Fighting for Survival (The Estate, Book 3) (36 page)

She picked up another photo: another faded memory. Ruth was standing by the edge of the sea, her hand trying to keep her skirt from flailing around in the wind. She remembered how she and Glenn had walked hand in hand into the cold water, then ran out laughing as the waves took their breath away.

‘Glenn,’ she sobbed. How had she survived for so long when life wasn’t worth living without him? Gina was right when she’d told her she was bad through to her core. She grabbed a handful of tablets and washed them down quickly with vodka, coughing a few times in her haste.

‘Not long now, Glenn,’ she slurred. Her head touched the table and the glass fell from her hand. ‘Tired… Not long now.’

Gina left it until eight o’clock before she went around to Caren’s house. Claire hadn’t come home yet but Gina had a sneaky feeling where she might be.

‘Is she here?’ she asked Caren when she answered the door.

Caren nodded, pressed a finger to her lips and then beckoned her in. Gina followed her through to the living room. Claire was curled up asleep on the settee. Even closed, her eyes seemed swollen. She looked so young; so fragile.

‘They both told me how much better it was over here than at our house,’ said Gina sadly. ‘You made a real impression on them.’

‘Oh, please,’ Caren waved the comment away with her hand. ‘All teenagers think someone else’s mum is better than theirs.’

‘You
are
better than me, in every way.’

‘No, I’m not. I’ve made mistakes too. I just don’t go round broadcasting them to everyone.’

Gina tried to look offended but failed. She smiled shyly; she knew exactly what Caren meant. They went through to the kitchen and sat down at the table.

‘Can I ask you something?’ she started.

‘Sounds ominous,’ said Caren.

‘What do you see when you look at me?’

Caren stared at her. ‘Are you trying to trick me?’

‘No, I’d like to know.’

Caren paused for a moment. ‘Last month I would have said that I see someone in a loveless marriage, who’s under the thumb where her husband is concerned; who hasn’t got any control of her kids and who isn’t bothered how she looks or what anyone else thinks of her.’

‘Wow, don’t hold back.’ Gina almost grunted.

‘Like I said, a month ago I would have said all that. But now, you’re changing.’

‘
Changing
?’

‘Last month, you would have taken great pleasure in telling me what Pete had set up with Sam Harvey. But instead, you kept it to yourself rather than blurt it out.’

‘I used it to get even with him!’

‘Only because you’ve finally realised he’s a loser and that’s a massive step in the right direction.’

‘Watch it,’ she said. ‘I have a great upper cut.’ But Gina was smiling.

‘And you volunteered at The Workshop – now that I
am
impressed with.’

‘It was only a few hours… but I really did enjoy it. I enjoyed the days with the babies but really I loved hanging round with the kids. The ones in their early teens, you know, thirteen or fourteen.’

‘I think you should continue with it. They’ll listen to you. Maybe you can make a difference on the estate – especially now.’ Caren reached across the table and squeezed Gina’s hand. It took them both by surprise but none of them moved. ‘Through Rachel’s death, maybe you could talk to the kids about gangs and fighting and belonging. It all comes down to peer pressure to conform. Make them see there’s more to life.’

Gina didn’t know what to say.

‘I think it’s what you need right now,’ Caren continued. ‘I like Josie Mellor, she’s a good sort. I – I thought about offering to volunteer myself actually.’

‘You?’ Gina sat back in amazement.

‘Yes, I have some free time until I get my business up and running. Maybe I could help out.’

‘Well, I have to admit, you’ve changed too.’

‘I had to, being back on the estate.’

‘Was it tough, to lose your house like that?’

Caren sighed. ‘It was the worst thing that ever happened to us. But me and John got through it – it’s always a good sign if you can do that.’ She laughed and held up a hand. ‘And look what we got instead!’

‘Yeah, worn out flooring, chipped doors and damp patches.’

‘And nuisance neighbours.’

They smiled at one another.

