Fighting Ever After (Ever After #3) (35 page)

It should
have been the thrill of a lifetime, and in a lot of ways it still was. I loved
my music and no one could take that. It had always been the constant in my
life, and I loved these guys. Even when they were pissed at me, even when I had
to see their disappointment and frustration each night when they spoke to Jax
on the phone and tried to get me to talk to her, even then I knew they had my
back and that we were in this together. The whole world was at our feet, but
what did that mean really, without the person I wanted to share it with?

The
backstage, behind the scenes part of life on the road was even wilder.
Musicians liked to party, or at least the ones we were traveling with did. It
wasn’t sex and drugs all the time, but pretty close. I never saw any drugs,
except maybe a few joints, but the drinking and the staying up all night and
sleeping through the day was definitely a part of it.
And the
girls.
There were a lot of them. Not to mention that Hollow Crossing had
been signed onto the tour as well, which meant Kaylie was around all the time.

The first
few nights I hung around, taking it all in and getting to know John and the
guys from Expelling Shadows, but it got old real fast. I spent more time on the
bus by myself, playing on the x-box or working on lyrics, sometimes just
writing to get the shit going through my head out and down on paper even if I
never intended to turn it into anything. I finally pulled out the song I’d been
writing for Jax and finished it. Until then, I hadn’t ever been able to get
past the first few verses. Nothing I’d written had felt right. It took
realizing a few things before I could get the end.

Every single
day Ace tried to talk sense into me. The guys weren’t stupid. They knew I
missed her, they knew that losing her was a million times worse than losing
Elaina, because nothing with Jax had been a lie. It was all real. No matter how
many times one of them held that phone out to me as they passed it around,
filling her in on our latest
adventures,
I couldn’t
bring myself to take it. Hearing her voice would have been too much, but that
didn’t mean I didn’t live for those calls, prying them for every bit of
information I could when they were over. We all still worried about Connor even
though her dad was supposed to be taking care of him. There never seemed to be
any news on him. Everyone believed he’d taken off and gotten out of Boston once
he found out Jack was out for blood. Every day I hoped Jack found him.

Just like
that, the first month was gone.

The second
month was just as hectic, but we’d settled in to a routine, or as much of one
as we could
being
in a different city almost every
night. There were radio interviews and photo shoots along the way. We even had
studio time set up in other cities, and ever since Kaylie had surprised me by
calling me out for a duet in front of a packed amphitheater, everyone was
speculating that we were a couple. As hard as I was trying to dispel those
rumors, Kaylie was doing everything she could to encourage them, saying it made
for good publicity. Some of the guys from the label and our agent agreed, but I
told them all in no uncertain terms to ‘fuck off.” I wanted nothing to do with
her. It wasn’t that I gave a shit about rumors or what anyone else thought, but
I’d overheard Ace on the phone one night trying to reassure Jax that I wasn’t
hooking up with Kaylie again. The idea that her stupid move had hurt
Jax,
pissed me off. I didn’t even speak with her. I did my
best just to avoid her altogether.  I would be glad when they were gone.
It had been made official that Ashes and Embers was staying on for the entire
tour, but Hollow Crossing was leaving after the East Coast leg was done.

  We
only had a few shows left before our first break in the tour. The last stop on
the East coast was a concert at home in Massachusetts next weekend. Since we
had kicked off in North Carolina we hadn’t had more than a couple days off in a
row, but we’d have ten days to recharge before heading for the West Coast. Ace,
Spade, Chris and even Danny who had hopped on the tour as our official
photographer, were practically counting down the days. They were all spending
the time off in Boston. I wouldn’t be going back. The night of the show, I had
a red eye out to Arizona.

