Finding Home (28 page)

She caught her breath and laughed. It was tempting. Stupid, but tempting.

Then someone behind her wrapped drew her into a bear hug. Caught by surprise, Megan turned to look at the enthusiastic hugger.

“Terry! Oh, man, James said you were in town, but I was beginning to think he’d lied! How are you?” She glanced at James standing next to Terry. “You didn’t tell me he was coming, you bastard.”

“Surprise! I like to keep some guests secret. Makes the party interesting.”

Terry held her at arms’ length to look at her. “Well, he didn’t mention you either, but I was hoping. I hear you’ve been a busy girl.”

She laughed. “Sean here has been keeping me busy.” She waved a hand toward him. “Sean, Terry. Terry, Sean. Also, I’ve been working my ass off because I’m getting reporting assignments now and things are going really well at the paper. What about you?”

Terry looked slightly dazed. “Uh? What? Yeah. Fine. Busy. Very.” He seemed to have turned monosyllabic all of a sudden, and Megan wondered how much he’d had to drink. From what she remembered, Terry wasn’t great at holding his liquor. Evidently, some things didn’t change.

James clearly thought the same thing because he punched Terry’s arm and launched into an elaborate story involving the three of them at a college kegger that ended up with Terry making an ass of himself. Come to think of it, it ended up with the three of them making asses of themselves.

Sasha and Stevie joined them, and Sasha groaned, “Oh Jesus, not this one again! James, it’s not so much funny as it is long. And besides, I was there and it didn’t happen the way you tell it.”

“I’m going to get a drink,” Sean murmured to Megan. She nodded without taking her attention from James’s story. When he reached the punch line, which all of the friends knew by heart, she yelled out Terry’s line along with the others. “But, officer, I didn’t know it was occupied.”

“God, what an idiot,” James said as they all laughed at the familiar tale.

Megan felt Sean return to her side and when she glanced over, noted he’d moved from beer to a mixed drink of some kind. She reached for the plastic cup and he surrendered it so she could take a sip. She almost spit it out. It was whiskey, straight, no ice, no mixer.

“Jesus, somebody wants to get drunk tonight.” She handed it back to him with a grimace.

He shrugged and took a swig.

Megan frowned. It wasn’t like him to drink like that.
“Hey guys, remember the time…” Stevie began and Megan’s attention was drawn back to her friends.

One college story led to another and about twenty minutes passed in reminiscing when Megan felt Sean’s arm around her waist. He’d been so quiet and she so involved in the conversation that she’d almost forgotten he was there. His hand stroked her belly underneath her shirt and pulled lightly on her navel ring.

Megan pushed his hand down, embarrassed at the PDA in front of her friends.

Sean leaned in and with alcohol-drenched breath whispered hoarsely and much too loudly, “Let’s go home. I wanna fuck.”

Megan was mortified.

Sasha, who was even drunker than Sean, giggled and snorted, but Stevie and James frowned. Terry, who’d been uncharacteristically quiet all evening, excused himself to go to the bathroom.

Sean lifted his glass to take another swallow and Megan realized it was a fresh drink. She hadn’t even noticed him leave to get it.

“Don’t you think maybe you’ve had enough?” she whispered. She didn’t want to reprimand him in front of her friends, but also didn’t want to deal with him smashed off his ass.

Sean removed the cup from his lips to say, “No. Not if I have to listen to more of this shit.” He swayed slightly and Megan removed his arm from her waist and took his hand.

She faced her friends. “I think we’ll be leaving now.”
“Aw, Meg, no!” James glared at Sean and his tone was condescending as he said, “Hey buddy, why don’t you chill? I’ll find you someplace to crash until Megan’s ready to go.”

“
Buddy
?” Sean drawled. “You’re my ‘buddy’ now?”
“Look, man, you’ve had too much.” James reached out and touched Sean’s wrist, ready to take his drink away.

Sean flung out his arm, tossing off James’s hand and sloshing his drink on the floor.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” he hissed. In a second he was up in James’s face, his eyes burning like two hard sapphires. He’d dropped Megan’s hand and his was clenched into a fist at his side.

“Sean. Stop!” she cried.

