Finding Home (22 page)

“I like how you roll. Don’t be anything but you.” I look at her quickly and wink. I love watching her body react. “You’re so beautiful. I could look at you forever. Unfortunately, I have to keep my eyes on the road.”

The next thing I know, she’s unbuckling and shifting closer to me. My whole body starts to shake, and I can feel a panic attack coming on. I quickly pull over into a grass field on the side of the road and freeze. I faintly feel her hand touch my shoulder. I can’t even look at her. “What are you doing? Buckle up! Don’t ever unbuckle when driving. Okay! Okay?” I jump out of the car and try in vain to catch my breath and control the panic in my chest. “FUCK!” I yell out into the night air. I bend over and try to take controlled breaths.

“Ben, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” I feel her hands slide down my arms, and her head rests on my back. “I’m sorry. I never meant to upset you. I thought I would get as close to you as I could.” I shift her body slightly as I take her down to the ground with me. I pull her into me and hug her fiercely and protectively as I try to get my emotions in check.

“Talk to me, Ben. What’s going on? Whatever it is, we can figure it out. I’m here.” I can’t even speak. I can only hold her while ugly visions of that night emerge in my head. I don’t want to break down in front of her, but my body and mind are functioning at complete opposite ends of the spectrum. My breath increases as my heart rate skyrockets. “Breathe with me, Ben. Look at me. Look me in the eyes. I’m right here. Breathe with me.”

My eyes meet her pleading ones. “Breathe with me.” I watch her take a deep breath—inhaling and exhaling. I join her on the second breath. We breathe in unison several times before the panic lessens. My body relaxes, and the anxiety dissipates. We focus on our breathing and stare intensely at each other, as if peeking into our souls.

“That’s it. You’re coming back to me.” She smiles sweetly and caresses my cheeks while kissing my forehead with tenderness and care. Her kisses reach my cheeks, nose, and chin; only my lips have been neglected.

It’s time for me to speak. “You’ve cut me open, and I feel like I’m bleeding here. Only one other person saw me this way, and she died.” Guilt creeps in, but I know that it’s now or never. The look on Sam’s face pushes me to go on. Taking a shaky deep breath, I continue. I hope she’ll understand me and not leave.

“It’s time I told you the whole story of what happened that night. No one knows the full version. They only know what I told them I remembered. Promise me you won’t interrupt until I’m done, and please understand this is really hard for me. I’m not sure how I’ll be after, so please, bear with me.”

“I understand. I’m here for you, always. “My grip around her tightens, hoping my hug will tell her how much she means to me. It hits me then—she means more to me than I realized. Telling her will help free the guilt from me; at least that’s what I hope. I adjust her off my lap so that we are sitting in front of each other. She moves her legs over mine and slides as close as she can without straddling me. Her hands crawl up my arms to cup my face. She doesn’t say anything, but her eyes tell me that she’s here to listen, hold me, and comfort me.

“I’m telling you because it didn’t occur to me until tonight how much I care for you—how much I want to be free and open for you and us. I feel myself falling for you.”

She takes her hands off my face and rests them on my forearms. “I care so much for you, Ben. I thought I didn’t need to care or believe again. Somehow you’ve found your way in, and I’m falling slowly.”

Listening to her, it hits me. This is the moment. The moment I regain consciousness. I’m falling in love with her. “I’ll always catch you, and if our grip should loosen along the way, I’ll make sure to hold on tighter for both of us.” My lips find hers in a soft, sweet kiss, and my broken heart becomes whole.

This is it. I’m in love. I briefly wonder how I managed to get myself into this again, but this time feels different. It’s not just a physical or emotional love. It’s a spiritual love, too. I’m connecting with him on a completely different level. So I sit here, legs entwined with his, and allow my heart to be open. Whatever he has to tell me will affect the dynamic between us.

Ben opens his mouth to talk while I catch my shaky breath. “I meant what I said. You see me, all of me.” He pauses, and I wait for what he’s trying to get out. “I met Beth when we were in college. We kind of grew and changed together, and she matured me. As we got older, our lives went off in different directions. We both believed in us, so we made sacrifices for the other.

I watch Ben look away as if he’s struggling for what to say next. “She loved the idea of the winery and me taking over, but she also liked living in the city. We worked balancing our adult lives and growing with the changes. We were mapping out our future when all our plans were taken away in an instant. She was taken from me that night, and a big part of me was taken, too.”

I can feel the bile rising in my throat. I want to hear what he has to say, but it scares me. It’s obviously a huge burden that he carries daily. Not being able to talk is torture, but I promised not to interrupt. So instead I take hold of his hands and wait.

“We hadn’t been engaged long. We were heading out of town down the coast to Carmel for the weekend. We were going there to celebrate our engagement. We were so happy that day.” He pulls one hand away and rubs at his neck. “We were talking about wedding plans and how our parents were getting a bit crazy with all of it. We were joking around, but I could tell she was excited to plan it. We thought one of the old missions in Carmel would be a beautiful place to get married.”

Ben squeezes my hand like a vice, and I want to whimper, but I’m afraid if I make a noise he’ll stop talking. “This is a lot harder to talk about. Shit.” I watch him close his eyes and squeeze them shut for several seconds.

Ben breaks contact with me and bolts up to his feet. He paces back and forth, and I still keep my mouth shut. I follow him up and reach for his wrist so he knows I’m here. He keeps his body turned away from me, staring into the distance.