The guys
from Expelling Shadows were from Phoenix and their drummer, Max, had invited me
to stay with him. We’d become pretty tight over the last two months. He was a
little more chill and down to earth than his band mates. A lot of the nights
they all spent
partying
it up, Max and I spent
chilling on one of our busses, playing video games of just talking about shit.
He had a girl back home that he was missing, and eventually I told him about
Jax. He’d picked up on my anxiety as it got closer to our show in
Massachusetts. I knew most of our friends were coming out for that and that Ace
had sent a ticket for her.

It turned
out I didn’t have to worry though, because she didn’t come. Like a fool, I’d
hopefully looked for her in the audience, spotting Bas and Lissa, even Marcus
and
Vi
were there, but no Jax. I hadn’t even realized
how much I’d been hoping for just a glimpse of her until I felt that
disappointment.

Ten days
away from here, away from it all, was exactly what I needed.

“How was
she?” That was the first thing I asked Ace when he and the rest of the guys
arrived in Phoenix to meet up before the tour started again.

“Her hair is
fucking black,” Spade answered for him. “How do you think she’s doing?”

“It’s not
black. It’s just dark purple and blue,” Ace insisted.

Spade tossed
his bag down on the floor in Max’s pool house, where I’d been living the past
seven days. He threw himself down on the couch. “Well it might as well be black.
It’s depressing and it’s not right. She’s not even fucking Rainbow anymore.
What am I supposed to do, call her Jax?”

“That is her
name,” I mumbled, having a hard time even picturing her with dark hair. Every
image I tried to conjure, just felt off. She was my bright, colorful girl.
Spade was right, the dark hair wasn’t her. I didn’t have to see it to know it.

“
Soo
, Bas finally popped the question to Lissa,” Chris
effectively changed the subject.

“No shit?
Well good for him.” I really meant it too, which was somewhat surprising. I was
usually more
of a condolences
than congratulations
kind of guy about marriage. I guess now I saw the appeal of spending your life
with one person, if that person was the right person.

“Yeah, you
actually going to show up at the wedding this summer, or avoid that too?” Ace
shot back.

“Fuck you.”
I threw my empty soda can at him. “If you let her go would you want to have to
see her and be reminded of what a colossal mistake you made?”

He just
batted it away. “I wouldn’t have let her go, but even if I had, as soon as I
realized I made a mistake, I would have done everything I could to fix it.”

“There’s no
fixing this one, especially not from the road.”

“Well, I
think you’re wrong, which is why I invited her to go to Europe with us over the
New Year,” he said matter of factly.

“You invited
her,” I repeated slowly, “to Europe with us.”

“That’s what
he said genius. You got any food in here?” Spade hopped up and started
rummaging through the small kitchen area.

I ignored
him, intent on finding out more from Ace. “So, is she coming?” I tried to make
my question casual, but no one was fooled. It was like my life depended on his
answer.

“I don’t
know. She’s going to think about it.”

“Oh.” Of
course she wouldn’t be jumping up and down in excitement, eager to spend a week
stuck in a foreign country with me. I realized I shouldn’t count on her coming,
but Ace wouldn’t let it go so easily. Almost every day over the next month and
a half, he tried to convince her to change her mind. He looked up different
sights and attractions all over Europe and texted them to her.

She once
told me that she’d always wanted to travel to Italy and Greece, and the art
junkie in her was dying to visit the Louvre and other places. Someday I hoped
she would get to take those trips. I only wished I could be there to see her
reaction the first time she laid eyes on the
Mona Lisa
and the Sistine
Chapel. I wish I could be the one to kiss her beneath the Eiffel Tower, and toss
pennies into the
Trevi
Fountain with her.

One day Ace
was complaining about how he was running out of ideas because he’d used all the
popular attractions already.

“Casa de
Giulietta
,” I told him.

“What?” He
looked at me confused.

“Casa de
Giulietta
,” I repeated. “It’s the home of Juliet from Romeo
and Juliet. It’s in Verona, Italy. Jax saw it in a movie and has wanted to see
it ever since.”

“Oh, awesome.
I’ll look that up.” He pulled out his phone and
started searching. “What else you got for me?”

