Fighting to Stay (11 page)

“Lacey Monroe,” the bubbly doctor calls my name.

Jenn stands beside me and we
make our way over to where she’s standing, then we follow her into her office.

“Hi, Lacey.  Nice to see you again. You certainly look better than the last time I saw you.”

“Nice to see you as well, Doc.  I feel a whole bunch better, that’s for sure.”

“That’s good.  Now, what can I do for you today?”

I grab the pregnancy tests from my handbag and place them on her desk.  “According to these, I’m pregnant.  But I can’t be.  You see, I’m on the Pill, plus when I was sick, you prescribed the Morning After Pill to me, which I took, so it must be a false positive, right?  It says in the instructions that it’s possible.”

“Yes, it is possible.  The best way to confirm is to have a blood test, though I would like to ask you some questions first.”

“Okay.”

“When was your last period?”

“Um,” I pause to think. When
was
my last period?  “Oh, it was a month before last, but that’s only because I wanted to skip my period last month.”  Roam was coming home from being away for five days and I didn’t want my period interrupting our reunion.

“Okay
,” she writes something down.  “Now, when you took the Morning After Pill, were you sick at all after that?”

“No, I don’t think.  I took them all together – the pills for the vomiting and diarrhea that you gave me, plus the Morning After and the cold and flu tablets.”

“YES! You were sick,” Jenn almost jumps out of her chair.  “Oh, sorry,” she at least has the courtesy to look apologetic for her outburst.  “Roam said you did get sick through that first night.  It was only after the
second
round of medicine that you began to feel better.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right,” I nod.  And then it dawns on me.  Oh god.  I vomited out the Morning After Pill.  Fuck. 
Fuck.

“Right, then.  I think the best thing to do is go ahead with the blood test and then you will know for sure.  However, it is highly likely that you are indeed pregnant.  As I told you on your last visit, the Pill can become ineffective if you have vomiting, diarrhea or are on antibiotics.  The Morning
After Pill has to be taken strictly according to the instructions and it sounds like you may have brought it back up after your first dose, thus making it ineffective.  We will do the blood work to make sure, though and then we can further discuss your options if the results come back as expected.”

I simply nod. I’m in shock.  I cannot
believe
this shit!

Jenn rubs my arm, comfortingly and then I follow the doctor out to another room where a nurse efficiently takes my blood.

Silently, we walk back into the doctor’s office and I sit back down.

“We should have the results in twenty fours, Lacey.  If you’d like to come back in tomorrow, we can chat further.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” Jenn shakes the doctor’s hand.

I slide into the passenger seat of Jenn’s car.  I think I am in shock.  I can’t believe this is happening.  I’m twenty freaking four.  I’m not ready to be a mother – am I?  Now I have no choice but to tell Roam.  He’s going to flip.  I just know it.  This is all my fault. 

Suddenly, the thought of what my father would say if he were still here pops into my mind.  He would want to kill me.  I can’t stop the bubble of laughter that travels up my throat, escaping my mouth in a loud burst.  Jenn looks at me confused, which only adds to my amusement.  My laughing quickly becomes uncontainable.  Happy tears stream down my cheeks, until they turn to sad tears.  Then, instead of laughing uncontrollably, I’m sobbing uncontrollably.  I hunch over and put my head between my knees.  My body jolts with each loud, intense sob.

Jenn whispers soothing words while rubbing my back.  It begins to help and after a while, I calm myself down.  Swiping my tears, I tell Jenn to take me home.  I just want to forget about the last few hours.

~*~

My stomach dips when Jenn
pulls into the drive and Roam’s truck
and
bike are parked out front.

“Oh, shit,” I whisper to myself.

“Stopping tying yourself in knots, Lacey.  Just tell him and
then
deal with his reaction.  Stop fretting about a response that you don’t even know you’re going to get.”

“Thanks for today.”

“Anytime, babe, you know that.”

