Finding Dr. Right (Contemporary Medical Romance) (17 page)

“Who are you lying to, Nathan? Me? Or yourself? I know what Brian told you yesterday.” Not because Brian had told her, though. Because she had looked at the open files in the exam room. She hadn’t meant to, was only straightening the room when she happened to see them. So she had looked, driven by a strong need to discover the truth. Because Nathan would never tell her.

He couldn’t even admit it to himself. That much was obvious from the way his whole body stiffened. The dim light reflected the hardness in his eyes, mirrored by the coldness when he spoke. “Nobody said I should stop playing.”

Catherine studied him for a second longer then looked away, feeling lost and empty. She shook her head, her words almost a whisper when she finally spoke. “This is why it can’t work, Nathan. You can’t even admit to yourself that it’s time to quit. I need to think about Matty. He shouldn’t be looking up to someone who pushes himself to the point of irreparable injury.”

“Excuse me? You’re going to put this off on your son? Use him as an excuse?” He walked back to the kitchen table and fingered the bouquet of flowers, then gave a short laugh before facing her. “Now look who’s talking about admitting the truth to themselves. That’s the great Dr. Wilson for you. So noble and self-sacrificing. Maybe you should think about the example you’re setting, always holding yourself back.”

“How dare you!”

“No, Catherine, how dare
you.
I really thought we had something going. Christ, I was even starting to think of us as a family. Matty means the world to me, and for you to turn around and accuse me of setting a bad example…” Nathan’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat. “What a crock.”

A sudden piercing stabbed Catherine in the breastbone as Nathan’s words hit her with the force of a physical blow. She sucked in a breath that stuck in her throat. Her mouth opened and closed but no sound came out. She imagined she could hear a rending tear coming from her chest when she noticed the naked emotion in Nathan’s eyes. “What…what did you say?”

“I said it was a crock.” Nathan stared at her, his eyes blazing with emotion. He continued fingering the flowers, then finally picked them up with one hand. It struck Catherine as an absent gesture, as if he wasn’t even aware he was doing it. “You know, you’re right. This won’t work. I’m not perfect. Too bad that makes me a bad example in your eyes.”

“Nathan —”

“Forget it.” His words came out in a whisper. He looked down at the bouquet of flowers in his hands as if he just realized he was holding them. A distant look flashed in his eyes and he shook his head before holding them out to her, a final offering she refused to accept. Nathan carelessly tossed them back onto the table. “Have a nice safe life, Catherine. I hope you find the perfection you’re looking for. Tell Matty I said goodbye.”

The silence between them was charged with unspoken words, accusations and denials. Catherine swallowed back her tears and thought about denying his words, couldn’t because she knew they held some truth. She thought about telling him how she really felt, what was really in her heart and how much that scared her.

The moment, and the chance, was lost when Nathan shook his head a final time and walked past her. His footsteps echoed in the unnatural quiet of the house, ringing with a finality that paralyzed Catherine with regret.

She heard the rattling of the doorknob, heard the whisper-soft creak of the front door opening. The noise broke her paralysis and catapulted her into action. Her feet moved of their own accord, dragging her out of the kitchen. Uncertainty gripped her when she realized she didn’t know what she was going to say, didn’t know
why
she was running after him.

She was running after him because she loved him. But then it was too late. A closed door greeted her just as she turned the corner of the empty hallway. Nathan was gone.

Catherine reached for the knob, imagined she could feel the heat of his touch still on the metal, like a living thing. Nothing was stopping her from turning the knob and throwing open the door. Nothing was stopping her from calling out to him, telling him that he was right, she had been holding back.

Because she was afraid.

Because she loved him.

The sound of an engine turning over drifted through the closed door, followed by the squeal of tires as his car pulled out of the driveway. Catherine sagged against the door, defeated. She had come so close to chasing after him. Stupid.

It was better this way. Better for a clean break before things got too out of hand. Before she really lost her heart. She wiped the wetness from her face and kept repeating the words to herself, over and over, hoping she’d eventually believe them.

“Y
ou look like hell.”

