Finding Evan (10 page)

Propping her head on her hand, elbow on the table, Ness studies me. “Last year, when we met. Why didn’t I like you?”

“There were lots of reasons.”

She smiles weakly. “When you said you forgot about having sex with girls, I nearly threw up.”

“That was your interpretation! You know now what you thought wasn’t true.”

“Well, you were right about my opinion on men. Especially ones like the Evan I thought you were. Because I’ve come across them before. No respect for women.”

I close my eyes against being put in the same category as the guy who did this to Ness. “That isn’t me, Ness. And I’ve never touched a girl who’s said no…”

“I know you wouldn’t.” She touches my cheek.

“This happened before? With someone like that scum?”

Leaning back in her chair, Ness crosses her arms tightly across her chest. “When I was fifteen, I thought I was all grown up. Me and Abby used to get drunk. Very drunk. And then we hung out with older guys.”

She watches me warily and I can see what’s coming. “One of them attacked you?”

“Not exactly. He hassled me to have sex all the time and I thought I shouldn’t say no. Because then he’d think I was a stupid little girl and tell everyone.”

“Ness…”

“He didn’t do much, we didn’t have sex, but he did more than I wanted. After that, I stopped drinking, or hanging out with guys like him.” She fixes me with her green eyes. “Guys who are only interested in girls for sex.”

The uptight Vanessa I met last year suddenly makes more sense. “No wonder you hated me when I didn’t get in touch after our first night.”

Ness shakes her head. “I made the choice.” She looks back to me. “I was in control.”

The room falls silent; I’ve no idea what to say. My blood pumps heat to my face and anger into my limbs. Two guys, both who hurt Ness.

“Do you blame me?” she asks in a small voice.

“What?”

“You look really pissed off. But I froze – couldn’t stop him.”

“Get the idea out of your head. If anything, you saying this upsets me. You thinking you deserved this somehow.”

Ness drinks, picking at the edge of her sleeve. How shit do I feel? Look at what I’m doing. Again. Giving myself to the wrong person because Lucy refuses to let go. When the person who matters is sitting here feeling let down by her asshole boyfriend. The
realization is blinding and I hold my head in my hands, trying to process how much I’m fucking things up.

“What’s happening, Evan?”

I look up at Ness, her down-turned mouth. After the way I’ve let her down and the way she just opened up to me, I have to do this. Say the words that connect my two worlds together.

“What do you mean?”

“You. Us. Everything is back to being so hard, and so soon. Okay, me not being able to tell you about what happened – that’s wrong of me. But how can I talk to you when I feel like you’re pushing me away?” She pauses. “I know something is going on and I’m hurt because you won’t tell me.”

Did I learn nothing last year? Leeds and life here is a physical escape from the past, but my mind never leaves the times behind. Not speaking to Ness about the Faye situation is leading us down the same path.

I slump back in the chair and rub my hands over my face, before fixing my gaze on the tasseled lampshade above the table. I’ve rehearsed the lines, but now my mind is empty.

“Lucy found our mother,” I tell the lampshade, not Ness.

“Oh, my God, Evan. When?”

Looking back to Ness, her haunted expression has turned to one of wide-eyed concern. “Last month.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispers, grasping hold of my hand. “Why carry this on your own?”

I shake my head, unable to give her the answer because I don’t a hundred percent know myself.

“Have you seen her?”

“No.”

Ness’s eyes widen further at the strength of my tone. “Has Lucy?”

“Yes.”

Ness squeezes my fingers. “I don’t know what to say. You should've told me. How do you feel?”

“The fact I didn’t tell you answers your question. I don’
t
wan
t
to feel anything. I wish Lucy had never found her, and if I pretend long enough, maybe I’ll convince myself this isn’t happening.”

“Evan, you can’t bury this forever.”

“I can try.”

“Is this what’s been happening? You hiding this from me?”

