Finding Home (21 page)

“Fuck! You’re torturing me. You know that, right? A lovely yet painful torture.” He starts to rub his neck. “I have to say, you certainly make things interesting.”

“You’re an easy target sometimes. Hasn’t anyone screwed around with you?” The bread arrives just in time, and I dive into it.

“Well, mostly the guys do, but having a girl give me shit is even better. You keep me on my toes. It’s nice. This is fun, and I like having fun with you.”

I reach for more bread and notice that I’ve devoured pretty much the entire thing. “Told you I like bread! Sorry, did you want some?”

“No, I’m good. I like watching you eat, though. You really like to eat.”

“You totally realize you opened the door wide for that one.” I shove more of the buttery garlic goodness in my mouth.

“Look who’s got the dirty mind now. I’m talking about food. What else would I be talking about?”

“Ben, I think you and I are going to have fun tonight. This has been a great redo so far. Thanks for taking me out again. And in case I forget to tell you later tonight, I had a great time.” His eyes turn a soft shade of bluish gray; they look warm and inviting.

“I’m glad you had a good time. And just in case I forget to tell you later, I had a great time tonight, and your goodnight kiss is nothing short of spectacular.” His lips turn upward into that arrogant grin he does so well. It makes me want to smack him.

I lick my lips slowly and watch his eyes dart to my mouth. “I knew you enjoyed it, the moan you made when I sucked your tongue in my mouth was very hot.”

“Sam, you’re doing it again. Keep this up and I won’t be able to get up from the table to take you to the movie. “His voice is a low rumble.

“Okay, okay. I’ll be on the straight and narrow for the rest of the night. Tongue sucking optional with our goodnight kiss.”

Ben and I keep up the light and silly banter throughout the most scrumptious dinner. We talk more about my love for teaching, and he tells me about the restaurant he wants to open. He’s so passionate about it, and his face lights up. I really hope it all works out for him. He’s so easy to talk to, and the relaxation I feel is way out of the norm for me. After my dessert of chocolate cake, we fall into what I like to call a chocolate coma. The silence is pleasant and peaceful. However, when I look at Ben’s face I notice that with his calmness there’s also tension there. Is it sexual or something else? I can’t help but wonder what’s coming next.

I’m having a great time and I feel happy. It’s hard to think back to a time when I’ve felt this good. As much fun as I’m having, I feel that I need to talk to her about Beth. My time with Sam is so special, and I don’t want to ruin anything. Being with her is more than I ever thought possible. On some level it’s even more than I had with Beth.

But my mind still drifts to Beth and the pain over the accident. Guilt gnaws away at me, and it’s not just over that horrific day. It’s guilt in regards to my feelings for Sam. I think it’s time to set up some boundaries so neither of us goes too far over our heads.
Who am I kidding … I’m already drenched.

“Sam, this dinner’s been amazing, and I can’t remember the last time I’ve had such a good time. When I think back to my first date with Beth, we hardly spoke to each other. I needed several beers in me just to loosen up. But talking with you and being with you feels so natural. It’s surreal.
You’re
surreal.” I take a hold of her hand and kiss it gently. She sucks in a deep breath and lets it out. “I need to tell you something. It’s weighing heavily on me.” I can feel my hands shake. “You know it’s been two years since I’ve had sex. All this talk and kissing is exhilarating, and my body is reacting to you like a horny teenager.” I see her blush slightly, and it’s beautiful. “It’s exciting and scary for me. I just don’t know if I’m ready for that level of intimacy.”

Her eyes darken and her brows scrunch. “This is hard to admit, and the last thing I want to do is hurt your feelings. You have to know the truth. It’s only fair to both of us.” Gripping her hand tighter, I try my best to look her in the eyes. “Beth is still in my head. Even though I feel this wonderful pull toward you, her memory’s still there. Please don’t freak out and run from me. Although thoughts of her still linger, I can’t deny my thoughts of you.” I feel her thumbs brush over my knuckles, and she looks down at our joined hands. “My feelings are strong for you and for us, but until Beth’s not at the forefront of my mind, I think it’s best to hold off on sex.” I take a hand away and rub my forehead.
I suck at this
.

