Finding Home (32 page)

“Yes.”

He stroked her hair back from her forehead. It felt soothing and nice. “Can I lie with you?”

She nodded.

He pulled back the covers and climbed in next to her, taking her in his arms.

She nestled against his chest, breathing in the sweet scent of fabric softener on his T-shirt and his underlying male scent. In the months without him, she’d forgotten how strong and safe his arms felt around her.

“Want to talk?” His voice reverberated under her ear.
“I’ve talked to so many people today. I have nothing left to say.” “Okay.” He petted her hair for a while, then moved his hand down to rub slow circles on her back. The sweetness of his comfort was too much.

At long last, Megan began to cry. Tears ran down her face and soaked into his shirt. She sniffled and tried to control herself, but that only made her cry harder.

He kissed the top of her head. “It’s okay. It’s all right.”

Megan clung to him, her fist clenched in the material of his shirtsleeve. “I’m s-sorry. God, I hate crying.”

“Go ahead. Let it out.” He continued to rub her back.

She let go then and loud, ugly cries ripped through her. She shook against him and gasped for air as she sobbed.

Finally her tears subsided to ragged breaths and slowly her breath evened out. She grew aware of Sean’s body pressed full length against hers.

He was aroused by their closeness; evidence of it pushed into her hip. Sean pulled away from her, tilted her face up and wiped the tracks of tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. “Better?”

She nodded.

Their eyes met and held. The moment spun out like a filament of spider web, tenuous, fragile and shining. The sexual charge between them was as strong as it had ever been and here in the quiet bedroom, lying in each other’s arms, there seemed no point in denying it.

Sean lowered his head and kissed her.

It was as if no time had passed. His lips were firm yet pliant and soft, just as she remembered, and molded warmly to hers . They kissed slowly and gently. His hand cupped her face. His thumb moved on her cheek and his tongue pressed lightly into her mouth. It was so familiar, so comfortable and right.

Sean pulled away after several moments. “God, I’ve missed this,” he said huskily. “I’ve missed you.”

Her crotch contracted and Megan remembered what his voice alone could do to her. She rested her head on his chest and he held her loosely. She felt his body still yearning for hers, but he kept his hands safely above her waist, rubbing up and down her back. He’d drawn a line and unless she wanted him to cross it, he would go no further.

Her body yearned to encourage his hands to roam farther, to release him and be swallowed up in the sweetness of their joining. She had a hard time remembering why this wasn’t a good idea. But her brain reminded her it was this kind of instant gratification that had steered them last time. If they were going to have a new relationship, she didn’t want it to begin with a comfort fuck.

So Megan continued to lie still and quiet in his embrace and eventually she felt the hard urgency of his cock fade. They lay together, warm and easy, for a long time, until she thought Sean might have fallen asleep.

But he asked, “Do you want me to stay the night or go?”
“Can you hold me a little longer, please?” The idea of being alone was unbearable.

“Sure. Whatever you want.”

His words confirmed she’d made the right choice in not letting kissing escalate. She wanted to make absolutely sure sex was what Sean wanted and not something he did to ease her pain.

ZY

When Megan woke in the morning, it was late and the bed beside her was empty. She wandered down to the kitchen and found Chris’s Ben, sitting at the table sipping a cup of coffee.

“Good morning,” she said. “Where is everybody?”
“Your dad decided he needed a new shirt for the funeral. Chris went to the store with him. Sean is out running.”

Charlotte, Greg and Little Richard had gone to their own home last night.

Megan poured herself a cup of coffee and sat across from Ben. “You don’t shop or run?”

“I thought Chris and your dad needed some time alone together and no, I don’t run. Do I look athletic to you?” He grinned and flexed a slender bicep. Megan was struck by his charm. No wonder Chris fell for this one.

“What do you do?” she asked. “What’s your major?”
“Art history, of all things.” He rolled his eyes. “I know. I’m setting myself up to be jobless, or so my parents keep telling me.”

“Well, you can always work at a museum, right? Isn’t that what you art history types do?”