‘How about letting me help you get through this?’ Caren suggested.

‘It’s worth a shot.’

‘How about me,’ Caren paused, ‘and Ruth?’

Gina sighed. ‘I can’t.’

‘It wasn’t her fault what happened with Pete.’

‘I know.’

‘But you blame her.’

‘I don’t really.’

‘So, help her. She’s grieving too.’

‘It’s not the same.’

‘Of course it’s not the same,’ said Caren. ‘But she has lost two children in a way. What she did was so brave, hoping to give her boys a decent chance somewhere else.’

‘But to give them to Children’s Services? That’s beyond cruel.’

‘Can’t you see, Gina? Imagine how low she must have felt to have no other choice than that. No one to talk to; no one to get her through it.’

Gina lowered her eyes. She hadn’t thought of it like that. In actual fact, until now, she’d never thought of anyone but herself.

‘She needs friends,’ Caren pushed. ‘We all do.’

The kitchen door opened and a sleepy Claire came in. Gina smiled and patted her knee. As big as she was, Claire sat in her lap and wrapped her arms around her mum’s neck.

‘Would you like a coffee?’ Caren asked.

‘Please.’ Claire nodded.

Caren flicked on the kettle and then picked up her phone, only to find it switched off. She must have forgotten to turn it back on after they left the crematorium. ‘Let me give Ruth a quick ring,’ she said, ‘see if she’s okay. She looked a bit upset this morning.’

‘And then shall we go home afterwards?’ Gina asked Claire.

Claire nodded. ‘Mum, can I change bedrooms and sleep in Danny’s old room?’

‘Of course you can, love. Although, I have plans that we need to discuss tomorrow.’

‘Ruth? Hi, it’s Caren. Just ringing to see how you are.’

‘Am fine.’

Caren sighed. She sounded drunk again. ‘Do you want me to pop round for a while?’

Silence.

‘Ruth, are you okay?’

Gina and Claire looked up at Caren.

‘Ruth?’

‘I… want to… time to… time to go. I want to –’

‘You’re not making sense. Christ, Ruth how much drink have you had tonight?’

‘I – I... No, I – Glenn. I –’

‘Ruth?’

‘I – s’over.’

‘RUTH!’

Caren didn’t give her time to reply again. She ran out of the house and down the avenue towards number thirty-two. ‘Ruth!’ She banged on the front door. She raced to the window and banged on there too. ‘Ruth! It’s me, Caren.’

‘Does anyone have a spare key?’ Gina had come running up behind her with Claire.

‘I don’t know. Claire, run round to Mrs Ansell’s and see if she has one.’

Claire took off and Caren went to try the back door. ‘Ruth!’ She tried the handle. ‘It’s open.’ She looked at Gina. ‘Should I go in?’

‘Of course you should. Something spooked you on the phone.’

Caren knocked and went in. ‘Ruth?’ She gasped as she spotted the array of things on the kitchen table. A blister-pack of painkillers sat next to an empty bottle of vodka. She noticed the writing on the notepad and picked it up.  

‘Oh, God,’ she covered her mouth with her hand as she read it. ‘We need to find her! RUTH!’

Both women checked downstairs but didn’t find her. Caren ran up the stairs two at a time. Into the bathroom, into the back bedroom and then into the front bedroom. Ruth lay on the bed, another vodka bottle on the floor beside her.

‘Ruth?’ Caren shook her but there was no response. ‘Ruth? Talk to me. It’s me, Caren. Talk to me! Gina – in here!’

Ruth moved her head and muttered something unintelligible.

‘Get her to her feet and walk her around.’ Gina pulled on her arm. ‘We need to keep her awake.’

Claire appeared in the doorway. ‘Ohmigod, is she okay?’

‘She will be,’ said Gina. ‘Ring for an ambulance.’

‘No.’ Ruth muttered again. ‘No – blance.’

‘You don’t have any choice in the matter.’

‘No…’ said Ruth. ‘No choice.’ Her head flopped to the side.

