Finding Home (34 page)

Sitting on the couch, I will my phone to chime again, but no such luck. Jenny texted me that she made it home and would see me tomorrow. In reply, I expressed my concern over what happened tonight and how she reacted. I shouldn’t be surprised that she hasn’t responded. She’s not ready to talk yet.

Yawning, I check the time and note how late it is. My anxiety is beginning to dissipate, and I realize I need to cut the shit. I tiptoe back into the room and gently pull back the covers to climb in and get under. Ben turns his body into mine in a spooning position. His arm pulls me as close as our bodies can be without being inside each other. My last bit of tension is now gone as I feel his breath tickle my ear. This is what real love must feel like.

Just as I close my eyes and surrender to sleep, I hear it come out of his lips and feel the word on my neck. The one name I feared the most. The name he calls out into the night. “Beth.”

Everything stops.

In a moment of sleep innocence he calls her name. What does this mean? Is he imagining her lying next to him? Is it her who he really wants? Is he dreaming of her right now?

A sharp pain from deep within surfaces, and it’s too much to bear. The unwelcoming bile begins to rise up into my throat. My heart rate picks up, and the feeling of despair overcomes me. I know these signs all too well. A full-blown panic attack is ready to assail my mind and body.
Shit. Why is this happening? And why with Ben? Shit. I need to get out of here.

The sun peeks through the curtains and tempts me to open my eyes and wake up. As much as I would love to roll over and start my day inside of Sam, I’m just not ready yet. Last night was, by far, one of the best nights of my life. I vaguely remember the dream I had last night, and I can’t wait to share it with her but in a few more minutes. I’m not ready to start the day just yet.

Lying here, next to her, I never thought I could move on and experience love again. I want to savor this moment, the moment I realize how much I’m in love with Sam. There’s no denying it. Once we make love, I’ll take her in my arms and whisper the words in her ear.

Opening my eyes gradually, I reach out to touch her. My hand feels nothing so I roll to her side of the bed. Still nothing. Now my eyes are wide open as I stare at the empty side of her bed. Trying not to panic, I look around and think maybe she’s in the bathroom or kitchen. “Sam? Babe? Where are you? Come back to bed.” I glance at the clock and curse myself for sleeping so damn late. She must be up.

Rolling out of bed, I grab my sleep shorts and walk out into the living room. I’m only met with quiet. “Sam?”

Nothing.

“What the hell?” Her bag is gone, and there’s a note on the table. “You’ve got to be kidding me. A note?” Queasiness sets in at the thought of what it could say. My whole world can crash again if it says what I think it does. As I approach the note my phone vibrates on the counter. Looking back and forth between the note and phone, I hesitate. I’m not sure what’s the better option. “Fuck it.” Grabbing my phone I see that it is Jack. Sliding my finger across to answer, I barely get out a hello before he interrupts me.

“Dammit Ben, I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all fucking morning!”

“I’ve been sleeping. What’s going on? You sound crazed, man.”

“You just got up? So you don’t know?”

“Know what?”

“Sorry, man. Sam … she—” My mind goes ballistic thinking that something terrible has happened to her.

“What about Sam? Is she okay … did she get hurt? She’s not here. Do you know where she is?”

“Ben. Ben. Shut the fuck up and let me finish! She left. She took off with your car and drove back to Napa.”

“Oh ... thank God. I thought she was hurt. She took my car? I would have driven her back. And why did she leave any—?” Jack interrupts me from my rant.

“Ben, stop and listen. I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but she packed up her stuff and left. Jenny dropped her at the airport first thing this morning. We’ve been trying to call you. She’s flying home to Boston as we speak.”

“Boston? Why? What the hell? Listen, I gotta go.” My chest tightens with each breath I attempt to take. Why would she leave? Everything’s been perfect. Looking back at the table, the note sits there urging me to move my ass over and open it. My hands tremble as I unfold it. It doesn’t take me long to read it. There are only three lines on it.

Dear Ben,

I’m sorry, but I can’t be here anymore. I can’t compete with a ghost, not one you’re still in love with. I couldn’t leave without you knowing that you made me believe in love again. I love you. You are my home.

Love,

Sam

My body slumps down on the couch while I grip the letter tightly. This makes no sense. We had the most amazing day yesterday. We laughed, talked, and made love all night long. I friggin’ told her how much she means to me. And she up and leaves? I crumple the note and throw it across the room. The knock on my front door stops me from throwing my phone along with it. Opening the door forcefully, I’m greeted by my sister’s somber face.
This is not going to be good.

“Can I come in?” I nod and step aside. “I’m returning your car to you. Here are the keys.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass about the keys! What the fuck is going on?” There’s no way to hide my increasing rage.

“Okay Benny, calm down. I take it Jack got a hold of you?”

“Yeah, he did, and I got the note. So you better start talking. Let’s start with you telling me where she is.”

Jenny walks over to my couch and motions for me to sit down. “She’s on her way back to Boston. She got a chance at a job and decided to go home. I dropped her off about two hours ago.”

“Why? And job offer? Why didn’t you call me?” My loud voice startles her, and I try, in vain, to take a few calming breaths.

“You have to understand; she’s my friend. I promised her I wouldn’t call you until after I dropped her off. Jack and I have been trying to reach you all morning.”

