Finding Forever (Living Again #4) (22 page)

Lacey walked along the riverbank, enjoying listening to the birds tweeting in the trees, the water lapping the shore, and the people around them talking and laughing. She felt at peace.

“This is nice,” she said, swinging their clasped hands. “I’ve missed doing this.”

“Me too,” she answered. “But this isn’t where you belong right now.”

“What do you mean?”

She stopped, looking into the identical eyes she missed so much. “You’ve got to go fight, Lacey. This is just the beginning for you. I wish I could take it away from you, my love, but I can’t. You’re strong enough to endure this, baby.”

“I don’t think I am,” Lacey cried, gripping her hand harder. She didn’t want her to go away. Not again.

She nodded, smoothing her hair back from her forehead like she had always done. “Yes, you are. Don’t be scared. I’m always here for you, watching over you.”

“Why don’t I ever see you, though?”

She shook her head. “You can’t, honey. But I’m here, in everything you do. Stop thinking that you don’t deserve Brant’s love, Lacey. He was put in your life for a reason.”

Lacey blinked her eyes, trying to memorize every detail about her. “H-he was?”

She leaned forward, rubbing her nose with Lacey’s in an Eskimo kiss. “Everyone is put in your life for a reason, Lacey. He’s a good man. Stop shutting people out. When people love you, you have to let them.”

“Mom!” Lacey called, looking around. Where had she gone? Wait, where was she? The river was gone and she was blinking her eyes against a bright light.

“Lacey?” She closed her eyes, confusion making her head spin. She felt pressure, so much pressure on her chest. She knew that voice, though. “Doc, I’m right here. You’re out of surgery and everything went well.”

Everything flooded back to her. She just had her left breast removed because she had cancer. She wasn’t going to walk the river with her mother, ever again. That had been just a dream. Brant was here, stroking her hand as she fought with consciousness.

“Are you in pain? Squeeze my hand if you are.” Lacey squeezed gently, her eyes refusing to open again. “I’m going to get the nurse, okay? I’ll be right back.”

She felt him leave, and a tear leaked out of one of her eyes, running down her face and into her ear. Why did it feel like she was being crushed, and why wouldn’t her damn eyes open? She concentrated on breathing, the very motion of her chest going in and out causing pain. She felt like she was starting to panic, and she willed her eyes open again.

One eye cracked open, and she looked around. She was in a hospital room, with an IV pumping clear liquid into her veins and a sensor on her finger. The machine behind her beeped every once and a while, indicating she was still alive she guessed. She lost the battle with her eye, and it closed again, trying to suck her under. She wanted to wait for Brant to come back, but her traitorous body wouldn’t listen, and she succumbed to the exhaustion.

“I need to change your dressing before we go to the doctor,” Brant said, standing at the doorway to her room. She had been out of the hospital about two days, and today she was going for a check-up with the surgeon.

The pain had kept her down for the count for most of the last several days. She had a drain that someone had to clean out every few hours, and while at first she had refused to let Brant do it, he wouldn’t listen at all. The amount of disgusting things he had done for her since this started was mind baffling.

She knew he had been turning down modeling jobs, because in the few moments of lucidity she had over the last few days, she had heard him on the phone several times. Sam, Aubrey, and Chloe had all been here as well, but she honestly didn’t even know what day it was, much less who was there and when. She was very grateful for them, and was trying to take her mom’s advice to let the people that cared about her take care of her.

She had never been so shocked as to see her Dad standing next to her bed at the hospital. He hadn’t said much, only that he was sorry for not being there for her, and that he would help with anything she needed during her recovery.

“Can you sit up, Doc?” She nodded, and he held out his hand to help her. Her bedroom was covered with flowers, and other than Brant, it was the one thing that made her smile.

He unbuttoned her shirt to expose the gauze that surrounded her entire chest. She looked away, not able to make herself look.

“Ridiculous,” she muttered.

“What’s ridiculous,” Brant said, working to gently remove the gauze.