“Anyway, she had this big folder filled with magazines and shit. It was packed in the back seat. She was jumping up and down in her seat from all the excitement. I remember her turning to me and smiling the biggest grin I’d ever seen on her. She took my hand and pressed light kisses on it, and everything felt right in that moment.”

Turning into me, he places his hand at the curve of my neck, rubbing his thumb delicately back and forth along my jaw line. “The next thing I remember is smiling back at her while she unbuckled her seatbelt.” Ben presses his forehead on to mine, his eyes shut tight. “Why didn’t I say something? I just watched her unbuckle and lean over to me. I felt her kiss my neck and cheek, tickling them with her nose. She whispered in my ear that she loved me, and that’s when my eyes looked into the rearview mirror.”

Ben’s shaking body and the wetness on my face prompt me to speak up. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anymore. I understand why you got angry about the seatbelt.”

I can hear his breath heaving as if trying to expel all the hurt and pain. “I need to finish. You need to know what happened. I think it will explain why it’s been difficult moving my life forward.”

“Okay. If you want to tell me then I want to hear everything you have to say. Just know that if you need to stop, I get it.”

He nods his head as he wipes his tears away. His tears are cathartic and make my love for him real. “It’s so fucking stupid. I was approaching a red light and slowing the car down. All she did was unbuckle to kiss me. I’m not sure why I looked in the mirror—instinct, I guess. I could see the truck coming closer, and it didn’t register to me that it wasn’t slowing down. I fucking stared at it while it approached us. My body felt paralyzed, and my mouth wouldn’t work. Finally, her laughter brought me back to reality. She had no fucking clue the truck was coming. I yelled at her to sit down and pushed her body back to the seat. My foot pressed down on the gas pedal as I frantically turned the wheel, but there was nowhere to go. I couldn’t get us out.”

Ben takes several steps backward away from me. The sharp ache in my chest is probably nothing like his. This story is only going to get worse, and there’s nothing I can do to help him. He wants to tell their ending, and I have to listen while I watch him relive his pain and grief.

I know that I have to keep telling her, but the painful memories are too much. I haven’t really spoken about it in so long. At night it haunts my dreams, and during the day I try to bury it. I feel my jaw clench as my fists open and squeeze shut. It’s time to face the image of Beth dying in my arms while I’m awake.

I suck in my breath before continuing, “I yelled again for her to sit back and buckle, but somehow I knew it was too late. I could see the panic in her eyes. I think she yelled my name and reached out for me. It all happened so fast that it felt like a blur. I reached my arm across her to try and lessen the impact. But I knew it wouldn’t be enough.”

I reach my arm out to Sam in a protective gesture, like I’m reliving the moment. “The impact of the crash seemed like a high speed runaway train roaring down the track without brakes. There was no way my arm could hold her, but it was all I could think of doing.”

I hear her footsteps scrape across the dirt as she approaches me. Her hand reaches out for me, but I shake her off. I don’t think I can handle her touch right now. Instead, I sit back down with my head hanging low between my legs, trying to control my breathing. Looking into Sam’s eyes is not an option. Her body sits beside me and I let the silence of the night fill in the gaps.

I don’t know how long I’ve been quiet, but finally I feel I can continue. “I watched her body fling forward into the windshield. The look on her face as her head hit the windshield haunts me. The sound of the glass crunching and crackling will be one I’ll never forget … and the blood. There was so much fucking blood. It was everywhere dripping off of her and onto my hands.” My tears flow freely again as her soft touch rubs my back.

“The worst fucking part was the look in her eyes. I saw so many emotions pass through them. First it was fear, then it quickly moved to pain, sorrow, loss, love, and then peace. I touched her face as she trembled and took her last breath. I whispered I love yous to her and told her she’d be okay, but I knew she wouldn’t be. She blinked a few times as her breath weakened. I held her close to me and listened as her breaths decreased. There was chaos all around us, but I couldn’t let her go.” I lift my head up and chance a look at Sam. The sorrow in her eyes is one I’m familiar with.

“I think she knew she was dying. I kissed her lips softly as she continued to stare deeply at me. She blinked a few tears down her face and with what strength she had left, touched my cheek. Her lips curved up slightly as if saying goodbye and then nothing. She was gone. I held her as she died in my arms. I watched her take her last breath and leave me.”

As we sit there in the darkness, side by side, my sense of time means nothing to me. She knows everything; she knows my guilt and sorrow. “You unbuckling tonight triggered my nightmares. I love Beth and she’ll always be a part of me, but I want you to know that I do feel things for you too. I don’t want to deny what we’re starting; I’m just not sure how far to go.”

Her fingertips lightly tracing on my back stops while her body shifts toward me to speak. “I know you still love her and it would be crazy for me to think that this would be easy. I would never ask you to forget Beth, but is there room in your heart for me and for love? I’m willing to try if you are.”

That’s the question I’ve been trying to figure out. She’s letting it all hang out while I wait for an epiphany. One that I’m not sure will ever come. But I can offer something. “I have to believe there’s room for love because living like I have been sucks ass.” We both laugh and the lightness is welcoming. I’ve been living with guilt and fear about what happened that night. Telling Sam feels like a step in the right direction.

She sucks in a breath before letting it out slowly. “Ben, I know people have told you over and over again that it was an accident, so it seems stupid for me to say that to you right now.” She touches my cheek and the intimate gesture sends even more pangs to my chest. “I know that you know in that thick headed brain of yours that this wasn’t your fault. It’s time that you accept it and start living again. I can’t even imagine what that must feel like for you. If your last look at each other was of love then hold on to that and let the rest go.”