“It still doesn’t explain why she left. I mean, she told me she loved me in a fucking note and then takes off? It doesn’t make any fucking sense!” My body jumps up, feverishly pacing the room.

“You don’t remember or know?” Shaking my head wildly, I stop and wait for more. “You whispered Beth’s name in her ear. She kind of freaked out and ran out of here as fast as she could.”

Confusion and disbelief take over me. “I don’t understand. Why would I say Beth’s name?” My body collapses down next to her, slouching in defeat. “I fucking love her, Jenny. Sam’s it for me.”

Jenny’s arm drapes over me in comfort, but it does nothing to help me. “I never thought I would ever hear you say those words again. I’m glad that you opened your heart up, but that doesn’t explain why you said Beth’s name.”

Shrugging my shoulders I try to replay the previous night in my mind. Not once had I thought of Beth, even when we made love in our old bed. All I could see and feel was Sam. Closing my eyes, I lean back against the cushion while rubbing my temples, hoping it will ease my headache.

“I don’t know what to tell you. Are you sure you’re over Beth?”

“Yes, I’m sure. I even had a dream about letting her go last night, for Christ’s sake!”

“Wait. What? You had a dream last night? What was the dream about?”

“Beth came to me. It started as the usual nightmare of the accident, but this time I didn’t wake up. I let myself continue the dream. Just when I get to the part where she dies, it breaks, and we’re both in a field. She covers me in her arms and kisses me on the cheek. She tells me she loves me and wants me to be happy. And then we say goodbye.”

Looking up, I can see a tear run down Jenny’s face. “I woke up in peace today. Part of it’s because of Sam. The other part is because I finally and completely let go.”

“Ben, you better get your ass packed and go get her.”

“She ran this time. We told ourselves we wouldn’t do that to each other.”

“Listen to me. She has had her heart trampled by ex-boyfriends and her parents more times than you can imagine. Yes, she panicked and ran, but let me remind you that you did, too. Now cut the shit and go get her.”

“I don’t know if I can.” My hand rubs over my heart to stop the burn.

“Well, then you’re an idiot.” Jenny gets up off the couch and hands me another note. “I wasn’t sure if I should give this to you, but I promised Sam I would. Call me later. I’m heading over to Jack’s.”

I’ve been staring at the note for almost a week now. I have no idea why it scares me to open it. She said she loved me and then took off. What more could she do? She already ripped my heart out. Maybe she had it right. Total avoidance of heartbreak, love, and relationships is the way to go. Life is easier this way. I fucking took a chance and went for it. All it got me was a note and a gaping hole in my chest.

I’ve been avoiding everyone. My phone’s going off constantly, but I ignore it. I have nothing to say to anyone, and what could anyone say to me to help me feel better. The only person I want to hear from hasn’t contacted me. So, I’ll sit here and mope like a fucking pussy until the pain goes away.

I grab the crinkled letter for what seems like the hundredth time. “Fuck it! Tearing it open, my body’s defenses go up, and I brace myself for her worst.

Dear Ben,

I stopped packing up because the thought of leaving you hurts so much. I thought if I put my thoughts on to paper it would help you understand why I left. You may not realize it now, but my leaving is for the best. You may think that you’re ready for us, but your head needs to catch up with your heart.

Hearing you say her name while in your arms last night sucked the air right out of me. I want you to be happy … always. Please understand that I can’t be around you while you figure out what you want. It’s too much—wanting someone you can’t have.

Most of my life I’ve been walking a long, windy path, not really knowing where to go. My path has been filled with one obstacle after another. Every so often I’d come to a break in the path and have to choose which way to go. Some paths I ignored while others I took. Each way I went had a different outcome. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad. Then I came to your path. I thought about ignoring it, but I chose to follow. I kept walking along with all the bends and turns, excited for what was to come.

Then, I see you at the end. Standing. Waiting. Reaching out for me. I take your hand so we can continue the walk together. I know if we follow the path, we are finding our way home. But your past is still with you, and you can’t go any farther. So, instead of going together, I’ll take it for us. Hopefully you’ll follow me, and, when you do, I’ll be there at the end. Standing. Waiting. Reaching out for you. Finally finding us. Finding love. Finding home.

“Shit. Why didn’t I open this letter sooner?” I’ll tell you why. ‘Cause I’m too fucking dumb about this shit. I read it over and over again, each time coming to the same conclusion. She wants me to decide once and for all and stand firm. Every day this week, I’ve wondered if I’m making the right decisions, but here in this letter, she’s asking me to follow her. The problem is that I am not sure that I am man enough.

Harsh banging interrupts the verbal diarrhea going on in my head. Loud and impatient—that means it can only be one person. “Dude, open the fucking door! I know you’re in there, dickhead!”

Opening the door, I see that it’s not only Jack, but Jenny, too. They push their way inside and take stock of my apartment. I admit it’s not a pretty sight. Clothes, take out boxes, and dishes everywhere decorate the space.

They both stare at each other before leading me to sit down on the chair.

Jenny speaks first. “Benny, this is an intervention.” Her look of determination would be sweet if I wasn’t so irritated by their intrusion.

“Yeah, man, seriously. You look like shit, and your house smells. In fact, you smell.” Reaching up, I touch the scruff on my face and take a whiff of my armpit. He’s right; I stink.