Finding Evan (9 page)

As I open the door, Ollie looks down at me. “Ness, you have to tell Evan about the guy who attacked you.”

“He didn’t attack me!”

“Yes. He did,” says Ollie softly. “I know you think closing down and forgetting about it is how you can cope, but look at the confusion it’s caused between you and Evan. You have to explain. Then he can understand why you’re avoiding talking about the night we went out. And what he imagines is going on with us, really isn’t. Before it’s too late.”

I close the door behind him and consider his words. Shutting Evan out isn’t intentional. I’ve been busy; that’s all. But as I consider this more deeply, I realize I have avoided him. Maybe mine and Evan’s coping strategies aren’t so different after all.

Chapter Twelve

EVAN

What a fucking idiot. I stare in the mirror at the hung-over, tired Evan. My old friend and enemy. Groaning, I turn the shower on and step in, images of last night on constant replay in my mind. Ness. Ollie. Dani. Me. Fuck. When Ness told me to go home and sober up, that really would’ve been the smarter move. Not sinking more pints and ending up in the situation I did.

My head hurts. Not because of the amount of beer I drank, but the amount of shit that’s landed in my life. Summer and security has gone, replaced by winter and doubts. And Faye, who makes everything a thousand times worse. When will I fucking learn?

Should I go and see Ness? Apologize? But I don’t think I could handle seeing them together – if Ollie’s with her. I call instead, and get her voicemail. Several times. Unease creeps into my sick stomach. Ness is ignoring me. Can I blame her? Last night I presented her with a huge reminder of the Evan she hates.

On the fourth time, I leave Ness a message. Ask her to call me. I set a deadline. If I don’t hear from Ness by this evening, I’m going back to Lancaster to lick my wounds and wait. Wait for what, I’m not a hundred percent sure.

***

NESS

Evan’s name flashes on my phone screen again, but I’m too angry to talk to him. I’m shocked by how soon everything has
spiraled downwards. I don’t know what the hell is going on with him. Times like these, I wish I’d allowed myself to connect more with Lucy. Then I’d be able to innocently call her and gauge what’s happening. But I’m wary around her. Partly annoyed over her hold on Evan, and a little because we’ve only got Evan in common.

The last few days, since the night of the cocktail party, my ability to cope with someone else’s emotional baggage has left. I’m focusing on holding myself together; I’m not propping up someone else’s insecurities. If I’m honest, I don’t think Evan would sleep with another girl. From what I’ve learned over the last few months, he’s not the type for petty revenge. The big issue here is he doesn’t trust me. No relationship can survive where doubt and mistrust eat at the edges.

I don’t call him back. Not yet.

***

EVAN

“What are you doing home?”

I look away from the TV to Lucy, who is standing in the doorway between the lounge and kitchen, brow furrowed.

Home?

“I’m taking a break for a couple of days,” I reply.

Lucy’s gaze lands on the beer in my hand. “What’s going on?”

I ignore her, focusing on whatever crap is on the TV I wasn’t watching anyway.

Lucy crosses to sit in the chair opposite and watches me. “Evan?”

“What?” I can’t hide the edge to my voice.

“Did you have a fight with Ness?”

I frown at her, hoping my expression tells her to back off. “Why?”

“Because when things are good between you, you look like the world doesn’t matter. Currently, you look like someone died.”

I snort and swig my beer. A few more of these and I’ll be fine. Happy. Vacant. I pick up the remote and flick channels.

“What did you do?” asks Lucy.

“Me?” I look to her, remote hovering in my hand. “What do you mean?”

“Did you start screwing around again? Because that’s not fair. Ness really loves you, and I thought you loved her…”

Slamming the remote on the table, I glare at Lucy, and she shrinks back in her seat. “Shut up.”

Lucy’s mouth forms an O. “Di
d
sh
e
screw someone?”

The simplicity of Lucy’s world amazes me. Black or white. No grey. “I’m not talking about this.”

Lucy wrinkles her nose, studying me. “I wonder if you’ll split up.”

The words punch me in the gut. Is that what’s happening? Is this more than a fight and things are over between me and Ness? I grip the edge of the sofa. I don’t fucking know, no one gave me an instruction manual for relationships.

