Fighting to Stay (13 page)

The look she gives me is priceless.  I can’t even describe it.  She rolls her eyes and scoffs at me.  “I’m sure it was
real
hard for you, babe,” she says, sarcastically.

She just doesn’t get it!

I settle back in my chair and watch as my woman nurses our daughter, like a natural.

Jenn left us fifteen minutes ago to make phone calls.  I’m fit to burst with pride.  I can’t wait for my brothers to meet my little Lola.

Roam carries Lola out to the car and
gently places her in the car seat.  She’s so tiny.  She’s the image of her father, with her dark hair and bright blue eyes.  The only features she got from me are her button nose and her chin.  I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my life.  She’s smaller than I expected her to be.  She was only six pounds born, but judging by the size of my bump and the weight I was carrying, I thought she would have been at least eight pounds.

“Ready, sugar?”  Roam turns and helps me from the wheelchair.

“Sure am,” I reply.  I can’t wait to get home and relax in my own environment.  Roam is planning on bringing Jasper over tomorrow night to meet his new sister.  He’s called me up twice since I had her, asking me to put the phone up to her ear so he can hear her sleeping.  He really is adorable.  He has already asked Roam when Lola will be able to play with him.

The trip home is long.  What should take us twenty minutes to drive, ends up taking over half an hour because Roam is driving so slowly and cautiously.  If it wasn’t so
sweet, it would be infuriating. 

When we arrive home Jenn and Switch are waiting for us.  Jenn jumps up and comes bounding over.  She takes Lola from Roam and lays kisses all over face.  Lola scrunches up her nose and begins to cry.

“Aww, you made her cry,” I tease.

“Some aunty you are,” Switch joins in.

“Don’t cry, baby girl,” Jenn rocks her back and forth.

“Give her over here to Uncle Switch,” Switch surprises me by saying.  Jenn hands him Lola, and she immediately hushes.  “See, Uncle Switch has got the touch, don’t he?”  Switch coos to her.

“Well, just so you know, I am not
ever
having kids.  Her birth was enough to scare me into a nunnery.  Seriously, Lace, I don’t even know how you’re still in one piece.”  Jenn shakes her head at me.

“She’s worth it,” I remark.  Then I lead the way inside.  Roam grabs my bags from the car and brings them in, while Switch carries in Lola and Jenn babbles to her.

Jenn immediately goes to the kitchen and pulls a casserole dish from the fridge.  She places it into the oven and turns the dial.  Then, her and Switch come over and kiss my cheek.  Jenn gives Roam instructions for the casserole and they say goodbye.

That night, when we’ve put Lola down for the night, we cuddle up in bed, glued to each other from chests to toes.  I feel fit to burst with love, and I thank my lucky stars.

~*~

The next six weeks pass by in a blur – literally.  Lola didn’t sleep too well the first few weeks she was home and we are only now getting her into a proper routine.  Roam has been fantastic.  He helps out as much as he can and he’
s home most all the time.  The past week, things have improved for me.  I was so run down, tired and exhausted, but the last few days I have managed to nap when Lola sleeps during the day.  I feel better, but I’m still a little emotional – I blame this on the exhaustion.

Roam had to go into the clubhouse early this morning, so he’s been gone around four hours when I hear a knock on the door.  Thankful that I’ve managed to get a shower in this morning
and
put on a bra and fresh clothes, I swing open the front door.  Standing there is a heavily pregnant Christa.  My heart stops.

“Hey, um, Lacey, right?”  She says quietly, looking at the ground.

I nod.  My heart restarts with a hard thud. 

“Is Roam around?”  She tries to look past me.

“No.  Can I help you?” I ask cautiously.

“Uh, I know y’all are together and just had a baby, but I can’t do this on my own,” she rubs her stomach.

“Uh?”  My blood runs cold.

“I know this is bound to be awkward for y’all but I need to do what’s best for my baby.  Well, that is to say, mine and Roam’s baby.”

I swallow the bile that is clawing up my throat.  Oh my god.  My heart feels like it is shattering and the splinters are trying to rip through my chest wall.  I look at her rounded stomach.  Then, I look at her sad eyes. 

“Come on in,” I whisper.  I stand off to the side and let her pass me.