Catherine looked up from the report she was trying to write, surprised to see Brian standing in her office. She hadn’t even heard him come in. “Thanks, Bri. I knew I could count on you to make me feel better.”

“Just doing my job.” He shut the door behind him, walked toward her then lowered himself into one of the chairs and propped his feet on the edge of the desk. Catherine raised her eyebrows but said nothing, just moved a pile of papers before he could knock them to the floor. She turned her attention back to the report, determined to ignore him.

“Somebody sent me three tickets to tonight’s game,” Brian finally said as he studied his fingernails. Catherine knew without asking that he was talking about the
Banners’
playoff game. She pretended to ignore Brian.

“I thought maybe you and Matty —”

“No.”

“Catherine, Matty misses him —”

“I said
no.
No more, Brian. Just drop it.”

Silence filled the room. Her vision swam and she realized she didn’t even know what she was writing anymore. A sigh hitched in her chest and she finally tossed the pen down.

“How long are you going to make yourself miserable?”

“Who said I’m miserable?”

“Come off it, Catherine. Everyone can see you’re miserable. You haven’t been sleeping. You look like the walking dead.”

“Thank you, Brian. Thank you very much. I don’t need this from you, okay?” Catherine leaned back in the chair and ran her hands through her hair in frustration. “I’m fine. Matty’s fine. Everyone is fine so please, just mind your own business.”

Brian pinned her with a glare that was so unlike him she physically recoiled from it. “No, everyone is not fine. If you want to ignore how you’ve been lately, that’s up to you, but Matty doesn’t even look like the same kid anymore!” His features softened as he paused, thinking. “And Nathan is just as miserable as you are. Maybe more, if that’s even possible.”

Catherine blinked, hard and fast, then focused all her attention on the mess that had accumulated on her desk. She leaned forward in her chair and went through the piles, trying to organize everything, knowing it was hopeless since she couldn’t really see what was in front of her.

An image of Nathan the last time she saw him came to mind against her will. She remembered the haunted look in his eyes, the brief glimpse of raw emotion that she nearly missed seeing before he ruthlessly hid it behind an impenetrable wall. She sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to fill the emptiness that had been inside her. “Brian, it’s over. Not that there was anything there to begin with. Just let it go.”

“Catherine…”

She looked up at Brian and saw the sympathy on his face. She didn’t want or need sympathy. All she wanted was time. Time to get over everything, time for things to return to normal. Was that too much to ask?

“Then what about tonight? At least let me take Matty.”

“Brian —”

“It’ll be good for him, Catherine. In spite of what you think, the way you and Nathan are acting is tearing that poor boy apart. Is that what you want?”

“You know it’s not.”

“Then let him go. Let him have one night out away from everything. It’ll just be the two of us. He can even stay the night, let you have some time to yourself.”

The last thing she needed was more time to herself but she suspected Brian already knew that. If she said yes, she would be caving in, contradicting every reason she had for not seeing Nathan again. If she said no, she would look spiteful, like she didn’t care about Matty. It was a no-win situation.

Catherine suspected Brian knew that, too, and mentally cursed him for knowing her too well. She ran a hand through her hair again and let out a weary sigh. She didn’t have a choice.

“Fine. Take him to the game. But that’s it, Brian, just the game.” She pushed away from the desk and stood, jamming her pen into her coat pocket as she leveled her sternest glare at Brian.

“Now what else would we do?”

“Brian, I mean it. The game, and straight home. No stops afterward.” She held his gaze until he sighed and nodded.

It wasn’t until she was finished with the last patient that she realized he had never actually agreed with her.

Nathan sat in the locker room after the game, an ice pack held to his broken nose. He had played well, scored twice, had even hoped that Catherine was watching the game from home. Now, as he shifted on the padded table and winced as pain shot through him from at least a hundred different places, he couldn’t care less if she had seen the game or not.

“All right, lemme see.” A hand appeared in Nathan’s peripheral vision, moving forward until it grabbed the ice pack and took it away. Another hand tilted his head back until the face of the trainer came into view. “How many fingers?”

