Feeling This (25 page)

She sounds as if she’s been crying and her words echo. I shift in my chair looking to see where the bathroom is while I plead with her, “Please Kimber, let me explain.”

I get up and start walking toward the bathrooms. She sniffles and hisses, “No, I don’t want to see you. Go home so I don’t lose my job.”

A few more steps and I’m at the women’s bathroom door. Before I enter, I tell her, “I’m not going anywhere so you should come out and face me.”

Exasperation colors her words, “Why can’t you just go?”

She stops and glances over as I enter the room. She lowers the phone and hits end. Her eyes are red –rimmed. It breaks my heart that I am the one that made them that way. Standing here staring at her with her hair a mess and her mascara running down her cheeks as tears trickle down, I make my decision. I can’t hurt her again. I can’t
let
her get hurt again. Something within me moves out of the darkness at the sight of her. I move forward and pull her into my arms. She tries to push away but gives up after a minute. Her body seems to fall into me as if out of energy. I hold her tighter as she nuzzles my neck and cries quietly. After a few minutes I pull away and wipe the streaks from her cheeks while gazing into her eyes.

I confess firmly, “I will tell you everything.  It’s going to be tough but I don’t want to lose you.”

She looks doe-eyed into my stare and Derek’s words ring through my head, smitten. Yes I am smitten with this woman.

I finally coax her out of the bathroom. When we enter the bar Heidi stands up on her stool and starts clapping. Kimber looks up shooting a death glare at her.

She exclaims, “Well excuse me. Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen when the guy follows you into the bathroom and gets you to come out? It happens in the movies that way. Whatever, you people are no fun.” She climbs down and turns her attention elsewhere for the moment.

I follow Kimber through the back of the building out a side door that opens up to a small alley between the Ugly Duckling and a building that houses a veterinarian. The narrow space has a dumpster on one end and boxes stacked against the side of the building on the other. She grabs my hand and pulls me across the alley. She leans against the other building looking up into my eyes, and divulges with passion, “Jordan, the other night was incredible. I don’t do that, ever.”

I lower my face to hers before she can say anything else. She kisses me hungrily when my lips meet hers. I raise both of my hands and rest them gently on her cheeks. When we pull away breathless, I whisper, “This is more than that night we spent together. I need you. When I came here I was in a very dark place. You’ve pulled me away from that dark as if you are a beacon of light guiding me to a safer place.”

She melts into me and tears stream down her face once again. I pull away, “Hey, don’t cry, I mean it. I know we can survive without each other but I don’t know that I want to.”

Her hand rests on my cheek and she tells me, “Jordan Rhodes, I want this so bad but I’m scared. Can you help me to not be afraid?” I nod as a lump rises in my throat.

Chapter Twenty Eight

A half hour into my shift, Heidi called out, announcing Jordan’s entrance. I rushed to the bathroom determined to stay there as long as I had to. What I hadn’t planned on was him seeking me out.

When he walked in I was pissed. Before I had a chance to react though, he pulled me into a tight embrace. I tried to get away but he wouldn’t let go so I gave up and the waterworks started. He tenderly wiped away my tears and told me, “I will tell you everything. It’s going to be tough but I don’t want to lose you.”

Those words were like music to my ears. But I wonder what could be so horrible that he would walk away rather than talk about it? He leads me out of the bathroom to Heidi’s cheering and some shit about the way it is in the movies. She has some nerve. I know she blabbed her mouth around town because Jenna called me today to give me hell about Jordan. Word spreads around this place like wild fire. My best friend needs to reel herself in.

I pull Jordan through the side door into the alley. It’s smelly and dirty but it provides privacy. I lean against the wall on the other side and tell him trying not to let any more tears fall, “Jordan last night was incredible but I don’t do that, ever.” 

This is something he needs to know. I don’t sleep with just anyone. Before I can elaborate though, he kisses me and I savor the taste of him, deepening the kiss. How did I let this happen? My feelings for him are like a puddle spread out before me that keeps spreading and I can’t pull it back. It’s as if it snuck up on me and overtook me. Now that I’ve made that step forward, I can’t turn back.

He breaks our connection and whispers, “This is more than the other night. I need you. When I came here I was in a very dark place. You’ve pulled me away from that dark as if you are a beacon of light guiding me to a safer place.”

His words render me senseless and the tears start again. He pulls back quickly and utters, “Hey, don’t cry, I mean it. I know we can survive without each other but I don’t know that I want to.”

I move my hand up to his cheek and tell him, “Jordan Rhodes, I want this so bad but I’m scared. Can you help me to not be afraid?”

He takes a breath and nods. His forehead rests against mine. The feelings inside me for this man scare me half to death but I don’t want to run away anymore. For the first time in my life, I want to stay, as long as he is here with me. I back away and look up into his eyes and ask him, “Can I come to your motel after work tonight?”

His eyes light up as he leans in closer, “I’d have it no other way,” and he kisses me softly.

When we part, I grab his hand, squeezing tightly before letting go to turn back toward the Duck and the hours that I know will stretch out into forever.

He calls out, “Kimber?”

I look back and his face is serious. He confides, “I’m going to explain everything to you tonight.”

I nod, smiling. He doesn’t smile back. It’s almost as if a pain just shot through him, sorrow takes over his features. I wonder what could be so horrible to create so much grief.