“I was just going to take my baby to the clinic, so why don’t you go ahead and make yourself comfortable.  Roam should be home soon.”

A look crosses her face that I can’t decipher.  I don’t care
what it means. 

“Run Lacey,”
my mom whispers in my ear.

I grab a bag for Lola and quickly throw some stuff in for me, and then I pack us in the car and drive.
  I make it an hour away before I pull to the shoulder and break down.  I cry until I’m sure I have no tears left…and then I cry some more.

It hurts so badly.  I never once thought he would cheat on me.  I can’t believe it.  I feel blindsided. 

~*~

ROAM

“I’m outta here, brother.  Gotta get home to my girls.”  I fist bump my brother and ride out, headed for home and the loves of my life.  Never, in my wildest imagination, would I have thought I would find what I did.   Christa is sitting on my couch when I walk through the door.  There’s no sign of Lacey or Lola.  My blood turns cold as an icy shiver ripples through my body.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I bark.  “And where’s Lacey?”

She stands, rubbing her swollen stomach.

She’s pregnant?
  My mind spins.

“I came by to see if we could work something out, baby.  I miss you.  Given my state, I had to tell Lacey about o
ur relationship and how you are the daddy of my baby.”

I blink.

“You did fuckin’
what?
” I roar.

My blood turns from ice to boiling and I swear to god there is steam shooting from ears.

“Roam, baby, don’t be angry.  I know you’ll look after me and little Roam Junior.  Lacey will just have to deal with it,” she walks towards me and places her hands on my chest.

“Where’s Lacey?  And why the fuck would you tell her a bunch of bullshit like that, Christa?  I haven’t fucked you since I hooked up with Lacey.”  I push her backwards, so she’s not touching me; she makes my skin crawl.  Her heel catches on the rug that Lacey brought and she stumbles backwards before righting herself.  That’s when he
r plan falls to shit, because from the bottom of her t-shirt, a white cushion is exposed.  Her shirt rides up a little further and then it dawns on me.  I charge towards her and rip the cushion out.  I look at it, and then I look at her.  I want to spit in her face.

I throw the cushion and grab her around the throat, pushing her up against the wall.

“Where the fuck is my woman?” I grate out.

“I-I-I don’t know. She-she said something about the clinic but she’s been gone for h-h-hours,” she stutters, with tears pouring down her face.

I release her and she slumps to the floor.

“You want to hope I can find her, Christa.  Or you’re fuckin’ dead,” I threaten.

~*~

Lacey

Two days later we drive in to Rockford, Tennessee.  It’s a small town in the middle of nowhere – the perfect place to disappear. The town is quiet and everyone’s homes are tidy, with green lawns and colorful garden beds.

After checking into a motel, I spend the next day scour
ing the papers, looking at the for sale advertisements.

I drive into town and buy myself a new phone.  Jenn’s is the only number I program in.

I know she must be worried, so I text her.

*It’s Lace. Can I call you?*

*Of course! I’m worried.*

*Are you alone?*

*Yes.  Call me now*

I dial her number and wait.  She answers after the first ring.

“Lacey, what the fuck is going on?  I’m scared out of my mind.  Are you okay?  Is Lola okay? Where are you?”

“Jenn, just listen, okay?”

“Okay, I’m sorry.  I’m just freaking out here.  Lace, you have to listen to me.  Roam says it-.”

“Jenn,” I snap, cutting her off.  “I don’t want to hear okay,” I say sternly.  “If you mention his name, I won’t ever call again.  Understand?”

“Okay.”  We talk for a little longer and then she brings him up again.

“Lace, about Ro-,” she starts.

“Jenn,” I warn.

“I know, I know.  But I need to tell you that I think you’re making a mistake, Lacey.  You need to hear him out.  He’s going crazy.  He misses Lola.  He misses you.”  She rushes her words out
.

“Jenn,” I sigh.

“Lacey, Roam is going psycho.  I think you need to hear him out.  Please, Lace.”

“NO!  I won’t put myself through that.  I was stupid to think that he would be faithful to me, Jenn.  For god’s sake, our first sexual encounter was a threesome!”

“But Lace, please.  Roam says-.”

“Jenn, please stop, okay.  Don’t mention his name.  I don’t want to talk about him, or to him.  Please.”

“But, Lacey-,”

“ENOUGH!” I scream into the phone.

