Fidelity - SF6 (46 page)

Ryan looked at Jamie in question and after just a moment of thought, Jamie smiled at her mother and said, "We’d love to have you come with us. Any way you want to travel is fine. We’ll call Annie and Tommy to make sure they don’t object, of course."

It was after ten by the time they had made tentative plans to begin their trip on Tuesday, and Ryan was fading fast. Giving Jamie a questioning look, Catherine asked, "Honey, do you have to go back home tonight? Why not stay over?"

Jamie shrugged, looking to Ryan for her opinion. The dark woman said, "Well, we could, but where would Caitie sleep?"

"In Jamie’s nursery of course," Catherine smiled, tremendously excited to be able to use the room once again.

"You still have her room set up as a nursery?" Ryan gaped, recalling what she assumed were apocryphal tales of sleeping in the bottom drawer of a bureau because Rory was still in the family crib. Space had always been at a premium in the O’Flaherty house, and baby accoutrements were quickly discarded when they were no longer utilitarian.

"Of course," Catherine said. "I reasoned that one day I’d have a few grandchildren sleeping there."

"Works for me," Ryan decided, enormously pleased to avoid the 45-minute drive home. "If you can stand to see me in the same clothes tomorrow, I’m all in favor."

Jamie had providentially thought to buy a package of disposable diapers when she went to the grocery, so Caitlin was set for the night. Ryan stayed downstairs to warm a bottle while the Evans women escorted the little guest to her room.

When the baby saw the carved mahogany crib, she began to get agitated and started looking around wildly for Ryan. "I think she just figured out that she’s not going home tonight," Jamie observed, steeling herself for the inevitable scream.

Ryan’s foot was on the first stair when it hit.
Oh-oh. Somebody’s unhappy. Catherine might get that look at Caitlin’s dark side after all
.

The frightened baby fought Jamie, trying to escape her embrace. When Ryan entered, she looked up at her with terror in her big green eyes. It had been a very long day, and as much as the baby loved to be with her big cousin, it was obvious that she was ready to go to her own home now and see her mommy and daddy. To avoid hurting her, Jamie allowed her wish to get on the floor. The baby threw herself flat onto the carpet and began to kick her arms and legs, screaming bloody murder the whole time. Ryan had never seen her have a tantrum before, and she was a bit unsure of what to do, but Jamie’s maternal instincts kicked in immediately. She lifted the baby from the floor and clasped her to her chest, sitting down in the rocker to speak to her in soft tones as she slowly rocked her. The baby tried to fight, and she got in a few good kicks and one painful punch to the side of Jamie’s head, but she held her firmly and allowed her to cry out her fears.

Catherine kissed Jamie’s head, gave Ryan a hug and whispered, "I’ll see you all in the morning. Let me know if you need anything."

"Will do," Ryan assured her. "I hope you can sleep if she cries all night."

"My room is at the other end of the house," Catherine admitted, a self-mocking smirk on her face. "I’m afraid it was Elizabeth who comforted Jamie during the night." Looking at her daughter with a face full of regret, Catherine shook her head slightly and left the room.

Ryan sat down on the floor by the rocker and helped to reassure Caitlin. The screaming had quieted down to a less painful level, so she began to sing to her in a very gentle, low tone, getting through at least eight little songs before Caitlin stopped crying, and another three before she stilled completely. Both adults were exhausted by this time, but Jamie was afraid to get up until the baby had been asleep for a little while longer, so she continued to rock.

Ryan’s head rested on Jamie’s leg as they spoke softly for a few minutes. Jamie began to run her fingers through Ryan’s dark tresses and before she knew it she had two babies sleeping on her.
What is this soporific effect I have on women?
she wondered as she smiled down at them.

