Fight With Me (Fight and Fall) (21 page)

I moan loudly, the overwhelming se
nsations very much missed these past months. I hook my feet around his legs, causing him to collapse on top of me on the bed. He shifts his body to the side of me, obviously worried that he might crush me. He kisses his way down my chest, pulling my nipple into his mouth. He tugs it roughly with his teeth, as the heels of my feet dig into the mattress.

“I just want you. Only you,” I breathe out, closing my eyes as he continues to suck and nip.

His movements cease above me, and I blink in equal confusion and sexual frustration. When I look up, I see him frozen above me, a frown marring his face.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I ask worriedly, trying to figure out what went wrong.

He looks at me deeply before getting up off the bed and onto his feet again. I grab the sheet from the bed, covering myself. I’m sure my entire body is blushing with embarrassment. I feel more than a little hurt and rejected.

“Stop, Emma. Just stop,” he breathes out, running his hands over his face.

I looked at him, puzzled by what he’s referring to.

“I saw the way you looked at him. I’m supposed to believe that you want only me. I lied, Emma. I can’t be with you. Not anymore,” he says shaking his head.

“What are you talking about? I don’t want him, Aiden. Why would you even think that? I barely know him. We’ve seen each other
twice
,” I say frustrated.

“It took me one second of seeing you to know that I wanted you! That’s not a good enough reason. It doesn’t matter anymore, Emma. Nothing matters anymore,” he says walking towards the door.

I want to yell at him, reminding him that he didn’t want me when we met. His recollection of our introduction is a little different than mine.

I grind my teeth together, angry at him and myself for being so vulnerable with him. He pretty much told me to jump and I did. He made me look like a fool. A pathetic and
insatiable fool.

I feel the anger bubbling up from within me. I know that I will say something I will regret. Something that may never be unsaid.

“I liked that
Colin touched me, that he held me in his arms. Is that what you want to hear? That I would rather let a near stranger touch me than you? Fine. You wanted the truth, there it is, Aiden. I’m tired of living in this fucking house with you. I’m tired of just being near you! Tomorrow, I’m calling Colin and having him arrange a place for me to stay. I can’t imagine anything worse than living in this hell. After tomorrow, I don’t ever want to see you again!” I yell at him, my body shaking with pain.

He nods his head at me jerkily.

“You won’t have to. After tomorrow, you won’t ever have to see me again,” he says, his voice nearly hoarse now.

Before I can retract everything I just told him, he leaves the room, the emptiness quickly closing in around me. I bury my head in the sheet in front of me, crying into the soft fabric.

God, why did I have to be so cruel? He may have hurt me but what I told him was horrible. Even if he were to forgive me for my harsh words, they can never be forgotten.

I fall back onto the bed, tears slowly running down my face. I close my eyes, trying to figure out how to make this right.
I realize that I have to tell Aiden everything. I have to tell him how I feel about him, how I’ve always felt about him. I just need to finally put everything on the table and let him decide if we’re worth fighting for.

Before I can muster up the courage to go and talk to him, my body starts to feel heavy, the multiple crying sessions finally catching up with me. I breathe out loudly, the darkness closing in around me, taking me farther and farther
away from Aiden

             
I wake up disoriented, a sense of unease making me gasp for air. I don’t know how long I feel asleep for but I do know that it is still nighttime, the room shrouded in darkness.
I feel chills break out across my skin, my stomach filled with returning regret. I have a feeling that something is terribly wrong. Is it just my guilty conscience or something more? I need to see Aiden right now and make this right. I have to tell him I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done. This entire thing has gotten way out of hand. I realize that my words really did the damage they were meant to do and I’m sick to my stomach over it.

             
I ungraciously get out of bed, putting on my earlier discarded clothing. I walk out of my room and push open the door to Aiden’s, which I find empty. Where the fuck could he be?

I see a light being
turned on in his bathroom and I sigh with relief.

             
“Aiden, I need to talk to you,” I say through the door.