I sighed,
“She’s obsessed with the Sistine Chapel, wants to get a mural replica of the
ceiling for her bedroom. Gondola
rides,
and it has to
be with one of those Italian guys in the striped shirt, preferably with a
mustache.” His eyebrows
raised
. “Don’t ask me,” I just
shrugged. “She also wants to visit Saint-
Rémy
-de-Provence.”

“Where’s
that?” He appeared to be taking notes on all of this.

“It’s the
place from Starry Night, you know, the Van Gogh painting.”

“Oh yeah.
What else?”

“
Père
Lachaise Cemetery.”

“
Wait,
hold on, she wants to see a cemetery?”

“I guess
there are a bunch of famous people buried there. Jim Morrison is buried there.”
I told him.

“Oh, I guess
that’s kind of cool.”

I continued
to tell him everything I could think of, every place she’d ever mentioned
wanting to see, and when he was done copying them all down, he looked up at me.
“You should be the one trying to talk her into coming. You should be the one
showing her these things.”

“I don’t
deserve to.”

He didn’t bring
it up again, but I knew he was still texting her almost every day, but he never
mentioned her caving, so I figured it wasn’t working. It was a long shot
anyway.

Thanksgiving
came and went as we checked off Texas, Nevada, California and Arizona. I couldn’t
say I missed having to sit through Thanksgiving dinner at my parents’ house.
They were pissed that I wasn’t going home for it, but I don’t think a week had
gone by where I didn’t get at least one angry phone call and several negative
texts from my mom about this whole tour thing. I think mostly she was pissed
off that I’d made it – against their wishes and without their help.

Instead we
all spent Thanksgiving in Northern California with Mateo’s Mom and stepdad. As
the lead singer for Expelling Shadows he’d put his mom up in a nice mini
mansion and she welcomed all of us into her home. It was a different kind of
Thanksgiving, very Hispanic, but the food was delicious and his family was
cool. It was the closest thing to a normal holiday I’d ever experienced. That
same night though, we had to make the drive to Portland.

I’d never
been to Oregon, but I felt familiar with the city after hearing Jax talk about
her time here. We had the entire next afternoon to explore the city and there
was a lot to see. With every little coffee shop we passed, I wondered if that
was
her
coffee shop. When we walked past a huge library, I could picture
her going in and coming out with a backpack full of books. I even found the
gallery she’d worked at and spent a long time wandering through there. I don’t
know why. Art isn’t my thing and chances are everything was different from when
she worked there, but it still helped me feel like I was close to her. She’d
called this place home for almost two years and it was easy to see why she’d
liked it. It was an interesting, colorful place – a lot like her. We didn’t get
to stick around long though. More cities to see and shows to play as this part
of the tour wound to an end. Thirty-two shows down, four to go.
Seattle, then on to Canada before heading overseas.

Every day
our popularity grew. More and more singles were being downloaded on
itunes
and other online music sources. Our songs were being
played on radio stations everywhere we went and there were people showing up to
the concerts in our t-shirts.

Sometime
around mid December my Mom’s tune suddenly changed and she actually called to
ask me to play a benefit concert for some event my dad was hosting. I hung up
on her. She didn’t appreciate that.

The night
before our final show in Edmonton, Canada, the guys had gone out to celebrate
the success of the tour. I had declined to go with them, which had pretty much
become the norm. It wasn’t even that I sat around moping, but that party life –
the drinking and going out and flirting – none of it interested me anymore. Max
was with them though. I’d stayed behind in our suite, and I did something I
hadn’t let myself do in a while. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through
pictures. I’d taken a lot over the course of the tour, but those weren’t the
ones I wanted to see.

