Finding Hope (14 page)

W
hen
I woke up, it was daytime. Light filtered through the dirty window in Calvin's room. I needed to shower. I couldn't go back to Hope's school looking like this. My skin crawled, ants streaming in a line from the top of my head to my toes, their little footsteps on every blood vessel. It wasn't blood in my veins, but ants. Digging a fingernail into my flesh, I tested the theory. Red blood surged up.

Okay, no ants. But still, the feeling. I groaned. A shower would wash the filth off. Leo told me about a place not too far away. Food, showers. Some kind of shelter. You had to talk to someone first, before they let you in. But it would be worth it, to feel human for a while.

I'd given Hope my scribbler. I wish I hadn't, but it was probably safer with her anyway. I'd almost burned it a while back. Somehow, it made sense to light it on fire and watch it go up in flames. I couldn't find a lighter, though. So I hadn't burned it.

Storm was sleeping in the corner. I'd found a box for her and lined it with some old clothes I found in Calvin's closet. She liked it, snuffled around in circles until she got comfortable. I'd leave her here in case they didn't let dogs into this place.

The school had looked like a fortress, all gloomy with gates like a prison. I couldn't imagine my little sister locked up in there. Did she like it? I wish I'd asked. I didn't remember what we had talked about, if she was happy to see me or not.

A pang of regret hit me in the gut. I missed her. At home we were on the same team; we had each other's backs. Not now though. She was stuck behind the gates and I was on the outside.

I'd go back tonight. Had I told her tonight, or last night? The days blurred together. Maybe she'd been waiting for me to show, a few bills rolled tightly in her fist, while I'd been here, sleeping. My head ached trying to figure it out. I'd stay sober until after I saw her, I promised myself.

See Hope. Take a hit. I balled my fists up in a silent pledge.

The sun seared my eyeballs when I stepped outside. After spending so long in the dark, I had to stand still for a minute to let my pupils adjust.

I didn't know how long I'd been in the city, but the air was cold. I zipped up the jacket, and the leather collar rubbed against my ears. It still smelled like leather, musky, but the stink of the house had found its way into the skin as well. Something sour, dead.

I missed having Storm with me, straining on the end of her leash as I walked to the shelter. I got nervous being by myself. Kept turning around to see if anyone was following me.

There was a line of people, all the same dingy colour as me, stretched around a brick building, waiting for the doors of the shelter to open. Some of them mumbled to themselves, other looked like they were going to fall down from exhaustion, their faces shrivelled.

I got in line.

Seeing the other people, knowing I was the same as them, begging for handouts, reduced to this, made bile rise in my throat. I was supposed to be playing on a farm team this year, one step away from making it to the NHL. How had I ended up here? I looked around me in confusion. Was it a joke, this life? A cruel prank meant to teach me a lesson?

A hammering started in my head. I squeezed my eyes shut and my hands flew to my scalp, pulling at my hair, the strands clumped and greasy. A physical ache like I was being twisted in two.

It was wrong, all of it. I wasn't supposed to end up like this.

I went to the ground, holding my head and rocking. The line moved and people shuffled past. There was a guy staring at me. He had on a track jacket, black with red piping.
AAA ALL-STARS
. I remembered that jacket. Fuck, that jacket. A stream of obscenities lit from my mouth.

Coach Williams. He was everywhere. Hounding me. Wanting to take more, leave me empty, sucking me dry.

“Leave me alone!” I shouted. My face pulsed with anger.

I looked up again, but it wasn't Coach. This guy was old, his skin leathery. It wasn't even Coach's jacket. What the fuck was wrong with my eyes? He backed away from me. Everyone did.

The line started moving. They'd opened the doors.

It took me a minute to remember why I was here. A shower. Food.

Pushing myself up from the pavement, I shuffled inside, leaving what was left of me on the sidewalk.

 

T
he
notebook was nothing but gibberish. I wouldn't even have believed it was his.
Calvin
was written on the cover, but it was Eric's printing inside. I read it and reread it, trying to make sense out of what it meant. There were lists of things to do, things to buy, but most of it was nonsense.

He'd written pages of random words repeated over and over.
Coach Williams
took up three pages. And
Burn
. And then more pages of
x
, the pencil lead pressed so hard the page curled.

There was a blank sheet at the back. I used it to write a poem for him. I didn't know if he'd read it. I didn't know if he'd even come back, or if I wanted him to.

I groaned. Of course, I wanted him to. I just didn't want him consuming me.

You

On the other side

Separated by bars

From me.

You think you're free

To come and go

Hell and back

Up and down.

Me, protected by the bars

From you.

I stuffed the scribbler under my mattress with twenty dollars of the birthday money Grandma had sent me. I cringed at what a sucker I was.

I'd held my cell in my hand twice, ready to call Mom. Almost dialling her number, and then tossing the phone onto my bed. If she knew he was in the city, that I'd seen him, she'd tell the cops. They'd take him away. He'd go to jail.

