Fidelity - SF6 (39 page)

"God, I know her dad makes a lot of money, but this is a very big gift. Not that I don’t think you’re worth it, of course," she amended with a laugh.

"Thanks," Ryan smiled, blushing a little. "Her mom really has the big bucks, but Jamie does have money of her own, too. It’s kind of a sore subject for me, Sara. We’re having some financial issues right now because of a number of things."

"Hmm, I guess there are worse problems, but knowing you, I can see how having a girlfriend with tons of dough would be difficult." She placed her hand on Ryan’s back as she said, "I bet it drives you mad when people think you’re with her for her money, right?"

"Just a little," Ryan chuckled, deciding that she should not reveal who her main tormentor was since Sara would soon be working for Jim’s firm.

"I would never think that of you, Ryan. Actually, I’m a little surprised that you let yourself fall for a rich woman."

Ryan laughed gently, shaking her head at the memory. "I didn’t let myself, Sara. I thought we were just friends–and then one day…bang! I was in looooove." She adopted her best lovesick expression, rolling her eyes at her own naïveté.

"Well, you certainly seem happy," Sara commented thoughtfully as she got into the back with the baby.

"I am," Ryan said decisively. "I feel more optimistic about the future than I ever have."

"You’re the most optimistic person I’ve ever known!" Sara threw her head back and laughed heartily. "You must be off the scale now, then!"

"That’s a safe bet," Ryan smiled, pointing the car down the hill to the business district of 24
^th
St.

"Where are we headed?" Sara asked.

"Caitlin has worn out her welcome at most places in the neighborhood, but there are still a couple that don’t know her reputation. I think we should exploit one of those."

Sara and Caitlin were chattering away nonstop during the short ride, and Ryan couldn’t help but grin at them when she looked into the rear view mirror. "I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around children," Ryan observed. "You’re really a natural."

"Thanks," Sara replied with a blush. "I hope I can have kids some day, but I wouldn’t consider it if I didn’t have a partner." She looked rather glum as she added, "I’ve got a long way to go before I’m in that position, though."

"So what are you doing home?" Ryan asked with forced brightness, changing the subject entirely.

"Well, I haven’t been home in a while. I thought it would be nice to spend a little time with my parents before I start my job tomorrow."

"Boy, I’m obviously still in student-mode," Ryan laughed. "When you said that I thought, ‘But it’s still August! Vacation’s not over yet!’ "

Sara looked a little wistful, staring out of the car window for a moment as she said, "Those days are over, Ryan. I become a full-fledged adult tomorrow."

Ryan looked in the rear view mirror, catching the resigned look on her friend’s face. "You could run away and join the circus," she suggested playfully, pleased when Sara met her eyes in the mirror and gave her a gentle smile.

"If I was going to join the circus, I should have done it before I spent three years in law school and had to sit for that wretched exam," she smirked. "That was just poor planning on my part."

"How do you think it went?" Ryan asked.

"Who knows?" she replied lightly. "I’ll find out on Thanksgiving weekend. I’m just going to assume I passed and deal with it later if I didn’t."

"I’m sure you did fine," Ryan assured her, knowing that Sara would have focused all of her energies to insure her success on the bar exam.

As usual, there was no parking anywhere on 24
^th
St., so Ryan drove back to her house and put the car in the garage. It took a while to arrange all of the things they needed for the short walk, but they were finally on their way.

The day was warm and bright, and both women slipped on their sunglasses as they walked along. They had traveled only a few feet when Sara asked, "We haven’t spoken about the day I came to your house, Ryan. I didn’t cause too much trouble for you, did I?"

Ryan debated only moments before she decided to be completely honest with her old friend. "I’m happy to talk about it," she said quietly. "Are you sure you want to?"

"Yes," Sara replied firmly. "I’d like to know where I stand."

"It’s really complicated, Sara," she admitted. "Seeing you was both wonderful and terrible for me. It really made me feel great to learn that you did not betray me. I mean, I felt seven years of pain just float away when I learned that," she said with a gentle smile. "It really meant a lot to me."

"But?" Sara led her.

