Finding Home (27 page)

“I know it’s not fair. I just need some time.”

“Well, okay, you have it, but it’s not going to be easy for me. Are we still going to the ball?”
Here comes the hair scratching
.

“Shit. I hadn’t thought about that.” He steps toward me hesitantly. “It’s probably best not to go together. I’ll most likely be busy anyway and, well, I just think it’s not a good idea.”

I close the distance between us and move to hug him with far less passion than before. There is no way to hide the sadness in my voice. “Okay, well, I guess that’s that. I’m still going to go, but maybe you could save a dance for me?” I cling desperately to the hope that a dance might shake some sense into him. Maybe if he remembers how good we feel together, he’ll finally be ready. Who am I kidding? I seem to be falling into my pattern again and joining the lesser-loved partner club again.

“Um, yeah. A dance would be nice.” He lets go of me, and I miss him already. “I’ll see you at the ball then. Bye, Sam. And again, I’m so sorry.”

“Okay, bye. See you then.” I turn around as fast as my legs can go and run into the main house. I need to get my shit together for dress shopping, although it really doesn’t matter anymore. I can’t believe I’ve made it this long without crying. As soon as I hit my room the tears fall, and I curse myself for breaking my rule. I thought Ben could be the exception, but no man can. Samantha Cole is destined to be alone, and it’s time to admit it.

The week goes by painfully slow. Ben’s absence is profound. I try to keep busy with working and understanding the process of wine, but I honestly don’t give a shit. My mind formulates an exit strategy to go back home. Even though our time together had been short, I felt closer to him than anyone else I’d ever been with. I felt like we fit together.

Jenny’s pissed off, of course, because she thinks her brother’s a “big fucking coward ass!” I’ve tried to calm her down, but all she sees is red. Playing it cool with her doesn’t work. She reads me like one of her books and knows that underneath it all I’m a fucking mess. She’s seen me at my worst and doesn’t want me to ever go there again.

I’m particularly on edge today. The preparations for the ball are in full swing, and Ben’s arrival is imminent. I try to complete the odds and ends of getting everything set up even though I’m a million miles away. When we head out for the salon to get glammed up for the evening, I’m happy to escape. However, as I sit around getting ready I consider not going at all.

“I’m going to kill my brother when I see him. He thinks he can just play around with you and run to Jack’s? No fucking way!”

I wince at her words while the hairstylist yanks back my hair. “Listen. Don’t worry about it. It’ll be fine. It is what it is. We didn’t get that far, and at least he was upfront about everything before he left.”

“Yeah, maybe that’s the case, but he needs to get his shit together. It’s been two fucking years. That’s a long time to mourn for someone.”

“He’s just not ready, and he may never be ready. He had a once in a lifetime love. They’re rare, and they probably don’t happen twice to the same person.”

Jenny turns her chair to face mine. “Bullshit! You can’t really believe that? Because pretty much every friggin’ movie we’ve watched together has second chance love written all over it!” I know she’s right, but it’s easier thinking my way.

“I know, I know. But don’t be mad and lay off it. Let’s just see how it all plays out. If he feels pressure from you or me, then I’m afraid he’ll really run away for good.” I reach out for her hand and hold it tightly. She’s my sister and protector. “I will do my best to play it cool, and you will be your nice ass self. Got it?”

She squeezes it several times before replying. “I don’t like it. I’d rather beat the crap out of him, but I got it.”

It’s time to change the subject, or she will want to keep fixing what’s broken. “So any hot guys you’re looking forward to seeing tonight?”

“Nice change in subject, Sam. And for your information, that would be a big ass n-o!”

“Hmm, I wonder if Jack will be coming tonight. It would be nice to get to know him.” I can’t help but tease her a little bit. Jenny’s never come out and said it, but I think she’s always had a thing for him. Her cheeks flush as I try to suppress my laugh.

“I’m sure he will be. He’s never missed an event. Plus, he grew up around here and knows everybody. Trust me when I say you’re not missing much. When it comes to Jack, my memories are of him torturing me, pulling my pigtails, teasing me, and just making my life miserable every chance he could get.” I can’t help notice a faint smile on her face, and I know there’s more to her story. She’s just not ready to tell it. Maybe tonight I can stir the pot for my friend and see what cooks up.

My typical pacing begins the moment I’m dressed for the party. Jack went ahead without me; he knows I need to arrive in my own time. Back and forth I walk, hiding like a complete idiot. I thought leaving would bring me some semblance of clarity. Instead, I feel even more confused.

I figured out two things this week. First, I want Sam. There’s no denying that. She makes me feel again, and it’s what I’ve been waiting for. Second, I can’t completely erase Beth out of my mind, either. Therein lies the problem—I want both. I know I don’t have to erase everything, but cherish the memories instead. Take them for what they are and own them. Get beyond our past and that night and let my guilt go.
Easier said than done
. So I walk around my loft trying to figure out my next move. Take a chance or stay dormant.