After 15 minutes of calm she figured that Caitlin would stay asleep even after being moved, so she patted her lover for a few seconds, surprised at how deeply she slept. Ryan finally let out a low moan and started to sit up. She was still obviously very groggy, so Jamie got up to put the baby to bed alone. After removing Caitlin’s dress and diaper, Jamie searched for the bag from the store, dismayed to realize they had left it downstairs. A soft knock on the door revealed Catherine, clad in a jade green silk nightgown and robe, holding the package of diapers. "Need these?" she asked, crossing the room. She spared a smile at Ryan, sprawled out on the floor, sound asleep. "Let me take care of the little baby, while you get the big one into bed."

"You don’t mind?" Jamie asked.

"Not at all. Go on now."

"Okay. Thanks, Mom," she whispered. "You’ve been great."

"The pleasure is entirely mine, Jamie," she said sincerely, placing a soft kiss on her daughter’s cheek.

Jamie knelt down next to her partner on the floor. "Ryan, Honey," she whispered as she shook her gently.

But Ryan just lifted her hand and brushed Jamie’s fingers from her shoulder, as if shooing a fly.

Shaking her a little more forcefully, Jamie continued the motion until she finally got a response. "Come on, Ryan," she said firmly. "You’ve got to move to the bed."

Her eyes did not open, but she rolled over onto her side and slowly sat up. Jamie grabbed her hand and gave her a big boost, holding on to her waist as she teetered a bit. Sparing a wave to her mother, Jamie guided her nearly sleepwalking partner to her room, managing to get her pants off her once again. It took a little more work to remove her blouse and bra, but she managed, finally allowing Ryan to sink to the mattress. The dark-haired woman was asleep before her head hit the pillow, and Jamie gave her an affectionate glance as she went into the bath to get ready for bed.

When she came back Ryan was curled up in the middle of the bed, obviously seeking her partner
. I’m coming, Baby,
she thought fondly as she walked back to the adjoining door to the nursery, wanting to check on the baby one last time.

Biting back a gasp of surprise, Jamie saw her mother, holding the baby tight with a bottle gently pressed against her lips, rocking the diaper-clad infant while she sang a soft song. Caitlin’s eyes were half-closed, and she sucked mechanically, her little hands grasping and releasing handfuls of slick green fabric as she did so. Catherine was staring at the baby so intently that she didn’t hear her daughter approach.

She gave a start when Jamie placed a hand on her shoulder, looking up at her with a slightly embarrassed look. "Is this okay?" she asked tentatively. "She started to fuss a little, and I saw you hadn’t given her the bottle."

"Of course it’s okay," Jamie assured her, kissing her head. "You have very good instincts, Mom. Just follow them." She pulled a chair close and sat down, placing her hand on Caitlin’s warm back, smiling when the baby sighed heavily at her touch. "This is nice, isn’t it?" she asked softly, not really expecting an answer.

Catherine nodded slightly, a single tear rolling down her cheek. Jamie knew that her mother was once again thinking of the past, but she knew that was a pain that she couldn’t heal for her. Catherine had made choices that had hurt both of them, and even though her actions were understandable, they still carried consequences. Nonetheless, Jamie had never felt more hopeful about their relationship, and she wanted to make sure that her mother knew that.

"You know, Mom, years from now, when I look back, I’m confident that I’m going to remember this as the best year of my entire life."

Catherine nodded, smiling affectionately at her daughter. "That doesn’t surprise me, Honey," she agreed. "Finding your life-mate is a turning point in every woman’s life."

"Yes, of course, Ryan will be a very big part of my memories. I just want you to know that you’ll be an equally big part. Getting closer to you means more than I would have dared dream, Mom. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’ve tried so hard to be here for Ryan and me."

"It’s the least I can do, Jamie," she whispered, taking in a ragged breath. "I know it’s too late to make up…"

She was silenced by Jamie placing two fingers upon her lips, and she looked up through her tears to find a pair of compassionate green eyes gazing at her. "No more apologies," Jamie said firmly. "Going over the past isn’t helping either of us. We both have regrets, Mom. Let’s bury them tonight."

"Bury them?" Catherine asked, looking up in puzzlement.