             
“Emma, we have nothing to talk about. Go back to bed,” he says, his voice sharp.

             
“No, it’s important. Please let me in,” I beg, shocked by his tone.

             
Something is just not right here. Before I can pound my fist on the door to get his attention, it’s whipped open, the light blinding me. I see Aiden standing in the doorway with his shirt off, tattoos littering his body. I see a new one across his chest and I gasp in astonishment.

             
My Love, My Emma
is in eloquent lettering near his heart. He sees my gaze and flinches by my discovery. I look into his eyes and see how truly bloodshot and distraught they are. This isn’t Aiden, not
my
Aiden. This looks like the old Aiden, the one he warned me about. What have I done to him? He looks like he’s given up on not only me but himself.

             
I look downwards and see blood dripping on the bathroom floor behind him. His left arm is out of view, shielded behind his back.

             
“Aiden, show me your arm,” I demand shakily.

             
“Emma, don’t,” he murmurs.

             
“Show me your fucking arm now!” I yell at him.

             
I feel my eyes start to water, knowing exactly what I’ll see when he reveals his arm. He reluctantly places his arm out in front of him and I notice his missing prosthesis.

             
“Turn your arm over,” I say, my voice quivering in fear.

             
He sighs sharply but complies. What I see turns my skin ice cold, my insides frozen.

             
I see a vertical cut on his wrist, right above his missing hand. It doesn’t look too deep but is bleeding profusely. I shiver, the vision a difficult one to take in.

             
“Why?” I cry out.

             
“I decided to stop being such a pussy and just do it. If only my old man could see me now,” he says emotionless.

Oh my God, I can’t believe he just said that! How can he think that this is okay? I’ve been so wrapped up in my own pain, that I never even noticed his. I just added to his if anything. I’m the one practically slitting his wrists for him. I know my behavior triggered the cutting and I have to end this now. I’m going to do what I should have done a long time ago. I just hope it will be enough.

             
I reach around him, grabbing a towel from the rack. As I do, I see the sharp razor blade next to the toilet. What would have happened had I not found him? I shudder unconsciously.

             
You know exactly what would have happened and it would have been all your fault, Emma.

             
I grab the towel and press it against his skin, trying to lull the heavy bleeding. I look into his eyes and see the lifeless version of himself looking back at me, the empty shell of a man. He doesn’t seem embarrassed or ashamed, just numb to the entire situation.

             
My eyes become moist, as I try to keep pressure applied to the wound. My hand starts to shake, as a loud cry breaks free from me. One of pain and guilt, a sound that I couldn’t keep bottled up any longer.

I see Aiden through my tears
and he looks slightly bothered by them. Not overly so, but enough for me to see a reaction in them. I feel him wipe away my descending tears with his other hand, as I push my face into his coarse palm.

             
“Don’t cry for me, Emma. It’ll be better this way. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend that I’m worthy of love because I’m not. You need a real man to be there for you, to protect you. A man that won’t fail the way I did. Maybe Colin is that man,” he says softly.

             
I shake my head, pressing my free palm against his knuckles. No, I will not let him think this way. I will not ruin one second more of our lives being a coward.

             
“There is no one more worthy of love than you, Aiden. Anybody who has the chance to get to know you would fall in love with you. You’re the man you’re supposed to be. Who took care of me when I cursed them out every chance I got? You, Aiden. Don’t you get it?  I never knew what I was missing until I met you. I hated you for that but not anymore. I’ve been lying to you all along. I’ve been lying since we met, Aiden,” I say through tears.

             
He looks at me puzzled. It’s now or never, Emma. You’re ready now. It took you long enough but you’re ready.

             
“Hate is a very strong emotion. You can only hate someone if you love them,” I say pausing.

             
He looks at me confused, unbelieving.

             
“The moment I saw you I loved you. You were what I was missing. You were the other part that I never knew I needed. I should’ve told you much earlier than this moment but I was scared,” I murmur.

             
“Say it again,” he breathes out, his face changing.

             
I look at him confused.

