Fight for Love (12 page)

“I’m sorry,” Stacey said. I heard the thump of what sounded like a forehead hitting the door.

I ripped the door open. “Stacey, go away. I’m not in the mood to listen to your excuses of why we can’t try things out. Maybe you’re scared. Maybe the heat I feel coming off of you when I’m around is a tease. Maybe you’ve never been with a guy so you get off from any guy that comes around. Fuck if I know, and right now I don’t care. I’ll figure out somewhere else to stay tomorrow, but right now, leave me alone.”
 

I stood there waiting for her to react, to say something-anything. The only thing I got was an occasional clenching of her hands into fists. My blood, on the other hand, reached a boiling point. When I clenched my fist it took every ounce of restraint I had to not throw a punch. If it were anyone other than Stacey in front of me they’d have been laid out on their back. But I couldn’t hit her. I refused to hit her. So I shut the door, this time with care.
 

After a few minutes to calm down and regain some control, I yanked on my running shoes and left. On my way out I caught a brief glimpse of Stacey curled up on the couch, but didn’t stop to apologize or talk. What I needed was a way to release some of my anger. The visualization technique didn’t do shit, and there wasn’t a punching bag around. So, a run was my only option. A nice long, heart pounding, relentless run.
 

Five miles later and breathless, I staggered back into the apartment. Sweat dripping down the back of my t-shirt combined with the blast of frigid air sent a wave of chills through my body. Stacey lay stretched out on the couch, a book propped up on her chest. Her arm dangled off the side. I leaned against the door to watch her chest rise and fall.
 

I needed to move out. Staying with Stacey and relying on her to take care of everything didn’t feel right. Besides, our friendship meant too much to me. Losing her meant losing the last bit of normalcy I had. But without any friends I didn’t know what to do. Did I owe Stacey an apology? Was I pushing too hard? Hell, there were probably a thousand other things I ought to be worrying about. Like college, or my new job, or how to get through school and graduate.
 

With the slide down the slippery slope I’d started, graduating high school looked to be a major accomplishment. Then again, if I didn’t graduate there wouldn’t be any questions about Stacey and me. She’d have nothing to do with a guy that couldn’t even graduate.
 

I couldn’t leave Stacey’s place, but I knew I needed to back off from the relationship and get some other shit straight first.
 

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Three quiet raps on the door pulled me from my half-in-half-out sleep state. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and grimaced at the wave of pain that shot through my muscles. Apparently my run tired me more than expected. I’d have to get back on the running horse again.
 

“Luke, are you awake?”

“Yeah, come on in.” I cleared my throat and tugged on the shorts I’d left on the floor next to the bed.
 

Stacey slowly opened the door and stuck her head through, but didn’t come all the way in. I perched against the headboard, my hands behind my head. “What’s up?”

“Can we talk?”

“On one condition.” She raised an eyebrow. I couldn’t help but smile. “You’ve gotta come in my room.”

Her slippers shuffled across the floor and the bed sunk when she sat down. “Luke, look…”

I held up a finger to her lips. “Nope. Me first. I was wrong last night and I’m sorry. I know I’ve got a lot of shit to deal with, and you’ve got a life to live. I promise I won’t cause you any more trouble.”

“Are you leaving?”

My head dropped down. “I dunno. I need to. It would be easier for both of us if I did.”

“Why would you say that? What in the hell makes you think it would be easier for me if you weren’t here? Did I not tell you that I wanted you to stay here with me? You said you needed help figuring things out. Then take the help I’m offering.”

“And the walls finally come down.” I mumbled.
 

Stacey poked me in the chest. “Oh I haven’t even started. I’m so tired of your macho bullshit. What is with guys? Never willing to take what’s offered, always wanting something more from a girl if she shows the slightest hint of interest. You’ve got some serious problems and you don’t even try to fix them.”

That’s where Stacey was wrong. “Now you’ve crossed the line. You have no idea if I’ve tried or haven’t tried to fix my problems. You think you’ve got me all figured out. I’m just like the rest of them...or so you say. You think I’m full of shit. Take a look at yourself princess.”
 