The canned laughter from some shitty comedy plays through the room as I sit in silence with my twin. I don't want to talk about this.

“How’s things with you?” I ask Lucy.

“Pretty good. Passed my assignment, which is awesome.” Her face lights up. I’m not surprised; I’ve seen the art Lucy creates with the photos she takes. The girl has talent. “I think I might apply for uni next year.”

“You should.” I smile, genuinely happy for her.

“And I saw Mum again.”

The chilled out feeling I had just switched to frozen. Muscles rigid, I don’t respond. The laughter from the TV continues; the atmosphere in the room turns to ice. I came here to escape shit, not be landed with more.

“Aren’t you curious?” asks Lucy.

“No.”

“I want to talk to you about Mum.”

“Forget it, Lucy.”

To my surprise, Lucy stands and moves between me and the TV. “She wants to see you.”

My chest tightens, and I fight down my irritation. I’ve come here to escape. Unwind.

“I don’t care.” I stand too, unable to get into this with her. “I’m going to bed.”

Lucy steps forward, reaching out to me. “Evan…”

I push her arm. “I don’t want to know! Just leave it.”

The flashing in my mind I get when Lucy trips the switch begins. But this time, the anger and frustration isn’t about her, this is caused by her.

“You can’t hide from this forever,” she says in a low voice as I leave the room.

I don’t want to shout at her, so I need to get out of the room. “If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here.” I speak the words to the door frame, the cracked paint and splintering wood.

Yeah, I wouldn’t be here. On so many levels.

Chapter Thirteen

NESS

Evan doesn’t call again and the situation intensifies in my mind. Has he given up? However pissed off I am with him over the whole Ollie thing, we have to be worth more than this? He has explaining to do, and so do I. After a few days we should’ve both calmed down.

Throwing myself into studying and not thinking about this screw-up is okay when I’m busy, but the moment my brain gets quiet time, Evan is there. His hands on the girl; his hurt when he drunkenly approached me and Ollie. Gradually, my mind replaces the drunken idiot from the other night with the Evan who looks at me as if I’m his whole world. I don’t want us to give up again.

After a couple of days of phone silence, I call him. It’s mid-morning, so hopefully no chance he’s been drinking.

“Hey, Ness.” His voice is sheepish and tired; I’m relieved his tone isn’t cold.

“I think we need to talk.”

“Straight to the point as ever.”

“Are you busy later? Can we meet after I finish class?”

His pause flips my stomach. I could’ve misread his friendliness.

“I’m in Lancaster.”

“Lancaster? It’s the middle of the week.”

“I had to get away for a few days.”

“When are you coming back?”

“I’ll come back tonight if you want to talk?” he suggests.

The sick feeling subsides. Why is he back there? Another facet of the old Evan sneaking in: running.

“Is Lucy okay?”

“This isn’t about Lucy. It’s about me. Us. After the other night.”

“Let’s not get into this now. Call me when you get back to Leeds.”

“Sure.”

The silence that follows our terse conversation is one where we wait for each other to say something. Acknowledge each other as more than acquaintances speaking on the phone. I end the call with a ‘see you later’. Anything more would be revealing too much.

***

NESS

Jared and Abby are snuggled on the sofa when I get home that evening. I drop my bag on the floor and pull a sour face at Jared. I told Abby what I saw the other night, and she’s still seeing him. What is wrong with the girl? I haven’t seen him since the MedSoc night and he knows I saw too. He’s charming and funny, and I’m surprised by how many girls fall for his flattery. I hoped Abby had opened her eyes to him. Obviously not.

“I didn’t expect to see you,” I tell Jared.

His smile doesn’t leave. “Abby asked me over.”

I arch an eyebrow at Abby. “Yeah?”

In return, she purses her lips, warning me to be quiet. Yeah, all well and good until I’m the one picking up the pieces.

“Well, I hope you know what you’re doing.” I stalk into the kitchen.

Evan called an hour ago, and he’s coming over. I’d hoped we’d be alone, but looks like Abby got the lounge room first. Why does this have to be an evening Abby stays home? She joins me in the kitchen and I give her my ‘what are you doing with him?’ look. The one I get in return suggests she doesn’t want to talk about the situation.

“Evan’s coming over,” I say, and pull a couple of beers from the fridge.

