Finding Her Way (9 page)

“Jerrica, let me explain.”

“What is there to explain? I heard most, if not all of your conversation. You’ve been lying all this time. You’ve lied to me. You’ve lied to your parents. The saddest thing is you’re lying to yourself. You’re too scared to say no to Daddy. You let him control your life. To top this all off, I’m just a plaything to you, to pass the time until you find mister right. Did I miss anything?”

“Jerrica, you’re not my plaything, nor have I treated you that way. It just my….”

“I know it’s all about your father. He runs your life and you let him. So, who’s to blame here? I’ve been open with you from the start. I was in the closet for too many years Devin, and I won’t go back there! I hurt many people pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I won’t hide and I won’t lie for you.”

Jerrica stepped back, contemplating her next move. Frustrated, she sat on the edge of the bed with her hands resting in her lap.

“Jerrica, please listen to me,” Devin pleaded but didn’t move toward her.
 

“I think you need to take your shower now. Your father’s driver will be here soon to fetch you,” she said looking down at her hands.

Devin was at a loss for words. Her heart was breaking, but she knew in some sense, Jerrica was right, her Father did run her life. The silence in the room became deafening for the both of them.

Jerrica’s shaky voice whispered. “Please, take your shower. I need time to think.”

Devin tossed the blanket that they had shared onto the bed and entered the bathroom.

Jerrica felt numb. What am I supposed to do now? Get up and stand on your feet, you don’t want to be in this room when she gets out of the bathroom. Jerrica grabbed everything she could find that belonged to her and quickly stuffed it in her bag. “I’ll get dressed downstairs,” she mumbled to herself. “Right now I need to get away from her.”

With one last glance at the closed bathroom door, Jerrica was out of the room and down the stairs in a huff.

Twenty minutes later, Devin appeared, carrying her suitcase and shoulder bag. Jerrica noticed that Devin had decided to pull her hair back, off her face, into a clip. She was wearing a familiar outfit, a pair of khaki pants with a white tank top. She glanced up, watching as Devin placed her bags near the entranceway then walked toward the kitchen. Jerrica was standing on the farthest side of the kitchen, putting distance between them, cutting vegetables on the middle island. As if a light switch turned on in her head, she remembered where, she had seen the outfit.

Jerrica spoke first. “Did you bring your blazer?”

Confusion crossed Devin’s face. “Sorry, I don’t understand.”

Still chopping vegetables, Jerrica continued. “I’ve seen you wearing that in your office. I’m asking if you have your blazer to complete your ensemble.”

Devin answered the question in a dull tone, “Actually, yes. It’s in my suitcase.”

“Need to look all business when you see mommy and daddy?” Bitterness was evident in her voice.

“Are you staying,” Devin asked, noticing all the cut vegetables.

“Not that it is any of your business, but yes. I’m not ready to face anyone so soon after this weekend.”

“Jerrica, please, I don’t want to end our weekend like this,” Devin’s voice was trembling.

Tears started to form in Jerrica’s eyes. One tear bravely escaped and tumbled down her cheek. Jerrica whispered.

“Devin, this is not only the end of our weekend but it’s the end of us. I can’t do the lying and sneaking around thing. It took me a long time to get to where I am today. I am proud of the person I’ve become and I will not hide for you or for anyone ever again. I don’t trust you and if I can’t trust you, then there is no reason for us to be together.”

Devin gazed down at her hands that now rested on the counter top. Her heart was broken. “Don’t do this, please. Jerrica, you don’t understand? My life is complicated …well my….”

For a brief second Jerrica wanted to console her because she recognized the inner torment of what she was going through. She had traveled part of this road herself in discovery of her truth. However, she also knew that if Devin wanted to change, she would have to do it on her own and for herself.

Jerrica set down the knife, staring at the cutting board. Taking a deep breath and holding onto the edge of the counter, she uttered the last words she would say to Devin that weekend.

“I have always been up front with you, Devin, of who I am and how I feel. It kills me to admit this now, but I do love you…if you’re not willing to fight for us then at least fight for yourself. My love for you is not strong enough to fight this battle alone. I can’t and I won’t pretend I’m someone I’m not.”
 

Devin stepped back as if wanting to say something or anything that would make this situation right between them but nothing materialized. Devin’s phone rang, breaking the silence. Retrieving it from her pocket, she tapped it. “Hello. Yes, I’m ready, five minutes, that’s fine. I’ll be waiting,” she said into the phone.

Finished, she slid it back into her pocket. They stood in silence for what seemed like eternity. Devin looked up at Jerrica “Jerrica, I’m sorry. I care for you more than I’ve cared for anyone else. I’m sorry that it has come to this. I wish things were different but….”

Devin broke off as she saw a fresh flow of tears streaming down Jerrica’s face.

Devin rushed around the kitchen island toward Jerrica. As she reached out for her, a car horn pierced the stillness and she froze in mid-stride. She let her arms fall to her side. The driver had arrived. Jerrica wouldn’t even look at her. She just stared at the counter while the tears continuously fell.

Devin shifted backward as the horn sounded again. Not knowing what to say, Devin retreated to the front door. Once opened, the driver stepped in, picked up her luggage, and then disappeared outside. Devin stood in the doorway ready to leave. She could hear the soft sobs coming from the kitchen. Turning her head, she saw Jerrica’s tear stained face.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

Through tear-filled eyes, Jerrica watched the car pull away. Even though the car windows were tinted, Jerrica could tell that Devin wasn’t looking back. Jerrica turned her back to the window, sliding down the cupboard doors to the floor, releasing the pain in her heart as she cried.

†

Jerrica let the memories fade, focusing on her current surroundings. She felt cold even with the comforter wrapped tightly around her and holding a hot cup of coffee. In the distance, she heard a door close.
Ah, the minions have returned
, she thought. Not getting up, she waited for them to find her.