             
“Tell me you love me. Make me believe what I don’t,” he says breathing harshly.

             
“I love you, Aiden. Always have, always will. You’ve had my heart from the very beginning and I’m not taking it back. I don’t deserve yours but you deserve mine. If you’ll let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I won’t ever lie or make you feel unloved again. Forgive me, Aiden,” I say brokenly.

             
I feel the towel drop from my hand, as he wraps me in an embrace. I sob into his chest, the feel of his body like a warm blanket shrouding me. I’ve been so cold for so long. It’s nice to feel the sun again.

             
“I’m sorry. So sorry,” I sob over and over again.

             
“Shhh, baby. Don’t cry. You have me, Emma. I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me, whether you like it or not. I told you if you fought me, I’d catch you. I may have given up for a little while but I’m back. You have no idea what that felt like, you telling me you loved me. The only person who ever said that was my mom. I guess you stop hearing the words, you stop believing them.  I have no idea why you love me but I believe you. I believe you,” he says.

             
“I could ask the same thing of you,” I murmur.

             
“Sometimes we hurt the ones we love most. Almost as if we’re testing them. Well, baby, you’ve tested me and I will love you no matter what. Fuck, you could have held the razor against my skin if you wanted to. I still would’ve loved you until my very last breath,” he murmurs.

             
“Don’t ever hurt yourself again, Aiden. Seeing you like that nearly killed me,” I whisper.

             
“I know, I’m sorry, Emma. I just wanted all of the anger, all of the pain to go away. I thought you would be better off without me. I thought you wanted me gone.”

             
“Never! If you go, I go. Try that shit again and
I’m
coming after you, Aiden. I won’t be somewhere you’re not,” I say truthfully.

             
“Like Romeo and Juliet, Emma?” he murmurs.

             
I look up at him, as he continues to dry my eyes with his hand.

             
“You want the truth? Yeah, I guess so. If you’re not in my life, I’m only half a person. What I feel for you is probably unhealthy and unnatural, but I really don’t give a fuck. I know how I feel with or without you and I’m not going through life without you, not again,” I say seriously.

             
“No more talking, baby. We’ll finish that later,” he says kissing my forehead.

             
He lowers his mouth towards mine, gently pressing his lips to my dry ones. It feels like coming home.

I wrap my arms around his
neck, wincing slightly from the discomfort in my ribs. He pulls away, looking down at me in apparent concern.

             
“Did I hurt you, baby?” he whispers.

             
“No, Aiden. My ribs are just sore from earlier, I think. I’m not used to this,” I whisper.

             
He nods at my explanation, a hungry look appearing on his face.

             
“I’ll be gentle with you, I promise. I guess I will have to make up for earlier, won’t I?” he murmurs.

             
I look at him shyly, wanting him with everything in me. I frown slightly, looking down at his wrist. How can I even think about sex at a time like this?

             
“Aiden, your wrist…” I say sadly.

             
“Baby, thank you for caring but I’m fine. It’s not deep. I can put a bandage on it if it makes you feel better,” he says looking down at me.

             
“Please. I just want you to be okay,” I say.

             
I see him go into his medicine cabinet, grabbing ointment and a bandage. He struggles to put it on and I go over to him, talking his place as an impromptu nurse.

             
I look down at his wrist and lean down to kiss it before fully wrapping it. I hear him exhale softly, probably uncomfortable from the tender skin.

             
“How would you feel if I cut myself, Aiden?” I ask him as I finish bandaging.

             
“I couldn’t handle it. I could barely look at you after the…attack,” he chokes out.

             
I frown, looking down, still realizing that my scars bother him.

             
“Look at me,” he says deeply, lifting my chin up so that I can see him fully.

             
“You never asked why I could barely look at you. It’s probably not the reason you think, Emma,” he says. “Do you remember what you told me when I showed you my scars?” he ask me.

             
Of course I do. I remember every word. I said that he didn’t disgust me at all. I hurt for him and was disgusted that his father could do such thing to an innocent child.

