Finding Home (26 page)

His breathing changes as my fingers continue descending downward. This time when I touch his buckle he doesn’t stop me. “You should know that you gave me one of the best orgasms I’ve ever had, and you barely touched me.” Removing his belt and unsnapping his jeans, my nimble fingers slide into his jeans, exploring his hardness. The heat in my core continues to build as I imagine my hands stroking him. “Ben, let me touch you.”

Holy fuck!
Her fingers are moving around like she’s investigating every inch of my cock. And it feels fan–fucking-tastic. There are no logical thoughts forming in my brain right now, so I just let her take over, and I’m okay with that. I can only moan when she continues to delve even deeper. “Ben, sit back.” I do as I’m told and lean back on the couch. She stands up over me and makes quick work of removing her sweater. The shape of her breasts molds perfectly with her lace bra. I make out the faint pinkness of her hardened nipples begging to be set free and sucked on. My hardness increases, if that’s even possible.

I watch her lightly stroke her breast with tenderness and care. The raw look of desire from her eyes slay me. I have to touch her. “Is that how you touch yourself when you’re alone in your bed at night?” My hand reaches out for her, but she halts them by shaking her head.

“This is for you.”She kneels down and grabs my jeans and jerks them down. My boxer briefs go next, and I’m completely exposed to her. I can’t help but feel a sense of pride when she takes a good long look at my cock. “Shit. You’re huge.” I can only chuckle for a second because her hand wraps around me, stroking me with a combination of gentleness and firmness that is uniquely her. Her touch is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before, and it’s perfect.
She’s
perfect.

“Sam, goddamn, baby … that feels amazing. Your hands fit me perfectly.” She increases the pace as she moves up and down with precision and ease. I touch her face and pull her lips to mine. Our tongues meet and move with the same rhythm as her hands. I break away breathlessly, recognizing the familiar shocks that are jolting me closer to the edge.

“Sam, I’m not going to last much longer.” I place my hands over hers, and we work together to bring me to the precipice. “You feel so good. I’m going to come.” I try to take her hands away, but she stops me by pushing me back.

She leans in and sighs seductively. “Come for me, Ben. I want to feel you all over my hands.” She quickens the pace again—first slowly then faster. “Let me feel every bit of you.” That’s all I need. I explode all over her hands and fingers. The satisfaction appearing on her face is remarkable. Casually, she reaches over for a napkin to wipe herself off, and then what she does next has to be one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen. She leisurely raises her fingers to her lips and licks.

“Holy fuck, Sam! That is the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Throwing her head back, she laughs and continues to lick the next one. “You taste so good.” She offers one of her fingers to me, and I lick my taste off her. It is by far one of the most erotic things I’ve ever experienced. She traces her tongue over her fingers a few more times. I begin to imagine licking her taste off me.

“Sam, I want to taste you.” She smiles at me brazenly. “Soon, Ben. Very soon.”

There’s no way to silence the growl that erupts from deep within me. Gripping her arms tightly, I slam her into me. An animalistic side that’s been caged in is unleashed. “Your touch is, by far, the best thing I’ve ever felt.” I yank her onto my lap, and my sudden movement shocks her. “You’re right about the begging; you’ll have me on my knees soon.” I lay her down on the couch and hover over her. My desire for her is up yet another notch. “I know we said no sex, but I need to feel you still.” I run my hand over and under her breast then back to her lips. “Can we keep kissing? I really need to have my lips on you. I’m a desperate man.” I watch her laugh again as she places her hand where my hair meets my neck, and she massages it soothingly.

“Well, I don’t want you feeling desperate. I think kissing could be arranged.” I don’t waste another second and kiss her with everything I have. All of my passion for her resonates within my kiss. I hope it conveys how deeply I feel for her.

I wake up the next day feeling a bit edgy. Everything that occurred last night was perfect, but I can’t help the nagging feeling that stirs in my gut. When she wrapped her lively fingers around me, I thought I was pretty damn close to heaven, but I knew being inside her would be arriving there. Still, I can’t ignore my unsettledness.

As I get out of bed I look over at the coffee table. The movie we watched last night lays in its case. After a long make out session, reminding me of my high school days, we popped in
Sixteen Candles
.
I laugh, thinking about how excited she was when she saw my movie collection.

She cuddles into me and we sit wrapped in the comfort of our arms and my fuzzy blanket.

My eyes continue their restless shifting until they hone in on the bag. Curiosity gets the better of me, and I suddenly need to know what’s in it. My jumpiness goes into overdrive, and I can’t ignore the knots in my stomach. Right away, I know what’s bugging me. Sam must have found the picture I threw in the back of the drawer—the picture of Beth and me. Reaching inside, I gingerly pull it out. I stare at it for several minutes. This picture captured the pure love and happiness we once shared. The keyword being
once
.

