Feels Like Home (23 page)

He'd better not think about that while he was up on stage. Not unless he wanted the audience to cop an eyeful of…best not to go there.

As they finished a well-received version of Lee Kernaghan's ‘Boys from the Bush', Nate stepped forward and took the microphone from Ryan. ‘Thanks for your support, everyone. As an audience you guys totally rock.'

A huge cheer went up from the crowd.

‘A few months back, when I knew we'd be having this night to celebrate our wedding, I decided I wanted to do something really special for my beautiful bride-to-be, Steph.'

A collective ‘Aw' reverberated around the shed.

‘Steph, the song we're about to play will never feature on the charts. You'll never hear it on the radio, but I hope you'll love it anyway, because I wrote it just for you.'

As the crowd clapped and cheered Ryan looked down to see Steph, the least sentimental girl he'd ever known, wiping a tear away with the back of her hand.

‘Of course,' Nate continued, ‘we all know my singing is total crap…'

Laughter and nods from the guests this time.

‘…so I've asked Ryan here to sing on my behalf. But I want you to know, Steph, these words came straight from my heart and they're for you.'

Nate stepped back and strummed the opening chords, which was Ryan's cue to start singing.

The song might have been written for Steph but they described Ryan's feelings for Jo perfectly. He could barely remember life before he knew her. She would hold a place in his heart forever, even if he never saw her again once the wedding was over.

His eyes sought her out as he sang Nate's heartfelt words. As their eyes locked it was as if she could read his thoughts and an understanding passed between them. What they'd had together had been perfect and it deserved to be honoured as such. Tonight they would celebrate that love. Then, hopefully, they could both move on.

Jo knew that Nate had written the song. It was for Steph, not her. And yet…it felt as if Ryan was singing words directly from his heart to hers. Was she just imagining it, conjuring up the emotions she wanted him to feel, or did he really mean those words he was crooning while looking into her eyes?

You're my soul, my heart, my home.

A pang of regret stabbed at her heart.
Home.
This was her home, here with Ryan. She'd made a huge mistake by leaving all those years ago. She'd grown up hating Linden Gully, blaming the town for her unhappy childhood. She'd thought leaving here would make her happy. But all these years later and all that distance hadn't made any difference. She was still chasing happiness.

First she had thought it would be enough just to get away from Yarrapinga, away from her mother's critical eye. Then she thought being published, having others read her work, was the salve that would soothe her soul. But it wasn't enough. The hole inside her was still there. She was still unfulfilled. She thought being an international success would make all her dreams come true. But she was wrong. No matter how many books she sold, how many talk shows she went on, how many red carpets she walked down, it was never enough. She needed more and now she realised why. All this time she'd been looking for the wrong thing, in the wrong places. She'd had the keys to happiness in her hand seven years ago and she'd thrown them away.

Now it was too late.

The anticipation of sharing a delicious night alone with Ryan was tarnished by the knowledge that he should have been hers forever. If only she'd said yes.

Tonight had to be special. She would make sure of it. It had to make up for the pain she'd caused Ryan in the past. But it wasn't just Ryan she was thinking of. She needed this too. The memory of tonight had to be enough to carry her through when she was back in New York on her own once more.

She blinked back tears as the song ended. Steph put an arm around her. ‘Hey. What's wrong?'

Jo socked her in the arm. ‘Nothing. Just a bit sentimental about seeing my two best buddies all lovey dovey, that's all. I'd better make sure I put the waterproof mascara on for the big day, otherwise I'll be a mess.'

Steph grinned. ‘Who would have thought old Nate could be so bloody romantic, eh? That boy is sooo getting lucky tonight.'

‘Steph!' Jenny's voice came from behind them. ‘That is way too much information. I'm sure Jo doesn't want to know about your bedroom activities. I know I certainly don't.'

Jo and Steph burst out laughing. ‘Actually, Mum, it's not too much information for Jo. In fact —'

Jenny put her hands over her ears. ‘That's enough! I don't want to know, quite frankly. In any case I came over to say I think you and Nate should say a few words, thank people for coming and so on. I think some of the older guests will be keen to make a move soon. Bob reckons he'll do a run with the bus in an hour so I think we'd best get any formalities over with.'

