Fidelity - SF6 (23 page)

"It wasn’t just the fact that you were a baby, Jamie. I really didn’t have anyone else."

"But what about Daddy? Wasn’t he able to help out?"

Catherine laughed gently, shaking her head the whole while. "Your father was just starting out in his career, and he was gone at least twelve hours a day. A first year associate works hellacious hours, Jamie. I remember one week when you were barely a month old. He was working on some big trial, and he didn’t return home until after midnight for the whole week. When the next week began, and it looked like it would be just as bad, he asked me to take you down to Pebble Beach for a few days so that he could get some rest during the little time he had home." She shook her head, as though to remove the memory. "That was…hard."

Good God, I would have been in the same situation if I had married Jack! No wonder Mother thought I was too young to get married! She must have been afraid that Jack would be the same way Daddy was.
"Didn’t you have anybody else to help out? It just sounds so lonely."

"It was," Catherine sniffed, getting up to get a tissue. "My mother had just died a few months earlier and I was still grieving her loss. Elizabeth was my lifeline, Jamie. I would have done anything to keep her from leaving."

Jamie sat on the arm of the chair and placed her arm around her mother’s shoulders. "I never saw this from your perspective. I just thought you didn’t want to be very close to me," she said in a near whisper as tears formed in her eyes.

Catherine leaned in close, relishing the sturdy warmth of her daughter’s body. "That’s absolutely not true," she said fervently. "I just didn’t know how, Jamie. I swear, I just didn’t know how."

They held each other close for a few minutes, both women unaccustomed to the sensation, but neither wanting the embrace to end. Catherine said softly, "I remember the first time you were sick. You had a bad cold when you were just about a month old. You were so tiny, not more than seven pounds at the time. You had a lot of congestion in your lungs, and I was trying to make you a little more comfortable. Elizabeth found me sitting in the rocker holding you. She snatched you away and told me that I was endangering your life by holding you the way that I was. She said that your lungs could fill with fluid and you’d be dead before I knew it." She shook her head as she recounted, "I was absolutely terrified! I felt so incompetent, Honey. I was just trying to comfort you and here she was telling me that I might kill you!" She brushed the tears from her cheeks as she continued, "I suppose I started to defer to her opinions more and more. Soon she was completely in charge, and I felt like an outsider. I assumed she was doing a better job than I could, and you seemed to be more comfortable with her, so I didn’t fight it."

Jamie leaned over and wrapped her arms around her mother’s small torso. "That must have been so frightening for you," she said sincerely.

"It really was," she sniffed. "I missed my own mother so much. It was so hard for me that she had died while we were estranged. My sorority friends didn’t come around much since my life had changed so dramatically and we had so little in common. We just didn’t have much to talk about since the only thing on my mind was you. I just felt so alone, Jamie."

Jamie pulled her mother into an even tighter embrace, cradling her head against her chest. She tenderly ran her fingers through her mother’s fair hair, smiling to herself when she heard a huge sigh similar to the ones Ryan gave when she cuddled her. "Did your mother take care of you, or did you have a nanny also?"

"I had a nanny, Jane. She was a nice old woman, but not very motherly."

Jamie laughed softly, seeing the parallels in their lives. "We were raised in a very similar fashion, weren’t we?"

"Yes, I suppose we were," Catherine said. "I don’t know what I would have done differently if I had to do it over again, but I hope I would have the courage to demand the right to get to know you better when you were young. I’ll regret that until the day I die, Jamie."

"We can’t fix the past, Mom, but we can change the future," she said with a small smile as she gave her mother another gentle hug. "And someday you can get to be the doting grandmother."

"I can’t tell you how much I’d like that, Jamie," she sighed, as she leaned fully against her daughter and soaked up the comfort the younger woman offered.

At ten o’clock Ryan was sitting near the phone, trying her best to keep her eyes open. A long walk around campus had kept her moving, but had only served to make her even more tired. The shrill ring nearly caused her to leap from the straight-backed desk chair, but she gathered herself and answered on the second ring. "Hi Love," she said, with much less enthusiasm than she wanted to convey.

"Ohh…
somebody sounds tired. Is this too late for you?"