When I arrived this morning, I was grateful she wasn’t home. I couldn’t face her yet. The past five days were some of the longest of my life. Thoughts of Sam kept muddling up with thoughts of Beth. I couldn’t seem to separate the two, and it made me physically ill.

Jack got me drunk one night thinking it would help me forget, but all it did was make me miss her more. But I couldn’t figure out who I missed more. The torturous mind-fuck head spin ended with me puking it all out.

Then at rugby practice I smashed as hard as I could into my teammates, but it did nothing to ease my madness. I was unfocused and aggravated, so I thought pounding the shit out of someone on the field would knock some sense into me. It didn’t. It just pissed me off more. And Coach sent me packing for the night. I ended up pounding more beers instead.

My pattern this week has been drinking, running, eating, reading, TV, rugby, and then more drinking. Nothing’s working. I knew it was time to come home and deal with it all. But I’m still at the same place I was before I left. And now I have to go down there and face her.

My inner turmoil is interrupted by a heavy pounding on the door, followed by some foul language coming from my sister. I open the door, and her pissed off rage isn’t good.

“What the fuck, Ben. What the fuck are you doing? Cut the shit and get yourself together!” I wait for her to continue with her tirade, because I know it’s far from over. “And another thing, Sam’s the best thing you could have ever asked for. She’s amazing, kind, sweet, fun, loving, and beautiful … and she likes you. Idiot!” She pauses, taking a breath, but the venomous look in her eyes tells me she’s got a whole hell of a lot more to say. “Oh, and did you think that maybe, just maybe, she’s your match? Your ‘person?’ You spout that crap all the time to everyone else, but did it ever occur to you that Sam is it for you? Get your head out your ass! Go down there, say hello, and apologize for your supreme idiocy!” She approaches me like a tiger ready to pounce. “And by the way, she looks stunning tonight. Plenty of men will notice her, so my suggestion is full on groveling!” She pulls me in for a hug and doesn’t let go. “Be happy, Ben.”

My brain can’t take it anymore. My crazed thoughts, along with her maniacal yelling, have put me over the edge. “Don’t you think I want that? Do you think I enjoy feeling this way?” I pull back from our hug, needing space to calm down. “I want her happiness, too, and it’s not fair the burden I carry with me daily. If I could snap my fingers and change everything that happened I would. If I could change how I feel, I would in a heartbeat. Doesn’t anyone see that by now?”

Taking a few shaky breaths, I do my best to gain back control. “I just fucking can’t, Jenny! I thought running would help clear my head, but it turned out it doesn’t matter how far I go. So instead of finding answers, I’ve got more questions.” Her look of disappointment is nothing that I haven’t seen before. I’ve been seeing it from everyone I’m close to for the last two years.

She heads for the door, stops and looks over her shoulder at me. “I love you, Ben. I know there’s room in your heart to love again. I know you know that. You need a push, well, more like a shove, in the right direction.”

Deep down I know she’s right. My heart feels like it’s been thrown in a blender and set on high. I can be happy with Sam. I know this. Still, the screaming in my head remains. Do I want to be happy with Sam? Time to head down and face what could be the answer to my future.

The outside set up for the ball is amazing. I feel like I’m in a rustic fairy tale. There’s a tent made up of organza silk that you can see through to the stars above. The silk tenting cascades across wooden beams and down wooden poles and wraps around them to the ground. White twinkle lights and lanterns hang from the tent. The flooring is raised off the ground and small cocktail tables with lantern centerpieces complete the look. The candlelight combined with the starry sky is breathtaking.

Ben and his family have done a wonderful job creating the ultimate romantic atmosphere. I only wish I could have had the romantic date to complete the picture.

I scan around the tent trying to see if he’s here yet. I let out a long sigh of relief that he hasn’t arrived yet. Guests begin to filter in, and the music softly plays tunes made famous by Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett. I spy Jenny coming across the floor with an uneven smile on her face. I know that look well. It means one thing: she did something she shouldn’t have. I brace myself for what she’s about to say.

“Damn girl, you look fantastic!”

“Thanks, so do you. I love the dress you picked out. You can totally rock red!”

She brushes her long blonde hair off her shoulder, lifting her head in pride. “I know, right? And what about you? The color of your dress is friggin’ elegant!”

“Ah, I’m not sure if friggin’ and elegant can be said together. But I’ll take the compliment.” I press my suddenly fidgety hands down my dress and try to sneak a look around the room.

“You look gorgeous and you know it. You fucking match the theme. He’s going to shit when he sees you.”

I look down at my champagne-colored silk organza dress. It hugs my body perfectly. It fits over every curve and stops just above my knees. The top bodice is a sweetheart neckline with one strap that crosses my right shoulder. A ruffled edging comes diagonally from the waist across the dress and continues over the strap, stopping where it’s attached at the back. It’s simple and “elegant” as Jenny said. I feel like a princess with my hair swept up into a twist that sits low and has a simple pink lily pinned in it.”Thanks, Jenny. I just hope I can do this. I feel pretty lost and unsure about what to do. And I’m terrified he doesn’t want me.”