Finding A Way (24 page)

“Finally…I was thinking you changed your mind.” She lets herself inside.

I shut the door behind her, leaning against it. I blow out a breath, running my hand roughly through my hair. Caroline's long coat covers what lies underneath, but if my instincts are right, she's wearing a tight little dress underneath. I stay still, watching her nervously. She lets her coat fall down her arms, exposing the dress I knew was there.

I stare at the skin which reveals itself, the memories drifting in and out of my mind.

Leah looks up at me, pressing her palm to my face, closing her fingers so she's cupping it. I push my face into it, enjoying the way her fingers feel gentle sliding over it.

“I love you Mac. There's no place I'd rather be than here with you. You are my world.”

I smile, pressing a kiss into her finger which runs across my lower lip.

“I love you, baby. One day I will make you my wife. I won't ever let you go sweetheart.”

I watch her face morph into something unrecognizable. Her skin peeling away, leaving nothing but the bones that make it up. I scramble, reaching for her. Trying to pull her back, but I hear the doctors voice instead.

"I'm sorry sir. Neither of them made it."

My memories fade to Caroline standing in front of me, her breasts pushing against my chest. She's sucking up all of the oxygen I need right now. I can’t fucking breathe. My heart pounds in my chest at how wrong this is. I know I should shove her out the door, but I can't. When I meet her eyes, I see myself in their reflection. I’m not the only one there though. Leah stands behind me, smiling over my shoulder and looking at me like she used to.

“Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost, Bear,” Caroline questions.

Her hand goes to my face like Leah’s used to. The minute her fingers touch my skin, out of instinct, I push my face into her hand, letting her support its weight. I need someone to support the emotions which are weighing me down and Caroline is doing that for me right now.

“I have,” I almost whisper.

I keep watching Leah in Caroline’s eyes behind me. Leah’s head is still resting on my shoulder, looking back at me with adoring eyes. She looks so fucking happy. Why am I so broken when she’s living the dream? I watch her smile sparkle while she throws her head back, laughing at something.

“Why have you been ignoring me?” Caroline asks me.

I feel Caroline’s fingers still running over me. I nuzzle my face into her hand a little more, the scruff on my face picking as I do. I close my eyes, clearing Leah from my sight, and when I do, I see Callie instead. I’m being haunted by two women. How is that fucking possible?

“Did you meet someone?” she asks softly. Her other hand slides to my neck, massaging my pressure point.

I nod my head, sagging against the door a little bit more.

“Yeah, and I let her go. I pushed her away. I fucked up. I'll always fuck up, Caroline.”

I shouldn't be finding comfort in Caroline's touch, but I do. I enjoy having a touch that's gentle and understanding right now. I need to rid my conscience of the bad shit which lies in it.

I open my eyes, looking back to where Leah was, but she’s gone. As quick as she came is as quick as she disappeared. My heart breaks a little more in my chest.

“I can make you forget. I can make you forget them both,” Caroline implies, running her finger across my lips.

I kiss her fingers, silently accepting her offer. I need this. I need a comfort that doesn't include the bottom of a bottle. I need something which can fix this. I need to forget.

She takes my hand, leading me across the room to the metal chair I sat in before she came. She reaches up, placing a soft kiss on my lips. Her lips on mine makes my heart ache that much more. I can feel it screaming not to do this, but I drown it out, telling it I fucking need this.

She nudges me down until I'm sitting in it. She leans down to my face to whisper.

"I will make you forget," she promises softly, placing another lingering kiss on my lips.

Caroline turns away, walking across the room to the stereo on the far wall. I watch her from behind, listening to her heels clicking on the concrete. She goes on her tippy toes, flipping through the songs Trent’s CD has on it. I listen to each song she skips, knowing which one comes next. I've listened to this CD a thousand times and my heart stops when I hear the beats start. She stops on Kings of Leon “Beautiful War” and I watch her from behind.

I cock my head to the side as she turns around. She moves toward me seductively, eyeing every inch of me from top to bottom. I flick my eyes over her front, examining every inch of her, too. She's grown into a woman. Every part of her body is filled out perfectly, begging to be touched. Begging to be kissed and sucked.

I need this, I tell myself.

She stops a few steps in front of me, moving to the music in slow, planned movements. I watch her hands run over her breasts, pushing them together for me to appreciate. She moves closer, spinning around to lower the zipper on her dress. My mouth waters watching her bare skin come into view.

Her back flexes slightly and the zipper stops just above her ass. Her hands find the thin straps, peeling them down her torso softly until I can see all of her back. The dress hangs on her body, forming against her hips. She bends over a little, her hands gripping the edges of the fabric and sliding it over her body, down her legs until the fabric pools at her feet. Her heels come into my sightline soon after she steps out of her dress, spinning to face me. I take in her naked breasts and tight stomach and her little black panties. I don't move toward her. Instead I stay still, drinking her in. She has an amazing body and I pray this won't be the biggest mistake of my life.