"It’s a little late," Ryan admitted honestly. "But then, it’s three hours later for you, so I shouldn’t complain. What are you doing up, anyway?"

"Oh, everyone went out sailing, and they got in late. We didn’t even start cocktail hour until nine o’clock."

There was a pause as Ryan took in that bit of information. "You have a cocktail hour before you eat dinner?"

Jamie laughed softly, knowing how odd that must sound to her lover. "Lunch too, Baby," she admitted. "It’s a family tradition."

That’s a tradition that will never rear its head in our home
, Ryan vowed immediately. "Did you have a good day? Headache all gone?"

"Yeah. I feel fine, actually. I just hung around by the pool all afternoon. Read a little, listened to some tapes. It was pretty relaxing. How about you?"

"Hmm…
not so relaxing, but I got some good work in today. Both practices went well, and I stayed after to work on my jump serve for a while."

"I don’t know what that is, but I’m sure you do it very, very well," Jamie said, her support for her partner far outstripping her knowledge of the game.

"I guess I’m going to have to teach you a little about the game so that you can enjoy it more," Ryan suggested.

"Let’s see…" Jamie mused. "You jump around a court in skintight shorts…isn’t that enough?"

Ryan’s gentle laugh warmed her all over, making her feel much closer to home. "I guess that’s plenty," Ryan allowed. "You certainly know what you like."

"I do indeed. I like you. As a matter of fact, I love you. A lot. A whole, whole lot."

"I love you too," Ryan murmured, allowing the longing she felt for her partner to come to the surface. "As tired as I am, I hate to go to bed without you."

"Well, at least you don’t have to sleep alone," Jamie countered, still a little jealous that Jordan got to snuggle with her partner.

"Honey," Ryan said. "Having Jordan there is worse than being alone…really."

"Why, Ryan? I would think it would be comforting to have someone next to you."

"Nope. Even in my sleep I know it’s not you."

"How so?"

"Well, for one thing–she’s too tall. Her head is on the same plane mine is, so I get a face full of blonde hair all night. Yours never does that," she added. "I can hold you tight and tuck your head right under my chin. A perfect fit," she said wistfully.

"What else?" Jamie asked, somehow reassured that Ryan wasn’t enjoying her nights with Jordan.

"She’s too bony,
" Ryan decided. "You have such nicely rounded curves…very smooth and gentle. Jordan’s a little too angular, and my mind obviously rebels when it feels her sharp edges."

"Oohh, your poor mind is trying to figure out who’s in bed with it, huh?"

"Apparently," Ryan agreed. "I way lying in bed this morning thinking about how wonderful it feels to hold you the first thing in the morning. It’s just the most peaceful feeling in the world, you know."

"I do know. My poor little Tiger tries her best, but she’s no match for the real thing."

"Do you sleep with her?" Ryan asked, charmed that her partner would do so.

"Absolutely! When mother came in to wake me this morning, I had the poor thing in a death grip. I must have looked three years old!"

"I’d give anything to see that," Ryan said, just able to conjure up the image of her partner with her stuffed animal. Then, getting to the source of her desire, she added, "I’d give anything to see you."

"Me too, Sweetheart. I am honestly counting the minutes."

Ryan sighed heavily, missing her partner so much that it felt like a constant ache. "What’s up for tomorrow?" she asked, already trying to figure out when they would be able to speak.

"I’m playing golf with my cousin, J.C. Nothing much after that. Our big family sail is the day after tomorrow. This is a big deal for Uncle David–so much so that he claims that we’re going to get an early start…we shall see."

"Going anywhere in particular?"

"Yeah…we’re going out to a little island off the coast for a picnic lunch. It should be fun."

"That does sound like fun," Ryan agreed, thinking that she would love to do something like that with Jamie. "Don’t forget to wear you life vest, okay, Love?"

"I will, Honey, but you really don’t need to worry. Both Uncle David and Skip are expert sailors.
Skip has crewed on America’s Cup yachts."

"All well and good, but I’ll sleep better if I know that you’ll wear a life vest. Promise me?"

"Yes, I promise," Jamie agreed, privately loving the fact that Ryan was so concerned for her safety. "You get to bed, Sweetheart. You can’t afford to get run down."

