Finding Me (38 page)

44

K
enmore drove toward the store, telling himself he just wanted to check and make sure everything was running smoothly. He knew better, though. He was going to check on Kelli. Her breakdown today, followed by her hasty exit, had him more than a little worried about her.

He’d been concerned ever since Shane had come home all mopey after Thursday Night Lights. He hadn’t said anything about what had happened, but Kenmore had a pretty good idea what was going on. Kelli was trying to build some walls. He couldn’t blame her for it. He had tried to talk to her about it earlier in the week, to no avail.

“Shane hates me now,” she’d told him.

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s hurt, just like you’ve been hurt by people who weren’t honest with you. I’m not sure what story you concocted to put some distance between the two of you, but I’m sure you can find a way to smooth it out—if you want to.”

Kelli looked at him. “You know I had no choice—”

“You really think so? Because I can think of a couple of other choices you had.”

“Well, I can’t,” she’d said as she’d walked away. And that had been the end of their discussion. Now, as he pulled into the parking lot of the store, he didn’t see Kelli’s car anywhere. It had only been a couple of hours since she’d left to come out here, so he was surprised she’d gone already. She usually worked late. Maybe she’d just been too upset to stay, though, and he couldn’t blame her for that. He walked in and found Keith at the cash register, looking disheveled and more than a little stressed. “Busy afternoon, I take it?”

“Crazy busy.” He shook his head. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people here all at the same time, and they just kept coming.”

“I’m surprised Kelli didn’t stay to help you out, then.”

“I’m sure she would have if she’d been here. She was at the funeral, too. Remember?”

“I remember, I was there. It’s just that she left early to come out here and help you.”

Keith shook his head. “She must have changed her mind, because I haven’t seen her all day.”

“Really?” Kenmore looked around the store, his mind racing with different scenarios of what might have happened and where his first obligation might lie right now. As much as he wanted to go check on Kelli, he knew he needed to stay at the store until Keith got things buttoned up. The poor kid looked like he was ready to have a breakdown.

An hour later, Kenmore drove from the store toward the duplex. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, he knew what he’d find when he got there, so it wasn’t a surprise when he pulled into the empty driveway of a dark house.

Alison sat in Beth’s kitchen, watching her daughter pick at the warm banana bread she’d just brought over. Rand was at least
making an attempt to eat his, but the usual gusto was missing. The poor kids. She wished she could do something to ease their pain, but it wasn’t possible. She knew this from her own experience. Some burdens could not be borne by other people.

“Why don’t you two go for a drive? Or go to a matinee or something? Get out of here and get your mind off things.”

Beth shook her head. “I was going to spend the day cleaning out the nursery—the guest room. The sooner I get all those things boxed and put away, the sooner I can quit avoiding that closed door.”

Alison reached out and took her daughter’s hand. “I’ll help you while I can. My first lesson isn’t for a couple of hours, and you’re still weak physically, so you shouldn’t be doing too much.”

“Let’s get started, then. I’m ready to get this over with.”

“I’ll disassemble the baby bed and put it and the changing table up in attic storage.” Rand stood up and pushed away from the table. “Then I’ll carry up whatever boxes you ladies get ready for me.” He came behind Beth’s chair and kissed her on the top of the head. “I look forward to the day we take this all down again. And there
will
be a next time. I believe it with all my heart.”

Beth nodded and reached behind her to give him a small hug. “You’re going to make a wonderful father someday.” Something about the flatness in her tone said she didn’t quite believe this.

They all headed to the spare bedroom, hearts heavy. “I’ll start with the clothes in the closet,” Beth said.

Alison went to the bookcase filled with board books, stuffed animals, and knickknacks. She pulled out a piece of newspaper and wrapped a ceramic rocking horse.

“I’m a little worried about Kelli.” Beth carefully folded a matching blanket and onesie ensemble together. “She really got upset yesterday, and I haven’t heard a peep out of her since then. When Rand and I came home last night, she was out—working late, I
imagine, but I’m really surprised she hasn’t called to check on things this morning.”

“Her car was gone when I went for my run, so she was up and out early. She must be putting in some extra hours,” Rand said as he removed the side rails from the crib.

“Strange that she wouldn’t check in.”

Alison shifted from her sitting position onto her knees in order to get the items from the top of the bookshelf. She couldn’t believe what she saw right at eye level. “Where did you get this?” She held up the carved wooden horse.

“Kelli gave it to me. Don’t pack that away, okay, Mom? I want to keep it near me because it’s so special. Maybe I’ll move it into my room.”

“How have I not seen this before?” Alison turned the figurine over in her hands.

“She just gave it to me a couple weeks ago.”

“Where did she get it, do you know?”

