Finding Hope (12 page)

A
package wrapped in silver paper appeared outside my door before dinner. A big red ribbon was tied around it and a gift tag dangled from the bow:

For Hope

Have a happy birthday, even if it's without me.

Love, Devon

I stared at the box, a warm, gooey feeling melting my insides. I marvelled at how Devon was able to surprise me, to make me feel so special. I never knew what to expect from him. Had he brought it to RH himself? Or mailed it?

Stroking the satin bow, I pulled one end of the ribbon until it pooled on my bed, the red clashing against the pastel colours of the quilt. I ripped the paper off the box and pulled out a teddy bear, honey brown with shiny black eyes. A silver necklace glinted around his neck. My face broke into a smile as I held the pendant dangling from it in my hand and noticed the engraving:
LOVE, DEVON
.

I pressed the bear to my chest, taking a joyful inhalation of his synthetic fur, revelling in Devon's attentions.

Propping the bear up on my pillow, I went to the mirror and fiddled with the clasp of the necklace. The heart hung past my collarbones, slightly obscured by my blouse. I didn't care if other people could see it, as long as I could feel the cool weight of it against my skin.

 

I
kept looking behind me to see if the guy with the bleeding nose had followed us, but he hadn't. I yanked on Storm's leash and dragged her with me into an alley, sinking down against a brick wall. Storm licked my face, jumping up and down from all the excitement.

From across the street, some guy kept yelling “Hey, Calvin!”until I turned. He was older than me, or maybe he wasn't. Meth fucks up your face. He was skinny, knobby elbows and bony shoulders sticking out of his T-shirt. He ambled over, a breeze blowing his hair—one side shaved, the other long and stringy—across his face.

“Where you been, man?” he asked and held out his hand. “God, it's been fucking forever since you been back here.”

I looked at him funny. Never seen him before in my life, I was sure of it. But if he could hook me up, I'd be whoever the hell he wanted me to be.

We were on a street where I knew I'd be able to score. People milled around, pushing shopping carts, stumbling. A couple of kids with dirty faces stared at me from a second-storey window. Pavement everywhere, not one bit of green, except for some weeds growing between sidewalk cracks. The air smelled dank, like rotting garbage, but there weren't many cars around here. Only a few, going real slow. Maybe looking for a dealer or a hooker. There were a few girls, hanging around on corners and stoops. Nasty-looking.

“I'm looking to party. You know anyone?” I asked. Storm had found a newspaper and was quietly shredding it at my feet.

He looked at me like I was crazy. Which was kind of funny, since he was the one calling me Calvin.

“Who do you think you're talking to? Goddamned smartass! Course I can hook you up! Jesus fucking Christ, how long you been gone?” He gave me a wide smile. Brown, rotting teeth filled his mouth. He'd been on meth for a long time. “You got a place to stay?”

I shook my head.

“You do now,” he said and nodded with his head that I should follow him. He walked on his toes, like an invisible balloon was tugging at him. “The place hasn't changed much. Brandi is still here. Had a kid, but it got taken away. I never saw the other guy you were hanging with after you left.” He led me across the street to a house with a boarded-up front window. Graffiti covered the door, and the lock was broken.

Holes had been punched in the walls and there was more writing on them, like insane, scribbled thoughts. A few random pieces of furniture in each room, mattresses, old wooden chairs, a card table, a lamp with no shade. Some of the windows had sheets for curtains, or cardboard.

“Look who I found!” the guy crowed when we got to the kitchen. A girl, her mouth slack and eyes glazed over, didn't move. The kitchen faucet dripped. Opened boxes of food and used plates sat on a chipped white countertop. An indistinct rancid smell got worse when the guy opened the fridge.

“Remember Calvin?” he asked her. She didn't respond. Storm sniffed around the corners and lunged for a mouse that skittered across the floor and shot behind the fridge.

“I got money,” I told him. “How about twenty bucks' worth, and maybe a place to chill for a while?” My foot tapped impatiently. I had the cash, I just wanted the stuff. Warning bells were ringing, though. This wasn't Lumsville. No one here knew me. No one was looking out for me.

“Yeah, anything for you, man. You get clean or what? Twenty bucks didn't used to last you a couple hours before you left.” He laughed.

Shrugging, I pulled a bill out from my pocket, careful to hide what was left. Twenty dollars would last me a day, maybe more. Once I had some juice running through me, I could plan what to do next. My brain couldn't function without it anymore.

“You wanna do a line with me?” he asked.

