Finding Home (28 page)

“Trust me when I tell you that he wants you; he just can’t admit it yet.”

“How can you be so sure? Did you talk to him and not tell me?”

“No. Not exactly.” There goes that crooked smile again.

“Spill it!”

“I told you that I didn’t talk to him this past week, but I did talk to him a few minutes ago.”

“What! I told you to leave it alone. God, do you ever listen to me?”

“I know, but you know I don’t listen. I have a huge issue with impulsivity. I just want to see you both happy!” The frustration in her voice is exactly how my body and mind feel. She pulls me into a hug. “You two are my rocks and the coolest people I know. You are meant to be together. I can feel it.”

“I wish I had your confidence.” I move to the bar hoping to get something to ease my nerves. “Besides, I need to work on being in the same room as him and not making an ass of myself. There’s no room for love or any of that other mushy shit tonight.” I rest my arms on the bar and motion to the bartender. “I need to get my game face on so that I can make it through the night.”

“Not that rule thing again. I thought you were done with them.” She eyes me with a look of disgust that quickly turns to giddiness. “Yeah, well let’s see how well that goes for you in exactly five seconds.” She shoves her body off the bar and begins to count down softly.

“What are you talking about … five seconds?”

“3 … 2 … 1 … turn around, Sam. See ya!”

“Jenny. What the fu—” Turning my body around, I’m faced with Ben’s eyes locked directly on mine. I immediately blush red. “—ck!”

“Were you swearing again, Sam?”

“Umm, yeah, I was, am swearing. What can I say? We Bostonians aren’t known for our demure mouths. You should see me during football season.” I raise my fist and pump it into the air. “Go Patriots.”

He chuckles at me before his look turns serious. “You look beautiful tonight. I immediately spotted you from across the room and couldn’t take my eyes off you.”

His hand touches my face tenderly and his warmth overwhelms me. I want to lean into his touch, but I can’t do it. My eyes cast downward, trying to muster some sort of fake confidence. Sucking in a deep breath, I then let it out.
It’s game time!
I look right at him so that he understands how serious I am. “You ran.”

Defeat appears on his face, while I watch him silently nod. “I ran.”

“Are you done running?”

He rubs his neck, breaking eye contact. I brace myself for what he’s about to say. Something I should have seen coming but was too blind to it.

“I want to be done.”

Placing my hands on his shoulders, I bend down, forcing him to look at me. “That’s not the answer I hoped for. I thought your time away would make things clearer for you. So I guess it’s my turn to run now. Goodbye, Ben.” Delicately, I kiss him on the cheek before moving past him into the growing crowd, not looking back. I will not allow anyone—especially him—see one tear fall. Stepping outside for air, I see Gramps walking toward me. He waves me over with one of the biggest grins I’ve ever seen.

“Well, hello, beautiful young lady.”

“Well, hello to you. Don’t you look handsome this evening?”

“Why thank you, my dear. I clean up pretty good.” He laughs and bends his arm for me to hook into his. “Can I escort you into this lovely affair? It looks like you’re going the wrong way.”

“Actually, I’ve already been inside. It’s not for me. I’m heading back to the house.”

“Hogwash! I insist that you allow me to accompany you. I also insist that I get the first dance of the evening.” He has a devilish look on his face that worries me. “I won’t take no for an answer! Come on, darling, make an old man happy.” He shrugs his shoulders and gives me a little wink.

“Gramps, you know I can’t say no to you—especially when you pull out the wink. The men in this family don’t play fair.” I link his arm even tighter as we make our way into the tent.

“Don’t let him get you down. He’ll come around. Don’t you worry, my dear.”

“I’m not so sure about that.” Pulling to a stop, his look of ease turns serious.

“I can see it. Everyone can. He’s just not ready to see it himself, but he will.” He pulls me to the dance floor. “This is my song. Care to go for a whirl?”

I hear “The Way You Look Tonight” playing in the background. “This is one of my favorites. I would love to go for a whirl. But be warned, I’m quite the dancer. My mom made me take ballroom lessons.”

“Ha! Oh my dear, you will need to keep up with me. And just so you know, every young man here is going to be asking you to dance.” We place our arms into the proper dance position stance. “Including my grandson. Time to make him jealous.”

I have no doubt that Gramps is a total manipulator. “Bring it on! Let’s make him jealous.”

I stand at the bar and watch her dance song after song with my grandfather. Then some asshole cuts in, and I have to torture myself some more. Watching her move and touch another man is too much to bear. The time apart did nothing to calm my need for her. Seeing her with someone else crushes me. Seeing her give that smile to an unworthy partner is not part of my plan. “I’m a fucking pussy,” I mutter to no one.

“Yeah you are.” Jack bangs me on my back.

“Fuck you, Jack!”

“Hey, you’re the one who said it, not me. I’m just agreeing with you. Man, she looks stunning tonight.” I swear I could punch him in the face. “I may have to ask her to dance later. Look at how she moves.”

There’s no way in hell I’ll let Jack near her. “The fuck you will. See all these men here tonight? I’ve been watching them stare at her, and I want to fucking kick their asses. Starting with the one dancing with her.”

“I hate to break it to you, buddy, but what the hell did you think would happen? Dude, she’s gorgeous.”

I smack him on the shoulder hard, hoping to make the point that he needs to keep his mouth shut. “I know that. But I don’t fucking deserve her, though. I’m too broken. Even though I want her, I’m just too fucked up.”

