Finding Faith (11 page)

Faith

Wow. I’d finally had a taste of
what I’d been missing and I wasn’t sure I’d ever be the same again.
I couldn’t even believe I’d been so open about wanting to kiss
Finn. Maybe having an excuse to do so made it easier, but once my
lips were on his and he kissed me back, I was changed. When he
stepped away from me and went back to work on his poster, I knew I
was a different girl.

I’d only been kissed once in my
life, but I was positive no other kiss would top that one. I may
never be more than a friend to Finn, and I may live a boring life
until I’m married to someone equally boring, but at least I had
that moment. It was almost as if Finn’s kiss had given me the
courage to face the uneventful life that was laid before
me.

Things got weird then. Finn stayed
quiet while I made posters for the car wash. At one point my dad
came in and asked if Finn could come in on an off day and help with
cleaning the rock patch out front for a new parking lot the church
was getting. He agreed, which meant I’d be going to church on a
Thursday after school instead of doing homework. It was strange
actually being excited about going there.

The following day I went to the
church with my dad. I lied again and said there was stuff I needed
to do in the kids’ room. In reality, I sat at the window and
watched as Finn helped shovel the rocks into a big container the
church rented.

Every now and again, he’d use his
shirt to wipe the sweat from his face and I’d get a view of his
stomach. He was so beautiful—sculpted by the hand of God. There
could be no other reason for such perfection. He might be a
full-blown sinner, but his eyes were made of heaven and when he
looked at me, there was warmth that I’d never known.

I’d been so lost in my thoughts
that I didn’t even realize when Finn disappeared. I stood on
tiptoes and angled my head in different directions trying to see
where he went, but he was nowhere to be found.

“
Do you always stalk people from
the church windows?” he whispered from behind me.

I spun around so quickly that I
lost my balance and he had to catch me. His body felt hot against
mine and his drenched T-shirt stuck to the front of my simple white
blouse.

“
I… I wasn’t,” I
stuttered

“
Uh-huh. So you always sit at the
windows for an hour, staring out?” he slid his arm down my side and
I felt it in my knees.

“
I wasn’t,” I said
clearly.

“
Okay, if you say so, but let me
ask you something. Do you like looking at me, Faith?”

His eyes slipped to my mouth and I
sucked in an excited breath. I silently begged that he would kiss
me again. I ached to feel his mouth on my mine. I liked the way he
was looking at me and the way he felt so close against my
body.

I was going to go straight to hell
when I took my last breath. What kind of person sat in a church
room and fantasized about a man? I had to admit it to myself; I was
definitely fantasizing about Finn.

“
I wa—” I started.

He ran his thumb across my lips,
stopping my words. His eyes penetrated mine as he took slow, deep
breaths. He moved his other hand, adjusting it on my
ribs.

“
Don’t say you weren’t. You were.
I saw you. And you know what? I liked it. I liked it almost as much
as I like looking at you.”

I swallowed the moan that rose in
my throat.

“
You like looking at me?” The
words barely came out.

His fingers spread into my hair,
making my scalp tingle.

“
Very much. As happy as I am that
I won’t have to come back to this church in a couple of weeks, I’m
sad that I won’t be able to look at you anymore. You make coming
here tolerable.”

His words were too much, too sweet,
and I couldn’t help but close my eyes and melt into him once his
hand started massaging the back of my hairline. He was giving me
something I hadn’t known I needed. I’d never needed to be close to
someone else. I’d never needed pretty words. I’d accepted my future
of being stuck with a man of God who was passionate as a stick. But
Finn had me rethinking that future. Maybe I wasn’t as wholesome and
good as Daddy said I was. Maybe I was more sinner than I realized
and maybe I liked being that way.

He pressed his lips to the corner
of my mouth and I waited for him to press them against my lips
again, but the kiss never came. Slowly I opened my eyes to find him
staring back at me with a confused look on his face. He shook his
head a bit and then stepped away. My body felt too heavy and I
almost dropped from the extra weight on my knees.

“
What is it?” I rasped.

My voice sounded different. Not
young and inexperienced, but heavy with lust and greed. I wanted
him to kiss me. I wanted it badly.

“
This is wrong,” he simply
stated.

He looked so unaffected by me that
it stung a little. However, he was right. What we were doing was
wrong and I was glad he had enough self-control to pull away from
me since I didn’t think I could ever pull away from him.

I put my head down so he couldn’t
see my disappointment, tucked my hair behind my ear, and cleared my
throat.

“
You’re right. I’m
sorry.”

I had the sudden urge to cry. I was
sick of being denied the things I wanted in my life. I was sick of
always wondering what something was like. I’d had a taste of Finn
and all it did was make the urge worse.

Why was this happening to me? I’d
been good my entire life. I lived the way Daddy taught me was the
right way. I went to church and said my prayers every chance I got.
How was I able to allow such sinful impulses to take over me? The
devil was working overtime on me, and I had the feeling that if I
didn’t stop myself soon, I’d do something that I couldn’t undo and
taint my soul.

Just thinking of my soul, I
clutched at my cross and took slow, deep breaths.

“
Don’t be sorry. This was my
fault. I’m the sinner, remember?” He smiled, but it didn’t reach
his eyes. “I’m going back outside. I just came in for a break. I’ll
see you around, okay?”

