Feeling This (26 page)

He looks up at me, “I came here because I had to get away. It was too much and there were too many reminders of her. I was home yesterday to speak with her parents. They had something they needed to tell me and this.” He places a folded, worn envelope on the table.

“She was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder in high school. I didn’t know about it until yesterday. She was off her meds when she did it. I’ve blamed myself this whole time because I suspected something was wrong and I felt I had failed her by not getting her help soon enough. But she knew Kimber, she knew she was getting worse and without her meds…”

He pushes the envelope encouraging me to open it. I gently unfold it and read the heartbreaking words. Tears start pouring from my eyes for his pain. When I look up he’s silent and lifeless.

I’m rendered speechless. I want to close the distance and hold him but I’m not sure if he wants that. He still loves her and misses her. This realization hits me hard. He’s already found his person and she left him. My feelings for him have become something I can’t contain. I’m not sure he could ever feel about me the way I feel about him.

I look up into his stare and see his pain. I decide it doesn’t matter right now. He’s hurting and I want to help him take his suffering away in any way that I can. I get up and step forward taking his head in my arms, cradling him against my chest. His arms lock around my back as he takes deep heaving breaths. Silent tears run down my cheeks for this man that I have fallen in love with. Admitting that to myself pushes the water from my eyes more rapidly.

Chapter Twenty Nine

Telling Kimber about Susan was so much more painful than I could have imagined. I feel the agony that is constantly there like a dull ache in my heart at the loss of Susan. But while I told her a new burn appeared, this one for Kimber. The last thing I would ever do is hurt her but I watched her face as I explained about Susan. Her features became shaded and distressed. As I spoke, I felt like I should stop but she deserves to know. She needs to know. To know that I was completely in love with Susan and that she is still a part of my life.

When she stood up, I thought she was going to run. But instead she came over to me to comfort me. In that moment, warmth spread over me and something else that seemed foreign. I had the urge to be the one consoling her. Awareness hit me that Susan is gone. I will mourn her loss forever but here and now in my arms is this incredible woman who needs me. She is so selfless in just the small bits I know of her life. It’s time someone does things for her.

I draw back and look up into her delicate face. Small wet streaks line her cheeks. I reach up with one hand keeping the other arm around her, and gently caress the skin under her darkened eyes. She blinks trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill out. Her stare asks me a thousand questions. I answer with one swoop of my arms, lifting her up and carrying her to the bed. When I set her down, I tell her in a whisper leaning down into her ear, “Kimber, let me comfort and take care of
you
.”

She frowns and I answer with a deep kiss. She brings her hands up running them through my hair as a small cry escapes her lips into mine. I move down her neck, trailing my tongue softly along her perfect and flawless skin. My hands slide down her sides, caressing, causing a sigh. I feel her body relax under me as I move further down, kissing every inch of bare skin along her neck and arms. I slowly lift her tank top and continue kissing her taut flat stomach. My hands glide further to the button on her shorts. I deftly unhook them, pulling swiftly down her legs. When our eyes meet, my heart skips a beat. She is so incredible and I am so lucky to have found her. I move my hands up her legs, touching her tender skin softy. A slight moan rings through the air. She reaches down grasping my arms, trying to pull me up to her. I look up again and shake my head whispering, “I want to take care of you.”

I pull her panties down her legs and my hands find her soft folds lightly caressing as her breathing speeds up. I stare up into her eyes and lower my face tasting her. She squirms under me as I move my mouth to give her pleasure and comfort. She reaches the top yelling out, “Jordan!”

Kissing her as I go, I make my way back up her body when her breathing quiets. When I reach her mouth, she devours my lips mixing her sweetness between us. She reaches down to unhook my jeans but I pull away slightly so I can look down into her face, “Kimber, I wanted to take care of you. This is about you.”

She lowers her hand to my hardness telling me, “Jordan this is about both of us. I need you to take care of me and you need me to help you heal.”

Her words ring so true to my ears. I lower my lips to hers, our tongues brushing against one another. Her hands slowly unbutton my jeans just as her phone starts to vibrate on the table across the room. Her hands falter and she stops kissing me. I back away and angle for the phone asking, “Do you want me to get it?”