‘Ruth!’ Caren slapped at her face and took another few steps around the room, dragging her along with Gina. ‘Ruth. Stay with us, Ruth!’

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Josie pushed opened the gate to number thirty-two Stanley Avenue. As she walked up the path to the front door with trepidation, she wondered what sort of welcome she would receive. Was it too early for a support call? Would she be accused of poking her nose in again? Would she even be allowed in?

But she needn’t have worried at all.

‘You look better than the last time I saw you,’ she smiled widely as Ruth led her into the living room. ‘How are you feeling now?’

Ruth smiled too. ‘I’m feeling good, thanks,’ she acknowledged.

In actual fact, Ruth was feeling exceptionally well. It had been two weeks since her suicide attempt. She wasn’t self-conscious about it, more embarrassed by the fuss she’d caused. People around her had been so nice, kind even, afterwards. She’d had her stomach pumped and a stern lecture off a doctor half her age. But the nugget of information that she’d left the hospital with – hope and a reason to survive – had re-enforced how precious life could be.

Josie held up her hand. ‘I’ve got the paperwork you requested. Sorry it’s been a while for me to get it to you.’

‘Oh, that. I don’t need it anymore.’ They moved into the living room and sat down before Ruth replied. ‘I’ve decided to stay here,’ she said.

‘Here?’

‘Yep.’

Josie shook her head. She frowned and then she smiled. ‘I’m shocked. I thought you hated living in Stanley Avenue.’

‘I did, but the grass isn’t always greener and all that malarkey.’

‘I’m glad because I would have only been able to get you transferred into a flat anyway. And I think you’d be better staying in a house, in case things change in the future.’

Ruth knew she was referring to the boys coming to stay. Last week, she and Josie had gone to see the social worker with a view to meeting up with them for a one-off visit to start off with. It wasn’t going to be easy. She didn’t know if they’d want to see her again and rejection would hurt like hell, but she felt she had to give them the choice and then to stand by their decision.

‘I’m scared of it not working out,’ she told Josie, unaware she was wringing her hands.

‘But you’ll never know if you don’t try and that would be much worse,’ said Josie.

‘I don’t mean for me. I mean for them. What happens if one of them doesn’t want to see me? Jamie might be able to be won around because he’s younger but Mason probably won’t ever forgive me. And it’s not just that, it’s upsetting their new routine by imposing myself on them again.’

‘Imposing yourself on them?’ Josie sounded shocked. ‘You’re their mother!’

‘Yes, but I gave them away.’

‘Only because of how you were feeling at the time. Now you’re back on the straight and narrow, anything’s a possibility.’

Ruth sighed. ‘I suppose so. I’ll just have to take one step at a time.’

‘Talking about steps,’ Josie stood up. ‘I’d better be making a move. I can see my work here is done before it’s even started.’

Alone with her thoughts again once Josie had gone, Ruth flopped back in the settee and hoisted her feet up onto the coffee table. She rested a hand on her stomach, feeling the tiny bulge that had started to form over the past week. Now wasn’t the time to tell Josie, or anyone else: she needed to be sure there weren’t any side effects from her suicide attempt first. Not for another couple of weeks at least, or until she could hide the little life growing inside her no more.

What a predicament to be in. She wasn’t sure if the father was Martin or Pete, but she knew she wouldn’t be making the same mistakes with this one. She was going to be a better mother to this child, try her best and give her or him her undivided attention.

And now that she had a friend in Caren, she didn’t feel so alone anymore.

Ruth took the plate of chocolate muffins through to the living room and slid them onto the coffee table. She wondered if Gina and Caren would like the cake that she’d made especially for them or would it be over the top? She had never hosted a coffee morning before.

She’d been surprised when Caren had told her she’d invited Gina along too. Surprised because Gina Bradley was the last person she’d thought would want to walk through her front door, even with an invite. It would be the first time she’d seen her since she’d been taken away in an ambulance.