“So you’re talking?”

“We have stuff to talk about.”

“Good, you can stop sulking.”

“I a
m
no
t
sulking.”

“Right.” She leans into the fridge and grabs a couple of beers too.

“Can you go out, Abby? So I can talk to him?”

She sets the beers on the kitchen bench. “If you promise me you’re going to sort this out. You’re such a pain in the backside when you guys fight.”

I resist the urge to comment on what a pain in the backside she is every few weeks when her latest relationship fails. “We will.” I hope.

Glancing behind her, Abby picks up the bottles and puts them back in the fridge. “I wish I had an Evan,” she says softly.

“What?”

“Not your Evan, silly! Just a guy like him.”

Abby knows everything about him. Us. The events of the last year. Abby deserves an Evan; she just has a knack for picking Jareds. “I would’ve thought you’d find someone like him too much hard work?”

“His good outweighs his bad. You just need your heads banging together. Hard.”

“Which is why I haven’t given up.”

Abby knocks me on the head. “Sort this out. You two are cracked, not broken.” She pauses. “Don’t push him away, Ness. He loves you. I know you like to be your own person, but I think you need to give a bit more of yourself to him.”

I dismiss her comment, but a niggling part of me thinks she's right. Am I still holding myself back?

Someone knocks and my heart speeds up in response. Why am I anxious about this? Voices drift into the kitchen as Jared lets Evan into the house. Butterflies flit around my stomach and Abby pokes me.

“Sort things out; we’ll go.” She leaves the kitchen. “Hey, Evan!”

“Yeah. Hi.”

I smile at his confusion over Abby’s warm welcome.

“C’mon, Jared, you can take me out tonight.” She grabs Jared’s jacket and throws it at him. He takes the jacket and follows her, looking confused. Maybe she has got the measure of him.

The door slams behind them and I look to Evan. He’s pale; the haunted look he carried last year is back. Surely not just because of me? But how can I help if I don’t know what’s going on with him? His eyes are wary as he hovers in the doorway. I cross my arms and rest against the kitchen bench.

“Hey, Ness...”

“Sober today?”

Evan stares at the ground. “Sorry.”

“For?”

“Being a dickhead.”

I laugh softly. “Glad you’re admitting it.”

He turns his gaze back to me, the open honesty in his eyes pulling me to him. “I shouldn’t have accused you of something like that. Sorry.”

“So you believe me?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

Evan rubs his face with his hands, pushes his fingers through his hair. “I don’t want to fuck this up, Ness.”

I’ve thought about his behavior a lot since the other night. Tried to figure out how the guy I tell I love everyday can so easily accuse me of wanting someone else. I know he’s insecure, but this is stupid. I was ready to be furious with him, even tell him to back off completely. But now that I’m with him, I see the broken Evan is here. And I want to fix us.

I drop my shoulders, giving in to how much I love this guy. “Okay. Let’s talk.”

***

EVAN

Ness takes a beer from the bench and passes the bottle to me. Then she takes one of her own, before sitting at the dining table. Her hands shake as she opens the bottle, worrying me further. Is this the end? All I wanted to do since I walked through the door is hold her. Explain about stupid Dani.

“What’s going on with you?” she asks, fixing me with a tired look.

“Going on?”

Ness sighs. “No more secrets. Tell me what’s happening and why you’re hiding stuff from me again.”

My scalp prickles as I meet her expectant look. This wasn’t what I expected when I came here. Anger, fights, recriminations. But Ness sees through me, as she always does. I wasn’t going to do this now. Tell her. A memory of the day Ness discovered Lucy’s phone calls, and how that turned everything to shit, pushes me to open my mouth. But a different voice inside screams at me not to say the words. Because as soon as Ness knows, I can’t deny Faye is part of my life again.

I twist the bottle in my hands. “I thought we were going to talk about the other night?”

“The other night is part of what’s happening, isn’t it? Drunk Evan? Old Evan.” She pauses. “The girl.”

“I wasn’t planning on doing anything, Ness. I went back to see Matt after I saw you…with Ollie. Yeah, I had more to drink, but I could only think about you. I’m not interested in one-night stands with random girls. The day you kissed me was the day I never wanted another girl.”

