Fighting to Stay (15 page)

I pack Lola’s bag and sit it in the back seat beside her.  “Ready?”

“Yes, momma.”

I reverse out of the drive and drive the short way to her daycare.  I’ve got a mountain of orders to fill and not enough time to do it, so I put her in for a half day today. 

“Thanks so much for this, Trish,” I say to the
daycare teacher.

“Anytime, Lacey, you know that.  She’s a delight.”

“She sure is.”  I couldn’t agree more.

“Well, go on now and get some work done.  We’ll see you before supper.”

“Sure thing.”

~*~

ROAM

The first thing I notice, is Lacey’s car has gone from the drive.

Fuck!

I jump off my bike and race up the path.  Knocking on the door, I wait for someone to answer, but they don’t.  I peek through the windows and notice nothing out of place.  I run down the side of the house like a madman, checking through the windows.  Everything looks normal.

I breathe a sigh of relief.  She must just gone out for a bit.  I cross the road and sit on my bike, waiting for her.

~*~

Lacey

After I leave Trish’s, I pop into town and grab some supplies from the local craft shop, then I head home.

I unload my supplies and get to work.  I cut, paste, thread and sequin and whole bunch of orders, until my fingertips are throbbing from all the delicate work.

I look at the clock, and notice I’ve been going at it for closing in on five hours.  No wonder I’ve had enough!  I grab my handbag off the counter, slide my glasses over my eyes and decide to walk to pick up Lola.  It’s a lovely evening and we’ll
be back well before it gets dark.

The walk only takes ten minutes when I’m by myself, but with Lola, the trip home takes about thirty.  She collects odd and ends along the way, and waves to people as we pass.  She’s skipping just ahead of me, when suddenly she stops dead.

“What’s the matter, baby?”  I ask, thinking she may have stubbed her toe on the uneven concrete.

I see her face break out in a cheek splitting grin, then she screams, “
Daddy!”

My heart falls through my stomach and onto the pavement.  I look up and see Roam.  He looks shocked that she knows who he is, but he holds his arms wide and Lola slams into him, knocking him on his ass.

“Daddy, you’re here,” Lola cries.

My heart breaks.

“Yeah, darlin’.  Daddy’s here,” Roam’s voice cracks.

“Can you stay?  Can you come to my house?  I can show you all my things and I’ll show you where I keep all the pretties that you send me.”  Lola is so excited, she’s bouncing in his lap.

“If it’s all right with your mom, I’d love nothing more, darlin’.”

“Mom
ma, is it okay?  Can daddy come to our house? Can he?”

I swallow the massive lump in my throat and then nod.  “Of course.”

Lola takes Roam’s hand and helps him off the pavement.  Then, still griping his hand, she tugs him in the direction of our house.  I walk behind them, dragging my feet.  I’m shaking so hard, I can barely put one foot in front of the other.

Roam doesn’t look at me, he focuses solely on our daughter.  It hurts, but I can hardly blame him.

“Hurry up, momma,” Lola whines to me. 

I speed up and unlock the door for them.  Lola takes Roam straight into her bedroom and begins showing him her things.  To distract myself, I set about preparing some supper.
  I decide on fried pork chops with butter beans, creamed corn and fried corn bread. 

I hear Lol
a and Roam talking in animated voices.  She explains every one of her toys in great details, and he sounds like he’s reveling in her story telling. I can’t make out their words, really.  It’s just the pitches in their voices

Lola’s voice comes clearer as she walks closer to me.  I know she’s going to the special cabinet, and I bite my lip, unsure of how this is going to play out.

“This is all the stuff you send me, daddy.  I keep it in this special shelf with your letters – except the Dora dolly you sent me for my birthday, that’s too big to fit,” she tells him matter-of-factly.

“Uh, wow, that’s some real nice stuff.”

“You bought it, silly,” she laughs at him.

