Fighting Ever After (Ever After #3) (32 page)

“Kyden it’s
okay. I’m the one who wants to talk. Can you please just wait outside the door
for a minute?”

I hated
agreeing, but I could tell it was really what she wanted, so I did, but I made
it clear that I wouldn’t be far, right outside the door in fact, if she needed
me. It was the longest ten minutes of my life before Jack Malloy shoved his way
out of the room and briskly strode down the hall and out of sight. I wasted no time
in going back inside to Jax. She wore an almost blank look and that worried me
more than if she had been crying again. Whatever he’d said to her had obviously
left her reeling.

“Do you want
to talk about it?”

There was
very little emotion in her brief recap of their conversation, almost like she
was just a recording playing it back. I could tell she was struggling to
process and really I couldn’t blame her. He wasn’t even my father and I was
having a hard time with everything she said. I guess in a way I sort of
understood
Jax’s
dad now, or at least his reasons
behind everything. It didn’t excuse them, but I could relate to being afraid of
handing over that control and power when you truly cared about someone. Making
yourself vulnerable was a risk. One that he hadn’t been willing to take, and
instead, chose a much darker path. There was also something slightly redeeming
about his attempt to protect Jax and her mom by letting them go, even if it
backfired later. His pushing her away and keeping her at a distance had led to
the very thing he’d feared from the beginning. Over time his fear had turned
him into a monster, no matter what his intentions had been in the beginning.
You know what they say about intentions, and he’d certainly paved his way to
hell.

He’d done
more wrong than just about anyone out there, not just where Jax was concerned,
but I still couldn’t decide if he’d been right or not to give up
Jax’s
mom. A different choice might have changed
everything, but then again, maybe not. Maybe it was inevitable.

By the time
I got Jaxyn back home, she was utterly depleted. We’d brought Lucy and Izzy
back with us so they wouldn’t have to go anywhere alone. Jax helped them get
settled into Chris’ room, which he was once again giving up, and then joined me
in my room. She shut the door behind her, closing her eyes as she tipped her
head back to rest against the door. She sucked in a deep breath and blew it
back out, the weariness evident in her features. I sat on the bed with my back
against the headboard and scooted over to make room for her to join me. She
reopened her eyes and pushed off the door, coming to climb in beside me. She
lay curled on her side, facing me. I slid down so that I was stretched out on
my side, facing her as well. I took her hand in mine and gently rubbed her
wrist with my thumb in an attempt to soother her.

“How are you
feeling? I know today has been a lot for you to take in.”

 “I
don’t know. I’m not sure what I should be feeling,” she paused, her eyes
dropping to stare at our joined hands. For a minute I wasn’t sure if she was
going to say anything else, but then her chin lifted and she looked back up at
me. “I was so unwilling to consider that Connor could be going behind my
father’s back. I just wanted to hate him so badly. It made it easier to accept
the disappointment. Now I don’t know whether I still hate him, or if this
changes anything. Regardless, he’s still a terrible father and I just don’t
know if I can let that go. I still hold him responsible for Connor.”

Everything
she was feeling was understandable. She’d had so much dumped on her today and
not the kind of stuff that could just be sorted through in a few hours. “I
think you’re entitled to feel however you want, and you don’t have to figure
any of it out tonight. You’ve gone through so much in such a short time. It’s
going to take time,” I told her. I didn’t have any of the answers she was
looking for, she had to find those on her own, but I would do my best to help
her work through this. “I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, and
I won’t try to tell you how to feel about your father. If you never want to
forgive him, I’d understand.”

“I think I
need to though, like I won’t ever move past that pain if I don’t. I have this
new understanding of him, and he’s not a good man, but maybe he’s not evil. I
don’t know,” she sighed in frustration. “Even if he wasn’t behind what happened
to me, there’s no excuse for some of the things he has done, but I really don’t
know him. I don’t know what his life was like, but I know it couldn’t have been
good or easy, for him to end up where he did. I think I believe him when he
says he loved my Mom, and that he left her for her own good, and as much as I
can’t stand how he hurt her, I have to thank him for letting her go. That was
actually pretty selfless.” She laughed darkly, “I never thought I would be able
to use that word to describe him, and now he’s willing to let me walk away too.
The thought of finally being free and not having to worry about when and how
he’s going to screw with my life, not having to be afraid of Connor anymore, is
a relief. Is it wrong that my whole life I just wanted my father to care, and
now that I found out that he does, sort of, I just want him out of my life?”