Ben smiled ruefully. “Yeah, that’s a possible avenue, or maybe an art gallery. I don’t really know what I want to do yet. Chris always teases me about it. I tell him not everybody’s cut out to be an engineer. Some of us need a little more fantasy in our lives.”

“He likes the fantasy, too, you know. When we were kids, he was always the creative one. He tries to keep it in check because he thinks that’s what he has to do to become a grownup. But at heart, he’s a dreamer. I guess you figured that out already.”

“Well, I think that’s why we get along so well. He keeps me grounded in reality and I let him express his romantic side.” Ben blushed slightly. “It’s sort of a tradeoff.”

“It seems to work,” Megan said. “You guys look really happy together.”

He grinned. “You know, a year ago, if anyone had told me I’d be going out with an engineering major whose previous experience had been dating lots of girls, I’d have told them they were crazy. Just goes to show you can never tell.”

Megan smiled. She was really starting to like this boy, with his quiet manner, his love of Chris and his thoughtfulness. But she wondered how they’d gotten together in the first place, what it had taken for Chris to realize he was more into boys than girls.

“How did…” she started, then stopped, aware she was trespassing the boundaries of their acquaintance. “Never mind.”

“How did we get together? It’s okay, it’s not a secret or anything. Actually, I asked Chris out.”

“You did? But…how did you know he…?” Megan stopped again, flustered.

“We met at a friend’s party then started hanging out. I could feel there was more to it than friendship so I figured, nothing ventured, nothing gained and asked him for a real ‘date’.”

“But you didn’t know how he’d react.” Megan was amazed he’d taken such a leap of faith.

“No. You have to take a gamble sometimes,” Ben replied, his tone confident. “I think Chris realized that, too. So he said yes. That’s how it started.”

A gamble. Just as she’d told Sean when she took him in. Megan blinked, surprised to find her eyes prickling again, but with tears that had nothing to do with her mother this time. She was impressed by the quiet strength emanating from Ben’s slight frame, at his calm, and absolute certainty he was doing the right thing with Chris. It had been very much in evidence over the past couple of days, as Chris obviously drew comfort from Ben’s unwavering presence. They really made a good couple.

“I’m glad you did.” She set her cup on the table and got up. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for the service. It was nice having a few moments to talk to you.”

Ben smiled and nodded. “And I enjoyed finally meeting Chris’s wild sister. By the way, your friend, Sean is a sweetheart. I wouldn’t let that one get away.”

As Megan walked from the kitchen, she wondered if Ben realized she’d interpret his comments about his and Chris’s relationship with Sean in mind, and decided he probably did.

ZY

The funeral was well attended by the many people who’d known and respected her mom. Megan made it through the eulogy, hymns and readings without crying, but when Mom’s favorite song and the photo presentation began, she broke down.

Sean’s arm slipped around her waist, and she leaned into his side and accepted his comfort and strength. Afterward, there was a buffet dinner and more condolences before the family could finally return to the house and collapse. By then, Megan was ready to go home. As soon as it was decently possible, she said her goodbyes, hugged everyone and promised her dad she’d come the following weekend.

With the first stars appearing in the sky, she and Sean drove off.

An hour later, Megan fell in a trance watching the river of red taillights in front of her leading the way to L.A. when suddenly Sean’s voice startled her awake.

“Will you go out with me?”
“What?” She glanced at him and saw only a shadowy profile behind the steering wheel. For a second, she wondered whether she’d imagined the words, if her fevered imagination had made up something she actually wanted to hear.

“When we’re back in the city, if I call some time, will you go out?” “I… Sean, I…don’t know what to say.” His abrupt offer surprised her and her mind was already on overload. She didn’t know if she could process one more thing, no matter how much she’d thought about what he was suggesting. “Right now, with my dad and everything, I don’t know if I’m ready to start a relationship again.”

“We already
have
a relationship. Why pretend we don’t?”

There was a pause as Megan tried to sort out her jumble of conflicting emotions and think of an appropriate response. He was right. They were already entangled in a web of emotional commitments, they had a shared past, and over the last few days it had become clear their past was neither dead nor buried.

