain’t fair, but it don’t stop that ol’ rockhead husband of yours from doing it, does it?”

“He’s just bitter that I won’t try again and he thinks I’m quitting for wanting to adopt. He just wants us to have a family
and he’s angry with me, angry with God. He doesn’t mean it. You know, Kenneth has never acted this ugly.”

“I don’t know, but he sure is acting ugly now. But I guess you can’t make your body do something that your heart can’t handle.
Maybe all you needed was a one-time shot. Kenneth might shape up now. I’m telling you, it’s like they can sniff you and know
something changed, and they need to step up their game.”

“I hope so.”

“For your sake, I hope so, too,” she said, shaking her head.

I hung my head, because I wondered if we’d ever get past this phase.

I walked in the house to the same cold husband I left the day before. He sat in the family room watching a basketball game.
His stomach poking out of his wife beater greeted me.

“Hey, Bae.”

“What’s going on?”

He glanced at me and quickly switched back to the television. His jeans were unbuckled and he looked like a slob. After the
last few years, he picked up at least ten pounds a year. After looking at Devin’s physique, I was instantly repulsed looking
at Kenneth. I pulled my roller backpack behind me, as I headed through the kitchen toward the stairs. “Did you eat yet?”

When I heard his footsteps behind me, I flinched. For a second I felt like he knew what I went to New York to do and he was
coming to attack me. Surprisingly, he smiled. “When you said you were coming home, I ordered Famous Dave.”

I smiled back, though my heart still pounded a mile a minute. I continued toward the stairs and he headed back to the kitchen.
I paced the floor of my bedroom, wondering what I could say when he asked about my trip. When I got enough courage, I walked
downstairs, grabbed a soda from the pantry, and plopped beside him on the couch.

“Who’s playing?”

“The Celtics.”

“Are you going to eat dinner with me?” I asked.

“I already ate. The food is in the refrigerator.”

“Whatchu get?” I said, as I stood to head into the kitchen.

“The All-American Meal.”

My neck snapped around and I frowned slightly. Why would he get such a large platter of food for the two of us? We used to
order that when the girls were home.

After I warmed up my plate, I sat back beside him. He reached over to my plate and grabbed a buffalo wing. I tapped his hand
and he smiled. I returned the smile. I’m not a complex person. All I need is a smile and something that resembled communication.
I hoped we were at a better place and things could work out. As I sat there befriending my husband, I wondered how Devin was
coping and when he’d be back in Maryland loving TJ.

B
y the time I left New York, I decided Clark’s disappearance might be for the best. If I was going to make it work with Taylor,
I didn’t need distractions. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and if you can get past that, things get better.

When I walked in the house, Taylor burst out of the laundry room full of energy and walked over to hug me. I arrived early
on Saturday afternoon so that we could spend the day together. She was wearing a tank top and thin sweatpants. I wrapped my
arms around her waist and lay my head on her shoulder. I just wanted to be quiet and hold her for a minute. She pulled away.

“I’m glad you made it home so soon.”

I pulled out a chair at the kitchen table. “You happy to see me?”

She rested her weight on one leg, tossed her hair out of her eye, and said, “Devin.”

“Taylor,” I said in the same tone that she spoke.

She slouched toward me and stood in between my legs. I leaned my head into her stomach and ran my hands up and down her round
butt. As she wiped my forehead, she asked, “So what are we doing today?”

“Whatever you want to do.”

She pulled away and sat in the chair adjacent to mine. She smiled sneakily. I said, “What?”

“I want to go shopping and out to eat and to the spa and to the movies and dancing and—”

“Taylor, pick two things.”

“You said ‘whatever.’ I was just giving you options,” she said, laughing.

“Alright,” I said, standing up to grab my bag. “Let me shower and get ready. Dinner and a movie good, maybe Zanzibar?”

She shrugged. “It doesn’t matter, as long as we’re together.”

I tried to take a quick nap while Taylor got ready. As I lay there across our king-sized bed, I wondered how Clark was able
to just cut off her feelings. I ran my hand down my face and kept telling myself I just wanted forgiveness from Clark. And
she’d given me that. So why was I still tripping?

When Taylor came out of the bathroom wearing purple thong panties and bra, I watched her walk past the bed and head for her
walk-in closet. She caught me peeking and said, “C’mon, Devin, get up and get ready.”

I sat up reluctantly and said, “You want to just spend the day chilling? We can get a couple of movies, order in, and—”

“No, I want to do something.”

“We always do something.”

She stood in front of the bed. “Not lately.”

To avoid the drama, I decided not argue and walked into the bathroom. I stood in the shower, but my eyes were heavy and I
sat on the bench, trying to decide what we could do to make sure Taylor had a good time. After sitting there procrastinating,
I got out and headed into the room. Taylor had on a pair of jeans and a tight-fitting long sweater that hugged her hips. She
stood before the full-length mirror outside of the closet. I walked up behind her, wrapped my arms around her waist, and rested
my chin on her shoulder. She raised her arms up and wrapped them around the back of my head.

