Feeling This (11 page)

Our eyes never leaving one another, I lowered myself to linger over her lips, momentarily causing her to lose her grip. But I didn’t kiss her, instead I took each of her breasts, perfectly fitting in my hands and sucked alternating between them, causing her to squirm and moan under me. Then I made my way further down kissing each and every spot of sensitive skin on her flat, smooth stomach. My hands made their way down to her thighs caressing back and forth before finally plunging into her soft folds. Her moans became declarations of pleasure, ”Yes, oh yes, Jordan, right there.” I used more fingers to delve further and caress her sweet spot until finally she was yelling out something incomprehensible.

I moved up her body to kiss her as she grabbed my cock telling me while smiling, “I want you inside me.” I smiled back and slowly plunged into her. Moving in and out languidly but gathering momentum until her legs wrapped around my waist and I was plunging as deep as I could get. Finally, I had to release and I called out her name, “Susan!”

We both collapsed after that session. I told her sweetly as she snuggled against me, “I think I like your way better.” She smiled and fell asleep against my chest.

I have to hold onto that night with everything. That was our last night together and it couldn’t have been any more perfect. I take my sandwich to the couch and turn the T.V. on while trying not to remember anything else. This is just torture. I have to face the fact that she is gone and I’ll never see her again. That really was our last night. I need to remember each and every detail.

Flipping through the channels, I finally settle on a football game. The Cowboys are playing. Usually I know who is scheduled to play and what the stats are but right now I have no clue. It’s more like background noise. Once I have my fill of the sandwich, I get up in search of a bottle. There’s only so much a person can take at once. Sitting lonely in the cabinet just waiting for me is an almost full bottle of Jack Daniels. I grab a glass and make my way back to the couch. As I’m about to swallow my third glass, my phone starts to vibrate in my back pocket. Reaching for it I see my mom’s number flash across the screen. I hesitate but if I don’t answer it, she’ll keep calling.

“Hey Mom, I’m fine.” I don’t even give her a chance to ask.

“Hi Jordan. Do you, do you want me to come over and make you some dinner?” She must be really desperate. My mother does not cook. She leaves that to Maria.

“No mom, I’m good. I just finished a sandwich, now I’m working on dessert.” I take another swig at the mention.

She hesitates, “Okay honey. Um, please let us know if you need anything.”

Before I can say goodbye, she pipes up, “One last thing, have you given any thought to going to counseling?” Her voice becomes quiet as she trails off.

Sighing, with anger rising in my voice, “No mom. I told you before, I just need time. It’s only been a month.”

I push the end button before she can protest and pour another drink. After a while my eye lids start to close on their own. I push up from the couch and stumble to the bedroom. When I get to the entrance, I rest my hands on the door frame looking around the room, afraid to enter. Her scent is heaviest in here. Without thinking I shuffle to the dresser still covered with candles. Staring down at them, the grief overtakes me and I scream out, “Susan, why did you leave me?”

I push them all off the dresser in a rage. They hit the hardwood floor, as if each one is a gunshot to my heart. This is something I deserve for not helping her soon enough, so I look for more. My hands meet with every surface in the bedroom causing glass figurines and vases to fall and break into a million pieces. In the closet I begin ripping her clothes down from the hangers. Halfway through, my legs can’t hold me up any longer. I collapse to the floor and cry for the love and life I’ve lost.

***

Rays of light reach out and tease my eyelids. I frown before opening them because I don’t remember falling asleep. Opening my eyes I find myself in the bed. My hand moves up to my head trying to soothe the oncoming headache. I glance over at my watch to find that it’s already noon. I slept half the day away. I’m not even sure what day it actually is. Lying here trying to conjure the energy to get up, I hear shoes click across the wooden floor in the other room. Then my mom’s voice is moving closer to the bedroom, “Jordan, are you here? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all morning. What…”

Her voice stops as she comes to a stop in the doorway. The look on her face is fear, which quickly turns to sympathy. She comes carefully into the room, stepping over the mess I made the night before. She sits down on the bed, grasping my hand in both of hers. She pleads, “Jordan, I really think you need to talk to someone. You were drinking weren’t you? I saw an almost empty bottle on the table in the living room. I don’t want you to develop a drinking problem because of this.”

Yanking my hand from her grasp, I hiss, “Because of what? Do you not realize Susan is gone? I won’t get to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. She was everything to me.”

“I know honey, I know you are hurting. But your father and I are here to help. Your friends are here. You haven’t talked to anyone about it. If you don’t talk about it, you’ll let it simmer and look what happens,” She gestures around the room, “it’ll come out in other ways.”

I ignore her, climbing out of the bed and walking around the broken glass to the bathroom. Maybe if I don’t acknowledge her, she’ll leave.

When I enter the room again, she is still sitting on the bed with her hands placed properly in her lap as if she is posing for a picture. My gaze scans the room at the destruction I caused and in that instance I make a decision, “I’m leaving Mom.”

She turns suddenly out of her pose, “What? That is the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Where will you go Jordan?”

“Not sure. I need to get away and clear my head. I can’t be here right now.”

Her voice turns shaky, “You can come back home and stay with your dad and I. He won’t ask you to leave again. That was just a big misunderstanding.”