His jaw tightened in a hard knot and for a second she thought he would actually hit James. The moment spun out in that elastic way where seconds seem like hours before he finally backed off a step. Nostrils flaring and jaw working, he turned to Megan.

“Fuck it. Stay with your fucking friends. Enjoy your fucking party.” She opened her mouth, but before she could get anything out, he turned and walked away.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured to her friends before she followed him. The effects of all the alcohol weren’t apparent as Sean strode straight and fast toward the door.

Megan shouldered her way past the other party guests, but didn’t catch up with him until she got outside. He was already a half block away when Megan hit the sidewalk in front of James’ building.

“Wait!” She hurried after him. “Sean, stop!”

For a moment she thought he’d ignore her, then he halted, back still turned to her.

“What the hell just happened in there?” she demanded when she reached him. She was astounded by the abrupt escalation of his temper. He was usually so cool and collected.

“Nothing. Guess I’m just not in the mood for a party.”

“If you were bored, if you wanted to go home sooner or wanted my attention, there are better ways you could have told me.”

He looked down at her, his jaw clenching again. “Look, I’m sorry if I embarrassed you in front of your friends. Why don’t you go back to the party and I’ll see you later.”

“No. You wanted to go home. We’ll go home. I don’t know what the hell you’re so upset about, but we’ll go home. We’ll discuss it and fix it.” Megan sighed extravagantly. She was sick of playing the “what’s wrong with Sean today?” game. She’d been trying to figure him out ever since Christmas.

“I’m not ready to go back to the apartment and I don’t want to talk. I’m going out for a while.”

“You know what? Fine! You go on and do whatever it is you think you need to do and I’ll see you whenever.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “You know, mostly my friends have been very welcoming to you and I don’t appreciate you acting like an ass to them.”

“You’re right, I was an ass,” he said woodenly. “Apologize for me. Tell them I don’t know any better.” He stared down at her, his eyes flat and unreadable. He looked like the boy she’d interviewed in a coffee shop almost six months earlier. He looked like a stranger.

ZY

Megan returned to the party and stayed another hour but, although she smiled and responded to people, she wasn’t really listening. She slipped away before midnight, took a cab home, let herself into the apartment and knew right away Sean wasn’t there. Her stomach dropped as she remembered those nerve-wracking days when he’d disappeared only to turn up again beaten and bruised. She prayed he was all right and would come home by morning so she could kick his ass for worrying her.

Megan changed into her nightshirt, washed off her makeup and lay down in bed. Staring up at the ceiling in the dark, she was sure she wouldn’t be able to sleep until he was home safe and this latest argument laid to rest, but after a few moments, she drifted off.

Sean climbed into bed with her later that night and her eyes opened long enough to register it was four fifteen. She should’ve been angry, but was so grateful to have his warm body lying next to her she simply turned and snuggled against his naked chest without saying a word. The smell of cigarette smoke and Sean enveloped her as he put his arm around her, stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head.

When Megan woke again, it was with the sun in her eyes and the pillow beside her empty. She blinked. For a second she thought she’d imagined Sean coming in last night, then she heard him moving around in the kitchen.

Sean’s back was to her when she entered the kitchen, and he stared at the toaster with intense concentration.

“Hey.” She felt ridiculously shy and awkward, as if she was the one who’d acted out at the party.

“Hey.” He put a piece of toast on the plate in front of him and began buttering. “Do you want me to make you some eggs?”

“No. Toast and coffee is fine.” Megan went to the cupboard, got out a pair of mugs and waited by the coffeemaker while it finished percolating.

“I’m sorry about all that shit last night,” he said. “I’m sorry I embarrassed you.”

“It’s okay. We all get stupid when we’re drunk sometimes.” She reached for the carafe and poured. “What happened? I know something upset you, but I have no idea what it was.”

Sean’s head was down, concentrating on the toast. “Nothing really. I…saw someone I knew. From before. It took me by surprise, I guess.”

Megan’s mind flashed through the events of the night and suddenly registered Terry’s face when she’d introduced him to Sean. He’d looked shocked. Not dazed and drunk, but appalled. It didn’t take much connecting of dots to figure out Terry was the person Sean knew from his past and to conclude he was a former client.