Steph nodded. ‘Righto.' She signalled to Nate, who jumped down off the makeshift stage for a moment.

Jo realised Ryan had left the stage too. She turned to find him standing right behind her.

‘Hey.'

‘Oh hey yourself. That was a great set. You guys have improved heaps since the last time I heard you.'

‘Yeah?'

Jo nodded. ‘Yeah. I really enjoyed listening to you, especially that last song.'

‘Pretty amazing that Nate wrote that, huh? I mean who would've thought? Didn't know he had it in him.' Ryan averted his eyes. ‘You know, in some ways that song reminded me of you…of us.'

She reached out and gently touched his forearm. ‘Me too.'

He looked into her eyes once more and gave a tentative smile. ‘Should we…wanna get out of here?'

‘We can't just yet. But I just heard Jenny say that Bob's doing a run in the bus in an hour.'

‘I don't know if I can wait that long.'

‘Well, I'm afraid you'll have to. Bob's our transport home.'

Ryan shook his head. ‘Doesn't have to be. I haven't been drinking. I'm sure Nate would let me borrow one of his cars.'

Jo shook her head. ‘We're in the bridal party. We can't just disappear early. It's rude.'

Ryan shrugged. ‘I'm sure Steph and Nate won't care.' He nodded towards the stage area. ‘Looks like Nate's getting ready to make some sort of speech, god help us. Let's wait until that's done and then you can make up some type of excuse. Tell Steph you've got a headache or something. I'll offer to drive you home. Simple.'

‘I don't think so. I'm the chief bridesmaid, I can't leave the party early.'

‘It's nearly ten-thirty, Jo. I've waited so long for the time when I could have you in my arms again. I don't want to waste another minute.'

His honesty disarmed her. She would make it up to Steph, and it wasn't as if this was the actual wedding. In any case she'd barely seen her friend all night. Everyone wanted a piece of the bride. ‘Okay. But not until after the speeches.'

Nate's voice boomed out of the microphone. ‘Alright everyone. Apparently it's not enough to write an awesome song. Seems there's some expectation that I'll say a few words as well.'

Laughter rippled around the shed. As Nate continued, thanking people and praising his bride-to-be, Jo and Ryan stood side by side, almost touching but not quite. A current of anticipation surged between them. After what seemed like an age Nate finished and stepped aside, only for Steph to take the microphone.

Jo blushed at the words of thanks directed at her.

‘I'm so grateful to have my best friend — my very busy and super-famous best friend, I might add — here by my side to share this very special time with me. Jo, your presence means the world to me. Thank you for taking time out of your hectic life to be here.'

As the guests applauded, Steph beckoned for her to join them on the stage. She carefully negotiated the crude stairs that Nate had knocked up out of packing crates and pallets the day before. Once she was on the timber platform, Steph stepped forward to embrace her and then nodded to Nate, who brought over a huge bunch of yellow roses. ‘These are just a little something to say thank you for being here.'

A lump formed in Jo's throat. ‘There's nowhere I'd rather be,' she said, ignoring the bemused look on Ryan's face.

After being forced by the crowd to make her own speech, there were lots of tears and hugs before she finally was allowed to leave the stage.

Ryan helped her down the wonky steps. Once she was safely back on solid ground he whispered, ‘Now all the formalities are over we can sneak off. You go make your excuses to Steph and I'll talk to Nate about a car.'

‘Are you kidding? After all those things Steph just said I can't go running off on her.'

Ryan moved her to the quiet spot at the side of the stage area. ‘It's hardly running off,' he said. ‘You've spent the best part of the past two days with her and it's now nearly eleven o'clock.'

‘I know but —'

‘Jo, please. This may be our only opportunity. It's hard for me to get away during the week and I imagine you'll be at the bride's beck and call from now on. Tonight may be our only chance. I'm not going to beg you. It's your call.'