I shake my head maneuvering my way around the room, grabbing clothes and a bag out of the closet. This is the first thing that feels right in a long while.

She gets up and stands there staring across the room as I move swiftly gathering things to place in my bag. Not once do I look up to see the pain in her face that she feels for me. She must realize she’s lost this fight. I can’t be where there are any reminders of Susan right now.

Once I’ve packed and cleaned myself up, I leave the bedroom without a backward glance. My mom had relocated to the kitchen, while I took a shower, which now lacks a single dish in the sink or a crumb on the counter. Who knew my mom had it in her to clean up. She turns as I enter and gently lower my duffle bag to the floor.

“Jordan, I don’t think this is a good idea. Having no one around you to talk to will just make things worse. Where will you go?”

I step forward and gather her in a hug whispering, “I love you Mom.”

Stepping away I pick up my bag and make my way to the front door, averting my gaze as if my life depends on it, I make it there as soon as possible. Once it’s open and the warm Texas air surrounds me, my body relaxes taking in the first deep breath, since last night. Fitting the bag into the trunk of my car, my ears perk up at the sound of my mom’s heels following me out here. I hurry to the driver’s side door and grab for the handle. She places her hand on my shoulder causing me to turn and face her.

“Jordan, take care of yourself, Okay?”

I nod solemnly, “I will, Mom.”

“And call anytime you need to, for anything at all.”

As she utters the last of her concerns, I turn and climb into the car. Staring ahead to the apartment I shared with Susan, I know this is no longer my home. I’m not sure where home is now.

Chapter Twelve

A month passes without another word from Andrew. He doesn’t glance at me once during class when I’m there. I don’t bother speaking to him, mostly out of sheer embarrassment. I probably chased him off with my desperation. Now that I’ve come to my senses though, I’m determined Becca and Heidi don’t know what they’re talking about. Sex is over rated.
Yeah right, and I’m really the Easter Bunny
.

On a Friday I wake with the sun and Momma’s insistent badgering. I shower and dress in a sundress covered in blue daisies resting just above my knees matched with silver flip flops. Our kitchen encounter is the same every morning with subtle variations but today Momma seems a little more with it than not. She has already made coffee and she’s dressed in loose fitting jeans topped with a yellow tank top. Still sitting at the kitchen table smoking, a coffee cup is the only thing containing liquid in front of her. She looks up as I glide over to the coffee pot to pour myself a cup. I gather her medicine and glance at my watch, deciding to chance a conversation with her. I lower myself into the chair, and her grey-blue eyes follow mine the whole way landing on my hands.

She mumbles in a soft, rough voice still staring at my clasped hands, “Kimber, I know I’ve been hard to live with lately.” I’m a little taken back. She doesn’t get a response from me right away. Instead I push her container of pills across the table and watch as she deliberately washes each one down with coffee.

“Momma, I know it’s not really your fault. I just want you to get better.” My eyes rest on her shaking hands as she sets the pill container down. I wish she was as well and vibrant as she used to be. I miss that version of my momma. This one just seems to have given up.

Her tone turns bitter and accusatory, “Do you think I want this?”

Her hands move, gesturing and shaking as she speaks. I get up deciding that this brief mother/daughter bonding moment is over. As I turn to walk out of the kitchen she calls out, “This isn’t what I wanted for you and your sister. I didn’t want you to have to take care of me. It’s my job to take care of you girls. But see what happens when things get hard, your sister up and left when things got too tough for her.”

I spin back around and tell her firmly, “Momma, things happen that we don’t expect, that we don’t want and can’t change. But we have to deal with it. Jenna doesn’t deal, you know that. But you Momma, you can get up every day and try. That’s all I want Momma, just for you to at least make an effort.”

She looks away as my stare bores into her, putting the challenge out there. I knew she wouldn’t acknowledge it but I will never stop trying. She’s lost all of her fight but I’m not willing to give up.

My voice softens, “Bye Momma, I love you. Have a good day.”

Luckily my car starts right up and I back up into the small dirt drive leading out to the main road that will take me to the highway. But as I shift the car into drive a figure standing down the road catches my eye. He’s leaning against his car with his hands pushed into his front pockets. He looks up as my car careens to a stop beside him. My breath catches as it always does at the sight of him. He’s dressed in fitted jeans with a square, silver buckle in the front. His usual black boots and a black t-shirt that fits him perfectly in all the right places letting me know what’s underneath. I should just drive on and not acknowledge that he’s there, but of course I do the opposite. I put the car in park and push on the handle to roll down the window. It squeaks as I make progress and curse my little car. He stands to his full frame stepping toward me with an easy smile. This is exactly why I fall for it every time. He’s just so tempting.

He leans down resting his hands against the window, “Where ya headed off to this early?”

A smile spreads over my lips, “I should ask you the same thing. Why are
you
so far away from home so early?”

He reaches in, carefully cradling my cheek and shakes his head, “Kimber, how’d you get so beautiful?’

If I were standing right now, I’d probably be a puddle at his feet. He was always so smooth with words. I always knew he meant them when we were dating. But when I heard the rumors about the girls, I didn’t doubt it because of his way with words. The anger I’ve felt at him for the past month slowly dissipates.