“Terry? Oh my God.” Megan’s stomach dropped. She’d seen Sean get into cars with customers, had seen johns solicited by hustlers repeatedly last summer. But to discover a friend, someone she’d gotten drunk with many times, whose bed she’d slept in after crazy-ass parties, who’d confided in her one evening, stoned, that he had a crush the size of Alaska on her best friend James, was one of them? That was unthinkable. It brought a stark sense of reality to the whole seedy business of the client/provider relationship. A reality she’d overlooked until now. It made her question the habits of every last male she knew. It made her feel sick.

“My God,” she repeated, rubbing her hands over her face.

Sean set down the butter knife, carried the plate of toast to the table and placed it in front of the chair where Megan usually sat. He pulled out her chair. “I think you should sit down.”

Megan’s stomach lurched again at his tone. She put down the coffee mugs and took her seat.

Sean stood with his hands braced against the back of the chair across from hers, staring down at the table. “I’ve been thinking for a while now…” He paused. “I can’t stay here any more.”

She thought her heart stopped for a moment before it began beating rapidly as if she were running a race.

“I was going to go last night. I packed my things and took off. But I had to come back first and thank you for everything.” He met her eyes with a level gaze and his voice was solemn. “Sometimes…I think maybe you saved my life.” An embarrassed smile at the melodramatic words flashed across his mouth like lightning.

“Why? Why would you leave?” Megan’s voice sounded breathy and weak.

His hands clenched the chair. “I don’t belong in your life. You have your friends and family and your job. I don’t fit here.” As she opened her mouth to protest, he continued, “I have nothing except what you’ve given me. I need to make my own life, to succeed at something on my own.”

“But you have! You took the GED and passed it.” Megan swallowed before she spoke again. “Do you really think you’re financially ready to be on your own? Can you afford rent? What about food and clothes and medicine if you get sick and…?”

She trailed off. The last thing she wanted was to sound like a shrewish bitch, but inside she was screaming, “How can you do this to me? Do I mean nothing to you?”

She lowered her voice when she spoke again. “”What I mean is, have you really thought this through?“

“Yes, I have.” Sean’s expression was calm and composed, making Megan feel even more frantic.

She stood abruptly, bumping the table and sloshing the coffee. “What about us? Was that just…after everything, was it just you paying me back for letting you stay here? Is that all it meant to you?”

“No.” He frowned. “You know that’s not true.”
“Then how can you leave?” She caught her breath to keep from.

Sean straightened, letting go of the chair. “I’m sorry.” He hesitated for a second then repeated, “I’m sorry,” and walked out the kitchen door.

Megan stood there a moment, shocked. How could she have been so oblivious last night to the fact his things were missing? The front door shutting would be the last thing she heard if she didn’t get her ass out there and plead with him. Megan followed Sean to the living room.

He had his jacket on and was slinging the strap of his duffel over one shoulder.

Megan felt vulnerable wearing only an oversized T-shirt and a pair of underwear. She folded her arms over her chest as she approached him. “Where will you go?”

“I have a couple of places in mind,” he hedged.

Which meant he’d be squatting somewhere. “Can I at least give you some extra money to get started?” She realized the moment the words were out of her mouth it was the wrong thing to say.

“Don’t! I don’t want to take anything more from you. Just let me go.” Sean frowned as he stared at her, his eyes an unearthly shade of blue in the sunlight flooding through the living room window. He shifted the duffel on his shoulder. “There’s something you need to understand. Doing the things I did on the street, I shut down and felt nothing. I spent a whole lot of the last few years feeling nothing, even before I was out on my own.” He continued to speak slowly and haltingly. “Being with you, I started to care. And I can’t deal with it right now, having all that…emotion for you. It’s too much.”

“You think it doesn’t scare me, too?” Megan’s chest ached and her pulse pounded. This was as close as Sean had come to admitting he loved her. “Falling in love is terrifying.”

“Love?”
“I think it is, don’t you?”

He frowned. “Maybe.”
“So then why would you leave?”

“You don’t understand.” His voice was bleak. “This isn’t just about dealing with us. Remember when I told you when I sucked cock, I felt nothing?”

Megan nodded. How could she forget? His casual admission had given her more of an insight into the kind of life he led on the streets than the bare facts of his selling sex ever could.