When the food is ready, I call them to eat.  As we sit at the table, Lola doesn’t stop talking.  She fills her father in on every life event that she can remember.
  Her blue eyes haven’t stopped twinkling since Roam turned up.

Roam still doesn’t acknowledge me.

When we’ve finished eating, I clear the plates and set about giving Lola a bath.

“I’m so excited that Daddy is here, momma.  Is he gonna live with us now?”

“Uh, let’s just enjoy daddy being here for now, baby.”

“Okay.”

She climbs out and I dress her in her favorite Dora the Explorer pajamas.

“Can daddy read my bedtime story to me tonight? Please?”  She begs.

“I’d love to, darlin’.”

“Yay!”

I tuck her into bed and then leave the room.

I stand behind the half closed door.  I don’t want them to know I’m there.  I just want to listen. 
Really listen.
I want to hear what he’s like with her.  This is it.  After four long years, he’s back.  I’m still as broken as the day he broke me.

“Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess,” he starts.

“That’s mommy,” she points out, referring to me.

“She moved to a small town one day, and there she met a handsome prince.”

“That’s you,” she says excitedly.  I hear him chuckle.

“The prince was tall with dark hair and a short beard.  He r
ode a big motorcycle and wore a leather jacket.  The princess loved the prince’s blue eyes; they twinkled when he was happy.  The princess fell in love with the handsome prince.  She loved him so much that she had a baby.  The most beautiful baby the world has ever seen-,”

“That’s me!” She claps, interrupting him.

I hear him chuckle, before he continues. “The princess looked down at her baby and named her Lola.  She looked just like her daddy, with her dark hair and bright blue eyes.  The prince and the princess were so happy with their new baby.  They couldn’t wait to take her home so she could meet her older brother.  The prince had a son, whose name was Jasper.  Jasper looked just like his dad as well, except he had blonde hair.  He lived in another town, but he visited often.”

I hold my breath as he nears the end of the bedtime story I know by heart - I’ve read it to her every night for the past four years; every night since
she was ten weeks old.  But that’s not the only reason I know it so well, I know it because I wrote it.   The words are
our
story.

“One day, the princess got a sore heart.  She was very sad, so she took the beautiful baby and moved them away so she would be happy again.  The princess never stopped loving the prince, though.  For every time she sees her daughters twinkling blue eyes, she is reminded of him and it makes her smile.  The End.”

I hear him saying goodnight to her, so I tiptoe away.  He’ll come and find me when he’s ready to talk.  I know he wants to; it’s why he’s here.  Well, that and to see his daughter.  He wants answers.  He’s mad, and he’s got every right to be.  I’m not mad anymore.  I’ve forgiven him, but just because you forgive, doesn’t mean you can forget.

I pour myself a glass
of milk and wait for him.  I hear his heavy boots lightly thumping as he makes his way down the floorboards of my hall.  I sense him stop when he reaches the doorway of the kitchen, where I am.  So I turn to face him.  Gone are the tender eyes he gave to our daughter.  In their place are hard, cold,
livid
eyes.

“Roam,” I whisper.  I don’t know what else to say.  I don’t know what else to do.  He’s not scaring me, as such; I know he’d never hurt me.  But, I don’t like being on the receiving end of the look he’s giving me and I don’t like knowing that it is my actions that caused that look to appear on his face.  The silence is deafeningly uncomfortable.  I want to run again, but I know I won’t, because I made a promise to myself.  For the sake of my daughter, I would never run again.  I would face my problems head on.  I would not run.

“You better get to fuckin’ explainin’,” he growls at me.  I flinch a little at the harshness of his words, and then I take a deep breath.

“Would you like something to drink?”

“Does it fuckin’ look like I want something to drink?”

No. No it doesn’t.  “Maybe we should sit,” I suggest as I walk through into the living room.  I sit down carefully on the edge of one of my couches and wait for him to do the same.  He sits directly across from me, on top of the coffee table.

“Talk, Lacey,” he barks.

