Fidelity - SF6 (38 page)

As Ryan tried to get comfortable in the unyielding pew, she realized how very sore she was. Even though she'd had frequent massages and had iced her knees and ankles every afternoon, the constant pounding on the hard court had taken its toll. Caitlin was standing on her thighs, observing the crowd, and Ryan was trying to decide if the pain in her legs was helped by the unintentional massage when someone slid into the pew next to her. Ryan had started to turn her head when the woman leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Hi," Sara Andrews said, a happy smile on her face. "Where’s your girlfriend?"

Ryan blinked slowly, trying to remember the question. She knew it was her turn to talk, but her brain wasn’t firing quickly this morning and she looked confused for a second. "Oh!" she said, finally tracking, "she’s visiting relatives in Rhode Island."

"That’s a drag," Sara sympathized. "Why didn’t you go with?"

The question was simple enough, and Ryan knew the correct answer, but for just a flash she felt a little left out to not have been invited. Mentally slapping herself, she focused on the facts and replied, "One…Jamie wanted some alone time with her mom. Two…I had to go to Santa Cruz for a week for volleyball training camp. Just got back last night."

Sara shivered in sympathy, remembering the not-so-distant past when she was in training for the upcoming soccer season. "Is Jamie coming home soon?"

The relief on Ryan’s face was evident as she sighed and said, "This afternoon." She gave her old friend a wry smile and added, "It seems like time is standing still."

"Speaking of standing," Sara said as she focused her attention on Caitlin, "who’s this little beauty standing on your thighs?"

"My cousin Caitlin," Ryan whispered as the priest began to walk down the aisle.

The baby stared at Sara with interest, leaning hard against Ryan’s chest for added security until she felt comfortable with their unfamiliar visitor. She batted her big green eyes at Sara, glad that someone new was paying attention to her, and graced her with a shy but charming grin.

The warm-up period did not take long, and Caitlin slowly inched closer and closer to Sara, indicating her willingness to allow this person to entertain her. "Can I hold her?" Sara finally asked, unable to resist the baby’s charms. She held her hands out in invitation, and the baby immediately went to her, leaning forward to tumble into Sara’s lap.

Sara bit back a laugh at the forwardness of the little girl who was now happily standing on her own thighs. Caitlin started her favorite game of ‘grab parts of the big person’s face’–always a crowd pleaser. Luckily no one was sitting right behind them, so they could stay seated and get to know one another intimately during the opening hymn. As the baby got more and more comfortable, she grabbed Sara’s nose so hard that the older woman had tears in her eyes. Chagrined, Ryan tried to take her back, but Sara waved her off with a good-natured smile.

Caitlin found the new person thoroughly fascinating, her interest captured by Sara’s willingness to allow her to do whatever she wanted to her. The baby had examined Sara’s ears, her eyes, and her hair in minute detail by the time the hymn was finished, and Ryan couldn’t help casting fond glances at the twosome who were so thoroughly entertaining each other. As the congregation sat down to listen to the bible readings, Caitlin announced both the completion of her investigation and her satisfaction with the results by grabbing two handfuls of hair and planting a very big, very wet kiss right on Sara’s mouth.

"Isn’t she a little young for that?" the amused woman whispered into Ryan’s ear with a chuckle.

Ryan gave her helpless shrug, shaking her head with surprise. "She usually doesn’t make a move like that until the second date," she whispered. That drew a very familiar, warm laugh from the woman at her side, the melodic sound now a little deeper and a little fuller than it had been when they were young. Sara gave her old friend a gentle nudge with her shoulder, a gesture she had made a thousand times over the years.

When the congregation stood for a reading from the New Testament, Sara remained seated with the tyke, and Ryan gave them a quick glance to find Sara whispering into the tiny ear, delighting the baby each time her breath tickled. Since Caitlin’s second favorite game was ‘do whatever it is that I like until I’m sick of it,’ Sara willingly went along with the program, whispering into Caitlin’s ear again and again.