"But it hurt Jamie a great deal and introduced some doubt into her mind that wasn't there before. I’m afraid that’s going to take a very long time to heal."

Sara slowed her pace, looking slightly stunned as she asked, "What did you tell her?"

"I told her everything," Ryan said, as though that should be obvious.

"God, Ryan, you didn’t have to tell her everything! She didn’t need to know that we kissed!"

Ryan stopped and stared at her for a moment. "I do need to tell her everything, Sara," she said evenly. "I’m building a life with Jamie. Honesty is the foundation of that life. I told her about how we started to kiss…" Ryan gazed into the warm brown eyes that blinked up at her while she struggled to decide how much to reveal. Thinking back on all of the pain Sara had caused her by hiding the truth, she made a decision. Resting one hand on Sara’s shoulder, Ryan faced her and admitted, "I told Jamie the absolute truth. I told her that I didn’t want you to stop."

Sara emitted a startled gasp, her hand reflexively rising to cover Ryan’s, where it still rested on her shoulder. "I…I thought that..."

"No, Sara. I wanted to keep going. I wanted you to touch me just like I touched you seven years ago. I had to be honest with her. Jamie would know if I kept something like that from her."

Caitlin chose that moment to start wailing, and a quick visual confirmed that a diaper change was immediately required. They were less than a block from her home, so Ryan asked, "Do you mind if I take her home and change her?"

"No…no, of course not," Sara said mechanically. "I’ve uh…kinda lost my appetite, anyway."

They backtracked in silence, Ryan’s last statement hanging over their heads. When they reached the house, Sara stayed on the deck, allowing Duffy to wildly greet her while Ryan took care of business.

When she emerged from the house, Sara was sitting down, staring out onto the street with unseeing eyes. Ryan sat opposite her, bouncing the baby on her knee. She stared at her friend until the dark brown eyes lifted to meet and hold her gaze. "I uh…I had no idea, Ryan," Sara murmured. "I just assumed that you didn’t want to…" she trailed off helplessly, a look of stark pain on her face.

"Sara," Ryan said softly, her eyes reflecting the pain that Sara felt. "I spent my entire senior year playing that night over and over in my mind, wondering what I had done to make you accept my touch and then turn on me. It never, ever made sense to me." A few tears slid down her face, and Sara reached for the baby to allow Ryan to wipe them away. "It made me question everything," she whispered, trying to hold the onslaught of emotion at bay. "My faith, my judgment, my love for others…everything!" Ryan got up from her chair and went to the railing, leaning on it as she continued. "Allowing you to touch me when you were at my house would have been a healing balm for my soul." Her shoulders slumped as her body shook with her tears, the years of hurt and pain flooding her.

"But you couldn’t do that to Jamie," Sara supplied, knowing that was the answer.

"I will never intentionally hurt her," Ryan said, the ferocity in her voice causing Sara to unconsciously shrink back from her. "It hurt her to know the truth, but our relationship is based on honesty, Sara. I have to be honest with her."

Getting up from her chair, Sara stood next to Ryan, reached down and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tight. Her voice was slow and deliberate, and for the first time she sounded like a much older woman. "Does anybody need that much honesty, Ryan?"

"She asked me, and I had to tell her. I’d do anything not to hurt her, but I also can never lie to her. It’s…been hard," she admitted softly.

"I guess that means she’d be too upset to allow us to try and be friends again, huh?"

"It’s not that," Ryan said quickly. "She’s very understanding, and I know she’d support me in anything I tried to do.
I
don’t think it’s a good idea to see you again, Sara. For me, not for Jamie," she added softly.

Sara looked crestfallen as she gazed at Ryan through pain-filled eyes. "I understand," she said as her lower lip began to tremble. "I was asking a lot to expect you to forgive me. I can just walk home from here," she added as she handed the baby to Ryan and turned to walk away.

"No, no!" Ryan grabbed her arm. "That’s not it. The problem is just the opposite," she explained. "I was really in love with you, Sara," she said fervently. "I really believed that you loved me too."

"I did, Ryan," she said, grabbing her hand again.