She didn’t know just how far she’d pushed me. Then again, I didn’t know how far she’d pushed me. Not until I felt my feet hit the shag carpet and my hands wrap around her upper arms. Her muscles tensed and her breath caught. My fingers tightened until Stacey let out a whimper. The haze I’d fallen into cleared. I jumped away from her, but she stayed still as stone.
 

Time stopped. I waited for her to say something. “You want to help me? Then help me avoid this.” I waived my hand between us. “Fuck. I can’t do this. I can’t be this person.” I turned my back to her.
 

Tremors hit my back and made their way around my stomach, but they weren’t from me. They were from her arms wrapped around my waist. “You don’t have to be that person. We know what the problem is. Now let’s work on learning how to overcome it. One step at a time. Lissa and I will be there for you. All you have to do is say the word.”

Stacey’s touch was comforting, like a friend, it felt right. She was right. Dr. Greenberg wanted to help me. Chelsea offered too. But they weren’t the ones that were supposed to help. Dave and Mom should have been the front-runners. More so considering Dave had a hand in my anger issues. Thanks to his nightly rounds, the only way I knew how to deal with my anger was with fists.
 

Mom hadn’t called me since I’d last seen her on Monday. I didn’t know why, wasn’t sure I wanted to know. All I knew was that she didn’t call. She didn’t care. Dave was too busy running the place and she’d forgotten about me. Of course, Dave was probably using her as a punching bag. If she didn’t care enough to check on me, why should I care enough to get her out of the house? Because she was my mom, that’s why.

I tugged on Stacey’s hands and pulled her arms from around my waist then turned to face her. The caution in her eyes told me everything I needed to know. My earlier reaction scared her, but damn if she didn’t surprise the hell out of me by not screaming like a girl. I felt my lips turn up into a smile.
 

“Does that mean what I think it means Luke Sullivan?”

With my fingers still locked around her wrists, I pulled Stacey’s arms around me again. My chin rested on the top of her head. “Yes, it does. And Stacey…thank you.”

A few hours later Stacey sat at her desk answering phones and directing patients, while I sat in one of the waiting room chairs reading a book I’d picked up at the library, more ways to relax and de-stress, more bullshit breathing techniques. I slammed the book shut and closed my eyes.
 

“Luke.” Dr. Greenberg said.

Exhaustion outweighed politeness. “Yes, ma’am.” Well maybe not completely.
 

“Stacey said you wanted to talk.”

That perked me right up. “Umm, she did?”

Dr. Greenberg glanced over her shoulder in Stacey’s direction. I tried to catch their silent exchange without luck. Her stance shifted to keep Stacey’s face out of my view.
 

“Well it seems maybe she initiated this conversation without your knowledge or consent.”

I stretched my legs. “Yep, it seems that way.”

She lifted her wrist and studied her watch then returned to me. “I have time if you’d like to talk.”

“Nope. Don’t have anything to say.” I stretched out in the chair and crossed one ankle over the other. Dr. Greenberg relaxed her rigid stance and crossed her arms, then lowered her eyes to study me through her lashes.
 

“I don’t believe that. You told Stacey you’d accept help. If you meant it, then I suggest you and I go back to my office and talk. Besides we have an appointment scheduled already. I’ll adjust my schedule and meet with you now rather than later.” When I didn’t say anything she kicked the toe of my shoe. “Did you lie to Stacey?”

“Hell no. I didn’t lie to her.”

“Then come talk to me.”

I let out a long sigh. “Fine.”

We made the jaunt down the hall to Dr. Greenberg’s office in silence. She opened the door and walked in, not waiting for me to catch up. If I were honest with myself I’d admit that I liked knowing she didn’t feel as if she needed to wait on me anymore. Then again, maybe it was another sign I’d spent too much time in the office waiting room.
 

“How are you and Stacey getting along?” She asked and I had to be careful with my reply. I couldn’t let her know I’d been staying at Stacey’s apartment.

I shrugged my shoulders. “It’s no different than before. I only see her when I’m here. Why do you ask?”

Dr. Greenberg shook her head. “You know I don’t believe that, I see how you look at her. But that’s not for me to discuss unless you want to. Where are you staying?”

I hesitated, “At a friend’s house. I got a new job so I can help out with the bills and stuff.”

“Do you have any idea how Dave will react to the situation?”