Sam reaches for her wine and takes a sip. “You don’t suck at this.”
Shit, did I say that out loud?

“I know what you’re trying to say, but I’m just not sure what to make of it.” She places the glass back down before continuing, “I get it, Ben. I really do get it. I’m not stupid. I know you still hurt. I can see it in your eyes sometimes. But, you know, there are times when I see happiness and light, too.” I watch her take a long deep breath. “On some strange level I get where you’re coming from in regards to sex.” She closes her eyes. “I have something for you to think about, and you don’t have to tell me how you feel about it right now.” She looks determined now, and it is so sweet.

“Given everything you’ve been through, I know Beth’s memories will always be a part of you and present in some way. I would never ask you to forget her; it’s part of what makes you, you. Ugh! I guess what I’m trying to say is, I know she’ll be there, but we are here,
I
am here.”

I reach out for her hand, and she gives it to me. “I hear what you’re saying and you’re right. I do know that I adore you, and you amaze me.” I smile at her, and she returns the gesture.

“But Ben, when we decide to have sex, I do want you only thinking of me. Wanting only me.” Her face casts downward, but her eyes never leave mine.

“How did I get so lucky to have you enter my life? You were just this voice and picture for years, and now you’re here, in person, making me remember what it feels like to be alive again. Thank you for being here with me. I may need a few reminders now and then, but you are here, with me in the present and hopefully my future.”

She blinks her eyes a few times as they tear up. “I need you to know that this is hard for me to talk about. It hurts, but I really do understand where you’re coming from. It’s not your fault, it just hurts.” More tears trickle down her face. “I know Beth was it for you, and you had the kind of love most people only dream about.” She closes her eyes as if trying to stop her tears. “I guess I’m wondering or maybe hoping I could be your new person. Someday.”

I squeeze her hand and hold firm. She continues to blow me away. I don’t know how she does it, but she lays it all out there, and it’s scary and maddening. She opens her mouth to speak, and it’s soft. “Now, please, don’t get spooked on me. I think it’s important to put how I feel out in the open. I know you love Beth, and I’m not trying to replace her. I just want to have a chance to be with you and discover things about us and what we can become.”

It’s my turn to let out a long sigh. She makes me feel ripped to shreds while simultaneously filling my heart. “Sam … I—”

“Please, let me finish. You feel like home to me. Let’s figure out if we can be more to each other. Let’s see if our hearts can find their way back home.”

This girl floors me in so many ways. She seems to be able to say everything I’m thinking. I didn’t think it was possible to find someone who you’re in sync with for a second time. Maybe this could work out. Gramps has to be right about Beth wanting me to be happy. If the roles were reversed, I would want her to find love again. My problem is learning to let go of the bad and embracing the good. That’s easier said than done.

I love watching her react to the movie. The gigantic smile on her face melts my heart, and when I see her mouth the lines, I know I’m a goner. She’s a definite romantic. She looks at me when Baby and Johnny crawl across the floor toward each other and looks so sexy mouthing the words to the song. Her eyebrows shoot up suggestively, and I can’t help but kiss her. Not a quick peck, but a full-on kiss. It’s not until we feel popcorn thrown at our heads do we break away. I lean in and whisper, “Yep, definitely feel like a teenage boy around you. Now I’m making out at the movies. What’s next? The back seat of my car?”

She turns to my ear and seductively whispers back to me, “That could be arranged. I do like your car, but Red would be jealous if we didn’t christen her first.” Moaning, I go back in for one more. She allows me to give her one more peck and then playfully pushes me off. “Hey, watch the movie. It’s almost the end. I love the big dance finale.”

The drive home is much better this time around. For one thing, I’m holding her hand and we are actually talking to each other. She really loves movies as much as she loves music. “You’re like a savant or something. Music and movies, you are something else. How do you know so much?” She looks out the car window, and I can tell she’s in deep thought.

“It’s like I told you before—movies were my thing with my mom. She liked to share all the classics with me. I grew up watching the 80’s movies and they’re pretty special to me. She shrugs her shoulders and laughs. “It’s silly, but that’s how I roll.”