I nodded my answer and said nothing
as he stepped away and left the room.

The following day, Friday, I went
to the church again with Daddy and again, I sat at the window and
watched Finn work. It was sad how mixed up in him I was. Perhaps it
had something to do with that life-altering kiss—my first kiss.
Maybe it was because he was so different than everything around me
and a nice change of pace. Either way, I couldn’t stop
myself.

This time, I only looked when his
back was to me. I didn’t want to take the chance of him catching me
staring again. It was hotter than the day before, and he and the
other guy who was working on clearing out the rocks were drenched
in sweat.

His shirt stuck to his body and
begged to be taken off. I wanted to see what was under there. I
wanted to see if there were more tattoos and piercings. I wanted it
more than a cold glass of iced tea on a hot day. And then, as if
hearing my thoughts, he reached down and pulled his shirt up and
over his head.

If I’d thought that his body looked
shapely under his clothing, I really had no idea what I was
thinking. With his shirt gone, I could see every ripple; every move
his body made was emphasized in the muscles that moved beneath his
skin. There was a tattoo on his right shoulder blade that I
couldn’t make out, and when he turned toward where I stood, I
didn’t hide this time.

My eyes were glued to him. From his
hard chest, down over his ribs and abdominal muscles, and past the
light dusting of dark hair beneath his belly button. He took my
breath away and I felt funny. My breasts felt heavy and sensitive.
There was a deep tingling sensation that ran from my stomach into
the lower parts of my body and past my thighs.

When I looked back up, he was
staring back at me with an angry expression. He picked up his shirt
and pulled it roughly over his head. Spearing his shovel into the
dirt so it stood on his own, he walked toward the
church.

Quickly, I moved away from the
window and spun around. When I did, I ran into my dad. He towered
over me with knowing eyes.

“‘
But I say to you that everyone
who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed
adultery with her in his heart.’ Matthew 5:28. I think these days
that goes for men as well. Don’t let me catch you lusting after
that boy again, Faith,” he said with tight lips. “Thankfully, he
won’t be here much longer. Now come on. Stephen’s here and wants to
talk to you.”

My cheeks flamed with
embarrassment. Daddy never talked about sex or lust. Hearing him
say the word made me feel sick to my stomach. I nodded my
understanding and followed behind him. We barely made it to the
door to leave when Stephen walked in.

His brassy auburn hair looked
redder in the sunlight and the sun glinted off of his braces when
he smiled at me. He really was a nice guy, but I couldn’t, no
matter how hard I tried to make myself, like him.

“
Everyone okay in here?” he asked
my dad with a smile.

“
Yes, sir, just coming to get our
girl,” my dad said as he clapped me roughly on the back before he
stepped away and left the room.

“
Sorry. I hope I wasn’t
interrupting your work, but my mother said you were here today and
since I didn’t get your number on our last date, I thought I’d stop
by and ask you if you wanted to grab a bite to eat since it’s
dinner time.”

His smile was too friendly—his eyes
not filled with any emotion whatsoever. I wondered to myself if my
eyes looked the same to Finn when he first met me. Did they still
look like that?

I didn’t want to go. Honestly, I
would’ve enjoyed sitting home and laying my hand on the hot stove
more than I would going out with him again, but I knew I had to. I
couldn’t lie and say I had plans because my dad would mess that up.
I had no choice but to go and pretend to enjoy myself.

“
Sure.” My face felt stiff when I
smiled.

We turned toward the door to leave,
and Finn was standing in the doorway.

“
Hey. Where you guys headed?” he
asked as he dried his hands on some paper towels from the
bathroom.

“
We were just going to grab some
dinner,” Stephen said with a friendly smile.

An odd expression flashed across
Finn’s face before it cleared quickly and he sent me his signature
grin. The expression came and went so fast that it was as if I’d
seen things.

“
Well, have fun.” His smile was
false. Something was definitely off. “Don’t do anything I would
do.”

His eyes locked with mine as
if he were begging me for something. In my imagination, I heard him
say,
Please don’t go with him. Go with me.
Be with me.
I almost pulled him to the
side and asked him if he was okay.

“
All ready?” Stephen asked as he
slipped his hand in mine.

The gesture made me blush and my
cheeks felt hot. Finn looked Stephen up and down and briefly, anger
flashed in his eyes. What the heck was his problem
anyway?

I smiled at Finn as Stephen led me
past him out the door of the kids’ room. Finn reached out and
grabbed my other hand, prompting me to turn back and look at him.
There was a crushed look in his eyes before he quickly dropped it
back to my side. Stephen saw nothing, but when I passed my dad’s
office, he was standing at the door and his expression told me had
hadn’t missed Finn’s little display.

Eight

Finn

I couldn’t take it anymore. I had
days left at the church and the way that Faith was eye-fucking me
from the window was making me insane. She couldn’t know she was
doing it, which made it ten times worse. She wanted me and she
didn’t even understand she did.

All sex stuff aside, the crazy part
was I was pretty sure I was falling for her. I couldn’t even
believe I was thinking that, but I was. I could tell by the way I
felt when I was around her. I’d never felt that way before and I
wasn’t sure I liked it too much. My mind had never been so absorbed
with one girl. She was all I could think about. It was making
writing songs for the band hell. Everything came out sounding like
an eighties love ballad.