Ryan shook her head to stop Sara from defending herself. "When everything happened, my feelings didn’t just go away. In a way, they got stuck right there. I knew I could never have you, but it didn’t really change the way I felt about you. I hated what you did, but I couldn’t hate
you
. Do you understand that?"

"Yes, I think I do," she said as she gripped Ryan’s hand a little tighter.

"So I fumbled through the next seven years, never falling in love again, until Jamie, of course. Then you tell me that everything was different than what I had believed. You didn’t betray me--you loved me then and you still love me now! I fell in love with Jamie thinking that what I felt for you could never be returned. But you’ve shown me that we could resurrect that love and be together, and the prospect of that is just too tempting for me, Sara."

Sara fell into Ryan’s arms and started to cry uncontrollably, the puzzled baby nestled between their bodies. Ryan did her best to comfort her, but she was terribly sad also. She stroked Sara’s hair and murmured soothing words to her as she continued to cry. "I’ve never regretted anything in my life more than listening to my mother when she tried to convince me that I wasn’t like you," she sobbed.

"I know, I know," Ryan said softly as she continued to comfort her. "But you did, and it’s over now, Sara…it has to be. I’m committed to Jamie. I want to be committed to Jamie. I love her very much, and she loves me just as much. I will not do anything to jeopardize our relationship. It means far too much to me," she said vehemently as the tears began anew.

"So there’s no chance for us?" Sara asked shakily, despair in her voice.

"No. There’s no chance at all. I’m going to be with Jamie for the rest of my life." The look on Ryan’s face told Sara everything that she needed to know about her commitment.

"But what if…I mean, I know it’s not likely, but what if you and Jamie…?"

Ryan’s head was shaking rapidly, even while Sara was completing her statement. "No," she said firmly, her voice cracking with emotion. "It has to be over between us, Sara. We had our chance. It’s time to move on…for both of us."

"But Ryan," she sobbed. "If you really loved me…"

Silencing her first love with a gentle squeeze of her shoulder, Ryan slowly shook her head; her face composed, but determined. "I did love you, Sara, but loving Jamie has shown me a level of love and commitment that I didn’t know existed. I…I could never go back to how I felt about you, Sara. It…it obviously wasn’t enough."

"But Ryan, I swear you’re all I’ve thought of for the past seven years! Every time another woman kisses me, I see your face–I feel your lips. It’s your hands that touch me, your body that moves against mine…"

Nearly overcome with empathy for her friend, Ryan spoke the truth, even though she knew it was more painful to hear than it was to say. "That may be, Sara. You may dream of me, you may wish that we could be together. But you didn’t have the guts to make a phone call for seven long years. You couldn’t write one letter to me…one paragraph…one sentence…telling me how you felt. I hate to say this–it kills me to say this--but I have to be honest with you, Sara. I could never trust you enough to love you–even if Jamie didn’t exist. I would always fear that you’d give up on us if things got to be too difficult."

Sobbing freely, Sara asked the obvious question. "How do you know that Jamie can be trusted?"

Smiling softly, Ryan said, "She’s willing to give up anything to be with me, Sara. She’d give up her family, her friends, her wealth. She’s completely dedicated to me and to our relationship. I know that in my heart and in my soul. It’s a bone-deep confidence, born of the sacrifices she’s already made."

"Okay," she sniffed, standing tall and squaring her shoulders. She shook her head to settle her hair, and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. "I can accept that, Ryan. I won’t try to contact you again."

"No, that’s not necessary," Ryan replied as she draped her arm around her shoulders. "Just because that phase of our relationship is over is no reason to think we can’t be friends again, Sara. I just don’t think it’s a good idea for me to see you alone. I really think we both need some time to mourn the loss of our what could have been. When the sexual and emotional tension has died down I’d love to get to know you again." A wide smile settled onto Ryan’s face as she said, "I didn’t just fall in love with you because I wanted to sleep with you, you know. I loved your personality and your energy. I’m sure that Jamie would like you if she got to know you, too. So let’s give it some time and see how things go." Ryan cocked her head slightly and asked, "Do you know what I’d really like?"