"Yes. Bury them," the younger woman insisted. She reached forward and took the now-sleeping baby from her mother’s arms, placing her in the crib and covering her with a light blanket. Extending a hand, she guided her mother over to a sturdy mahogany table and indicated a chair. Pulling over her own chair, she sat down and opened a drawer, retrieving a note pad and a pair of pens.

"I want you to make a list of every single thing that you regret about our relationship. I’ll do the same." Catherine looked mildly frightened, so Jamie assured her, "I won’t read your list, so please be totally honest. Let it out, Mom," she urged.

With a heavy sigh, Catherine began to work on her list, pausing thoughtfully every few minutes, the pen repeatedly finding its way to her pursed lips. Jamie wrote down quite a few of her own regrets, most of hers focusing on the last few years when she intentionally pulled away from her mother.

Jamie finished long before Catherine, and she leaned back in her chair, watching the older woman as she focused intently on her task. A fond smile was gracing Jamie’s face when Catherine finally looked up. "Mmm…now what?" Catherine asked.

"Now…we burn them," Jamie explained, rising to fetch a large pillar-style candle from the narrow mantel over the fireplace. Catherine was giving her a suspicious glance, but that didn’t deter the determined young woman. "This will only work if you do it sincerely, Mom," she instructed. "You have to be willing to let your regrets burn away so that we can start over."

"I’m willing, Jamie," she whispered, wiping at a tear with the back of her hand. "I want to start over."

"Okay. Here goes." Jamie lit the candle, then held her list up to the flame, watching as the amber glow touched, sparked, and slowly ignited the paper. At her daughter's nod, Catherine brought her own list to the flame, where it similarly combusted. Both women watched with rapt fascination as their regrets were slowly obliterated by the spreading flames.

Jamie lifted a short metal wastebasket onto the table and they dropped the still-burning papers inside, watching them in silence as they slowly extinguished themselves.

Not a word was spoken for long minutes, and when Jamie was certain that the remnants were cold she asked, "Where should we put the ashes?"

Catherine smiled and suggested, "Let’s throw them to the winds."

Jamie returned her smile and agreed with her suggestion. "Your room?"

"Absolutely," Catherine nodded, smiling brightly. "Let’s go."

They each blew Caitlin a kiss and walked down the long hallway together, Jamie carrying the wastebasket. Entering her parents’ room, she switched on the light, but Catherine immediately doused it. "Light ruins the ambiance," she insisted, going to the French doors that faced the back yard. She opened the large doors, pleased that there was a noticeable breeze. Jamie joined her on the balcony, gazing down at the verdant green lawn, the glistening pool, and the neatly tended gardens.

The ashes in the wastebasket were scant, but Jamie managed to scoop up enough so that they each held a small handful. Jamie was right-handed and Catherine left, which allowed them to hold hands while they performed their ritual.

Jamie nodded, and on the count of three both women threw their regrets to the winds, watching in fascination as the scarred bits of paper flew around their heads for a moment before being whisked away.

Suddenly, and for no good reason, Jamie began to laugh, a small chortle that quickly grew until she was laughing out loud. Catherine gave her a slightly puzzled look, but within seconds she joined her, unexpectedly feeling lighter and more carefree than she had in years. Their linked hands separated, then slid around each other’s waists, each woman holding tightly onto the other as their laughter echoed against the stone patio beneath the balcony. Slowly, their laughter faded, replaced by a warm, satisfied feeling that seemed to settle deep in their bones.

I never thought that I’d have the chance to start a new family
, Jamie mused, the warmth of her mother’s body pressed against her.
A family of choice, made up of all of the people who want to share our love. Ryan will always be at the center, of course, but I know that Mom will be there too. All of the O’Flahertys and the Driscolls, of course. Hmm…Mia’s part of my family, too, when I think of it like this. This is such a gift…this feeling of being drawn together by love
. Leaning her head against her mother’s shoulder, Jamie recognized the feeling for what it was, and thanked the gods for giving her the opportunity to experience it. She leaned her head back and stared up at the moonlit sky, offering a silent prayer for the unexpected but cherished gift: the promise of a bright new beginning.