“I know.” I lean over and kiss her cheek.

“You want me to come in for a bit?”

“No, it’s okay.  You go on home to your man.  I’ll ring you if I need you, but I’m sure it will be fine.”

“Okay.  Love you.”

“Love you.  ‘Bye.”  I watch and wave as she drives away.  I stand there until I can see her no longer.  I know I’m only delaying the inevitable, but I can’t help it.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.  With a sense of dread spreading throughout my body, I slowly make my way inside to Roam.

“Hey, sugar.”  I turn and see him in the garage.  He’s covered in grease, motor oil and dirt.  He looks amazing.

“Hey,” I turn and walk towards him.

“Everything all right?”  He asks.

“Uh,” I run a hand over my forehead.  My heart thuds hard in my chest. 

“Lacey?”  He walks the short distance between us and tilts my chin up, so I’m looking into his concerned blue eyes.  “What’s wrong, darlin’
?  Was there another incident?”

“No,
no, nothing like that,” I shake my head.  I hate that he’s worried that I was in danger again.  “We just need to talk about something.” I swallow hard.

“Okay,” he agrees cautiously.  He takes my hand and we walk over to some makeshift chairs.  He sits down, then pulls me down beside him.

“What’s the matter, sugar?”

“Umm.  This is hard,” I mutter to myself.

“What’s hard, darlin’?  You need to talk to me.  Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.”

“Well, uh, you know when I was sick a few weeks back?” My heart is beating so hard I can barely hear myself concentrate.  My hands are shaking as they rest on my thighs and my feet are so cold, I can hardly feel them.

He nods.

“And then I felt good for that night and morning so we, you know…”

He nods again.

“Jenn took me to clinic the next day to get some medicine and they said that my Pill may be ineffective because I was sick.  They gave me another pill to stop pregnancy.  I took them and I thought everything would be fine but then I started feeling nauseous again.  Jenn got a wild hair and bought me some tests. They came back positive but I didn’t believe the results so she took me to the doctor. They did a blood test but they think I’m pregnant because I was still vomiting after I took the Morning After Pill.”  The words rush o
ut of my mouth like verbal diarrhea.  It’s almost as if I’m thinking the faster the words come, the better his reaction will be.

“I see,” he says tersely.

Oh god.  Here it comes.

“I’m sorry, Roam.  I didn’t want it to happen.  The results should be back by tomorrow, and the doctor said we can discuss my options, then.”  I feel my throat tighten and my eyes sting as tears threaten.

“Options?” He almost spits the word.

“Yes,” I whisper. 

“And what sort of
options
are you looking into?”

“Um, well, I imagine the usual ones – keeping it, adoption or abortion,” I say meekly.

“What the fuck, Lacey?”  He booms.  I jump at his outburst and immediately cower.  I know what happens when a man gets angry.  I know they hit. 

“Run, Lacey,”
I hear my mom whisper the words in my ear.  I try to stand, but my legs feel like they’re filled with lead.

Roam spins around and sees me with my hands held up to my face.

“
Fuck
darlin’.  No.  No!  I would never,
ever,
lay a hand on you in anger.”  He kneels before me and pulls my hands down.  If I wasn’t so scared, I would have noticed his blue eyes glistening with wet.

“I’m sorry.  I know you don’t want this, and honestly, I’m too young to have a child.  I know
nothing
about raising a child.  I’m scared, Roam.”  I sob.  My tears fall.  I can’t contain them.  I don’t even want to.  I let it all out and he holds me in his arms, whispering words I can’t make out and he kisses my temple occasionally. 

Eventually, I sniffle and wipe away the tears.  I look up to him, prepared to see the worst in his eyes.  But, all I see is blinding love.  He tenderly looks into my eyes and then kisses each one.  They’re swollen and puffy – that much I can feel.  I also imagine they’re an unflattering shade of red, but he still presses his lips to them, as if to heal them.

