Finding Home (13 page)

I pull up to the house in my beat-up pickup truck that I like to use around the vineyard. It’s old and rusting out in some spots, but I can’t give her up. She’s solid and can still take a heavy load. My excitement builds with each minute that passes. Sam went in to change her shirt and put on some hiking boots. Today, I’m showing her my home. There’s so much to see.

Our vineyard is considered medium-sized compared to the other local wineries. We offer public and private tastings, as well as private functions.

I thought I would show her the layout of the land and let her guide me in which direction to go. I want her to set the course. The lush, green, rolling hills paired with row after row of grape-covered vines are a thing of beauty. Large oak trees and small local redwoods are majestic and offer the best shade for a quiet and romantic picnic. Maybe I should pack us a light basket of drinks and munchies.

I turn off the engine and make a dash into the barn and run into the wine cellar. I decide to grab our Petit Sirah and two glasses. Running into the house, I find the picnic basket in the pantry. I look around for the crackers and throw them in. I pack us some fresh fruit and cheese to complement the wine. At the last second I grab some chocolate. I remember that I have an old blanket out back on the porch. Perfect. My gut tells me she’s a picnic kind of girl.

I walk back outside and find Jenny leaning against my truck. “What’s up, Bean Sprout?” I can see her jaw tighten and fists clench together. These silly nicknames still get her riled up and I love it.

“Stop with the Bean stuff already! Anyway, are you ready to take Sam around? I know she’s excited to see everything and spend time with you.” Her grin is like the Cheshire Cat. It’s sneaky, like she’s up to something. I’ll play along.

“Yeah, I’m excited to show her around. I even packed a picnic if we decide to stop and take a rest.”

Jenny claps her hands together. “A picnic. That’s right up her alley. Good job, Ben.” She twirls her fingers together. “So you’ll be sitting out under a tree, laying down on the blanket, eating, and sipping some wine. Hmm.”

“What do you mean,
hmmm
?”

“Oh, nothing. It’s just very romantic, don’t you think?” She pushes off the truck and grabs the basket. “Let me see what you’ve got packed in there.”

I yank it away from her. “Jenny, back off. There’s nothing romantic going on. I’m just showing her around.”

“Okay, Ben. Whatever you say. No romance. Got it.”

“Bean, let it drop.” I can hear my voice getting louder with each word. My patience is waning. I can see her taunting smile, and even her stance is more upright. “For Christ’s sake! There’s nothing romantic going on here!”

“I’m glad we cleared that up.” I don’t need to turn around. A sudden hot flash overtakes my body. Why is it every time I’m around this girl I do or say something asinine? Slowly, I turn to face her with some semblance of a smile. I try to say something—anything. “I … I … I didn’t mean it that way. It’s just, well, uh ...”
Now I stutter, too
.

“Don’t sweat it. I’m not looking for any romance. So we’re all set. Bye Jenny!” She reaches for the door handle and starts to open it. “I assume we’re taking Red here for the tour?”

I move to my side and climb in. “Red?”

“I name all the cars I drive in. I like to develop relationships with them so they’ll take good care of me and not break down.” She climbs in, shrugging her shoulders, like it’s normal to name your car.

I shrug back at her. “Okay. Why Red?”

“Duh. Isn’t it obvious?” She opens her arms wide as if she’s showcasing the car. “She’s painted red and is getting on in years. Red is a strong, sturdy name.” She taps the doorframe and smiles at me. It’s that same smile—the one that goes straight to her eyes.

My brain can’t control what my mouth spews next. “Your smile brightens up your whole face and makes your eyes sparkle. You’re beautiful.”
Sparkle? This girl is definitely turning me into some kinda sap.

She looks at me for what feels like minutes, but, of course, is really only seconds. “Wow Ben. Careful, that sounds
romantic
to me. Are you sure there’s nothing
romantic
going on here?” She winks and smacks my arm in a teasing way. “So, let’s get this tour started!”

“Ah, yeah, okay. Sorry, again. I just wanted you to know what I’m thinking.” I hope she can’t hear the hurt in my voice, but I don’t think I’m doing a very good job of hiding it. I start up Red and we take off. The dirt roads are bumpy and jolt us around a bit. We sit in silence while I drive up to the ridge that overlooks our vineyard and the valley.

This is one of my favorite spots, but I’m afraid to tell her. I’m hesitant to stop and make more of a jackass of myself, so I slow down so we can both take in the view.

“Ben, this is amazing. No wonder you and Jenny love it here. Growing up here must have been so cool.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. I love to come out here and sit. It’s peaceful. I could sit here for hours and do nothing but just be.” I stop the truck and put it in park.

“It’s nice to just be sometimes, isn’t it? Time to be you. No expectations, limits, or disappointments. I like the sound of that, Ben.” She grabs my hand and holds it. It feels soft and safe. I grab it tighter so she won’t let go. “It’s my turn to say sorry, Ben. I shouldn’t have responded to you the way I did. What you said about me being beautiful was really nice. I liked it. A lot. Thank you.”

I lift her hand up to my lips and gently kiss it. I can hear her gasp, and it sends a shiver through me. “Well, every word I’ve said is true, Sam.” We’re both silent. There’s probably more to say, but I don’t want to screw it up. “You ready to keep exploring?”
Now if that’s not a loaded word, I don’t know what is.

“Sure, but can we stop over there under that tree? I’d like to get out and explore on foot for a bit, if that’s okay?”