“I’m the
last person to ask that. I don’t have a healthy or functional relationship with
my parents, but I think anyone in your place would feel the same way.”
Forgiving our parents for their sins wasn’t easy. They were supposed to be the
people we could count on the most, so when they let us down, it was hard to
ever truly get past that.

We were both
quiet for a while, and I knew that like every time I mentioned my family, she
wanted to ask questions, but she held back. Maybe it was time I told her more
about them and why our relationship was so strained. There were a lot of things
I wasn’t ready to get into, and it just wasn’t the right time on top of
everything else she’d dealt with, but I was ready to share some of it. Before I
could tell her that it was okay to talk about my parents, that I wouldn’t bite
her head off, she caught me off guard with another question. One I wasn’t
prepared for.

 “Do
you still play the violin?” She asked innocently. “I think I’d like to hear you
play it someday.”

It felt like
forever before I could do anything besides stare back at her in, I don’t know –
shock, horror, or something akin to that. My mind was flooding with images and
thoughts of the past. I knew my reaction was startling to her. Her face
scrunched up in confusion. I pulled my hand out of hers and started to sit up,
trying to come up with something to say that would make everything right again.
It was too late for me to make up an excuse or pass off the question, my reaction
had taken care of that. I needed more time to think.

 “Why
would you ask that?” I said carefully.

“I don’t
know. You have a keyboard and all these guitars, and you said before that you
played the violin as well, but you don’t have one. Is it because your mom
forced you to play?” She didn’t see the big deal in her curiosity. How could
she? It shouldn’t have made me panic, but it did and she’d witnessed it.

“Just drop
it okay,” I bit out, hoping my harsh tone would convince her not to push the
subject.

“I don’t
understand what I’m supposed to be dropping. I don’t understand why it made you
upset. Just explain to me what I said wrong.” She hadn’t said anything wrong.
It was all me that was wrong, but I couldn’t tell her that, instead I lashed
out at her, not even sure why.

“I said
fucking drop it. I don’t want to talk about it.” Shit, I shouldn’t have cursed
at her.

She flinched
and it stabbed at my chest. “Okay. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to pry, and I’ll
let it go, but you know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
Except I couldn’t.
I couldn’t bring myself to say the words
that would explain all of this. It was like they were frozen on my lips and
instead, nothing but resentment spilled out.

“No. I
can’t,” I spit out between clenched teeth, unable to even meet her eyes because
of the guilt I felt. I’d known all along that eventually my past would come
up,
that she’d stop excusing my defensiveness and giving me
outs, demanding to know why I bottled it all up, but it had only been a
weekend.
A great weekend, but still just a couple of days,
followed by an insane Monday.
My head wasn’t in the right place to deal
with this rationally, but I needed to calm down. This wasn’t her fault. I was
overreacting.

“
Ky
, look at me, please.” Her desperation was enough that I
couldn’t refuse her. “I’m here and you can talk to me, about anything.” And
then she said the one thing that ruined everything. “I love you.”

I love
you.

I love
you.

No.

I jerked
away from her and the words she’d said. “No. Don’t say that,” I demanded
angrily. “You don’t mean it.” She couldn’t and she shouldn’t. I didn’t deserve
it and it wasn’t fair to her to let her think that she did love me.

“I do. You
don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to know. You can trust me. I want
you to be able to talk to me,” she was begging me to let her in and it only
made me feel worse. I couldn’t let it go on. I cared about her too much, but I
wasn’t sure that I’d ever be able to love her the way she needed me to. I
couldn’t give it back to her; whatever love I had was weak and defective. It
paled in comparison to what I saw shining in her eyes. I’d thought with enough
time I could try, but knowing that we didn’t even have that time, that in just
two weeks I was going to say goodbye, changed that. Besides, if she knew about
Elaina and how much bitterness and anger still ate at me, she would realize her
love was naïve. She would either pity me or try to save me, probably both and I
didn’t need that. Not from her or anyone.