I reach out, grab her hips, and pull her into me. I run my hands over her ribs, feeling her shudder under my touch. She has her sister’s body and I'm fucked up for thinking about it right now.
Who the fuck sees a ghost while they're getting someone else naked? Me. That's who.

“Oooh,” she coos, pushing into my touch.

I bring her down so she straddles my thighs on the chair. I feel my erection coming to life as she grinds down on me, begging me for what she wants.

“No talking. Let me have this,” I tell her, sucking her bottom lip into my mouth.

Her eyes glisten, her head nodding. I run my hand over every inch I can, closing my eyes as much as I can so I don't have to look at her. I can't. It’s too much.

My hand finds its way to her panties, and in one single pull, I rip those fuckers off, sending them flying through the air.

“You want this sweetheart? You want my cock inside you?” I ask her, hoping she doesn't answer my question.

She lets out a small moan, letting me know her answer is yes. I feel her hands reaching down to unbutton my jeans. Her thumb slides over the head of my cock and I lose myself in her touch. I keep my eyes closed, pretending I'm another person, in another place and another time.

I told
Sierra everything, which made her want to beat the crap out of Mac. Being my best friend, she wanted to do what a best friend would do. Slap the guy who put tears in my eyes. I told her all of it, from the first night to the incident at the shop. She seemed calm at first, even happy at how caring Mac was, but everything changed the moment I told her how he tried to screw me on the hood of his car. Usually, she would jump with joy if some guy tried to get with me. She might even have been okay with it if Mac didn't yell at me afterward. That's what pissed her off the most. I had to sit through her twenty minute rant about how Mac never should’ve said those awful things when I said no.

In her mind, she thinks I never wanted it at all, but for a moment I really did. I imagined what it would be like to have a man that raw take me on the hood of a car, but I couldn't do it.

When he said how I felt the same connection he did, he was right. The difference is, he wanted to act on it and I wanted to enjoy our connection in my mind where I could control the outcome. I would never allow myself to get hurt. I would never be unloved and I could stop it before it all came crashing down on top of me.

I imagine that Malcolm Davis falling in love with someone is akin to a hurricane. Anything which stands in the path of what he wants gets demolished. If I fall in love with someone, I want it to be gentle and caring, not wild and uncontrollable. I need safe and secure…despite Mac's short lived friendship making me feel that—safe. I know being with him physically and emotionally would change the playing field. We're talking the big leagues here.

It's been three days since I've seen or heard from Mac. I really expected nothing less. He made it all clear. My friendship was not enough for him. He wanted more and he gave me the ultimatum: It's all or nothing. So, now I’m here...with nothing. I've tried to write down things I'm grateful for, but I've fallen short. What I didn't realize was how much being around Mac truly helped me. I didn't need to force good things to come to mind because I was surrounded by good. Mac was my good. He has been my hope, dreams, and future all together.

Sierra has been trying to keep me busy so I don't check my phone every five minutes while Evan stands on the sidelines rooting for team Mac. He apparently knows more than I do at this point since he's the only one in the house still talking to the enemy. He doesn't put his two cents in often, but when he does, it pisses Sierra off to no end.

In my attempt to think about anything other than Mac, I may have told Sierra about the guy from class, Chase, who invited me to his party, which she thought was a perfect way to cheer me up. I had no choice but to agree to go since she didn't really ask. More like she told me I needed to snap out of my funk.

I've known Mac for a week. He's not the only fish in the sea, and all that stupid shit I didn't wanna hear. Evan gave us hell for even considering going to the party. He claims they're frat guys who only want pussy, but in the end he relented with the stipulation that he plays bodyguard for the night.

After my classes for the day, I head home to relax a while before we go to Chase’s party. I shot him a text saying we were coming, to which I assume he was happy to receive judging by all the exclamation points in his text back.

I walk in the door and hear a noise coming from the kitchen. I follow the noise, seeing a sight I absolutely don’t want to see: Evan has Sierra bent over the kitchen counter while he screws her from behind. I sprint in the other direction to get away as quick as possible. Thank God they were too busy to notice me coming in. That would be one hell of an awkward situation.

I head up to my room and make myself comfortable on my bed. I pull out my phone and plug my headphones in, hoping to drown out Sierra and Evan’s noises. I scroll through my playlist, tapping Dierks Bentley's “Say you do.”

The moment my head hits my pillow, I think about Mac. I think about how much I miss spending time with him. How lonely it feels around here. Even though I know I have Sierra, she has Evan, too. I have no one else here. I open the text messages and type in Mac's name.

I figured out what tattoo I want.

Can you call Trent?

I hold my breath tightly and hit send. I’m not sure if he will actually reply, but right now I'm hoping he doesn’t totally blow me off. I know he said he couldn’t do this with me, but I need him to. I need him in my life somehow. With his absence, it made me realize he was right. I feel for him exactly the way he feels for me. I don’t want to fight it anymore, but he has to talk before we can even go into that.