"Okay. Call me in the morning if you have time. If not, I’ll await your call at the end of the day. I think we’re going to the Boardwalk tomorrow night, so I might be a little late."

"No problem. I’ll call you until I reach you. You’re well worth the trouble."

"Oh, Baby? Call my cell first. It worked last night, but it’s not clear tonight."

"Will do, Honey. I love you."

"I love you too, Jamie. Sleep tight."

As she hung up the receiver, Ryan slapped herself on the forehead.
Jesus! Not only didn’t we talk about her father…
I didn’t tell her about the scholarship! Duh!

As Jamie hung up she heard a noise in the hallway and opened her door to see Trey and Stephanie tiptoeing down the hall. She crept out the door to watch them descend the stairs and leave by the main entrance. Checking her watch, she noted that it was 1:20.
Well, that would explain why they sleep all day!

As promised, J.C. was well into demolishing a hearty breakfast when Jamie came downstairs on Wednesday morning. No one else was up, but the always present wait staff was at the ready. "Toast and cereal for me, please," Jamie requested before Daniel was out of the kitchen door and into the dining room. He smiled at her and turned to fill her order while she poured her own coffee from the urn on the breakfront.

"Looks like a great day for our round of golf," she said conversationally. "Are you typically an early riser like I am, J.C.?" Jamie asked as she sat down next to her cousin.

"Mmm, I can be," he decided. "But only for things I’m interested in. I make it a habit never to schedule a class before noon." He shot her one of his impish grins, and she had a glimpse into his impressive success with women. Everyone expected J.C. to become the family playboy, taking over for his father, who had relinquished the title upon his marriage. Father and son had similar appeal, Jamie thought, studying the young man while he rose to get another glass of juice. True to the Dunlop heritage, J.C. was not a very large man, but he wasn’t nearly as diminutive as his grandfather, who was practically elfin. J.C. stood about 5’8", but his well-muscled body gave him the appearance of a larger man. His hair was fair, not as light as Jamie’s, but closer to blonde than brown. Since it was late in the summer, the crown of his head was quite sun-bleached, and the color complimented his golden tan. He had the typical brown eyes of the Dunlop line, a stunningly bright smile, and a very even temper–so long as he wasn’t drunk. J.C. was never one to turn down a party, and he generally behaved himself at the frequent bashes he hosted. But if trouble started, he was always in the middle of it–fists flying.

They finished breakfast while chatting companionably about their schedules for the coming school year. When they heard J.C.’s grandmother Patsy come down the stairs and speak to one of the servants, J.C. jerked his head towards the door, whispering, "If we don’t get out now, we’ll be here another hour!"

Jamie nodded her readiness and they made a dash for the kitchen, startling the cooks and wait staff as they barreled by them, heading for the back door. "That was close." The look of relief on J.C.’s face was quite comical.

"You can make a quick getaway when you’re in the mood," Jamie laughed as they searched for the chauffeur to request a car.

"Practice, Jamie. Lots and lots of practice."

"Coming on the big sailing adventure tomorrow?" J.C. asked as they stood on the first tee of the Newport Country Club.

"Sure. It sounds like fun," Jamie said. The event was an annual affair, and every member of the family was expected to attend. "How about you?"

"Yeah, I’ll be there. Spending the day listening to my grandfather’s stories isn’t my idea of fun, but you do what you have to do."

Jamie had no ready retort to that comment, so she merely nodded as she went to hit her drive. She felt a little off today and her drive was decent, but not as sharp as usual. "Hmm, I think today could be a long day," she mused as she watched her ball roll into the short rough.

"You know, this is the first time I’ve been alone with you since we got here," J.C. stated. "Every other time some adult has been with us."

Jamie smiled at him as she observed, "We’re adults, too, J.C."

"Only chronologically, Jamie. I’m not about to give up my hard won immaturity." He was smiling as he said this, but Jamie knew there was more truth than jest in his comment. She also had the distinct feeling that he was completely happy with his lot in life, and she considered that being a good looking, wealthy playboy in New York City really wasn’t such a bad life.

