Finding Faith (9 page)

“
It’s just go figure your dad
would set you up with some church boy once I came around. Touché,
big preacher man,” he said to no one as he shook his
head.

He wasn’t making any
sense.

“
What do you mean?” I leaned
against the counter and crossed my arms.

“
Nothing. I
think this is a great idea. I bet he’s really nice and
clean
.”

He was and I hated that he was. I
hated even more that Finn thought I could only get a nice, clean
boy. And even worse was that Finn was probably going to see him at
Sunday’s sermon and I could only imagine the jokes he was going to
make just to be a smarty pants.

“
There’s nothing wrong with a
nice, clean guy, Finn. Actually, I’d prefer them that
way.”

The moment the words left my lips,
his face dropped. I wasn’t sure if it was being around Finn or
what, but I lied so easily and I hated it. I didn’t prefer any kind
of guy, but I knew I liked Finn, which was dumb on my part since it
was totally obvious that he didn’t feel the same.

He moved quickly and pinned me
against the back wall. Kids’ drawings stuck to my back and a
picture of a cross covered in hard macaroni noodles dug into my
arm. I sucked in a shocked breath.

“
Opposed to a guy like me, huh?”
He stuffed his hands in my hair and forced me to look up at him.
Stormy bluish-gray eyes stared back at me from under dark lashes.
“Are you going to hide behind pretty boys with clean thoughts all
your life? Because I know you’re not the saint your daddy thinks
you are. I saw the hot look in your eyes when you thought I was
going to kiss you. I know you secretly dream of dirty boys with
filthy thoughts.” His eyes dropped to my mouth briefly and I held
my breath. “I’ll tell you what… When you decide you can handle a
real man, let me know.”

He released me quickly and stepped
away. Cold air replaced his heat and left chills in his
wake.

No one had ever talked to me like
that. I felt disgusted. Not because of his words or the fact that I
could feel his arousal through his jeans when he was pressed
against me, but because it was the most riveting thing that ever
happened to me. It was a rush, but I felt my high spiraling down
the farther away he got from me. He was right. Maybe I wasn’t as
holy as I’d tried to be my entire life.

We barely talked the rest of the
time in the kitchen. He sat in the corner and cut his nails with a
pocket knife while I pulled out the cookies when they were done.
Once they cooled, we wrapped them in plastic wrap with little
yellow bows tied around them. When that was done, we said our
goodnights and my dad signed his paper for him to leave.

I watched him walk to his mom’s car
as I followed my mom and dad to ours. Once he was inside, he looked
back at me with an angry expression. I wasn’t sure what had
happened, but then again, I was completely clueless when it came to
guys.

The following Saturday night, I
dressed in my white blouse and another dreaded khaki skirt. Once I
was done getting dressed, my mom and dad sat in the living room
with me as I waited for Stephen to pick me up. I actually felt
nervous, and every time my dad turned the page of his newspaper, I
jumped. He looked at me over his reading glasses like I was crazy
before finally setting down his paper.

“
Faith, I know I haven’t really
allowed you to do much, but if I kept you away from things, it was
because I worried for your safety. It’s a cruel world out there and
believe it or not, there are people out there who would love
nothing more than to taint such a precious girl like you. I feel
good about Stephen. He’s a nice boy and he comes from a nice
God-fearing family.”

I couldn’t think of anything to say
back. “I know, Daddy,” I squeaked.

Headlights filled our front window
and the butterflies in my stomach fought to escape. Within seconds,
the doorbell rang and my parents met Stephen at the door and asked
him to come in.

I sat quietly in the corner chair
as my father talked Stephen to death. He talked until we barely had
time to make it to the movie. It almost felt like he did it on
purpose, like giving Stephen and me less time together would
prevent us from doing anything sinful.

As I looked over at Stephen in the
car on the way to the movie, I couldn’t see him even thinking
sinful thoughts, much less doing anything unbecoming. Finn, on the
other hand, was a walking sin. The way he strutted into a room like
he owned it with his sly grin and amazing dimples. He knew he was
nice to look at. He was prideful and confident and it was like
staring at the sun. I had to admit, I liked basking in his
heat.

The movie Stephen took me to was
G-rated. It was insulting. I was seventeen years old. I had no
business going on a date to see a G-rated movie. It was definitely
something Finn would never hear about. I could practically hear his
laughter.

I took the box of popcorn from
Stephen and he ushered me into the theater. The next two hours of
my life I spent staring at the screen, but not really watching.
Occasionally, Stephen would ask me a question and I’d nod. I was
probably the most boring date ever, but then again, he was the most
boring date ever so I guess we fit.

I found myself upset over the fact
that I wasn’t enjoying any of it. One night of freedom and there I
was sitting at a kids’ movie with some guy who barely talked to me,
much less looked at me. There were parents and crying babies
everywhere, so if I wanted to watch the movie, I wouldn’t have been
able to hear it anyway. It was a total waste of a night. I could’ve
gotten more enjoyment out of reading.

