Find You in the Dark (21 page)

  “
Enough, Clay!  Back off!”  Rachel had come around the table and pulled me away from my boyfriend.  Clay looked down at Rachel, his dark eyes simmering.  “Fine.  I'm backing off.  I'm backing the hell out of here.”  He grabbed his bag and stormed off out of the cafeteria. 

 
I was painfully aware of the silence around us.  I wanted to curl into a tiny ball of mortification.  “That was bullshit, Mags.  I'm gonna kick his ass for treating you like that.”  Daniel fumed.  “No, Danny.  He's just stressed.  It'll be all right.  Don't hold it against him.  Please!”  I begged.  Daniel stared at me as though I were talking in another language.

 
Rachel looked at me with concern.  “I don't like this, Maggie.  The way Clay acted wasn't normal.”  Normal.  Ha!  If Rachel even knew the half of it.  I smiled weakly, hoping to placate them.  “No, everything will be fine.  Come on, you guys would be pissed if you saw someone flirting with your boyfriend or girlfriend.  He was just surprised is all.”  I reasoned unconvincingly. 

 
Daniel looked unswayed.  “No, I can't say I've ever had that sort of reaction before.  I swear, if he ever puts a hand on you...” I cut him off.  “That's enough, Danny.  Clay would never hurt me.” I swore.  “There are more ways to hurt someone than that, Mags.”  Rachel said quietly as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch.   I felt sick to my stomach because I knew she was right.

 
I wasn't sure if Clay would wait for me after school to give me a ride home.  I hadn't seen him the rest of the day and my heart hurt when I thought about how angry he had been.  Rachel had tried talking to me about it a few more times but I shut her down, refusing to discuss it with her.

 
I knew she and Daniel only cared about me but their worry irritated me.  They had no idea what Clay went through every day.  How hard it was for him to hold it together.  They didn't see how beautiful and perfect we were together. 

 
They just didn't get it.

  “
You want me to give you a ride home?”  Danny asked as he waited for me by my locker at the end of the day. I still hadn't seen Clay, but I didn't want to spend the next fifteen minutes rehashing the state of my relationship with either of my best friends.

  “
Nah.  I'm sure Clay is just waiting by the car.” I told him, slamming the locker door closed.  Daniel grabbed my hand and squeezed.  “I'm not sure you should go anywhere with him.  I knew I was right when I thought that guy was unstable.  Maybe you need to just stay the hell away from him.” 

 
I snatched my hand back.  “Shut up, Danny.  He is
not
unstable.  He got a little jealous.  It's not a big deal!  Don't you dare stand there and judge him!  I've seen you do some pretty stupid things over Kylie.  So just give him a break!” I said coldly.  Daniel looked as though I had slapped him.  I had gone from never raising my voice at him, to snapping at him all the time. 

 
I felt the strain in our friendship and I hated it.  But I would be damned if I would stand there and justify my feelings for Clay to him or to anyone.  “That's not fair.  I have never blown my lid like that and you know it.”  Daniel reasoned. 

 
I sighed, letting my shoulders drop.  “Maybe you've just never cared enough about anyone to feel the way Clay does about me.”  I sounded like an idiot, even I knew that.  But I knew that Clay cared about me pretty damn deeply, even if I knew on some level that that didn't give him an excuse to act the way he had.

  “
Well, that's a shitty way of showing someone you care, if you ask me.”  Daniel quipped, following me out the door and onto the sidewalk outside of the school.  I stopped and turned around, wrapping my arms around Danny in a hug.  “I appreciate your concern. I love you so much for it.  But trust me when I tell you that everything will be fine.  Clay and I will work it out and I can't have you being all big brother around me all the time.  I want the two of you to get along.  You're two of the most important people in my life.  So, please, for me...just let it go.” I pleaded. 

 
Daniel looked torn.  I knew this went against his protective instincts where I was concerned.  We got out to the parking lot and I looked over to where Clay's car was parked.  My heart picked up when I saw him standing there, leaning against his BMW, his hands shoved into his jacket pockets, looking at me with apprehension.

 
Daniel followed my stare.  “I don't like this, Mags. I'm serious.  Just be careful.”  I nodded, making my way over to Clay.  Danny followed me and we both stopped when we got to the car.  Clay looked at me as though I would run away.  His eyes were sad and I felt a twinge of guilt for my part in making him feel that way. 

 
Why I felt any guilt was beyond me.  But, I felt it nonetheless.  “Hey, Maggie.”  He said quietly, my name a breath on his lips.  “Hey.” I said back, just as quietly.  “Look, Clay.  I'm not sure what the hell your deal was at lunch.  But I don't want to see that shit again.  Maggie is special and I will break your legs if you hurt her.”  Daniel broke in harshly. 

 
I wanted to elbow him.  Hadn't I just told him to check the protective bit?

 
Clay didn't take his eyes from mine, even as he answered Daniel. “I understand.  I was an ass. I'm sorry.  If I hurt her, I would want you to break my legs, man.  I swear it!”  My throat felt tight.

 
Daniel grunted from beside me, but neither Clay or I took our eyes off of each other.  “Well, as long as we understand each other, I'll see you guys later.”  Daniel said grudgingly.  I looked at Danny quickly.  “Thanks, Danny. I'll call you later.” I assured him.  Daniel gave me a smile.  “Okay. Talk to you then.”  Daniel eyed Clay again and then walked away.

 
Clay reached out and took my hands in his.  He pulled me close to him and I went willingly.  “I'm so sorry, Maggie. You have no idea how much.”  He whispered, putting his arms around me and holding me to his chest.  I laid my cheek on the rough fabric of his jacket and closed my eyes. 