“Darlin’, I don’t know what you’re thinkin’ my reaction would be, but whatever you thought, you’re clearly mistaken.  Nothin’ would make me happier than to have my baby growing inside you.  How you could doubt that, I have no idea.”

“My mouth falls open.  “Seriously?” I breathe, incredulously.

“Jeez, sugar, what is it you think we’re building here?  I want kids with you.  One day I want to marry you, too.  So prepare yourself woman, things are moving forward.”

“I think I’m in shock,” I remark.

“Get used to it.  Just don’t ever doubt my love for you again, woman.  Now go inside and fix me some dinner.”  He grins when I raise my eyebrows at him.  “I’ll be in shortly. I just gotta put this socket back on and tighten some nuts.”

“Ok, you lost me at dinner.  I’m starving.  Don’t be long.”

I walk out feeling lighter.  I still don’t think I’m ready for a baby – but is anyone ever
really
ready?  Roam’s acceptance of the situation makes me feel a lot more positive about the idea of bringing a child into the world.  He’s already got a son, so he knows what he’s doing.  Everything will be fine….I hope.

~*~

The next morning, Roam wakes me up early so I can get ready for my appointment.  Once I’ve showered and thrown on a light blue summer dress and a pair of wedge sandals, we go out to his truck and he drives us to the clinic.

Thankfully, the waiting room is almost empty and we only have to wait around fifteen minutes until my name is called.

“This is my partner, Roam,” introduce them.

“Roam, nice to meet you.  I’m Doctor Michelle Bray.
  Now, Lacey, we have your blood tests results.  As suspected they came back positive.  You’re pregnant,” she looks between us, gauging our reaction.

Roam’s face spreads into a wide grin and I can’t help but do the same.

“I take it you’ve had time to talk and come to terms with the idea?”  Doctor Bray laughs.

“Yes, ma’am,” Roam and I answer at the same time.

“Okay, well, now I’d like to suggest that we give you an ultrasound to determine how far advanced the pregnancy is.”

I climb onto the bed and lie down.  Roam stands beside me, holding my hand.

“I’ve never been to an ultrasound,” he confesses in my ear.

“Really?”

“I missed out with Jasper.  I was always doing club business.  Not gonna miss out this time, sugar.”

I smile and kiss his cheek.  “Love you.”

“Let’s get started.  We’ll start off with an abdominal ultrasound, but if the pregnancy is too early, we will have to use a vaginal Doppler.”

Lifting my shirt to expose my stomach, she squirts a large amount of cold jelly just above my pubic line.  “Sorry – it’s a little cold.”

The wand makes contact with my belly and I look at the screen.  I have no idea what I’m looking for though.  It’s just a bunch of grainy black and white shapes that I can’t make out.  Doctor Bray quietly takes some measurements and then begins to point out the pictures on the screen.  Suddenly, it all becomes very clear.  I can make out my little jelly bean. 

“It looks as though you’re about ten weeks pregnant,” she smiles.

“Wow.”  I’m not sure if I say the word out loud or not.  I can’t believe what I’m seeing.  A beautiful little piece of me and Roam.  He squeezes my hand and we both continue to watch the screen, enthralled.

“Let’s see if we can hear the heartbeat.”  She maneuvers
the wand and then presses a button on her computer.  Suddenly, the room is filled with the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. 
Ba boom, ba boom, ba boom.
  It’s so loud and fast.  I look to the doctor, who is smiling at us.  “Sounds perfect,” she tells me.

Doctor Bray
manages to get some clear shots so she prints them off for us and even though they’re not perfect, they are to us.  Our baby’s first picture.  My heart swells and I slide my arm around Roam’s waist.  He throws one arm over my shoulders, while the other instinctively comes to rest on my stomach.  We shake the doctor’s hand and she gives me scripts for prenatal vitamins.

“Let’s get out of here,” Roam helps me into the truck and then rounds the hood, climbing up into the driver’s seat.  He turns the key and we head for home.