“We look so good together, don’t you think?” she asked.

“Yeah, picture-perfect.”

She laughed and pulled away. “You’re trying to be smart.” She touched my chest and attempted to push me. Her eyes turned seductive,
as she rubbed my muscles.

“You like those abs, huh?”

She looked down at my towel, still wrapped around my waist, and ran one finger up and down the middle of my stomach. “Actually,
I like something else better.”

I let my towel drop. “You want it?”

She walked away from me and headed into the bathroom to put on her makeup. “Devin, don’t try to tempt me. You’re just trying
to stay in the house.”

I stood naked at the bathroom door. “We can do that and go out.”

“Devin, put some clothes on and we’ll go out and
then
do that.” She winked. “Deal?”

We headed out of the house shortly after, and we did almost everything she wanted to do. I guess a part of me felt guilty,
and I wanted to make it up to her. If I was going to make this work, it was best that I stop complaining and start doing what
I could do to make sure she was happy.

U
nlike what Ms. Teeny claimed, that one night with Devin didn’t make my marriage stronger, it made it worse. I found myself
thinking about him twenty-four-seven for the following two months, wishing the situation were different, wishing it were in
my favor. Instead, all I had was Kenneth. My heart and my body wanted so much more, but he was mine and Devin was hers. So
I resisted the desire to call him and tell him that I wanted to rethink my rash decision. Each morning, I had to make a conscious
effort to reaffirm to myself that this marriage was for better or worse and eventually the tide would change.

As we rapidly approached the end of April, I was counting down the days until Morgan and Mia came home. At least then Kenneth
and I would have to pretend we were a happy family. Something was better than nothing. The rainy days hadn’t been helping
either of our moods, but the sun came up one morning, and I decided to lean over and kiss his forehead. I rubbed my hand over
his five o’clock shadow. He lay there like he was dead and I just stared at him, because I know he felt me. We hadn’t made
love in nearly a month. The little affection we’d begun to have ended abruptly when he rolled over one morning to ask me if
I had changed my mind about IVF. I flipped out, because not only was he not listening, he was determined to change my mind.
So, we reverted back to this, to the empty, noncommunicative thing we called a relationship.

I got up, showered and rushed to the group home extra early. I wanted to be anywhere, except in my house. When I arrived,
most of the girls were still asleep. So it gave me time to organize things. Around eight, the house came alive as the staff
worker cooked breakfast and the girls prepared to leave. Ms. Teeny arrived shortly after, and I opened my office door just
to let everyone knew I was there. As soon as I did, Raven, aka Ms. Attitude, strutted into my office.

“Ms. Clark, you gonna let me cop this purse?”

I looked at her. “Why would I do that?”

“?’Cause you just should. You owe me.”

I laughed. “Oh really, I owe you. What exactly do I owe you?”

“Just know that you owe me.”

She put my colorful Dooney & Burke bag on her shoulder and pranced around my office. Raven had like a twenty-six-inch waist
and a fifty-inch backside. She was sixteen but more developed than any woman I knew, and she was an average-height girl, so
she could pass for at least twenty-two. Her facial features were even mature. She wore more makeup than necessary over her
unblemished mocha skin. I shook my head at her as she pursed her lips and rolled her neck in the mirror. She was the unofficial
resident hair stylist. There were times when I’d even allowed her to do my hair. I laughed while she posed in the mirror.

“Yo, I would be so tight if I wore this to school.”

“School?” I laughed. “I get a phone call every day and they say you aren’t even there.”

“Whatever, Ms. Clark, if you let me rock this bag, I would go every day.”

I shook my head. “Honey, you need to have more on your mind than carrying a nice bag.”

“Do you?” she said, as she flung her hot pink, highlighted bob haircut around and strolled out my office.

“Raven, bring that purse back in here.”

I could hear Teeny fussing at her in the hall, demanding that she bring my purse back. Teeny stormed in my office holding
my purse.

“That girl is crazy. She was taking this purse.”

“She’s not crazy.”

Teeny frowned at me, and we burst into laughter. She said, “Whatchu say?”

“Not like that.” Teeny jerked her head back as if she thought I was crazy for defending her. “Yes, she does have a chemical
imbalance, but she’s not known to be a thief,” I whispered.

“I been in this industry long enough to know, I don’t put anything past any of these little girls. We trying to help them,
but they’re damaged goods.”

It bothered me that the very people working in human services were the ones that gave up so easily on kids who had no control
of their situations. Momentarily, I saw Kenneth all over her. Why did they do it if they didn’t believe people could change?

I told Teeny to close the door and I said, “All of them aren’t damaged goods.”

“Okay, just like eighty percent,” she said, laughing hysterically.

I took a deep breath. “It’s not funny.”

“It sure isn’t. I been doing this for thirty years, and I’m sorry, I just call it like I see it. You still think you can save
the world. You’re still fresh and new.”

“I just want to help them.”

“That’s nice,” she said sarcastically, and plopped into a chair. “Ah, speaking of helping them, are we going to your baby
daddy’s conference this weekend?”