“Look, I know this is really bad timing. I shouldn’t even be bringing it up right now. But I want you. I miss you and I don’t want to fuck around and waste any more time.” Sean tightened his grip on the steering wheel. He glanced at Megan then back at the road. “Before you say anything, let me tell you something, about me and my mom and why I left before.”

“Okay.” She nodded even though it was probably too dark for him to see.

“Your mom’s funeral today showed how much she affected everyone around her, how she made her life matter to other people.” He paused.

“There was no one there for my mom. I didn’t even know she died until later, so there was no one to see her buried. By the time I found out, it was already done, by the state. But she made it like that. The way she lived her life, you know?”

“I’m sorry,” Megan murmured.
“No. That’s not why I’m telling you. The point is, I was headed that way, too. I spent so many years looking after her, trying to keep her from drinking too much, making sure the rent got paid and we had some food in the house before she spent all the money on drugs. I cleaned up her puke, her blood when some guy whaled on her, carried her ass home unconscious when she partied too hard, all that shit. So when I was finally on my own, I didn’t want to take care of anyone else ever again. That’s why I didn’t hook up with any of the other kids. I did at first and right away people started wanting things from me.”

Megan could picture that. Sean was a natural leader, the type other kids would look to for guidance, and she could see how he would shy away from having them depend on him.

“I wanted to be alone. It was great only having myself to take care of. But, you know, it’s pretty cold not having anyone give a fuck whether you exist or not. Look at Elf. He couldn’t stand to live that way.”

Sean was silent for a moment, guiding the car through the night traffic. “No one can live like that, I guess. It just took me some time to figure it out. So, when I left you last winter, it was for all the reasons I told you. I needed to earn my own way and figure things out, but I also had to be alone for a while to learn that—I don’t want to be alone.”

Megan glanced at his profile, thinking this was the most she’d ever heard him say at one time.

“I mean, when you’ve got someone who actually cares about you, maybe loves you, you’d have to be a real asshole to throw it away,” he concluded.

He looked straight at her then, the oncoming car headlights reflecting off the whites of his eyes, making them shine. “I don’t want to be the person who only thinks about himself and goes through life not feeling anything or caring for anyone. When I told you last week I didn’t want to lose you, I meant it. You’re the only person who’s ever really given a shit about me.”

Megan’s pulse pounded in her throat. Her feelings tore her apart. Yes, she wanted Sean back in her life, but what if it turned sour, what if he decided he couldn’t take it and ran off again? She wouldn’t be able to cope with the pain a second time. And it was so hard to figure out what to do when she was still numbed by the shock of losing her mother.

She had no idea what to say.

Her pause must have been longer than she thought, because Sean added, “This is a really bad time to lay all this on you. I’m sorry.”

“No. I’m…” Megan breathed deeply, eons of time passed and she formulated and discarded a hundred different answers before she finally said in a rush, “What the hell. Yes, I’ll go out with you.” As Megan said the words, a giddy rush of excitement coursed through her veins.

There was really no other answer she could give. He was right. They already had a relationship. A six-month separation hadn’t changed that. He was so deeply rooted in her she didn’t think she could ever weed him out of her life even if she wanted to, which she didn’t.

“Yeah?” His teeth flashed in the darkness. “Cool.”
“We’ll start slow this time, though, okay?” she said. “Go out on a few actual dates and see how it feels.”

“Yes. Absolutely.”

“Dinner and a movie and a goodnight kiss at the front door.”

He nodded and teased, “Can I at least hold your hand during the movie?”

“Negotiable.”
“More talking, less touching. Got it.”

They were both kidding around, keeping it light, but Megan had to let him know she really was taking this seriously. “You know, I was pretty messed up last winter after you left. I can’t imagine going through that again. All I want to say is, if we start going out and things escalate and we end up doing more than having an occasional date, don’t take off on me again.”

“I won’t.” He reached for her hand, which rested on the seat between them, and wrapped it tightly in his. “I promise. If you want to get rid of me this time, you’ll have to file a restraining order to keep me away.”