“Get lost, you moron. It’s a broken nose, not a concussion.” The words were nasal and tired, a direct reflection of how Nathan felt. All he wanted to do was go home and soak.

“Such appreciation. How’s the cut?”

Nathan fingered the small slice below his eye and shrugged. It was a cut. A few stitches probably wouldn’t hurt but there was no way anyone was getting near him with a needle. The butterfly bandage would do the job just as well. “Fine.”

“How about the nose?” The trainer squeezed the bridge of Nathan’s nose, causing him to wince. He batted away the offensive hand and put the ice pack back in place.

“It’ll be fine as long as you leave it alone.” And it would, Nathan knew from experience. They had one day off before flying to Pittsburgh to finish the series. One more win, and they’d move to the conference finals. Then the Cup.

There was no doubt in Nathan’s mind that they’d go all the way. That
he
would go all the way. All it had taken for his game to pick back up was that first goal tonight. Once he scored that, they had been unstoppable.

He
had been unstoppable.

The trainer finished his poking and prodding then made his rounds through the battered and bruised. Nathan limped into the shower for a steaming soak that did little to ease his aches. He was in the process of buttoning his shirt and getting ready to leave when Sonny came over to him.

“Good game, Conners. About time.”

“Hmm.” Nathan didn’t bother replying, knowing that Sonny didn’t expect — or want — an answer.

“You got visitors. I’ll send them back.”

Nathan’s fingers fumbled on the last button and he drew his head up sharply but the coach was already gone. Damn. It had to be Brian and Matty; he had seen them in their seats earlier. But he wasn’t sure if he was ready to deal with Matty one-on-one yet. What would he say to him? What had Catherine told him?

He didn’t have time to wonder more than that before Matty’s excited voice broke through the grunts and groans that floated through the locker room. Nathan forced a smile on his face and turned to greet Matty and Brian; the smile turned real at the laughter in Matty’s voice when he ran up to him and stopped just short of giving Nathan a hug.

“Geez, Nathan, you look like somebody whupped you good!”

“Yeah? Then you must not have been watching very close.” Nathan reached out and ruffled Matty’s hair, surprised at how good it was to see him again, surprised at how much he had missed him. It wasn’t a good sign. He drew his hand back and met Brian’s eyes, trying to read the expression hidden behind the doctor’s glasses. “Doc. Nice to see you again.”

“Nathan.” Brian nodded a short greeting then inclined his head to Nathan’s leg. “Looks like things got a little rough out there tonight. How’s that knee holding up?”

“Fine. Good.” He shifted uncomfortably, unsure about what to say. “So, um, how were the seats? Everything okay?”

“The seats were cool. The best ones yet,” Matty answered. He tilted his head and fixed Nathan with a curious gaze. “Mom didn’t want to come, though.”

“Matthew!” Brian’s harsh whisper echoed around them. Nathan guessed that Matty had been told not to bring up his mom but it was inevitable. Nathan waved Brian’s correction away.

“No, it’s okay.” He turned to face Matty, trying not to squirm under the kid’s clear gaze. “I didn’t really think your mom would come, even though I hoped…well, I didn’t think she’d be able to make it. She’s probably busy and all.”

“She’s not busy, she just didn’t want to come.”

“Oh. Um, yeah, well, you know how it goes.” Nathan took a deep breath, surprised at the pain that sliced through him with the brutally honest words. “So. Your mom knows you’re here?”

“Yeah. But Uncle Brian had to really talk her into letting me come. And she didn’t want us to come back here, either, but I made Uncle Bri bring me.”

“Matty, I think we should probably leave now —”

“No. No, it’s okay.” Nathan straightened, tearing his gaze away from Matty’s, away from the confusion in the boy’s eyes. He shifted his attention to the gym bag on the bench beside him and absently shoved some things into it, needing a minute to sort through the jumbled thoughts whirling in his mind.

Catherine didn’t want to come to the game because she didn’t want to see him. Nathan supposed he really hadn’t expected anything different. But she let Matty come, though she didn’t want her son seeing him, either. Nathan had no idea what to make of that, if it was a good thing or a bad thing. Hell, he probably shouldn’t read anything into it, especially if Brian had talked her into letting Matty attend. He should just cut his losses before anything else happened, move on. Get over it. Get a life. Something. Anything.