When the congregation began to sing the Celtic Alleluia, Sara held Caitlin up high on her chest so that the baby could easily see her face. Her warm, smooth soprano voice filled Ryan’s ears, and she involuntarily closed her eyes as she remembered all of the services they had attended together in high school. Sacred Heart required daily attendance at Mass, and the two friends always managed to sit next to one another, even though they were in different classes. Whichever young woman arrived first would save a seat for the other, and no one ever attempted to sit in the seat that the whole school knew was saved for one half of the O’Flaherty/Andrews pair.

The melody of the familiar tune surrounded her like a warm embrace as Ryan was touched by a very strong sense memory of sitting in the little chapel at the high school, listening to Sara’s voice. Ryan recalled that there was always something so warm and comforting about it, and to her surprise, she felt the same old tingle. With a start, she realized that it must remind her of her mother’s voice, which, to her memory, was very much like Sara’s. Caitlin was now under the spell of that angelic voice, as she leaned back in Sara’s arms to watch her mouth move as the words came tumbling out.

Feeling very shaky, Ryan sat down after the gospel reading and tried to listen to the homily, but she was having little success. There was a very large part of her that wished her old friend had not chosen this day to attend Mass, even though it was nice to have a hand with Caitlin in what was likely to be a long day. It was hard enough to have her anxiety building about Jamie’s return without the added stress of her friend’s presence and the accompanying memories that assailed all of her senses.

The ten or fifteen minutes of the homily were always the toughest time of the Mass for Caitlin, since only one person was talking and there were very few visual effects to keep her focused. But today she snuggled up against Sara and spent most of the time investigating her heavy bracelet-style watch and the interlocking three-band ring she wore on the ring finger of her right hand.

Ryan cast repeated glances at the twosome, pleased that Sara was so adept at entertaining the baby, but still uncomfortable with her old friend’s presence. After a while, Caitlin’s lids began to blink slowly and she fought to stay awake, jerking herself upright several times. Sara instinctively handled her just perfectly, putting her hands on the baby’s back and giving her a gentle massage. In a matter of moments, Caitlin’s fair head dropped into the soft valley between Sara’s breasts and her little thumb drifted towards her mouth, where she began to suck gently.
I can’t count how many times I’ve wanted to do that, you lucky kid,
Ryan thought with a tinge of envy, before catching the thought and giving herself a mental shake.
Knock it off, Ryan! 1992 is over!

Sara smiled over at her friend and whispered, "She is so adorable, Ryan. She’s just precious."

No matter how uncomfortable Ryan felt in this situation, she was touched by the pleasure Sara was obviously getting from playing with Caitlin. The smile that lit up her old friend’s face was infectious, and Ryan returned it full-force. As a thin string of drool left Caitlin’s mouth, Ryan leaned over and whispered, "Do you want me to take her? She can get a little heavy–and a little messy."

"After all those years of lugging law books around? I can handle a little wisp like this," Sara scoffed with a dismissive grin. "And a little spit never hurt anyone."

Caitlin continued to snooze through the middle of the Mass and Ryan was actually able to pay attention for the first time since they had been coming to church with the baby. Caitlin liked to go to the sanctuary with the other kids for the Eucharistic Prayer, which was fast approaching, but since she was so sound asleep Ryan thought it wise to allow her to continue her nap. But just a few minutes before the prayer began, she woke up with a start and looked around in a daze. Once she caught sight of Ryan she was fine, and when the kids began running up the aisle, she wanted to be a part of it. "She likes to go up with the other kids. Want me to take her?" Ryan asked, thinking that Sara would likely not feel comfortable going up with them.

"She seems perfectly happy now," Sara said. "Why don’t I just keep her? Besides, it’ll be fun. I haven’t been up there since I was an acolyte."

As they settled in with the big crowd, Ryan noticed that they were the only same sex couple, but she thought it was a good thing for her fellow parishioners to see. She met and held Father Pender’s slightly concerned glance, but Sara didn’t seem to notice it since she was focused on Caitlin.