“No, I’m hiding everything from myself by not talking to you about this mess. Faye doesn’t belong in the beautiful world I share with you. I won’t let her in. This wasn’t about you. But yeah, I know I’ve fucked up again by lying...”

Ness pulls her chair around towards mine and places her hands on my legs, looking me in the face. “I wish you’d told me before. We can mend cracks like this, but if you leave them to grow, everything we have will break apart. And I don’t want that happening. Evan, I love you; please don’t shut me out when you need me.”

“I’m learning.”

This is all I can say without breaking down in front of her from the relief there’s still an us, and the fear of what will happen now that I’ve delved back into the closed off part of my mind. Sucking in a breath, holding in my pain, I wrap my arms around Ness and pull her onto my lap, burying my face into her neck. Holding her, relieved. Ness winds her arms around my waist and we sit in silence; the warmth and comfort of the
us
I almost threw away soothing me.

Chapter Fourteen

NESS

I reach out a hand for Evan, but he isn’t in the bed. Rubbing my eyes, I look around the room. His T-shirt is on the floor besides the bed, and I pick it up and bury my face into his scent.

Following his admission last night, I’m not sure what to do or say. Why would he not want to see his mum? He needs to; he’s closing himself down trying to cope with this.

Evan appears in the doorway carrying a plate in one hand and two mugs in the other. His hair sticks in several directions, wearing just jeans and the evidence he spends so much time in the gym in his toned chest and arms. I want him back in my bed now.

“Are you checking me out, Miss Armstrong?” he asks with a mock gasp.

“Yes.”

He grins and puts the plate and cups on my drawers. “Want a closer look?”

I giggle and wriggle under the bedclothes as he slides into bed next to me. Leaning over, he pushes hair from my face and kisses me softly on the forehead. “I hate fighting, Ness, but can’t deny the make-up sex is awesome.”

I place a hand on his chest. “You promised we’d go out somewhere today. If you start this now, we’ll never leave the house.”

“Oh, okay.” Evan draws me to him and I lie against the chest I admired moments ago; his heart thumps against my cheek. He strokes my arm with feather-light touches, the way he does when he’s distracted.

“I think you should see her,” I tell him.

His touch stops. “Who?”

“Your mum. Even if you only see her once. I can see how this is eating you.”

I can’t see his expression from where I’m lying, and he winds his arms around me, squeezing. “I don’t know.”

“Now she’s found; she can’t be lost.” Evan shifts and I turn to face him. “I can come with you?”

“No!”

“Wow, okay. Sorry…”

Evan sits and picks up the two mugs, passing me one. “You know why I don’t want to see her? Because I don’t want another Lucy.”

“How do you know she’s like Lucy?”

“Lucy gave me her number and guess what?”

I shake my head, but I know what he’s about to say.

“She keeps calling me. Only a couple of times, but enough to bring back all the shit from last year.”

Evan’s mind is back to last year, eyes vacant. “This isn’t last year. You’re different. Stronger.” I touch his face. “You’re not alone with any of this.”

“But you understand why I don’t want to see the woman who left me as a five-year-old and never got in touch again.”

The hardness to his voice isn’t what I expected, but this is Evan. Evan who packages up his emotions and buries them. And the little boy he’s talking about is inside.

“Your Dad never explained why?”

“No. It was as if she never existed. I wish she didn’t. I wish she’d died.”

I can’t voice my shock at his words. Surely, he can’t mean this? “She does, Evan. And look at the effect this is having on you by not dealing with the situation. And if you don’t, it will have an effect on us eventually.”

The new pain in his life already has. His out-of-nowhere insecurity about Ollie; the fear I’ll leave him and hurt him. Evan must be able to see the connection?

“Maybe. I’ll think about it.”

“What has Lucy told you about her?”

Evan rubs his forehead. “Not much. I don’t want to know.”

“Is she…like Lucy?”

“I don’t know. I think this is one of the reasons I don’t want her to know me. What if she is?”