The weight of the secret was growing heavy. If he came back, I'd tell him Mom wanted to talk to him. That he should call her so she knew he was all right. I'd tell him she was worried about him. He might not care.

I pulled out the notebook and took out the twenty dollars.
Fuck you, Eric. Why should I help you?

And then I felt like an asshole. Guilt hammered at me. It was only twenty bucks. He could get food. Or I could get food for him.

I nodded to myself with a sigh of relief. My stomach stopped churning. I'd give him money, but only if we spent it together and I got to see where he was living.

Cassie came into the room and I stuffed the notebook under my pillow, feeling ridiculous, like I had something to hide. She eyed me suspiciously. “Is it true?”

“Is what true?” I asked. Cassie still harboured distrust for what I may or may not have said about her; she kept her distance from me. I'd gotten tired of pleading innocence with her, and had given up completely on ever being friends with the Ravens. Which was just as well, since they acted like I no longer existed.

“Some of the girls saw you talking to a guy yesterday at the gates.”

I froze. My jaw clenched.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“It's not what they think,” I mumbled.

She looked at me, one eyebrow raised skeptically. Her face softened. “You can tell me, you know. I can keep a secret.”

I shook my head. “Seriously, that wasn't my boyfriend.”

Her mouth twisted into a scowl. “Who else would show up for you at eight o'clock on a Friday night?”

“Fine,” I said with an exasperated sigh. “Yes, that was my boyfriend.” If Eric showed up again, it would be easier to pass him off as my boyfriend than as who he really was. The only ones who might guess the truth were the Ravens.

“Did he send you that?” She pointed to the teddy bear on my bed.

I nodded. We settled into a comfortable silence and I took a deep breath. “Cassie, I really didn't say anything to Lizzie about you.”

Our eyes met. It was exhausting being mad at someone, especially a roommate.

“This is what they do, you know. Turn people against each other. It's, like, their hobby.” She flopped down onto her bed, feet planted on the floor, hair fanned out behind her. She picked up a tendril of hair and let it curl around her finger, staring at it absent-mindedly.

“It's sad, though, about Lizzie's mom. Did you know she died?”

Cassie raised her head. “She's not dead. She moved to New York for work.”

It was my turn to give Cassie a confused look. “She said her mom committed suicide, that her biggest fear was turning out like her.”

With a snort of disbelief, Cassie's eyes widened and she sat up. “When did she tell you that?”

I felt a thump in my head. Like a weight crashing down. “She also told me you'd spread lies about her having sex with your brother's friends,” I said.

“She told you
what
?”

“She said that your brother wanted to date her until you poisoned him against her.”

Cassie's mouth hung open in shock. “Parker didn't want to date her because she's sloppy seconds. His friend Alex hooked up with her last Christmas. I didn't have to say
anything
. He'd never go for a girl like her.”

My face flushed red. I winced at my own gullibility.

“She just told you those things to make you feel bad for her.”

“But Emily and Vivian—”

Cassie snorted. “They go along with whatever Lizzie says.”

Just like Eric, the Ravens had played me. With a shudder, I remembered how close I'd come to cutting Cassie's hair.

I'd told the Ravens the truth about my brother. What if they figured out a way to use it against me? A knot of worry tightened in my stomach. What would Ms. Harrison do if she found out a meth addict was hanging around the gates?

Kick me out? Call Mom?

He was going to ruin things for me, and for himself, if he kept coming around. Had he thought I'd be able to protect him in the city? Hide food, clothes, and money for him in a stump? Rescue him from himself?

I was trying to save a drowning person. Eric, flailing and kicking, would pull me under too. I had to let go or neither of us would survive.

Tuesday, October 7, 9:50 p.m.

From:
Devon

Who's the guy you've been seeing behind my back? Don't lie. Word travels fast between RH and Melton.

Just tell me the truth.

Wednesday, October 8, 3:58 p.m.

From:
Hope

There is no guy, I swear. It was my brother. He surprised me and showed up at the gates of the school. I didn't tell the girls he was my brother. It's just really confusing to explain. I promise, you are the ONLY guy in my life.

 

Wednesday, October 8, 6:35 p.m.

From:
Devon

Your brother? I'm not an idiot. I thought we had something special. You're just like the other RH girls.

Wednesday, October 8, 6:38 p.m.

From:
Hope

He's in trouble.

I only told people he was my BF so they'd stop asking questions. What can I do to make you believe me?

Wednesday, October 8, 6:40 p.m.

From:
Devon

You need to do something to prove we are real. That you love me. Will you do it? No matter what it is?

Wednesday, October 8, 6:49 p.m.

From:
Hope

You know I'd do anything for you.

Wednesday, October 8, 9:08 p.m.

From:
Devon

Send me a sexy pic.

Wednesday, October 8. 10:02 p.m.

From:
Hope

Sexy?

Wednesday, October 8, 10:11 p.m.

From:
Devon

It's not a big deal. We love each other, right? It'll be our secret.