My vision turns hazy as I’m taken back in time, a time when we were in love and planning our future together. My fingers graze over the photo as I recall all that was Beth. She had been everything to me. Setting the picture down, it hits me. Just when I thought this didn’t bother me anymore, one look at her face, and I’m thrown for a loop. Last night felt so good and real, and I wanted Sam. So why is it bothering me today? Could it be guilt?

The longer I sit staring at her, the more it feels like she’s mocking me. It reminds me of what we had and what we lost. I can’t disregard my feelings at the moment. I guess I’m not in as good a place as I thought or hoped. Fuck! What do I do, and how do I tell her?

Within minutes, the familiar ache in my chest hits me with a sudden sharpness that progresses to lack of air. My heart rate accelerates and the lightheadedness comes next. I recognize these symptoms: a panic attack. Desperately trying to control my erratic breathing, I begin to count backward from one hundred.
Shit! I need to get out of here.

My defenses are up, and I go into fight and flight mode. Something I’ve excelled at since Beth died. Picking up the phone, I dial Jack.

“Hey asshat! What’s up?”

“Listen, I gotta get out of here for a few days to clear my head.” My hand tugs my hair harshly as if it’s being punished by my actions.

“Okay, man. Come into the city. We can meet up before practice and grab some beers after.”

“Sounds like a plan. I think I need to crash with you for a few days.” I tug harder hoping the pull will ease the headache forming. “Work will have to deal without me in person.”

“No problem, bro. You can stay here as long as you need to. But answer me this. Does this have to do with Sam?” There’s no missing the concern in voice.

“I don’t want to get into it right now. But, yeah it does.”

“Just do me a favor. I know you’re running away, but tell her before you go. Man up.”

“I know I should fucking man-up.”

“Listen, just relax and talk to her before you leave.” He pauses, and it forces me to pay attention to what he’s going to say next. “You said you could talk to her.”
And there it is
. He’s right. I easily talk to her above anyone else. So why can’t I talk to her now?

“Yeah. Okay. I’ll see you later.”

“Later, man, and fucking talk to her!”

I hang up and wonder how the hell I’m going to explain this. Last night she told me about the pieces of shit who had been in her life. And now, lucky me, I get to be the next one.

I wake up giddy with anticipation for the week ahead. Dress shopping today and the ball at the end of the week. I race through the motions of getting ready as quickly as I can. My excitement to see Ben prompts me to move even faster.

Climbing his apartment steps two at a time, the anticipation of kissing him again fuels my urgency. As I reach up to knock on his door, he opens it. I smile brightly at him as I leap into his arms. I throw everything I have into the embrace. As my hug squeezes him harder, it occurs to me that I barely feel his arms. One is partially around me while the other falls loosely against his side.

Stepping back from the embrace I take note of the apprehension present in his eyes before he breaks eye contact with me. My eyes follow his gaze downward, and I spot the bag next to him. I look back up to his face and I wait. I wait for some explanation of why there’s a packed bag sitting there. Finally, he clears his throat and manages to look at me.

“I was just coming over to see you.” Mentally, I take note of his telltale nervous signs. Signs I’ve begun to associate with him. Head scratching, neck rubbing, and shifting side to side. This time he’s doing the shift thing.

“Oh yeah?” Yet again, I wait. I will not give him the satisfaction of asking him what the bag is for.

“I … uh … I’m taking off for a couple of days. I’m going to crash with Jack.” The feet shifting has changed to neck rubbing.

“Okay. Can I ask why?”
I already know why
,
but I’m obviously a glutton for punishment
.

“Well, we said total honesty, so here it goes. Umm … I’m freaking out right now. I thought I was okay last night, but when I woke up this morning I wasn’t.”

I reach out and take his hand off his neck and hold it in mine. “It’s because of the picture, isn’t it? I’ve been scared to bring it over to you. You’re … you’re still in love with her.”

“I don’t know what I am. Everything was perfect last night. But when I woke up this morning, I looked at the picture, and she was staring at me. I’m questioning what I’m doing at this moment and if I’m really ready for all this.”

I detach myself from our clasped hands and step away. I have to clench my fists together so I don’t slap him. “Well, you felt pretty ready last night … especially on my hands. Sorry. That was uncalled for. I thought we were on the same page.”

“I deserve that, and I thought we were, too. All I can say is, I’m sorry, again. I guess I need some time to clear my head. You’ve only been here a few weeks, and I’ve been so wrapped up in moving forward that maybe my forward is too fast.” He reaches out and touches my cheek, softly stroking it. “I need to figure us out without being around you. You tempt me in a way I never expected, and it’s time for me to get my head on straight.”

“Ben, this is incredibly hard for me, but I’m trying to understand what you’re saying.” I take hold of his hand, brushing my lips across his knuckles. This is the only affection I can muster. “I can’t do this again, Ben. I won’t put myself out on the line for more heartbreak. No ultimatums here, but I can’t wait around for you to figure out what you want. It hurts too much, and it’s not fair to you or me.”