“Bullshit! Listen, I’ve been trying to be the patient friend. Get you drunk, hit you hard on the field, and back you up, but not anymore. Get your ass out there and ask her to dance or else I will. And if it’s not me, then someone else will, and you could lose her. Your bullshit hang-ups and excuses need to stop. Don’t blow your chance.” Jack places his arm around my shoulder and yanks me in for a side hug. “Everyone deserves happiness and second chances. Even you, jerk off!”

“I couldn’t agree with you more. And that says a lot considering it’s coming from you, Jack.” Jenny has somehow butted into our conversation.

“I can’t catch a break tonight. The two of you are bullying me. I need a fucking drink.” I thump my feet like a school kid and walk away from an argument.
Fuck all of them. I’ll be fine.

The several scotches do nothing to help me deal with her presence. Watching her dance with two other men tonight fuels my urge to beat the shit out them. My hands bloodying up their noses and blackening an eye or two would feel so good right now. All night I’ve been staring at her like a crazed stalker. I watch her smile, laugh, dance, and drink with other people. She’s been with everyone else except me. Why am I surprised and hurt by this? This is what I want. This is the smart decision. I toss back the next shot. “Fuck it.”

I move to leave but can’t stop myself from glancing at her one more time. This time she’s with Jack, Jenny, and Gramps, and they’re laughing out loud at something Jack said. I want to ignore her, but her gravitational pull is too strong.

“Hi. Is everyone enjoying their night?” I’m asking the whole table, but I really only care about her answer.

I faintly hear some responses. My ears perk up when she finally responds. “I’m having a great time. Your grandfather is quite the dancer. The food is terrific and …” I tune her rambling out, smiling inwardly, because I know she’s just as anxious as I am. Maybe there’s hope I still affect her as much as she does me.

“That’s great. I’m glad you’re enjoying the party.”

“I am.”

I must be staring at her for a while because I feel Jack’s hand whack my back, jolting me back to the present.

I listen with laughter as Jack tells the story of how we met. Jenny and Sam laugh as he retells the time we beat each other up on the playground over a girl in our fourth grade class. We both liked her and thought we could fight for her. “Yeah, so here I am in a headlock move that I learned from watching WWF. I’m thinking I’ve got the upper hand,” Jack states while imitating the headlock. “That’s when we both look up and notice the girl we like is walking away with Tom. He walked right in and scooped her away. We’ve been best friends since.” He smacks my back again, this time in a friendlier manner.

Her smile and laughter light up her face, and I’m momentarily mesmerized again. I can’t think of anything to say, so instead I stare at her like an idiot. Sam makes eye contact with me for short spurts of time, but never maintains it.

“Did you hear what I said?” Shit, Jenny must have been talking to me.

“No, sorry, I didn’t.”

“Hmm, of course you didn’t. You’re too busy gawking at Sam.”
I could kill her
. “What I said is that you ended up bringing Jack home that day after school, and you’ve both tortured me ever since!”

“Yeah, Jack always did like to pester you until you cried.” My eyes are still glued to Sam. She knows it because I can see her skin turning a slight shade of pink.
That’s the effect I’m looking for
.

“Oh, come on, guys. I’m all grown up now. I only pull her hair every once and awhile. Like right now.” I watch him pull her hair, and she swats him in the chest.

“Sounds like the three of you have a great history,” Sam says, stifling a laugh.

“We do.” I reach out and touch the flower in her hair. The look of surprise from my touch quickly changes—to lust?
It’s confirmed!
Her hands fumble with her hair and then she rubs them down her dress. I can see a moment of hesitation before she opens her mouth.

“Ben.”

“Yeah.”

“Would you like to have that dance now?”

Fuck.
I want to, but at the same time I don’t. I’m really a fucking pussy. I can’t bring myself to dance with her. Because I know if I touch her one more time, I’m done for. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Sam, it’s just that I—” She interrupts me before I can say more.

“Ben, it’s okay. That’s fine.”

Silence consumes the table, and the awkwardness is damn near killing me. I sense every set of eyes on me, except hers. Hers shift erratically and appear sad and defeated. Knowing that I made her feel this way tears me up. Sticking to my original plan, I make a move to get out of here. Just before saying goodnight, Jack’s voice interrupts the quiet.

“Sam, would you do me the honor of this dance? I’m not sure I can keep up with your mad dance skills, but I’d like to try.” Her smile is faint as she nods her head. Her hand fills his as they walk out to the dance floor. Watching her hand in his burns me to the core. Her fucking hands were on me, touching me, less than a week ago. My best friend stepped in to save face. Instead of being grateful, I’m consumed with jealous rage. They start to dance, his arm around her waist, pulling her closer into him.
Fuck him!
It takes every ounce of my willpower to not go out there and claim her.

“What the hell?” My hand instantly rubs the spot on my head where I was assaulted. Gramps’s maddening face tells me I’m in for it.

“Ben, my boy,
you
are an idiot! I thought we raised you better than that!” He points his hand wickedly around, his whole body flaring up with anger. “When a beautiful girl asks you to dance, you dance! Listen, if you don’t want her, then stop looking at her and don’t reach out and touch her. Leave her alone.”

“I left. I thought being away from her would help.”

“Well, did it? ‘Cause to me you look like a little boy who can’t make up his mind on which shiny toy he wants.”

“I don’t know.” I hang my head in shame. He’s right. I’m acting like the whiny, greedy child who wants both toys.

I feel another smack against my head.
Again? Shit that hurts.