There was a
time when my phone used to be filled with pictures of girls. Some still sent
them, but I never saved them anymore. I didn’t even open them. There were
pictures of a girl though.
Just one girl.
A picture of
her in the bikini I bought for her, smiling up from the pool. One she didn’t
know I’d taken of her on the boat. In fact, there were several pictures that
had been taken without her knowledge – her nose in a book, drawing in her
sketchpad, attempting to do yoga in my living room. Then there were my
favorites – the two of us curled up in my bed, her head on my chest, and her
sitting in my lap with my guitar across hers before I realized trying to teach
her to play was a lost cause.

I set my
phone down and reached for my guitar. I plucked a few chords, just messing
around, but pretty soon my fingers were moving on their own, and I realized
that subconsciously I’d started playing her song. My mind was already humming
the words, and by the time I put my voice behind them, I hadn’t realized that
someone had joined me in the suite and was at the cracked door, not only
listening to the whole thing, but recording it.

Hey little
girl

With the
ribbons in your hair

Your head
full of fairytale dreams

That the
world tried to take

I see the
tears you cry

Clinging for
dear life

To the
memory of an angel who went too soon

Left you all
alone in the dark

With nothing
but the sound of your breaking heart

Hey sweet
girl

With the
eyes that look like his

Your hopes
crashing down

Needing the
love he won’t give

I see the
tears you cry

You can’t
understand why

You try so
hard but it’s never enough

He left you
all alone in the dark

With nothing
but the sound of your breaking heart

Hey pretty
girl

With the
heart so afraid

You lie trembling
on the ground

Screaming in
vain

I see the
tears you cry

Praying into
the night

While your
soul bleeds out through the cuts he makes

Dragging you
all alone into the dark

With nothing
but the sound of your breaking heart

Hey broken
girl

With the
love so strong

It brings me
to my knees

While you’re
begging me not to leave

I see the
tears you cry

For the
truth I keep locked inside

The words I
won’t say

I left you
all alone in the dark

With nothing
but the sound of your breaking heart

I want to take
you in my arms and hold you tight

I’ll chase
away the terrors that haunt you in the night

I’ll watch
over you and keep you safe kissing all your fears away

I’ll wipe
the tears from your eyes and make you feel the things that I can’t say

I’ll show
you the truth that you can’t see

There will
never be anyone else

You own
every piece of me

Hey perfect
girl

Ripped apart
and shattered inside

Still
fighting for those fairytale dreams

You’re so
much more than the scars you hide

I see the
tears you cry

I wasn’t
strong enough to try

I left you
all alone even though I wanted to be

The one to
bring you out of the dark

If only I
could show you how you’ve healed my broken heart

The song
would never see the light of day. That was okay. It wasn’t written for anyone
but Jax. It was too personal and I couldn’t imagine sharing it with anyone
else. Even she would never hear it. I didn’t even know if she would like it.
Maybe she would hate it. Just about every girl I’d ever been with had asked me
to write her a song; it would figure that Jax would be the one not to want a
song written for or about her. I wondered how she would feel knowing that half
of our new songs were about her. Not all of them directly, but she’d been my
inspiration for a lot of them. I had to write honestly – what I was feeling –
and all I felt anymore was her.

I heard a
low voice in the other room. I hadn’t heard any of the guys come in. It kind of
sounded like Ace though. I didn’t want him to hear me playing, so I set the
guitar aside and walked over to my bed. It was nice on the nights we actually
stayed in hotels. It was much better than the bunks we had on the bus. I
flopped down on my stomach, my feet dangling off the end. I laid there for a
moment, regretting that the bedding had a fresh, clean soap smell, not the
citrusy and vanilla smell Jax always left behind. I rolled over on my back and
tried to focus more on what Ace was saying and who he was talking to. It only
took me a minute to figure out that he was on his phone. I couldn’t hear anything
he was saying, but after a minute his voice became more raised and agitated. I
sat up, but still couldn’t make out any actual words. That didn’t matter,
because not a minute later he shoved my door open, his eyes wide with panic and
. . . fuck, were those tears shining in them?