“Her father made it for her when she was young, isn’t it beautiful? She insisted I take it. Maybe I should offer to give it back now, huh?”

“Her father? Made this, you say?” Alison turned it over and over in her hands, which were trembling just the slightest amount. “What was his name again?”

Beth shrugged. “Mr. Huddleston. I don’t know his first name. Why do you ask?”

“No reason.” She flipped it over to look at the bottom.
DH ’94
was carved into the base. Alison simply stared at it.

Her imagination was running wild, that’s all this was. Lots of people carved horses out of wood, and lots of those people put their initials and date into the base. Lots of people.

She set the horse aside and got on with her work. Time to quit thinking nonsense.

About half an hour later, the doorbell rang. Beth looked over her shoulder. “That’s most likely Kelli.”

“I’ll go let her in.” Alison hurried down the hall, thinking through what she knew about Kelli. Thinking of some of the subtle similarities she’d been seeing for the last few months, yet not seeing. She shook her head just before she opened the door, to clear all of those silly thoughts obviously caused by the fresh grief stirring up memories of the old one.

She opened the door to find Kenmore, his face pale and heavy with grief. He didn’t move to enter but glanced toward the inside. “Is Beth . . .”

“We’re all in the nursery, putting everything away.”

He nodded. “Good. Listen, there’s something that’s happened, something that is going to make this harder on her. I’m not sure how, or if, or when to tell her. But it’s about Kelli. I went by her place last night, and then called her, and you see—”

“She’s gone.” Alison said it as a statement she knew to be true. Just as she knew that there was much more to this story than she’d ever imagined. “I’m guessing she won’t be coming back.”

Kenmore shook his head. “I don’t think so, no.”

Alison pinned him with the stare she usually reserved for her students. “Kenmore, what’s going on, and how long have you known?”

45

K
elli was just pulling out of Memphis on her trip west when her phone rang for the umpteenth time. She looked and saw Beth’s name on the caller ID. As much as she didn’t want to face this, she knew that, for Beth’s sake, the sooner the better. “Hello, Beth. How are you doing?”

“The question is,
what
are
you
doing? Kenmore was just here, and he said you’ve left town. Is that true?” Her voice carried a high-pitched hysterical quality.

Kenmore told her? Kelli hadn’t answered his calls yet. “What else did he tell you?”

“He said you had an emergency, that you were on your way to California, and that you wouldn’t be back.”

“That about sums it up.” Good old Kenmore. She should have known she could count on him to smooth things out as best as possible.

“Then why didn’t you tell me about it? Maybe I could have helped you, too, you know. Did you ever think about that?”

“Beth, you’ve got enough troubles right now without me adding one more thing to the list.” Beth had no idea how true that was.

“Weren’t you even going to tell me good-bye?” Her voice was thick from crying. “How could you do this? To any of us?”

“I’m sorry. You’re right, I should have come over to say good-bye, but things came up so suddenly and I had to hurry, and like I said, I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Bother me?” There was no mistaking the hurt in her voice. “The person who has been my best friend for the past three months, the one who stood by me while I found out that my precious daughter had died, the one who cried with me at my daughter’s grave. How could that same person be so cruel as to just leave town without a single word to me?”

The four-lane highway was packed with summer weekend travelers—minivans loaded with families going on vacations, convertibles with young couples heading toward a romantic weekend, and Kelli. “I’m sorry.” It was all she could say. There were no excuses she could offer that would mean anything, and she knew it. “I’m going to miss you—you’ll never know how much. I hate that I have to leave you right now. I know it’s a really hard time, but believe me, there isn’t any other choice.”

“I’m sorry. I’m being selfish, aren’t I? Please tell me what’s going on with you and how I can help. I’ll do anything for you, you know that.”

“It’s something I can’t talk about, not to anyone. I hate to be that way, but that’s truly how it has to be.”

“If that’s what you say, then that’s what I’m going to try to believe.” Beth sighed. “You must have a really good reason to do this, even if you won’t tell me what it is.”

“I do. Thanks for trying to understand.” Kelli took one last deep breath. “Good-bye, Beth.”
I love you.

“Good-bye, Kelli. Keep in touch.”

“Of course I will.” Even as the words came out of her mouth, Kelli knew they were a lie.

I am a terrible person. Just like my father was a terrible
person. We both go around hurting the people who love
us. We deserve whatever punishment we get.

I just keep pondering Miss Birdyshaw’s words right before I left. She
kept saying that she’s not good enough—not in
God’s eyes anyway—but I think she is plenty
good. Dad used to tell me there wasn’t any
need to go to church or do much in the way of learning about God if I was just a good enough person. He always implied that he was one
of those people who was good enough not to need more—I think we all know better than that now.