As much as she didn't want to hurt Steph's feelings, Jo could not risk losing one last chance to be with Ryan, to put things right between them. ‘Okay. I'll go tell Steph I have a headache.'

Ryan didn't give her a chance to think twice. He turned on his heel and went off to find Nate the second the words were out of her mouth.

‘Steph,' she called, ‘can I have a word.'

Steph turned and smiled. ‘Just going to have a word to the DJ about cranking up the music. About time you and I hit the dance floor, don't you think?'

Jo shook her head. ‘I've got a killer headache. Must be all the champers I had earlier. You know I can't hold my liquor.'

‘Do you want a headache tablet? Mum always has half a pharmacy stocked away in her handbag. I'll ask her.'

‘No thanks. I think I'll just head home. You know, sleep it off.'

Steph's smile faded in obvious disappointment, but she didn't argue. ‘Of course. How are you getting home? Do you need Bob to take you?'

Guilty heat flooded into Jo's cheeks. ‘Er, no. Ryan has offered to drive me.'

A look of confusion crossed Steph's face. ‘Didn't he come on the bus too?'

‘Um, er, yeah well the thing is…' Lying to Steph was impossible. She just couldn't do it. ‘Look, Steph, promise you won't breathe a word of this to anyone, but…'

‘Oh. My. God.' Steph's eyes lit up in delight. ‘I knew it! You two are getting it on, aren't you?'

‘Shh! Keep your voice down.'

‘Well?'

Jo nodded and Steph clapped her hands together. ‘Don't get too excited. It's not like we're getting back together or anything, it's more…'

‘What?'

Jo shrugged. ‘I don't know to be honest.'

Steph squeezed her arm. ‘Go,' she said. ‘And don't worry, I won't breathe a word to anyone.'

CHAPTER

23

Back at Yarrapinga, Jo's bravado began to fade. They'd bounced home, Ryan testing the suspension of Nate's old ute on the potholed gravel roads. They'd laughed and congratulated themselves on making the perfect getaway. But now Jo sat on the edge of her bed, her arms covered in goosebumps and her stomach a tangle of nerves. The exuberance brought on by her overconsumption of alcohol had vanished and she was yet again wondering if this was a good idea.

Ryan seemed to share her trepidation. He stood awkwardly in the doorway apparently unable to make up his mind on whether to join her or not. Eventually he came to sit beside her on the bed. ‘This is weird, huh?'

Jo nodded.

‘Look, I don't want to push you into anything you're not comfortable with. If you've changed your mind, I totally understand.'

Jo exhaled loudly. ‘I want to, Ryan, more than anything. I'm just wondering about afterwards. I mean can we both handle this? Will it make things even worse between us? I don't want us to go back to hating each other, or not talking to each other.'

He took her hand. ‘I think it'll be okay, so long as we both understand what this is. For my part, I understand that being here with you tonight, no matter how wonderful it is, won't change anything. Your life isn't here anymore. I respect that.'

Jo bit her lip and tried to quell the wave of sadness threatening to envelop her. Her life wasn't here, but was there anything left for her in New York?

‘And I have my own life, my daughter, to consider,' Ryan continued. ‘So if we do this, it has to be with the knowledge that it ends when you leave Linden Gully. This will be a beautiful end to our relationship, not a new beginning.'

Was this what she wanted? An ending? Was there any other choice?

‘I want us to have that perfect ending, Jo. When I think of you I want it to be with fondness, not anger or regret.'

He was right. A beautiful ending was better than this continual unresolved tension between them. If she couldn't have him forever — and she knew she couldn't — then this tender finale would be the next best thing. ‘I want that too,' she whispered.

He gently tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and looked into her eyes with a gaze so intense Jo felt he could see into her soul. When his lips touched hers, the last tiny shred of uncertainty dissolved. As Ryan's arms encircled her she was overcome by a feeling she hadn't experienced in a long time. It wasn't love; it was more than that. Right this second there was nothing missing from her life. She was whole. This was where she was supposed to be. Finally, she was home.