             
“Seeing your face like that…it was a reminder that
I
was the one that didn’t protect you. I can’t even imagine what you went through when they…did what they did. You told me that my scars made me even more beautiful in your eyes. That’s what yours do to me. Your beauty, your pain, its right here,” he says, tracing the tarnished skin on my face. “Some people can hide their scars but yours are visible to everyone. You didn’t want to hide them, Emma. You practically told the doctor to go fuck himself when he said he could help you fix it. You are so brave, baby,” he whispers.

             
“I thought I kept the scars and didn’t treat them because I wanted to be punished for losing the baby. But I was wrong. I think deep down I realized that I wanted to be like you, Aiden. I didn’t want to get off so easily. I wanted the cuts to remind me of the pain,
your
pain. It wouldn’t be fair for you to have them and me not to. You can hide them but you couldn’t fix yours, so why should I?” I reply.

             
“Do you know how amazing and selfless that is, Emma?” he says astounded. “What I need is you, right here, right now. We can worry about everything else later. Just for now, let me be with you, Emma. Let me make love to you. It’s been too long, baby,” he murmurs.

             
He’s right. I all I need is him. I don’t want to worry about anything. I want it to be like it used to be between us, what it should have been these past months. All before I let my anger shroud me. I thought I was unfixable but that’s not the issue. I may be damaged, irreparable, but that’s life. You have learn to make do with what you have.

I realize now why
Aiden and I fit so well together. We live each day with our demons. We just have to remember to never give up and keep fighting.

“I want that more than anything, Aiden. I need to feel close to you again
. As close as possible,” I say.

He nods at me, grabbing my ha
nd in his as he guides me towards his bed. He sits down on the mattress, as I find myself positioned in-between his legs.

“It was hell, pure hell sleeping in this bed, knowing you were just across the house. You have no idea how many times I wanted to rip your door off its hinges and dive into the
mattress next to you, making you mine again. The only thing stopping me was your healing. I knew I couldn’t be forceful with you, baby. I would picture you in the hospital and it would stop me. Fuck, last night was the last night you’re sleeping alone. Every night we’ll fall asleep together and every morning we’ll wake up together. Too much time has been spent apart. Come here, Emma,” he says deeply, coaxing me even closer to him.

I run my hands up his warm chest,
memorizing every patch of inked flesh. I move my hand up towards the back of his neck, gently massaging the skin beneath my fingertips. He moans loudly, obviously pleased by the attention he’s getting. I move my fingers farther up, raking my nails lightly across his scalp. Thankfully my hand has already healed, leaving a few of my fingers only somewhat crooked from being broken.

I press my chest into his face
, as he deeply inhales my scent. He moves to his knees on the floor, his mouth stopping directly at my stomach. I’m covered by a t-shirt but it feels as if his breath is directly on me, stroking my skin. He takes the bottom of my shirt, raising it up so it’s directly under my breasts.

His jaw moves across
my belly button, as I grip his hair in my hand. He starts gently kissing my stomach, each caress so profound and calculated. I look down at him and notice moisture in his eyes as he looks up at me from his position.

“You gave me something so beautiful, Emm
a. It was taken away so quickly but loved so fully,” he pronounces with emotion.

My eyes start to water again, hurt and pleased by his words.
It’s painful to remember the life that was inside of me but good to acknowledge what was.

“Don’t cry, Emma. Just love me and l
et me love you in return,” he whispers across my stomach.

I release his hair, m
aking my way down to the floor in front of him. My knees finally hit the ground, as I look up towards him from my position. I grab his waist with my palms, gripping him as if my life depended on it. We’re equal now, just as we’ve always been.

He brushes my bangs out of my eyes,
his thumb touching my scarred eyebrow. I extend my neck towards him, pressing my lips firmly against his firm, moist ones. He moves his lips across my face, kissing every crevice and flaw. I move my hand up back towards his chest, tracing the new tattoo with my fingertips. I feel proud and honored that my name brands his skin.

“Do you like it?” he whispers in-between kisses.