She pushes up to a sitting position and nods almost as if she’s ashamed. I pick the phone up just as it rings for the third time and hand it over to her, watching as her features cloud over when she glances at the screen. She pushes the button lifts it to her ear, and looks at me with worry. She doesn’t say anything at first. Then in a calm voice while nodding, she mumbles, “I’ll be right there.”

She ends the call looking miserable. After a moment of silence, she scoots off the bed to find her clothes telling me, “I have to leave. “

I sit on the edge of the bed and wait for more but she doesn’t explain. I ask, “Is everything alright?”

She nods as she shimmies into her jeans, “Yes, fine. I just have to go.”

Hurt rises in me that she doesn’t want to share with me.

“Kimber, do you want me to take you somewhere?”

She looks up as she finishes putting her shoes on and gathers her keys. Her face is so calm but her eyes seem tormented. She asks evenly, “No, Can I call you tomorrow?”

I nod and sit helplessly. When she comes close to give me a quick kiss, I grab her behind her back pulling her into me and tell her, “I want to take care of you.”

Her eyes fill and she responds, “I know,” wiping the first tear that falls. She turns while calling back, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Then she leaves, closing the door quietly behind her. I have the urge to chase her and shelter her from whatever this is that can affect her so much. I realize then that I am falling for her and it feels so right.

Chapter Thirty

When the phone rang, I knew. It was Momma, something happened. When Jordan reached for it, I debated whether or not I would answer it. I kick myself for even thinking that but Jordan is so incredible and for him to do that for me, not wanting anything in return makes me want to scream how much I love him. But instead I answered the phone and it was just as I had suspected. Momma had another fall. She was able to call the neighbor who took her to the hospital and called me. When I turned around to see confusion on Jordan’s face, I wanted to tell him everything, all the horrid details of my miserable life. But I didn’t want to ruin our time together. He told me about Susan and that is enough for now. Instead, I shut him out and walked out the door. A large part of me wonders if he’ll run when he finds out how terrible things are for me. How could anyone want to be a part of this?

I drive too fast to the only hospital in our town. It’s about five miles out, opposite of the Bruin ranch. I force myself to think only about Momma and getting her home. The last time this happened it put a huge wedge between Jenna and I. That was half of the reason why she left in the first place. When she realized Momma was going to require help and someone to take care of her, she ran. It pissed me off to no end, the wimp that she is. Now I’m numb to it. This is part of the disease and if I reacted to every little thing that happens, I’d be a basket case.

This fall has more meaning though. The last time we saw her doctor he said she would need a wheel chair soon. I know this will be what pushes that reality at us. Our tiny house isn’t equipped for a wheel chair. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

When I approach the counter I tell them, “I’m here for Stacy Maguire.”

The nurse looks up a flush of relief floods her face and she says, “Finally, she’s quite the handful.”

As if I didn’t already know this. I nod at her, embarrassed at what Momma could have already done in the short amount of time she’s been here.

I ask the nurse, “Is she alright?”

“I’ll take you to her and let the doctor know you’re here.”

I nod lifting my phone to check the time, 2:00, too late or early to call Heidi. I could use her right now. She is pretty good at talking me down when Momma is like this. I trudge down the hall following the nurse. When we round the corner and she holds a door open for me, she winces. I peer into the room to see Momma sleeping, her hand firmly gripping the remote for the T.V.

I walk quietly to the lone chair in the corner and drop into it. I stare at my mom wondering how bad it is. She seems pretty peaceful and not in any pain. My body suddenly feels the fatigue and I sink lower, letting my eyelids close.

A gentle tap on my shoulder wakes me up. I glance around remembering where I am and look straight to Momma. She is still sound asleep. I rub my eyes and lean forward glancing into the face of a woman with a kind face. She has brown hair braided to the side with grey peeking out at her temples. I imagine she is close to Momma’s age but healthy looking. She has a white jacket on with a nametag that reads, Dr. Martin. I sit up straighter trying to mask my concern. Judging by the sympathetic look on her face, it’s not good news.

She looks down at the chart cradled in her arm and asks, “Are you Kimber or Jenna Maguire?”

I want to burst out laughing out of sheer anger. How did they get Jenna’s name? Momma must have told them. She’s her favorite right now I guess, buying her bottles.

“I’m Kimber.”

“Okay, well Kimber. I guess it was your neighbor who brought your mom in.”

I nod already knowing this, wanting her to give me the bad news already so we can just move on.