He doesn’t follow me back into the bar, nor does he come in all night. Heidi is still here when I walk back behind the counter. She has a smirk on her face as she demands, “Alright fess up. I didn’t hang around here for the company. I need juicy details, all of them.”

My frustration at her rises but I decide she’s just Heidi. I try to smile and play along. I love her to pieces but some of the crap she does is unbelievable.

“I’m not kissing and telling.” I tease.

“Come on Kimber.” She glances over at Derek who isn’t looking at us but I know he’s listening. He has nothing better to do. It’s pretty dead in here.

“Hey Derek, you wanna hear the deets too, don’t you? Tell her. You are, after all, the one who told her to go after him last night.”

I look at him incredulously. Can no one around here keep their fucking mouth closed? He looks up innocently and gestures to himself as if he wasn’t just listening. He looks away quickly when he spots my glare.

She laughs, “Come on, you were just telling me how guilty you would feel if it doesn’t work out with them because you told her to follow him.”

I spin around, not wanting to hear any more. Apparently my business is everybody’s business.

“Aww Kimber, don’t get mad. Nothing worthwhile ever happens in this place. You’re smack in the middle of a real life romantic story, right out of the pages of one of those smut books my momma reads.”

I concentrate on washing out mugs at the sink and not Heidi’s constant badgering. I get through a few then Derek asks, “Can you just tell us if everything is okay? I feel real bad for pushing you if it isn’t.”

I look up, meeting his stare and smile nodding, “Everything is fine.”

He nods in acknowledgement and Heidi calls out, “Hallelujah, Kimber’s got a boy toy!”

I shake my head at her and continue to ignore her banter.

When my watch reads 12:00, Derek tells me to leave. I don’t have to be told twice. Rushing to my car, I check my phone for messages. The first is from Jordan, telling me that he looks forward to tonight. The other text is from Heidi with a picture of a hot guy and her caption below it, ‘Don’t do anybody I wouldn’t do. The sky is the limit in that case. Have fun tonight.’ God she is so crass.

I text Jordan letting him know I’m on my way and hop into the car, leaning forward to run my hand along the dash. I tell my little car, “You can do it baby. I know you can.”

I think the car will be alright for a while thanks to the new battery and Jordan. Five minutes later, I turn into the parking lot of the motel and find a space next to his car. When I get out, I spot him standing in the doorway of his room. He is so gorgeous. His jeans are slung low with a dark grey t shirt hugging his upper body.

I worry briefly about the motel though. My heart skips a beat as my mind wanders.  If he hasn’t gotten a more permanent living arrangement, maybe he isn’t planning on staying. This thought forms a rock in my stomach. I know we have to talk tonight and get everything out in the open and I’m going to have to share some things that I would rather not.

As I walk towards him I notice his features still display that sadness I saw earlier. He greets me when I’m close enough with a quick kiss mumbling, ”Thank you for coming.”

He turns back into the room, holding the door to let me pass through. I spin around uneasily and explain, “Jordan, I think we both have some things to say. I think we should get everything out in the open.”

He takes a step forward, peering down at me, “I think you’re right.” He stops for a minute and stares, taking in my face,” but you need to hear what I have to say. If you want to tell me things after that, you can.”

I take a step back, lowering myself into the chair by the window. The vinyl cushion sinks as I move to perch on the edge. He turns away from me. I can see the muscles in his back flex as he runs his hand through his hair. He takes a deep breath and faces me again. I can see anguish in his eyes. I want to hold him and comfort him but I can tell he is bracing himself for this. I’m scared to hear whatever he has to say. What if it is something so terrible and I can’t bear it? I almost want to tell him not to enlighten me because this thing with us is so new and I don’t want it to end.

His voice is strained when he starts, “I grew up in Dallas with a very affluent family. We frequented the country club, the polo fields, and social parties. We had a housekeeper who doubled as my second mother. She did most of the raising of my sister and I. It was always expected that I’d go to college and that I would graduate to take over my father’s tech company when he retired.”

He stops for a moment and sits in the chair across from me.

“When I did go off to college I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life. Taking over the family business didn’t really appeal to me but I thought I’d give it a shot. During my second year at school I met someone. She made me see things differently. I wanted to be someone different from what was expected because of her. We discovered that we grew up close. Actually very close, our parents socialized at the same country club. We just never happened to meet.”

At this point, my heart is beating a hundred miles a minute. Of course the worst scenarios appear in my mind. He’s married and in a terrible divorce or married and now he’s cheated on her with me. I’m already shocked at this revelation about his life. My nerves are jittery as I wait for the other shoe to drop.

“Her name was Susan. I loved her Kimber. I need you to know that.”

I nod and my heart falters. He loves someone else. I want to run but I plant my feet firmly resisting the urge. I can feel the tears about to spill out.

“We dated for three years and then I proposed. We were engaged to be married and I couldn’t have been happier. She took her own life the night I officially asked in front of our friends and family. There was something wrong, and at the time I didn’t know what it was. I felt as if I failed to help her.”

He stops and stares at the floor unmoving. His hands rest lifelessly by his sides. I’m stunned and heartbroken for him. This is farther than anything I could have ever imagined. I’m not sure what I should feel. I’m remorseful that he lost her but also crestfallen that he’s loved someone else so much. Is he capable of loving like that again?