"I really like being an adult," she said reflectively. "I like being responsible for my own choices, and I like the freedom of feeling that I don’t have to curry favor with my parents."

"That’s because you not only are assured of getting tons of dough when your mother dies, you never do anything to piss your parents off! You’ve always been the perfect kid."

Something about his tone irked Jamie and before she stopped to think she replied, "That’s not true, J.C. I’ve actually had a very difficult year with my parents. I’ve made some choices that have upset both of them, and even though things are going well with my mother, my father and I are not even speaking right now."

"What did you do?" he asked with an astonished look on his face. "I thought your dad idolized you."

"It’s not what I did, it’s just that he doesn’t like the direction that my life is going," she explained, being intentionally obtuse.

"Did you join a religious cult or something?" he asked, a slightly mocking smile on his handsome face.

Jamie thought about her reply for a moment. Her mother had clearly stated that she did not mind if she told her cousins about Ryan, but she was a little concerned that J.C. would just take her declaration and use it as family gossip. Still, the thought kept coming back to her that she only wanted to maintain relationships with people who knew her and accepted her. And the only way for people to know her was to be open and honest about the most meaningful relationship in her life. "No, I didn’t join a cult, although sometimes I think my father would have preferred that. I fell in love with a woman," she stated simply.

He stared at her for a moment to make sure she was serious. The determined look in her eyes told him that she was. "That’s a shocker," he said slowly as he let out a breath. "I never would have guessed that, Jamie. You just seem so…straight."

"If that’s a compliment, thank you," she said warily.

He looked a little embarrassed as he explained, "I mean that in every sense of the word. Being gay just sounds a little wild and I don’t think of you like that."

"It’s not a political statement for me J.C., I just fell in love."

"So, do you think you’re a lesbian? Or is this just a…"

"No, it’s not just a fling; no, it’s not an experiment. I love this woman with all my heart, but if we weren’t together, I wouldn’t go back to men. I’m definitely a lesbian, J.C." As she said those words she realized that it was the first time she had ever made that declaration, and she smiled broadly as she realized how comfortable she felt having made it. She wasn’t even certain why she had said it, but it felt so true–so right, that she was immensely glad that she had done so.

"Boy, it’s a pretty screwed up family when I’m the most socially acceptable kid."

"I think Julia’s got you beat," she said sweetly, as she approached her ball and gave it a beautiful ride.

After morning practice Ryan headed for the dorm, intent on getting in a serious nap. Jordan had remained in her own bed the night before, but Ryan’s sleep did not improve significantly, even though she had appreciably more room to move around in.
Jamie has absolutely ruined me! I not only don’t enjoy sleeping with other women…I don’t enjoy sleeping alone either!

When she got to the dorm she was dismayed to see that several of the younger team members had the doors to their rooms open, and they were gathered in the hall dancing to a new CD that one of them had just bought at the campus bookstore. Ryan fixed them with a glare and warned, "I’m in charge of stretching exercises today. If I don’t get a good nap in before afternoon practice, the lot of you will feel like you’ve been beaten with a rubber hose when I’m finished with you!"

Four sets of very wide eyes stared at her as she passed, and by the time she entered her room the CD had stopped and she heard four doors close so quietly that there was barely a "click."
Sometimes it’s nice to be a senior
, she smirked, falling onto her bed fully clothed.

"How about an ice cream cone?" Catherine asked, a few hours after lunch was finished.

One blonde eyebrow twitched as a slow smile spread over Jamie’s face. "I thought you’d never ask!"

Procuring a car, mother and daughter took off for one of the places that Jamie had very fond memories of. Cruising up Highway 114, Jamie decided that she had better inform her mother of her discussion with J.C. "The opportunity arose, and I told J.C. about Ryan, Mom."

Catherine looked neither surprised nor displeased, and that reassured Jamie immediately. "I’m glad," she said, smiling fondly at her daughter. "If you told him that, it must mean that you feel comfortable enough to share your private life with him. I’d really like it if you could foster a relationship with your cousins, Jamie. They’re the only family that you have." At the raised eyebrow query she received, Catherine hastened to add, "Blood relations, Dear. I know you consider Ryan your family, too."