  “
I just don't understand.  What did I do?” I asked softly.  I felt Clay shudder.  “It's
not you
!  It's me and my stupid insecurities.  I saw you talking...touching another guy and I just lost it.  I'm so scared of losing you that it makes me crazy!”  He said hurriedly.  His fingers kneading the back of my neck and I felt him bury his face in my hair.

 
I pulled away and looked at him.  He looked miserable and I hated it.  “You can't act like that every time I talk to a guy, Clay.  It's irrational and a little scary.  I'm with you!  Only you!  I don't know how to make you see that!”  I implored, cupping his face with my hands. 

 
Clay closed his eyes and covered one of my hands with his own and pulled it to his mouth, kissing the palm.  “I know that!  I do!  I never want you to be scared of me.  Ever.”  He choked out.  He seemed as though he were barely holding it together.

 
I hated to see him so broken.  I leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips.  “I love you, Clay.” I murmured against his mouth.  His eyes opened wide in surprise.  Then a happy sort of contentment took the place of the angst on his face.  He crushed his mouth to mine, his hands sweeping over my body in a desperate sort of possession.

  “
I love you too, Maggie.  God, I love you so much!” He strangled out.  We clutched together, trying to get as close as possible.  “I'm yours' Clay.” I said softly as he kissed my cheeks, my neck, my hair.  “Mine.” He growled before taking my mouth with his again.

                                                
Chapter Twelve

 
To say that things were tense for the next few days was a bit of an understatement.  Clay had joined Rachel, Daniel and I again at lunch.  The next day after his meltdown over Jake, he had awkwardly apologized to my friends for his behavior.

 
Rachel had accepted his apology, mostly I knew, out of consideration for me.  Daniel was still cool toward Clay, but after a week, he had started to let up on his aloofness.  A tentative sort of peace descended over our small circle and I was finally able to breathe a little easier.

 
Clay was going over the top to prove he was a kind and loving boyfriend.  He left me beautiful drawings in my locker almost every day.  Each one depicted a butterfly in varying degrees of detail.  Each one was more unbelievable than the next. 

 
When I asked him as to why he only drew the butterflies he had kissed me softly on the mouth.  “Because you make me feel free.” He had answered simply.  My heart melted into a puddle at my feet.  He could say and do the most romantic things. 

   
Clay had broached the topic of Lisa's cabin again at the lunch table. I knew he was trying really hard to change Rachel and Daniel's idea of him.  My friends seemed less enthusiastic about it than they had been before.  But after some pleading on my part, they each agreed that it could be fun. 

 
So we made plans to spend the night at Lisa's cabin over Thanksgiving break.  I desperately hoped it could eradicate this division I felt deepening between my friends and me.  I knew they didn't approve of my relationship with Clay.  I knew they were worried we were in too deep, too fast.  And I knew they hadn't forgotten for one minute, the anger Clay was capable of. 

 
And that upset me.  Because I felt like no matter how much Clay tried to change their minds about him, their opinion was permanent.  Despite how cordial they were to his face. 

 
I became protective of my relationship with Clay.  I didn't want anyone or anything to taint what we had.  I felt like I was trying to hold onto a block of ice as it slowly melted through my fingers.  I  couldn't keep hold of the happiness I felt in those moments when things were good.  Because the bad loomed not far away, just waiting to wipe everything else away.

 
But the trip to the cabin began to hold all my hopes for changing that.  Clay seemed excited about the trip and I loved seeing him look forward to something.  To see the brooding darkness erased by a real and true happiness. 

  “
Wow, you're really excited about this trip aren't you?”  I asked Clay after school.  We were lying on my bed in my room.  It had taken a lot of pleading to get Clay to return to my house.  And yes, I knew that I was breaking one of my parents ten commandments but I knew for a fact that they would be out for at least two more hours.  Giving Clay and I plenty of time to be alone together before he had to get the hell out of there.  The truth was, not even my parents' wrath could stop me from being with him.  I was so desperate to make things good between us that I was willing to risk anything.

 
Clay rolled onto his side, his feet wrapped around mine as we lay tangled together.  He propped his head up on his hand and looked down at me.  He rubbed his fingers over the skin of my stomach, making me squirm.

  “
Yeah. I'm really looking forward to it.  I'm just glad everyone agreed to come.”  Clay said softly and I felt a pang at the regret in his voice.  He knew what my friends thought of him.  He wasn't stupid.  I hated it for him.  For
us. 
It didn't make things easy.  But we had never done
easy. 

 
I sat up suddenly, surprising Clay with my movement.  I straddled his hips and wiggled against him.  He laid his head back against my pillows, his eyes changing instantly from sadness to molten desire.  “You start doing that, things are going to get out of control very quickly.”  He teased, running his hands up my sides.  “Stop it.”  I laughed.  Clay chuckled and pulled my face down to kiss me.  “Mmm.  You taste like cherries.”  He murmured against my mouth. 

 
I smacked my lips together.  “You can thank Lip Smackers.”  Clay laughed again, my heart thrilled at the sound, and kissed me longer and deeper.  “Thank you, Lip Smackers.”  He said huskily before putting his lips to the base of my throat.  He sat up, my legs wrapped around his middle and he held me tightly to his chest. 

  “
Just think, Mags.  An entire night together.  I've wanted that for so long.”  He whispered breathlessly as he kissed a trail from my collar bone to my ear.  “Typical guy, only thinking with your penis.”  I said crudely. 
Way to kill the moment, Maggie!
  I chastised myself.

 
Clay smirked, not put off by my choice of terminology.  “Oh no, I think with other things.  Like my hands.”  He put them up my shirt and I gasped as his palms cupped my breasts.  “And my fingers.”  He whispered in my ear as his thumbs began to rub my nipples, causing a warmth to pool in my abdomen.  “And my lips.”  He sucked on my ear lobe and I groaned.  I swear, if he had wanted, he could take me right then and there.