“I know exactly how he’s going to react. He’s a douche bag. First thing he’ll do is demand me to meet him downstairs. Then…” I looked away. Dr. Greenberg didn’t know the details of our fights, and she wasn’t going to if I had a say in things.
 

“Then what?”

“Nothing. Forget it.” I cracked my knuckles and tapped my foot. “You talked to Stacey?” Dr. Greenberg lowered her chin in a nod. “I want to know how to control my temper. The stuff you’ve told me to do before helped, but it’s too hard sometimes. Besides it only works when I know what’s going on. Is there any way to be proactive?”

“I don’t know. The first thing we have to do is figure out why you have this problem. I’m pretty sure I know your triggers, but telling you to avoid all situations that make you angry won’t help much. It’d be near impossible for you to do.”

I shook my head and contemplated my next question. A part of me knew we’d have to talk about Dave sooner rather than later. Diversion techniques ran through my mind, how to change the subject, other things that might have caused the problem, anything other than talking about Dave. One day I’d have to face the reality, but my hope was that today wasn’t that day.
 

“For us to work through this, it’s time to start opening up about Dave.”

I threw my hands in the air. “Wait. You got me in here because Stacey came to you. Isn’t that against some kind of privacy regs?”

Dr. Greenberg scrubbed her hand down her face. “Luke, don’t try to change the subject. I’ve already talked to Stacey about her coming to me. She knows that she’s not to break your trust like that again, and was warned that if it happens she will be placed on suspension.”

“Good.” I hoped my face didn’t show my lack of enthusiasm about Stacey’s discipline. I hated that she’d gotten in trouble for helping me. I wanted to stay with her, but the risk was too much. I didn’t mean to make Dr. Greenberg think Stacey did something I didn’t want her to do. I mean, I told her that I’d open up and ask for help. She didn’t do anything wrong.
How did I keep screwing things up so badly?
 

“Luke come on, I told you we couldn’t do this if you weren’t willing to tell me everything. I know you and Dave don’t get along. Why don’t you start by telling me what it is you tend to fight about?”

The muscles in my jaw clenched. I shook my head then studied the clock that hung on the wall behind Dr. Greenberg’s desk. “No. I’ve got to go.” I left without another word, not to Dr. Greenberg and not to Stacey. It was late into the night before I found my way back to Stacey’s apartment. Fortunately for me, she left the door unlocked.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

After a week of suspension and working at Corner Records I began splitting my time between school and the store. Two weeks later I felt pretty good about myself. It was as if life finally threw me a line drive down the middle rather than a curve ball. The only missing piece was Mom. She and I hadn’t talked since I moved out. I hated staying away, but it took strength I didn’t have to go back.
 

Since we’d moved from Florida nothing seemed right. I didn’t fit in at school, I hated Dave, my mom wasn’t herself, and Dad wasn’t around. The guys at the store were cool. The Emos gave me pointers on the layout. Todd and Scott, the resident college guys, provided the low-down on how to get away with shit while the managers were out. They’d perfected screwin’ around which was why they hadn’t left the store after graduating high school. I took more notes from them than anyone else, managers included.
 

I saw Dr. Greenberg once a week and every appointment turned out to be the same. She tried to get me to talk about Dave. I refused. Most of the hour was spent in a standoff and neither of us said much. I did appreciate the fact that she didn’t push me, but at the same time it felt like a waste of time being there and not making progress. I guess a part of me hoped she would push the issue and I’d be forced to talk.

Even though I had nothing to do with him, the nagging sensation in my gut didn’t lessen. I knew the moment I stepped over the threshold of the house I’d be dragged downstairs to the mat. He’d be relentless in beating the shit out of me to teach me a lesson on the proper way to act. After he felt I’d learned enough, I’d get a reprieve for an hour or so before returning for another round. This time would be punishment for getting my ass thrown in jail and not coming home afterwards. He’d spew bullshit about how worried my mom was and how bad I made her feel. My stomach wrenched at the thought of what abuse she took while I hid out at Stacey’s. But it wasn’t bad enough to get me to go home, which made me feel worse. Not only did I ignore the fact that I’d screwed up and skipped out on taking responsibility for my actions, I let my mom take the brunt of my punishment. And there was no question in my mind that he took everything out on her, at least everything he wasn’t reserving for me.