"I do, Mom," she said. "But it’s more than that. I don’t feel like the O’Flahertys are my in-laws. It honestly feels like they’re blood relations, too. It’s like I was adopted by them–and now we’re family."

"I’m so glad that you have that, Jamie," Catherine said sincerely. "I so longed for a larger family when I was young. It must be nice." Her voice was so wistful that Jamie felt a pang of sympathy for her.

"You know, Mom," she said. "There’s no reason that you can’t be part of the clan. The entrance requirements are really simple."

Catherine gave her an impish grin and demurred, "They might be simple for you, Jamie, but I don’t think I’m oriented in that direction."

"Mom!" she cried, slapping her lightly on the thigh. "I’m not offering you my girlfriend!"

They laughed together, both amazingly comfortable with the other. "I’d really love to get to know Ryan’s family," the older woman said after she caught her breath. "Now tell me about these entrance requirements."

Jamie smiled over at her mother and said, "Well, when I joined, I just had to show that I loved Ryan. But since I’m a member now, I think I could get you in just because you love me."

She graced Catherine with a beaming smile and extended her hand. Catherine grasped it and gave it a gentle kiss, saying softly, "I love you more than you know, Jamie."

"Hey, good lookin’," Jamie said into the phone after they returned from their ice cream excursion. "I didn’t think I’d catch you before your afternoon practice."

"Must be your lucky day," Ryan agreed, her mood significantly improved after her three-hour nap. "What’s going on?"

"I just got back from the most sensually delightful experience," Jamie said, sighing heavily. "The only way I could have had a better day was if I could have used you as a cone."

"Cone?"

"We went for ice cream," Jamie informed her. "Probably the best ice cream outside of France, in my humble opinion."

"Really? I looooove ice cream," Ryan needlessly commented. "What kind did you have?"

"I got the specialty…ginger," she said reverently, speaking the word like a prayer.

"Ginger? I don’t know about that," Ryan said. "I take it this was not Baskin-Robbins?"

"Nope. It’s a little place called Gray’s in Tiverton. Just on the mainland, almost in Massachusetts. It’s so cute, Honey. They have llamas outside, contentedly chewing grass…
It’s really Rhode Islandy."

"I still don’t know about the ginger," Ryan insisted.

"Have I ever steered you wrong on any taste treat?" Jamie asked, her voice indicating that the innuendo was intentional.

"Hmm…now that you mention it," Ryan purred, her own libido waking up after its forced hibernation.

"I know you’d like the ginger, but when I bring you here I would allow you to get a cabinet," she teased.

"Hey, just because I eat a lot, doesn’t mean I want to chew on the furniture."

"It’s not furniture, silly. A cabinet is another Rhode Islandy thing. It’s whatever syrup you want…in your case, chocolate, some ice cream…in your case chocolate, and some milk. Blend it all together and you have a cabinet."

"Sounds like a shake to me," said the always practical Ryan.

"A shake it may be, but a cabinet it is when in Rhode Island. Whatever you call it, it’s delicious. I prefer the coffee myself, but I’ll buy you chocolate."

"You know," Ryan mused, "you’ve never suggested that you’d like me to go with you some day. That must mean you’re having a good time."

"I am," Jamie said. "I really am. I mean, I think I’d be having just as good a time if it was just mother and I, but it’s really nice to be in a place that means a lot to her and be able to do the things that she did when she was a little girl. After we got ice cream, we went to this really cool topiary garden where I could kinda remember going with my grandfather. It’s neat, Ryan–and I’d love to share it with you."

"Then I’d love to come. I’d be happy to go with you next year, Love."

"Well…" Jamie hesitated, not wanting Ryan to be hurt, but decided to be honest anyway. "Except for my cousin J.C., the family doesn’t know about you and me yet. I think I might have to get them comfortable with the idea before we showed up together."

"That’s cool," Ryan said easily. "You’ll tell them when it feels right. Not a problem, Babe."

Jamie let out a heavy sigh. "I love you so much, Ryan. It’s just so nice that you don’t get all bent out of shape over things like this."

"That’s probably because it really doesn’t bother me, Babe. I know you love me, and whether you feel comfortable talking about our relationship with others says more about your relationship with them than with me. It’s not a problem."