Find You in the Dark (15 page)

 
Clay shivered under my touch but didn't move away.  He closed his eyes as I continued to explore the map of scars on his body with my eyes and fingers.  “That one was made with a piece of glass.  I was high on cocaine and needed the pain to feel grounded.  The cutting wasn't my only addiction.  I already told you about that.” 

 
I dropped my hand and took a step backwards.  Dear God, how could he destroy himself like that?  I just couldn't wrap my mind around someone driven to hurt themselves in that way.  It was completely outside my realm of experience. 

 
Clay put his shirt back on and turned away from me again.  “By the time I was fourteen I was pretty heavy into drugs and drinking.  There wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't loaded...and cutting.  I was so deep into my self- destruction that nothing else mattered.  My parents were never around.  My so- called friends were only there for the drugs I could score with my parents' money.  I really didn't have anyone that gave a shit about the fact that I was slowly killing myself.  And I hated myself, Maggie.  I mean
really hated
myself.  I thought about suicide every day.  I wanted to die, but was too much of a pussy to outright do it.”

 
The agonizing pain in his voice was unbearable.  Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around him and leaned my cheek against his back, feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest as he breathed.  “You weren't a pussy for not killing yourself.  I think it's much braver to keep on living, in spite of all that stuff.”  I said sincerely. 

 
Clay covered my hands with his and held on.  He stood rigidly against me.  “So how did you end up here, with Ruby?”  I asked after he paused.  Clay leaned his forehead against the glass of the window.  “It all came to a head about six months ago.  I had been partying pretty heavily. I was hanging out with my group of druggie friends and was so strung out on heroin and liquor that I never knew what the hell I was doing.  I knew my parents were having a dinner party with some of my dad's constituents, but I just didn't give a shit.  By that point, my parents had kicked me out of the main house.  They were sick of seeing me drunk and high all the time, so I was living in the apartment over the garage.”

  “
Your parents knew you were having problems?  And they never tried to get you help?”  I interrupted, aghast at the lack of love he received from the people who were supposed to give it to him unconditionally.  Clay laughed, a hurt and humorless sound, almost a snarl.  “Oh they cared about the fact that I was strung out...but only when it affected them.  You know, like if I was supposed to go to some function with them, but was too wasted to make an appearance.  Then they'd get pissed.  But, other than that, their solution was to get me out of their hair.  I guess in their minds if they weren't seeing it, it wasn't happening.” 

  “
God Clay, that's horrible.”  I couldn't help myself.  I thought of my own parents and knew that if I was in a dark place like that, they would do everything in their power to help me.  I felt a new appreciation for my mom and dad and all they did for me. 

  “
Yeah, well they won't be winning parents of the year anytime soon.”  He squeezed my hands and pulled my arms away from him, putting space between us once again. 

  “
Well, I took this girl back to my apartment.  Lacey.”  Oh no, here came the jealousy again.  I tamped it down with effort.  “Lacey ran with my group of friends and was as drugged out as I was.  We had just done lines of coke at a club in downtown Miami and we wanted to be...well alone.”  He looked over at me, as if gauging my reaction.  I simply nodded, encouraging him to continue. 

  “
We had sex, did some more coke and broke open the bottle of gin I had stored in my kitchen.  I have no idea what happened, but the next thing I knew I was freaking out.”  Clay took another deep breath, running his hands through his dark curls over and over again. 

  “
I remember smashing the mirror in my bathroom.  And Lacey was just sitting there in her underwear, on my couch doing lines as I'm tearing the apartment apart.  Then the hurricane in my head just stopped.  Next thing I knew I had a piece of glass in my hand from the mirror and I was cutting my arm.  Then my chest.  Then my wrists.”  He turned his hands over and showed me two deep scars, one on each wrist.

  “
Lacey must have come into the bathroom and seen all the blood.  I heard her start screaming, but I was way past caring.  The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital room, my hands strapped to a bed and my parents looking at me with absolute disgust.  You see, my little
issue
ruined their dinner party.  Was quite an embarrassment for them.” 

 
I was shaking by the time he finished.  Whatever I thought was going on with Clay, this was the farthest thing from it.  This guy had been to hell and back. 

 
Clay opened the drawer at his bedside table and pulled out a bottle of pills, tossing them to me.  I caught them and read the label.  Lithium.  I shook the bottle.  “You take these?”  I asked.  Clay nodded.  “I was hospitalized in Miami General's psych unit for ninety days.  After that, my parents shipped me up here to stay with my mom's sister, Ruby.  I hadn't had much to do with her over the years.  She's not close with my mom anymore, particularly after she came out and got together with her girlfriend Lisa.  But she is the complete opposite of my parents.  She actually gave a shit and offered her home to me.  She and Lisa are the closest things to parents that I've ever had.”

 
I was relieved to hear that at least someone had cared about him. 

  “
When I was in the hospital, the legion of psychiatrists diagnosed me with bi-polar disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.  They prescribed me lithium for the bi-polar.   It's supposed to help with the...swings.  But therapy is supposed to be the only thing that helps with my other
problems.
”  Clay sneered, obviously unconvinced this is what he needed.  I ignored that minefield and opted to focus on the other part of his statement. 

  “
The swings?”  I had no idea what he was talking about.  Bi-polar disorder?  Borderline Personality Disorder?  “Yeah, my manic swings.  I go through major extremes in my  mood.  You know, happy one minute, depressed and suicidal the next.  I suffer from rapid cycling.  My mood swings are severe and hard to control and come on really close together.  But a lot of that also has to do with the Borderline issue.  The chemical imbalance in my brain is one thing, but the crazy behavior extremes are something else entirely.  Which is why I turned to drugs, according to my shrink.  I wanted some sort of control over what I was feeling all the time.   That's also why I cut.  It's so strange to know the textbook explanation of why I'm doing things while having no control over doing them.” 