I could taste it, my teeth already grinding in anticipation. I wanted the hit so bad now that it was so close.

I followed him upstairs.
LEO
was scrawled across the door in black marker. “Hey, Leo,” I said, checking that that was his name.

He turned and gave me a toothless smile.

“Glad to be back.”

T
he
handles on the plastic shopping bags twisted around my fingers, leaving deep grooves when I deposited them onto the floor under our table. We'd made it to a restaurant after spending the afternoon at the mall.

I hadn't told Mom about Devon. Not yet. The necklace he'd sent was tucked into my pocket, waiting to be revealed. I wanted her to be excited for me. He was my first official boyfriend. Smart and funny, he knew just what to say to make me feel better.

It would matter to Mom that I'd never met him. I'd have to explain that I felt like I
knew
him better than I knew anyone else.

I deserved to have someone like Devon in my life. For so long, everything had revolved around Eric. First, his hockey games, his future, and when he'd quit that, the drugs had taken over. We were always talking about his problems, his needs. I never knew how much it bothered me until I had some of my own. Until I was bursting to share my own news.

I took the pendant out of my pocket, letting it drape across my leg. The silver heart caught the light, glinting under the table. Smiling, I said, “Mom, I have to tell you something.” She wasn't listening.

“Mom?” I tried again.

Her forehead creased with worry. Our annual mother–daughter shopping trip was in honour of my birthday, but now that we were sitting down, without the chaos of a mall to absorb me, I could see how distracted she was. “There's something I need to tell you.” I clutched the necklace, fingering the chain.

“The police are looking for Eric,” she blurted. Her mouth drew into a tight line. Lipstick had bled up into the feathery wrinkles around her lips.

I let the necklace go and rubbed my forehead. Even here, at my birthday dinner, with news of my boyfriend burning a hole in my throat, Eric had taken over. “Why? What did he do?”

“Broke into the pharmacy. Two weeks ago.”

“What?” I shook my head in confusion. “Two weeks ago? Where'd he go?”

Tears filled her eyes when she looked at me. “I don't know,” she whispered.

We sat at the table, silent. The server refilled our water glasses and then quickly left. Ice cubes clinked, like grinding teeth, making space for themselves.

“Did you leave something in the stump, like I said?”

She nodded. “It was still there this morning.”

I took a deep, shaky breath. My brother was out there somewhere. If he was high, he wasn't eating or sleeping. If he wasn't high, he was doing anything he had to in order to get high.“I thought maybe he'd called you. Let you know where he was, or something.” Her voice trailed off and she used a napkin to wipe her eyes.

I thought about lying and saying he had, to make the pained look on her face disappear, but then what? My brother was missing and there was nothing I could do.

I looked away and fingered the prongs of my fork, letting each one press into the flesh of my finger.

I stuffed the pendant back into my pocket.
 

I
could concentrate now that the crank was running through me. I had so much to do. There were plans to make. Places I had to go. I needed to get things. I had to see Hope. Let her know I was okay. She'd tell Mom, not that Mom gave a shit. She and Dick probably didn't even notice I wasn't in Lumsville anymore.

I was being a shit. They'd notice. Mom would worry. But a voice in my head said,
Not true.
They'd let me go with that fucking pervert. Thank God I had meth. It helped me deal with everything. Meth helped me get through the dark nights—not Mom or Dick. Who gave a fuck if they were hurting? It would never be as much as I was.

But that didn't matter right now, I reminded myself and tried to stay focused. My mind raced. I had a lot to do. I'd gone through a dresser in Calvin's room and found an old notebook, the kind kids use at school, and a pencil. I stuffed everything into my pocket, moving the poems and cash to a zippered pocket on the inside of my jacket. Wasn't as thick as it used to be, that wad of cash.

But that didn't matter. Nothing mattered. I had what mattered; it was in me. Coursing through me like race cars on a speedway track.

Oh, I was feeling good. Better. Best.

Leo still called me Calvin, but I didn't care. It was better if Eric was gone, left behind on that long stretch of highway between Lumsville and the city. I liked talking to Leo. He listened to me. I told him all about my hockey, how good I was, how far I almost went. He asked what happened. I told him. Coach Williams.

The name stuck. It kept sticking, like a cog in a machine that wouldn't move. Or a scratched CD. I couldn't get past Coach Williams.

What happened to him? Leo wanted to know.

I told him. Moved to the city.

Moved to the city.

And then that got stuck in my head. Stabbing into my brain, like a shard of glass.

Coach Williams was in the city.