“It doesn’t matter; she won’t be your responsibility.”

Evan is silent for a few minutes, drinking his coffee. I poke him. “What are you thinking?”

He turns to me, the lopsided Evan-grin back, thoughts of his mum evidently pushed aside. “I was thinking about having a shower. With you.”

***

NESS

The following Sunday, we drive out to a pub in the town we went to on our first date. Something about going there lifts Evan’s spirits every time, and I love that we’re going somewhere so connected to great memories of ‘us’. Since we spoke last weekend, the times we were together, we didn't revisit what happened. So there’s still much unspoken. Evan’s revelation about his mum nags at my thoughts. I’m worried for him and for what it means for us.

Round wooden tables and leather-covered stools fill the pub, and an open fire burns in a vast fireplace, blasting our cold faces with warm air as we walk inside. Paintings of local scenes adorn the walls, rather than the posters for bands and student nights stuck to the walls of our usual haunts. The place is a mix of tourists and locals, and we’re lucky to find a spare seat.

I sit, and Evan orders meals. He returns with two glasses of Coke and pushes me along the bench seat into the corner. Taking hold of my hand, he rubs the cold away and kisses my fingers.

“Do you know what day it is?” he asks.

“Sunday?”

Something amuses him; he’s fighting down a smile. “Today a year ago?”

“A year ago…” His words click into place. The first time we came here. Shouldn’t I remember, not the guy? “Oh.”

“You forgot!” He gasps in mock-horror and clutches his chest. I’m sure my cheeks turn pink.

“I did. Sorry.” I’m so busy that most of the time I don’t know what day of the week it is
.

“Hmm. Well, I was going to take you on a picnic, but the weather’s too bloody cold. And I think it’s going to snow.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.”

Evan pulls a package from his pocket, a small, flat square box. “I wanted to mark the occasion. I bought this before…well, the fight. So it means more giving this to you now.”

Now I feel bad. “Evan…”

Evan shifts his gaze back to the box. “Open the present.”

I unwrap the purple tissue and pull out the necklace inside. On a long silver chain is a silver pendant: a painting of a blue butterfly beneath domed glass.

“Why do you make me cry in public?” I say, fighting the tears.

“Why do you cry when I do nice things? I think I need to stop being romantic.” He cocks an eyebrow at me.

The emotion of the night at the club, the fight, the fear we were returning to last year engulfs me and the tears flow. I put my hand on the back of his head and my lips on his. “Thank you. This is beautiful.”

Evan’s smile softens the worry transparent in his face recently, and he wipes a tear from my cheek with his thumb. “So are you.”

“Sorry I forgot.” I turn so he can fasten the necklace.

Evan nips my earlobe. “That’s okay; you can make it up to me later,” he whispers, setting a tingle from my neck to my toes.

Our meals arrive and we chat about everything and nothing as we eat. We discussed a lot the other night, but I still think things need straightening out for us to draw a line under recent events.

I set down my fork, unable to hold in my worries. “What happened, Evan?”

“What do you mean?”

“Last year, after I found out about Lucy and we were a couple for those months. There wasn’t any of this jealousy. What changed?”

“What do you mean?”

“We lived our own lives and there wasn’t any of this.”

“You didn’t have all of me then,” he says quietly, “you know that.”

“So why does this make things different?”

Evan studies my face, eyes searching mine as if deliberating whether he’s about to say the wrong thing. “Fear, Ness.”

“Of what?”

He taps his fingers on the table. “As a little kid, I was never scared of heights. Me and my mates climbed the tallest trees we could find and would sit up for hours watching everyone pass. And occasionally, throwing things at people.” He grins. “When I was eight, one kid fell and broke his arm. He screamed in agony, and I couldn’t help him because I froze and hung onto the branch. For the first time ever, I was afraid of what would happen if I fell.”

I rub my head, confused. “Why are you telling me this?”