Father Pender began the long prayer, with Caitlin babbling along in her usual indecipherable language. She would occasionally make a loud point, but she kept it down when Ryan patiently shushed her. Caitlin seemed to really like being in Sara’s arms since she could see Ryan more clearly from there. Occasionally, the baby would reach out and pat her face, or lean over to pucker up for a kiss, but she seemed to prefer being held by Sara.

As the prayer was completed the priest offered them all the sign of peace, and the people moved from person to person shaking hands and kissing cheeks. Sara gave Caitlin a kiss and then leaned over to kiss Ryan. Prudently turning her head to present a cheek to Sara, Ryan then accepted a big wet one from Caitlin. Each adult moved a few feet in each direction, shaking hands with the others surrounding them, but as they moved away, Caitlin started to feel a little insecure. She started to fuss in Sara’s arms as she tried to get Ryan’s attention. Sara was busy greeting the others, so Caitlin finally took matters into her own small hands, choosing that moment to clearly speak her first words. "Da Da!" she shouted as she held her arms out to Ryan, a fiercely determined look covering her small features. Turning around in amazement, Ryan reached out and took the baby, giving her a comforting hug, as everyone around the altar tried to suppress their laughter. Ryan blushed deeply until her excitement at being the object of Caitlin’s first words overtook her embarrassment.

As they walked back to their seats, Sara companionably slid her arm around Ryan’s waist in a gesture that they had shared since they were in grammar school. There was something so reassuring and familiar about her touch that Ryan felt a little weak in the knees. Involuntarily, she flashed on what her life would be like if Sara had accepted her love seven years before. She guessed that if they were still together, they might very well have a baby of their own by this point. If they had focused on career over family, Ryan would just have finished her second year of graduate or medical school, since she would not have had the two-year hiatus after high school. Her head spun with the imagined possibilities and the reality of what had actually happened. Sara was sitting very close to her in order to satisfy Caitlin’s wishes to touch them both at once, and Ryan kept getting a whiff of her delicate scent.
I don’t think I can be around this woman,
she thought to herself, feeling her head shake in dismay
. I’m unable to control my thoughts and stay in the present when I’m with her.

Mass ended while this jumble of thoughts was playing in her head, and Ryan suddenly felt Caitlin tumble back into her lap, nearly dropping the baby when her hands didn’t react as quickly as normal. "Hey, are you okay?" Sara asked, placing her hand on Ryan’s shoulder.

Shaking her head briskly, Ryan managed to say, "Yeah. Fine. I’m just a little preoccupied today, what with Jamie coming home."

"When is she due back?"

Ryan groaned audibly, checking her watch as she muttered, "not for two and a half more hours. I guess I need to go run the hills to take my mind off of waiting."

"Why don’t we pass some of that time by having lunch together?" Sara asked, cocking her head in question. "I have a feeling that you’ve been a busy girl while I’ve been away. Knowing you, you’ve interviewed every member of your class from Sacred Heart."

Ryan mind was so slow that it took her a minute to understand what her friend was talking about.
Away? She’s been away? Oh, right! She went on vacation after the bar exam
. As the seconds ticked away, she realized that she had to give Sara an answer, but she was having an internal dialogue that was driving her to distraction.
I shouldn’t be alone with her…I told Jamie that I wouldn’t see her! Yes
, another side of her brain reminded her,
but Jamie told you that you were free to see Sara or anyone else that you wanted. She specifically said that she did not want to police your interactions with other people.

Sara’s open, inquisitive gaze had never left her face, and Ryan finally found her own head nodding hesitantly. "I’d like to have lunch. As you surmised, I’ve got a lot to tell you."

"Wow, nice ride, Ryan," Sara said appreciatively as they walked up to the Lexus.

Ryan looked a little sheepish as she admitted, "Jamie bought it for me."

Sara stopped in her tracks as she stared at her friend. "She bought it
for
you?"

"Yeah. Jamie’s the heir to a very substantial fortune," she said simply, shrugging her shoulders a little, deciding that if she was going to reinstate her friendship with Sara she had to try to be as open with her as she had always been.