It’s my turn to smile now. I can tell that she loves it here, too. “Absolutely, but only on one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“I get to keep holding your hand.”
Please say yes.

“You want to keep holding my hand? I don’t know, Ben. For someone who doesn’t want romance, you’re sure pushing the boundaries.” I hold her hand firm and pull her toward me. I must’ve done it too hard, because it throws her balance off. Her head moves toward my lap, and damn, it’s hot. I could help stop her momentum, but fuck that. Having her head in my lap is like my shower fantasy come true.

Instinctively, her hand lands on my thigh to stop her head from falling forward. She pops back up brushing her hair off her face. Her pink lips form a lovely O, and I instantly think of them on my dick. The color of her skin is a lovely shade of red and her breath is heavy. I look at her and wink. My eyes and grin give away my naughty thoughts. She looks surprised and pissed. I like that combination.

“Okay ass, very funny. You want to play it like that. No problem. You just took sweet, romantic Ben to pervert Ben in a matter of seconds. Don’t think my head will be anywhere near your lap anytime soon.”

Chuckling, I reach for her hand again, and she fights me for a moment, but then relents.

“I win! I like holding your hand. Do we still have a deal?”

Her teeth bite on her lower lip like she’s considering what to do. “Fine. But only if I get to choose which way we go.” Her eyes dart around the vineyard.

I run my fingers across her knuckles. “Sure. Where to?”

She points left, and I know the perfect spot to take her for a picnic. It’s my secret spot. I came up here after Beth died. I needed a place that didn’t remind me of her. No one knows about it. For some reason I want her to see it. There are no memories of my life with Beth there. This is the moving forward I need and want. “How about I show you my special spot? It’s pretty spectacular, and I know you’ll appreciate it.”

She grins and raises our hands—lightly brushing her lips across my fingers. I’m sure she can hear my breath suck in. I turn the car and head out over the ridge, wishing Red would go faster. I chance a quick glance at her, and her smile looks timid. Our joined hands feel incredible. My head clears like a haze slowly lifts. She overwhelms me, but I don’t mind it.

The energy shifts. The change occurs somewhere between leaving the house and the ride to his secret spot. I’m not sure what it is, but I know how it makes me feel. It’s like having a craving for chocolate, and you don’t have any in the house. You’re searching high and low for something sweet—you go manic craving a taste. Yep, that’s how Ben makes me feel right now. I am manic for his kiss.

When he kissed my hand I had no idea how to react. His lips were soft, warm, and tender. I didn’t expect to have feelings for someone so soon. Oh God, and then he said he wanted to keep holding my hand! I’m barely treading water to stay afloat.

Flirting and teasing with Ben is fun, but my yearning to have more pushed me to kiss his hand back. It felt so natural of a response. The last time a person spoke that way to me ended up breaking me into a million little pieces. But I can tell his words are genuine, not forced or laced in bullshit.

Nathan liked to lie, and he was good at it. He told me I was different, special, and whispered promises of forever. However, his version of forever was banging half the senior class behind my back. How our relationship ended still stings, and its left me scarred. But today, the sting hurts less. I have to believe it’s from Ben’s words and tender touch. In the grand scheme of gestures, the kiss may be small, but its way more intimate than anything I’ve ever experienced.

Spending this time with him is all I want. To be in this moment and see what can happen next. I don’t want to think or worry about anything else—just focus on us. I want the home I always envisioned for me—the symbol of what a home should be. Home that fills you with happiness, passion, tenderness, craziness, heartache, joy, and love. As long as your home is with the one you’re meant to be with, you can do anything. To share your mind, body, and soul with your home—your forever, your person—then everything falls into place.

We drive up and over a small ridge in the middle of the vineyard. I see large oak trees bordering the grapevines with a small stream of water flowing at the bottom of the hill. Just beyond the trees is a small clearing. The grass is tall and there are some wildflowers mixed in. It’s beautiful—the kind of place you could hang a swing from. I can only hope that we’re stopping here. This would be my choice for a secret place. The truck slows down as we come to a stop. “Ben, it looks amazing over there. Can we see where that clearing goes?” I start to feel restless in the seat. I want to move and explore.
In more ways than one.

“Funny that you want to go there, seeing as that’s where I’m taking you. It’s my spot.” He smiles at me again. His smile is too much for words.

“Really? I was just thinking that how perfect it seems to be.” My whole body is really bouncing now.

“Stop fidgeting. You look like you need to pee or something. And stop gripping the door handle. You look like you’re anxious to get away from me.” I can see his eyes widen before going soft again. “You have to wait ‘til I stop the car before hopping out.” He laughs heartily as he pulls off to the side of the road.

I hadn’t realized I was clutching the door handle so tightly. I can’t believe I’m bouncing so much. I guess maybe I’m anticipating what could happen next. Will we kiss or just keep holding hands.
I like the handholding.
What will we talk about? Oh God, is he going to ask me questions about Nathan? Do I want to hear about Beth?
Shit
. My anxiety is getting the better of me.

He tugs on my arm gently.

“Am I making you nervous?”

“No. Should I be nervous? You’re not going to take me into some secluded area where you hide the dead bodies, are you?” Smirking, I start to pull my hand away from his to get out of the truck, but he doesn’t let go.

“Ha! Good one, but I’m serious. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable Sam.” I love how he says my name. My body is turning into a puddle on the floor of his truck.