“I’ve avoided heights since that day; I’m always worried I’ll fall and break something. It’s the same with you. I fall for you every day, and although I’m not scared of being in love with you, I'm afraid of getting broken.”

Eloquent Evan, the deep thinking guy I forget he is sometimes. “So now we’re serious; you’re going to be like this?”

“I’m learning, Ness. This is new to me. Giving my heart to someone wholly is terrifying. It’s not because I don’t trust you. Like I say, I’m scared.”

“I know. How I feel about you scares me sometimes too. But you’ll push me away if you can’t trust me. And this hiding things from me – we won’t work if you do.”

“I know.” He inhales. “But I felt like you were pushing me away, so that made it harder to say anything.”

“How?”

“Your studies. I know they’re important, but sometimes it’s as if you don’t have room in your life for anything outside of them. You don’t really do anything else. We hardly see each other.
I think I’m as jealous of your studying as I am of your friends.” He pauses, pushing his food around his plate. “So I thought I’d just deal with the situation on my own.”

“But you’re not dealing with what’s happening. Look at how hiding this ate away at us. I’m here to support you because I love you; you should know this. And I’m sorry.” I smile wryly at the memory of a conversation last week.

“What’s funny?”

“It’s ironic you saying this, because Ollie said the same thing to me last week. That I’m too obsessed with my course. But this is me. I have to learn to not be the perfectionist I was at high school. Because this is different.”

“Huh. I never thought I’d agree with him on something.”

“So I am going to make more us time.” I squeeze his hand.

Evan strokes my cheek. “I thought we’d fucked this up. My head was a mess.”

“I’m not surprised. But if you’d told me…”

“I was in denial. I need to confront how finding Faye makes me feel and put her behind me. Then move on. So, you’re right. I need to see her.” His words sound rehearsed.

Evan returns to his food, shutting down the subject, and he blinks away whatever thoughts are in his mind. And as always, I know when to leave things. I know what he needs from me at this moment.

I place my hand over his and squeeze his fingers. “I understand so much more now. Anyone else but you and I’d have given up. But this is different. You’re different. When I’m with you, everything feels right. As if you’re meant to be there. As if you were missing all along.”

Evan smiles weakly, but the shine returns to his eyes. “That’s exactly how I feel.”

“Maybe I need to show you more. Sorry.”

“More days together would help, yeah?” he suggests.

I kiss his nose. “More openness too?”

“From both of us.” He closes his fingers around mine.

***

EVAN

The clouds that gathered over the last few weeks are blown away by opening up; accepting the unsaid hovering between us, a relief. My fear that Ness wouldn’t accept both of us contributed to the confusion was unfounded, but I guess the real test will come in what happens next. Can we change?

“We should talk about Christmas instead,” Ness says.

“Christmas?”

“Are you coming to stay? Remember I said my parents invited you a few weeks ago?”

“I’m not sure.” I’m uncomfortable there; I’ve met her parents a couple of times and got the impression they were surprised she chose to be with me. But the idea of not seeing Ness for the whole Christmas break doesn’t appeal.

“Staying at the mansion?” I ask, my gentle sarcasm betraying what she knows lies beneath.

“I do not live in a mansion!”

“Compared to my house?”

She gives me the unimpressed look she does when I start comparing my background to hers.

“Well, neither of us live in our parents’ houses, so we’re equal. We both live in terraced houses in a city.”

“I suppose.”

An image of Faye's house appears in my head. Increasingly, my mind drifts back to waiting outside the house for Lucy. Regretting not going inside. Even when Lucy came out and pleaded with me to go and see Faye, I refused. Then when Lucy did climb into the car to go home, the journey passed in silence. I talked about anything and everything so I didn’t have to talk about where Lucy had been.

But now, Ness knows. Faye’s not hidden anymore. Until I see this woman, she isn’t going away. And until she goes away, I can’t move on.