“You haven’t even gotten to have sex with me, and here you are, having to look at my non-existent breast. It’s just…” Tears sprung into her eyes, and she fought against them. She was
sick
of crying.

She felt his hands stop what he was doing and move up to her face. “Lacey Russell, look at me.”

She knew he was going to admonish her for what she said. But no matter what he told her, she knew that this had to be awful for him. She should’ve had sex with him back the night they had fooled around; at least then he would’ve gotten the pleasure of her whole, normal body. She slid her eyes to his as he waited for her to listen.

“Don’t do this,” he pleaded. “I know that this is terrible for you to endure. But don’t start saying stuff like that, okay? I was put into your life for a reason, and it wasn’t to worry about when or how I have sex with you. This is
so
beyond that. Don’t you feel the same, Lacey?”

He had just echoed what her mom had told her in the dream she had when she was waking up from her surgery. Did she believe that Brant was put in her life for a reason? She wasn’t sure. “I love you, Brant. I just don’t want you to wake up one day and wonder where in the hell your life went. I hear you on the phone. You’ve been giving up shoots to stay and take care of me. How long is that going to fulfill you, Brant? That’s your dream.”

“Lacey,” he interrupted, kissing her cracked lips gently. “Don’t you understand, Doc? You
are
my dream. Taking care of you is the most important thing I could do with my life right now. Modeling and photo shoots will always be there.”

“And I may not,” she answered.

“No,” his eyes flashed. “That’s
not
what I meant. Being here with you fulfills me in a way that nothing else can. I
want
to see you through this, and when you’re through it all and we’re on the other side of this, together, we’ll be indestructible. Because couples that go through things like this have a different bond than everyone else. Until you, I thought modeling was enough for me. Since you, I know that I was missing so much from my life. I was missing you.”

Lacey looked at him, into those eyes she loved so much, and she wished that could be true. She hoped that at the end of this he loved her still, and wasn’t a burnt out, overworked man that ended up with no career
and
no girlfriend.

“It looks good,” Dr. West said. “I’m going to bandage it differently now. You won’t need this huge gauze anymore. You’re draining well, and Brant is doing a good job keeping it clean. We’ll take the drain out on your next visit, as long as it looks as good as it does now.”

Lacey nodded, looking out of the window so she couldn’t see the reflection of her chest in any of the things in the exam room. There was no way she could look. She might not ever be able to look again.

“When do I get the results back from the lab?”

“Those will come from your oncologist. The office should call you once they have them.” She sighed. So many doctors. She couldn’t even remember all of their names.

“After we take the drain out, you’ll be able to shower again,” he explained. “How’s the pain?”

“Getting better,” she admitted. “Under my arm is very painful.”

“That’s where they took the lymph nodes,” he explained. “It’ll make it difficult to use that arm for a while. If it doesn’t go away, we’ll have to do some physical therapy later. Don’t push it too hard. Just go at your comfort level. How are you doing otherwise? Psychologically?”

She sighed. The million dollar question. Was she going to crack under the pressure? “Well, Dr. West, I have cancer. Or had, we don’t know yet. I’m holding up at well as a mid-twenties woman can while dealing with losing one of her breasts before she ever had sex with the boyfriend that is spending his life taking care of her.” She couldn’t believe that she had just said that to her doctor.

“Lacey, all of your feelings are completely normal. It’s a lot to handle. Don’t feel like you can’t ask to talk to someone. You don’t have to deal with this alone. And from what I’ve seen from your boyfriend, I don’t think you have anything to worry about as far as he is concerned.”

“Right now,” she argued. “But how long is he going to want to deal with this? He has his whole life ahead of him. He’s really going places.”

“I think you’re underestimating his love for you. You have a great support system, Lacey. Don’t forget that. And if you keep having these feelings, let us know. We have some great therapists I can recommend.”

Unless the therapist could change the fact that she had one breast and may or may not be alive at the end of this horrible road, she didn’t need them.