I press end on the call and sink down into the bed.  I sob quietly, so I don’t wake Lola up.

I should have known better.  From everything I learned from my mother, from my entire
childhood
, I should have known better.  I should have known that despite outside appearances, all men are just the same.  I just wanted to be different. I wanted to find what my mother hadn’t – pure love.  A soul mate.  I wanted it.  I thought I had it, but it was all just a lie.  It was all a stupid lie. 

God, I wish it wasn’t.

I cry and repeatedly berate myself for being so stupid, until I fall asleep.

Is there a word for being emptier than empty?  That’s what I am.

I kiss Lola and hug her goodbye.  “Love you, sweet girl.”

“Lub you, momma.”  She squeezes her chubby arms around my neck as tight as she can, before releasing me and running off to play with her friends.

I sigh.  She’s growing up way t
oo quickly.  She’s two going on twenty!

More times than I care to admit, I have wanted to drive back to Alabama and into Roam’s arms.  I have imagined him telling me it was all a big misunderstanding, that he loves me and would never hurt me.  But, it’s all just wishful thinking. 

I’ve also played the look in Christa’s eyes over and over in my mind.  Most days I think it was triumph mixed with relief, but I know how stupid that sounds.  So, I have convinced myself that it is just my deluded mind making the look up so it doesn’t hurt so badly and so don’t I don’t focus on it all the time.  I’m seriously fucked up, I know.  You don’t have to tell me.

I pull my car into the d
rive of our home.  The home I bought for us a few weeks after we moved here.  It’s a nice cottage style home.  Two bedrooms, two bathrooms.  It’s big enough for us and Lola’s happy because she has a large toy room and an even larger yard to play in.

I unlock the door and go inside.  I need to get a lot of work done today and I don’t have many hours to do it.  Six months after we moved here, I started getting itchy feet.  I wanted to leave again, but I made myself stay.  Lola needs strong roots and a stable home, and that is what I will give her.

I’ve always liked crafting, so I decided to set up my own business selling handmade cards and gifts.  I listed them on an online market place and sales have grown steadily ever since.  I put Lola in daycare one day a week about the same time I started my business.  She needed to interact with other children and she’s come along in leaps and bounds since then.

I pull out my laptop and check my emails.  I reply to the ones that require attention and mark the rest as to read.  Then I send out the bunch of invoices that needed to be sent yesterday and pay some bills.  Once that’s finished, I take out my craft supplies and begin filling orders.  My mind clears and a sense of peace overtakes my body.  I know it won’t last long though.  It never does.

~*~

That night after I bathe my daughter and feed her vegetables for supper, I tuck her into bed and read her the bedtime story that I made when she was ten weeks old. 

“Once upon a time…”  When the story ends, I kiss her forehead, tell her I love her and turn out the light. 

I take my phone and dial Jenn.  I shove a sucker in my mouth and wait for her to answer.
  I’m nervous.  I haven’t talked to her since the night I hung up on her.  The next day, I bought a new phone and I haven’t contacted her since.  But, I miss her.  She’s my best friend, and I miss her.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Jenn, it’s Lacey.”

“Sweet Jesus,” she whispers.  “Lacey!”  She begins to sob, and I do the same.

“I’m sorry, Jenn.”

“I know, so am
I.  I’m so sorry, Lace.”

“How have you been?”  I ask

“Good.  Same shit, different day,” she laughs.  “What about you?  How you doing?  How’s Lola?”

“Good.  Busy, but good.
  I started a business from home and it keeps me occupied.”

“That’s awesome, Lace!  I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks.  It’s doing better than I ever expected.”

We chat for a while longer, catching up on the last two years.  I fill her in about Lola, and how quickly she’s growing up.  She tells me things are going good with her and Switch.

“I miss you, Lace, and I miss Lola.”

“I know, and I miss you too.  So does Lola.  I’ll send some pictures and video’s soon, okay?”

“Love you, Lace.”

“Love you, too
.”  I press end and sigh deeply, thankful that she didn’t mention Roam.

I miss him.  I miss him so bad it hurts.  My
chest aches when I think of him.  But I can’t let myself be
that
girl – the girl that just forgives someone for betraying her, just because she loves him.