 
I put the bottle of pills on his dresser and crossed my arms over my chest.  This was a lot to absorb. I was in information overload.  If I wanted to run the other way last night, that was nothing compared to the need to get the hell out of there that I was feeling now.

 
But what kind of friend would that make me if I bailed when he was finally sharing so much with me, even though it was scary and dark?  If this were Rachel or Daniel, would I turn my back on them?  I immediately knew that I wouldn't.  And as I looked at Clay, my heart filled with love for him.  Because despite all that he had just told me, it didn't change my feelings for him.  Not one bit.  I would stay, I would be there and I wouldn't run like a coward.

  “
Does the lithium help?”  I asked him, coming to sit beside him on the bed.  Letting him know with my body language that I wasn't going to leave just because he unloaded some heavy shit in my lap.  Besides, I had asked him for it.  “It does, I suppose, but I hate taking it.  I feel like a fucking zombie on that stuff.  Like I can't feel anything.  I'm just numb.  I guess I'd rather be crazy than not feel anything at all.”  He said.  His answer scared me.  So was he not taking his meds?  Is that what caused his psycho turn last night?

  “
But it's dangerous not to take your medication, right? I mean, is that why...you know...last night happened?”  I didn't know how to word what I wanted to say.  I was swimming in very deep waters here.

  “
I know that, Mags.  I know I need to take them.  But I just wanted to feel normal for once.  To be a normal teenager.  To have fun.  Hang out with people who didn't know anything about me or only wanted to use me for what I could give them.  I wanted to feel what it was like to kiss you for the first time without being sucked into a medicated fog.” 

 
Oh. “But you need them.  Last night was bad.  I can't stand seeing you do that to yourself.”  I said quietly.  I turned my body on the bed until I was facing him.  He looked at me and rested his forehead against mine.  “And I want to kiss you too, more than anything.  But not when you're like this.”  I watched Clay's shoulders sag with the rightness of what I was saying. 

 
Because as much as I wanted to take that step forward in our relationship, he needed me as a friend more.  As much as that freaking sucked.  Clay cupped my cheek in his hand.  “I am so tired of being this way.  I just want it to stop.  I want to be a guy you aren't afraid to be around.”

 
I leaned my face into his hand and kissed his palm.  “Then take your meds, Clay.  I won't watch you destroy yourself over some ridiculous idea that those pills make you less than who you are.  You need them.  And I need you...as my friend.”

 
That was really hard to say.  Because it was such a lie.  But he didn't need his life complicated by a new relationship.  He needed my support without the added issue of the girlfriend/boyfriend thing.  And I needed to wrap myself around all that he had just revealed, and what it potentially meant for any future between us.

 
Clay's mouth rose on one side in a half smile.  “As a friend, huh?”  He asked, his eyes questioning me.  I nodded, pulling away a bit.  “Yes, as a friend.  Because you've become one of my best friends, Clay.”  It really blew being selfless.

  “
Okay then.”  Clay got up and picked up the bottle.  Shaking out two pills he put them in his mouth and swallowed them without water.  “There.  Problem solved.”  He said nonchalantly, opening his mouth to show me he had indeed taken the pills. 

 
I smiled halfheartedly.  I seriously doubted a few tiny pills could solve all of his problems.  But it was a start.

                                                
Chapter Nine

 
The weeks that passed after Melissa James's party on the whole were pretty uneventful.  My friends and I fell into a routine of school and hanging out.  Daniel was off again with Kylie, so he was around a lot more than he had been, much to Rachel's delight.  I was also happy to see that the two of them seemed to have called a cease fire.  Since Rachel's drunken verbal vomit and my advice for caution and sensitivity, Daniel had been doing just that.  He was thoughtful and polite.  In other words, nothing like himself.

 
I noticed the change in Clay almost instantly.  The Monday after his Oscar- worthy freak out he was subdued and expressionless.  He interacted some, but he had a perpetual stoned demeanor that was really hard to get used to. 

 
I felt guilty for thinking that I too liked happy Clay off meds.  But then I just had to remember him crumpled on his bedroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably and I put those thoughts firmly away. 

 
The medication also made him really sleepy.  He was having a hard time staying awake in his classes and at lunch time.  Instead of eating, he would often put his head down on the table and nap, pulling his army jacket up over himself.

 
During one such lunchtime nap session, Rachel poked him in the arm, soliciting no response.  “I have never seen someone sleep like he does.  What is his deal?”  I glanced over at him.  He hadn't touched his pizza.  He never ate much anymore and I could see that he was losing weight. 

  “
He's just tired.  Leave him alone.”  I snapped at her.  Rachel looked hurt by my tone.  “I was just asking.  No need to bite my head off.  Well, while we're on the subject.  What is up with you lately?” 

  “
Huh?”  I asked, genuinely confused as to what she was talking about.  Rachel took a bite of her chicken salad sandwich, then delicately patting her lips with a napkin.  “Don't you 'huh' me.  I'm talking about your emergence as Super Bitch.  Well at least where Danny and I are concerned.  Clay, on the other hand, gets all the sunshine and roses.”  I looked at Daniel and he just shrugged a shoulder and went back to reading his sports magazine. 

  “
I'm not grouchy
all
the time.  Sorry if I've been less than my usual uber fun self.”  I joked.  Rachel snorted in annoyance.  “Well, whatever, just stop taking your pissy moods out on the two of us.  You know if there's stuff going on you can talk to us.”  Rachel looked pointedly at Clay who was starting to stir.  I ignored her remark, refusing to acknowledge, even to her, that there was any sort of problem.