The words flood out, unspoken but circling in my mind for the past few days. There’s so much more I want to say, but can’t. Such as, I think she needs to explain why she shut down on me so easily. I want to ask her why she’s pushing me away. I know I’m not being honest with her about my situation, but if I felt closer to her, maybe it would be easier to say something. I don’t know. I’m so fucking confused.

“I believe you,” she says, “because I have more faith and trust in you than you obviously have in me.”

“I do trust you.”

“Then why are you accusing me of things? With Ollie? Do you really think that little of me?” she says, voice barely audible.

“The night I went away and you went to the MedSoc thing…when I saw Ollie the next day, he acted strangely – avoided looking at me and stuff. And said I should ask you. As if somethin
g
di
d
happen between you.”

“Nothing happened! I just got really drunk and he had to bring me home. I could hardly stand up.”

“But if you were really drunk, did you...I mean…I don’t know. Why did he come and see you the next day?”

“Because he’s my friend and he was concerned about me!”

I inhale, drink, and pick at the label on my bottle.

“Evan?”

I fix my eyes on hers. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

“You’re wrong, and even if you were right, I don’t want him. I want you. Evan, you have to understand I can’t deal with you doubting me like this. Or reacting like you did.”

“Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way,” I say.

“What doesn’t?"

In my days away from Ness, thoughts have circled around my mind. I know we’re not holidaying in Europe anymore, but I feel the gap between us is bigger than just the one I’ve created.

“Once in a while, I feel as if you don’t want me to get close to you. You can be so cold sometimes.” I don’t know if I should say this, scared of upsetting her, but she always
criticizes me for keeping things hidden.

She stares at the table and I wince, waiting for her to get upset. “I can’t help it; I’ve always held back from people. I guess it’s a family thing.”

I reach a hand across the table. “Family things that affect the ability to open up to other people? Sounds familiar.”

Ness
looks away, and I don’t think she entirely agrees with me.

“Okay, if nothing happened apart from you getting drunk, I believe you and I’m sorry,” I say.

Her silence panics me; please don’t let her come clean when I’ve just reassured myself I was wrong. Why won’t she meet my eyes?

“Okay. Something else happened…not to do with Ollie. I wasn’t going to tell you because it’s nothing.”

“What? What happened?”

The
color drains from Ness’s face and her hand trembles further. “I got drunk. This guy came onto me when I could hardly stand up.”

Adrenaline spikes my heart rate. “What do you mean came onto you?”

Her eyes tear up, and I don’t know if I want to hear this. “He wouldn’t take no for an answer. Got physical with me. Ollie interrupted.”

Ollie just went up in my estimation. “Physical. How physical?”

She shakes her head and stares at her hands. “Nothing bad.”

“Of course it was bad! If he put his hands on you!”

“I shouldn’t have got so drunk…”

Is she defending him? “Doesn’t matter how drunk you were.” A thought crosses my mind. “Was he a med student? Have you seen him since?”

The head shaking continues and a tear drips onto the table. Shit. This has to be worse than she’s telling me. I kneel on the floor so I can see her face. “Ness, why didn’t you say anything?”

I’m juggling my mounting fury and tearing heart. Someone hurt Ness. And if I find the scum, I’ll fucking hurt them too.

“I’d rather forget what happened. It was nothing.”

“Stop saying that.”

“It wasn’t like he raped me or anything…”

Relief edges in, but the anger doesn’t edge out. “I hope Ollie fucking punched him.”

Ness scrubs away a tear. “Like that would’ve helped.”

I sit back on my heels and a
realization washes over me. “This is my fault.”

“What?”

“I wasn’t there.”

“No, Evan, that’s a stupid way of thinking about the situation.”

“I wasn’t there. I let you down.”

Ness touches my face. “No, really. This is one of the reasons why I didn’t want to tell you, because I knew you’d react like this. That you’d blame yourself for not being around, and I don’t want that. It’s over with. Done. These things happen.”

I stare at her, mouth open. “How can you say this? Make what he did sound okay?”

Ness chews a nail. She never chews her nails. “Because I didn’t move when he started...touching me. I froze. He probably got the wrong idea.”

Something in Ness’s face, and the faraway look in her green eyes, hits me. “This. Has something happened before?”