~*~

ROAM

I throw the empty bottle of tequila across the room.  My hazy eyes focus on the scantily clad bitch who is grinding her ass on my lap.  My stomach rolls and I push her off me.  “Fuck off,” I slur.

“Aw, come on, baby.  I can make it all better,” she coos.  “I can make all your pain go away.”

Fuck it’s tempting.  I want to forget.  I want to forget so fucking badly.

She takes my hand and starts leading me to a private room.  I stumble along the way, crashing into the wall a few times.  She opens a door and we walk through, then she closes and locks it behind us.  Her hands start at the base of my stomach and travel upwards until they reach my shoulders.  She gives a shove and I fall backwards onto a padded chair.  She falls to her knees and makes short work of exposing my cock.  My
dead-ass, floppy as fuck,
cock.  She leans down and sucks the head into her mouth.

Lacey,
my mind taunts.

Fuck off!
I mentally hurl back.

Lacey.

My stomach rolls again and I push the girl off me.  She lands on her ass with a thud.  “What the fuck?” She screams.

“Just fuck off.  Just fuck right off,” I roar at her.

She scrambles backwards, crab-like, across the room until she reaches the door, then she tears out of the room as fast as she can. 

I tuck my cock away and then put my head in my hands.

Fuck it hurts.  I miss them.  I miss them so much it hurts.

~*~

I roll out of bed and groan.  My head is pounding. 
“Christ!”
I groan.  I stumble towards the shower and turn the spray on.  I don’t even wait for the water to heat up before I step in.  The cold blast takes my breath away at first, then it begins to warm up and I wash my body.  I close my eyes and instantly Lacey’s face fills my mind.  My cock immediately springs to life and becomes rock hard in a matter of seconds.

I let the spray run down my back as my head drops and I steady myself with one arm against the glass shower screen.  Using my free hand, I wrap my palm around the base of my cock and stroke upwards.  My balls tighten and my ass cheeks clench together.  I imagine Lacey, laying on my bike, legs wide open, sweet, wet pussy on display for me.  I stroke hard and faster.  I pause for a second to massage my balls and then I grip my cock and tight as I can stand, and begin to furiously pump my hand up and down as the image of Lacey, naked, assaults my brain.

My spine tingles and a grunt escapes from deep in my throat.  My cock throbs and then I spurt hot come over my hand and down the shower wall.  I pant, trying to regain my breathing.

It takes the edge off, but it’s not near enough. 

Nothing
but Lacey will
ever
be enough.

~*~

“You got anything for me, Louie?”  I slide onto the stool next to him and sip my bottle of water.

“No, brother.  Sorry.”  Louie was patched in as a member about eight months ago.  He proved himself during his time as a Prospect, and he has proved himself ever since.  Currently, I have him trying to find leads on Lacey.

“There’s got to be something, man.  She can’t have just fallen off the face of the Earth.”

“I did find something.”

“What?” I bark.

“Veronica had a little altercation with Christa last night.”

After Christa had ripped my life apart, she went underground.  No one has seen or heard from her since.

“She’s back?”

“Yeah, brother, and it ain’t good.  Veronica had a hunch, so she acted on it and turns out she was right.  Christa admitted to being behind the attacks on Lacey.”

“What the fuck?” I mouth.

He nods.  “Crazy assed fucking bitch.  Veronica saw red and acted on it.  Christa’s gone underground, again.  Axe was pissed because it ain’t Veronica’s place to step in.”

Axe
is Veronica’s husband and another brother of mine.

“That bitch is fuckin’ whacked.  Man, I never even thought it would be her.”

“Prez wants church in an hour.  I think he wants to talk about it more then.  I just wanted to give you a heads up.”

“Yeah, thanks brother.”

Louie leaves and my mind spins.  Christa?  Christa was behind everything.  I want to kill her.  My fists clench on the counter and my teeth grind together so forcefully, they may snap off.

I stand abruptly and the stool goes flying backwards, toppling over and making a loud crash.  I don’t give a fuck.  I look in the bathroom mirror at my reflection and then I slam my fist over and over into the glass.  I ignore the pain and the blood.  I just keep hitting until the mirror is nothing but tiny shards of glass scattered over the floor. 

I take a deep breath, wash my hand off and walk out the workshop, where I spend the next hour building a bike for some hot shot Hollywood movie star.