“The back door looks partially open. I bet she’s on the back porch,” Lauren said.

“Maybe we shouldn’t go out there. Maybe she doesn’t want company. Maybe she wants to be left alone,”
 
Jaime responded,

“You know I can hear you, right?” Jerrica responded from the porch.

Stepping around Jaime, Lauren said with a smile. “I think she won’t mind company. Good morning, sunshine. How are you feeling?” Lauren placed herself in the chair across from Jerrica.

“I feel a lot better this morning,” she said, pulling the comforter from around her head.

“Well, you still look tired,” Jaime added as she perched herself on the railing.

“Thanks for the compliment so early in the morning.”

Jaime looked like she was about to panic when Lauren reached out and touched her knee. “She's messing with you Jaime, calm down.”

She let out a breath and hopped off the railing. “That coffee looks good. I’m going inside to get some, Lauren, you want any? Jerrica, do you need your coffee topped off?”

Both women looked at one another, a little surprised by the energy level displayed.

“I could use a cup, thanks,” answered Lauren.

“I’m good.”

“Ok, I’ll be right back,” she said as she bounced into the house.

“That girl has way too much energy,” Jerrica said.

“Yeah, I don’t know where she gets it,” she said, turning her attention back to Jerrica. “Seriously though, are you ok?”

“I’m feeling better than I did last night. I don’t know what happened.”

“Exhaustion, Jerrica. You’ve been working too hard.”

“I doubt that, Mom. Did you get me chicken noodle soup while you were at the store?”

“As a matter of fact, I did and ginger ale as well.”

“You’re my hero, Lauren.”

“I know.”

The screen door flew open and Jaime strolled back onto the porch. She was holding two coffee mugs and a plate of cheese and fruit. Placing the tray and Lauren’s coffee on the table between them, “I figured it was close to lunch time and you could use something to eat,” she said, directing her comment toward Jerrica.

“That was kind of you.” Reaching a hand out, Jerrica plucked a few grapes off the plate.

Grabbing a slice of cheese in one hand, her coffee in the other, Jaime hopped back on the railing.

Jerrica enjoyed the grape while she observed Jaime’s actions. “I wanted to talk to the both of you about something,” Jerrica said, sitting up straighter in her chair.

Lauren and Jaime exchanged glances.

“Since everyone is now aware of my relationship with Devin,” Jerrica flushed. “I guess it’s time to explain something about myself that you don’t know.”

Lauren sat back in her chair.

Jerrica noticed Lauren’s sudden change in body posture. “I know there are things, Lauren, that you know about my past relationships, but there are many other things you don’t know.”

“Well, I’m not going anywhere.” Jaime leaned up against the column attached to the railing. “Talk away.”

Lauren sat with her arms across her chest, waiting for Jerrica to continue.

Jerrica’s voice began to quiver as she recalled the events of the day she left him.

†

“I’m leaving!”

She rushed down the stairs with her suitcase in hand. On her heels was the man she was trying to escape. The strong hand grasped her bicep before she was able to reach the floor. The sudden jerk on her arm caught her off balance, sending her falling down the last four stairs to the marble-tiled foyer floor. Her suitcase slid across the floor beyond her reach. On her knees, she tried to crawl away from him. “Gregory, please don’t do this.”

“Don’t do what, Jerrica?”

He hoisted her up like a rag doll and spun her around to face him.

She could no longer see the loving man she had once known, this monster she now feared had replaced him.

“You think you can just up and leave me? I have given you everything, you ungrateful bitch!”

“This shouldn’t be a surprise to you. We haven’t been in love for a long time,” whispered Jerrica.

She could not stop him when he shoved her body violently against the wall. Her head hit hard, filling her eyes with stars. She felt his hands clutch her upper arms, keeping her from crumbling. The strong fingers dug painfully into her skin. “You’re hurting me, Gregory!”

“You don’t know what hurt is, Jerrica. You’ve broken my heart,” he bellowed as he shook her, “I gave you my love. I bought you this damn house. I’ve given you everything. What happened to the promise you made me, until death us do part?” Gregory released her arms, stepping away, rubbing the back of his neck in frustration.

Finally, standing on her own feet, Jerrica calmed. “We made a lot of promises to one another, Gregory. To be faithful was one of those promises and you broke that.”

She felt the pain the moment his palm connected violently with the side of her face. The force jerked her head to the side, almost knocking her off her feet. She grabbed the doorframe for support. The familiar taste of blood filled her mouth.

“I am the man of this house and you will not talk to me in that manner! This is entirely your fault! See what you made me do!”

Jerrica could feel a trickle of blood run down her chin as her cheek started to burn. Summoning courage from deep inside, she straightened her back. “Does hitting me make you feel like a big man. Go ahead, do your best, Gregory. You will never have me ever again.” Jerrica closed her eyes, expecting him to release his anger, ending this torture.

Gregory forcefully grabbed Jerrica by the back of the neck, heaving her in the direction of the front door. “I love you and I know you love me. You just need time to realize that. We will be together. No matter where you are, you will always belong to me!”

Jerrica grabbed the doorknob, opening it quickly to escape. Her legs couldn’t move fast enough as she sprinted toward the car.

“Remember, Jerrica, you are mine,” Gregory yelled after her.

That was the last thing she heard him say as her tires squealed out of the driveway, the car jolted forward toward town. A quick look in the mirror showed the damage he had caused. The blood from her lip was beginning to dry but her lip was swelling. She could faintly see the bruise developing on her cheek. Tears filled her eyes. Flipping her cell phone open, she called the only person she trusted.

“Lauren, its Jerrica. I need your help. Is your cottage free?”