“You’re not
listening to me. I. Don’t.
Fucking.
Want to
talk. 
About anything with you.”
My words hit her
like a slap to the face and I sprang up from the bed, needing to get away from
her and the pain I was inflicting on both of us. I stormed out of the room,
pulling the door closed none too gently behind me.

Chris, Ace
and Spade were on the couch, their heads turned in my direction, worry apparent
on each of their faces. I didn’t give them a chance to play a round of, “what
happened?” or “is everything okay?” Things were most certainly not okay and I
just wanted to get out of here. I was out of the house and on my bike before I
had to hear any of it. I just needed some time to clear my head and figure out
what to do.

Unfortunately,
time didn’t help. I drove around the city for an hour, telling myself I
overreacted and to go back, but I kept driving. I was at a stoplight when I
felt the vibration of my phone ringing in my pocket. It was her and until I
knew what I could say to make any of this better, I didn’t want to talk to her.
I rejected the call and looked round at the empty streets.

Fuck
this.

I ran the
red light and kept going.

Knowing she
was sitting back there, confused, possibly angry and probably blaming
herself
made it worse. Three days was all it had taken for
me to screw up, to yell at her and run when it got complicated because it was
easier than being honest. How many times could I crawl back to her after making
a complete ass out of myself, begging for forgiveness and more chances?

The answer
to that was no more. I couldn’t keep doing it to her. I knew if I gave her the
truth, told her about Elaina and why I don’t like talking about it, she would
understand, but I didn’t want understanding. I wanted her to throw a damn
fit,
maybe throw a shoe at my head and tell me what a
selfish prick I was and that she doesn’t need my shit. I could deal with that,
hell, I’d dealt with it before, countless times, and at that point it was easy
to walk away, to say goodbye and point them toward the door.

Jaxyn
wouldn’t do that though. She would tell me that
she
was sorry, that it
must have been so awful to go through what I did and that she was here for me.
She would probably fucking hug me.
How twisted was that? I
did everything wrong and she would try to comfort me and make it okay.

No. I don’t
think so. Not happening, but for all I knew Chris and the rest of them were
already giving her every little dirty detail of my history. I still wasn’t sure
my drunken confessional night had been such a good idea, but I couldn’t take it
back. They knew, about all of it. My shitty parents, the heartless bitch
Elaina, and I just had to hope they wouldn’t break my trust. If and when I
decided Jax should know, I wanted to be the one to talk to her about it,
control how she heard about it. I knew the conclusions Jax would jump to, hell
some of the guys had jumped to them too, and more than anything I hated that
word
victim.
I wasn’t one.

Eventually I
had to stop driving around in circles and figure out what to do. My phone had
been vibrating with texts since Jax called. I hadn’t checked any of them, but
they would only keep coming. The problem with living with all my best
friends,
was that it meant I couldn’t go crash with any
them, and the only other person I would go to, was the girl I was
avoiding’s
best friend. The only thing waiting for me at
his place was probably a right hook. I was about ten minutes from my buddy
Mick’s place and it held the appeal of not being my place and he wasn’t likely
to hit me, no matter how much I deserved it.

I ignored
all the unread texts when I stopped my bike and called Mick to let him know I
was outside his place. There were no questions when he let me in and threw a
pillow and a blanket down on the couch for me. It was apparent from his lack of
clothing, except for a pair of
boxers, that
he’d
already been in bed. From the soft feminine voice calling out his name, it
seemed he had a girl waiting for him in there. His at least knew he would be
right back. He hadn’t just walked out of the house and left her in there.

My guilt
finally led me to pull my phone back out of my pocket and check the messages.
None were from her though. They were all from the guys and they all pretty much
said the same shit.

10:51
Where
the hell are you?

10:59
Why
did you take off?

11:06
What
the hell is going on man?

11:47
Look I get it, we talked to Jax. Just come back here and talk to her.

11:55
You’re
an ass.

11:58
You’re
a giant fucking ass.

12:06
What
are we supposed to say to her?

If I knew
that, I wouldn’t have left in the first place. I typed out a response to Ace’s
last message.

12:23 I’m
crashing at Mick’s. I know I fucked up, but I don’t think I can do this. I need
time.

His reply
was almost instant.

12:24 How
much time?