“How come you don’t like my mom anymore?”

Nathan’s head shot up at the soft question, so full of misery his breath caught in his chest.
Oh, damn.
This was exactly what he hadn’t wanted. How the hell was he supposed to answer a question like that?

Nathan looked at Brian and saw the discomfort on the doctor’s face. “Brian, could you give us a minute here?”

“Yeah, sure.”

He watched the doctor walk away then sat on the bench and motioned for Matty to sit next to him, trying to find the right words as the two of them got comfortable. Nathan took a deep breath and let it out slowly, wondering exactly what Catherine had told Matty and what he should say.

“Um, why do you think I don’t like your mom anymore?”

“Because you never come around and do things. Mom said you guys weren’t friends anymore.”

“Oh. Um, well, yeah. Maybe.” Nathan cleared his throat and tried to figure out how to explain adult relationships to a nine-year-old boy. “Have you ever been friends with someone before then not been friends?”

Matty seemed to consider that for a minute then slowly nodded. Nathan breathed in a sigh of relief, thinking maybe this would be easier than he thought. “Well, it’s kinda like that I guess. Your mom and I were friends, and now we’re, um…not.”

“Oh. How come?”

“How come?” Nathan repeated the question stupidly. So much for easy. “Well, I guess we just had different ideas…I mean, well, we just like different things. I guess.”

Matty nodded, as if he understood exactly. He sat on the bench, bent over with his hands clasped loosely between his legs. Like Nathan. Seconds ticked around them and Nathan used the time to clear the lump forming in his throat.

“So just because you and Mom aren’t friends anymore doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, does it? ’Cuz I still want to be friends.” Matty’s voice was thick with misery and he choked back tears. Simple words, spoken with a boy’s innocent honesty. Pain ripped through Nathan’s chest. He didn’t think, just acted, reached out and put his arm around Matty’s thin shoulders and pulled him closer, the lump in his throat growing bigger and choking him as Matty slumped against his shoulder.

“I still want to be friends, too, kiddo.” Nathan had never spoken truer words but in some deep part of him, he knew he was setting them both up for a hard fall. A clean break would be easier for both of them. He couldn’t bring himself to do it, couldn’t bring himself to hurt Matty that way.

He had no idea what to do next, or what to say, but as Matty’s arms came around him in an innocent hug and tears seeped through Nathan’s shirt, he realized he didn’t care. He would do anything for the boy in his arms, and if that meant finding a way to stay friends in spite of Catherine, then so be it.

The look of sympathy on Brian’s face when he came in a few minutes later told Nathan that it was going to be one hell of a lot easier said than done.

“Stay away from my son!”

Nathan blinked at the tornado of fury that hurtled through the partially opened front door. He stared dumbly at the empty hallway then turned to face Catherine, who was now standing behind him. Her hands were fisted on her slim hips and her breathing was heavy with the indignant anger that flashed across her face. He slammed the door shut, his own temper simmering.

He was not in the mood for this. Maybe in five minutes, when the double dose of pain medication kicked in, he might be able to handle it, but not right now.

“Do you hear me? Stay away from Matty!”

“Yeah, I hear you. The whole damn building hears you. Anything else you want to scream while you’re at it?” Nathan pushed by Catherine and went down the hallway to his bedroom. He needed to pack, to get his things together so he could collapse for a few hours’ rest before leaving for Pittsburgh.

His knee was on fire, his nose throbbed and the cut beneath his eye stung. Every single bruise acquired during the last game had been awakened during this afternoon’s practice. He had been looking forward to the relative peace of his condo and now he wasn’t going to get even that.

“I told you I didn’t want you near him, but you had to see him anyway, didn’t you? All day he’s been slinking around the house, heartbroken and near tears because he thinks you’re his friend!” Catherine’s voice followed him into his room. Nathan turned and ran into her, she was so close behind him. He stepped around her and pulled clothes from his dresser drawer.

“Yeah, well, I’d like to think I am.”