I’d never been happier to see my
house when we pulled up. Stephen wasted no time getting me home. He
was the perfect guy for my dad. I should’ve been happy about that.
The thought of actually having some form of life outside of church
and school should’ve made my night, but all I could think about was
Finn and how much fun we had, even at church. I could imagine how
much fun he’d be on a date.

Stephen walked me to the front door
at exactly nine o’clock. The automatic porch light came on and
shined directly in my eyes.

“
I had a good time,” he
said.

I was glad he did, but I couldn’t
say the same.

“
Me too,” I lied again.

Lying was becoming easier and
easier. That was either a really bad thing or a really good
thing.

“
Could we do it again?” he
asked.

I’d hoped he wouldn’t ask, but I
couldn’t hurt his feelings. I didn’t want to be mean and say no.
Plus, what would my dad say? Instead, I smiled up at him sweetly
and agreed.

“
Sure.”

His smile was brighter than my
porch light as he leaned in. The thought of kissing him and getting
my mouth stuck to his braces scared me. Thankfully, he softly
pressed his lips to my cheek and pulled away.

“
Goodnight, Faith.”

“
Goodnight, Stephen.”

That night I went to bed with
thoughts of Finn. His unrushed movements, as if the world moved on
his time. His soft blue eyes that never missed anything and his
cocky smile. These were the last things I saw before sleep took me
away.

Six

Finn

There’s a first time for
everything. And I could say without blinking that it was the first
time a girl had ever been stolen from me. Although, technically,
she was never mine. That still didn’t stop me from staring a hole
in the back of Stephen’s auburn head during church on Sunday and
wishing he’d go back to wherever he came from.

I hadn’t had a chance to be alone
with Faith to find out how the date went, but with a guy like the
freckled wonder, I’m sure it didn’t go too far. Maybe a goodnight
kiss?

Every now and again, Faith would
turn her head to the side and I’d catch her looking at me from the
front row. I liked it when she looked at me. It let me know she was
thinking about me, which worked since I was thinking about
her.

She was wearing blue. I’d only ever
seen her in khaki and pink. I really liked her in blue. The way her
brown waves looked against the soft color, the way the blue looked
against her perfect skin—perfect skin that I would’ve gotten to
know well if I’d been in Stephen’s shoes.

With my attention back on the
auburn head, I couldn’t miss the fact that he kept looking over and
smiling at Faith. She’d smile back, but the smiles never reached
her eyes. She wasn’t into him. She couldn’t be into him. I mean, he
was a short, redheaded boy with freckles and a mouth full of metal.
Then again, I’m sure that didn’t matter since her dad was letting
her out of her cell as long as she was with him.

After five secret looks between the
two, I couldn’t take it anymore. It pissed me off every time it
happened. I stood up and slipped out the back of the church. I
leaned up against the brick and wished I had a smoke. I’d pretty
much quit, but I’d give my left nut for bowl packed with some
sticky green cush.

I leaned my head back against the
brick and took in some fresh air. I wanted to be away from the
church, the pastor, and all the craziness. I only had a few days
left of community service, so I skipped. It was the only day I left
without getting my paper signed. I was exhausted and I just wanted
to go home and spend some time with my mom before the band came
over to practice.

That afternoon, Uncle Lester
stopped by for his money and hooked me up with his new stock. Even
though I wanted to, I didn’t sample it. The whole drug scene felt
different to me—it felt wrong. I was considering giving it up
altogether and getting a real job—something with benefits and drug
tests, something with health insurance for my mom.

Reynolds gave me the okay on the
powder and then bought half of it from me on the spot. I spent the
rest of the night singing my ass off and goofing off with the boys.
Amanda, Kevin’s most recent girl and also Faith’s friend, came with
Kevin and watched from my couch. I thought about quizzing her on
all things Faith but decided against looking like a total pussy
boy.

The following Wednesday, I got to
spend time with Faith. We got stuck in the back room, putting
together posters for some car washing event the church was having.
The church was big on raising money. Faith explained to me how the
money was used to improve the church, but all I could think about
was how sweet her mouth looked when she talked.

I watched across the table as she
drew pretty angel wings on her words and dotted her I’s with
hearts. Chicks were always doing senseless shit like that, but when
Faith did it, it was cute. She didn’t do things to impress
others—she did them because she wanted to go the extra step,
because she enjoyed doing her best.

Every now and again, her hair would
fall into her face and she’d push it back. She never wore it up. As
much as I loved her hair, I’d love to push it back and look at her
face clearly just once. I bet Stephen the perfect church boy got to
see her face.

“
So you never told me how the date
went,” I said as I picked up a black marker and started to
write.