“I,” I start and then pause.  I don’t know what to say.
  This is so much more difficult than I imagined it would be.  He’s angry, and yeah he has a right to be, but dammit, so do I!  He cheated on me and got another woman pregnant, for God’s sake.

“YOU FUCKIN’ LEFT ME,” he roars at me.  “Took my fuckin’ kid and took
you!
”  I watch as a single tear falls from his eye and my heart shatters.

“I’m sorry,” I sob.

“Sorry?  You’re fuckin’
sorry,”
he spits at me.  “That’s all you got?  You’re sorry?  Well, it ain’t fuckin’ good enough, Lacey.”

He looks at me
, his blue blazing.  He deserves an explanation, because I know, above anything else, taking a child from a perfectly fit parent is wrong.  I know that, and I've regretted it, ever since I left.  But, sometimes, it’s too hard to go back on the choices we’ve made.  Sometimes, it seems easier to live in ignorance, than to say you’re sorry.  Sometimes, things hurt so bad they cloud your judgment, and even though you know deep in your bones that you’re taking the wrong path, you still can’t see clearly enough to get on the right track. 

Finally, it’s time for me to do the right thing.  So, I lay my cards on the table.

“Please let me explain without interruption.  Can you do that?”  I ask, my voice quiet.

His eyes soften
slightly, then he nods.

“When Christa came to the house that day and told me she was expecting your baby, I’ve never felt so much pain.  My heart,” my palm automatically grasps the area, “my heart felt like it had been ripped out of chest and then slammed onto a bed of nails. 
I was
blinded
by pain, and the only thing I could focus on were words that my mother had made me promise her after each time my father hurt her.  She made me promise to run away whenever there was a chance I could get hurt.  I’ve known it was the wrong thing to do, for a while if I am honest, but I just haven’t wanted to admit it to myself.  To be completely truthful, I had convinced myself that with Christa and the new baby, it wouldn’t have taken you long to forget about me and Lola.”  His growl interrupts me, but I continue.  “I truly am sorry, Roam, for taking Lola away from you.  I let the pain I was feeling dictate the decisions I was making, and those choices affected the two people I love most.”  I don’t even realize I am crying until the wetness begins to turn cold on my cheeks.  I swipe the tears away and look at him.  My eyes are full of sorrow and sincerity.  I hope he can feel how genuine my words are.

I watch his jaw tick, as I wait for him to say something.

He says nothing.  He just looks at me.  My heart skips a beat when he stands up. Then, he nods and stalks towards the kitchen.

Turning back to me once he reaches the doorway, he says, “Tell Lola, I’ll be back to see her next week.”

He leaves.

My heart bleeds.

~*~

The doorbell chimes and I hear Lola shout, “Daddy!” 

Tears threaten.  I ignore the burning sensation in my nose and behind my eyes, and instead, I plaster a fake smile on my face. 

“Hi, Roam,”
I greet quietly.

“Lacey.”  One word.  That’s it.  That’s all I get.  I bite my lip so I won’t cry.

“Can you take me on your bike, Daddy?”  Lola jumps up and down, clapping her hands.  Her face is lit up by the biggest of smiles and her eyes are twinkling so bright, they might blind me. 

My heart swells.  I’ve never seen her so happy.

“If it’s alright with your momma, I can,” Roam smiles indulgently at her.

“Momma, please?  Please can I go with Daddy on his bike?”
  She begs, her hands claps together, bottom lip stuck out in a pout.

“Okay,” I smile.  “Why don’t y’all ride down to the park?  I’ll walk and meet y’all there.”

“Yay!”  I watch as Lola races down the drive and stands beside her father’s Harley.

“C’mon, Daddy,” she shouts.

Roam looks at me.  He opens his mouth to say something, and then shakes his head.  He looks down at the ground and walks away.

I take a deep breath and walk out towards them.  He settles Lola in front of him, and shows her where to hold on.  I laugh at the oversized helmet strapped to her head, and then wave as Roam slowly coasts down the road.