Finding Me (32 page)

“Ace…” My name is a whisper on his lips.

My heart thrums as I lean a little closer.

A loud knock on the front door stops us both. We remain seated, still facing each other too closely. We’re both reluctant to have this moment end though I think we’re both surprised we’ve arrived here.

Another quick succession of knocks hits the door followed by nearly inaudible words that cause a coldness to seep through me followed quickly by regret. It’s Erin. I sit back and move my attention to the TV that’s still off.

“Don’t do this. Don’t pull away.”

I want to ask him how that would even be possible when she’s here, but Landon’s emerging from the hallway, his hair tousled and his jeans undone.

“Want me to get it?” I know what Landon’s offering: to tell her to leave, or that Max isn’t home.

My eyes cut to Landon with accusation, and his eyes close. He takes two long steps to the door and stops. His shoulders drop and he turns to look back at us.

“Hang on.” Max turns to face me and we stare at each other. Loss, pain, lust, hope, and fear all resonate in his eyes and I hate myself a little for being happy to see that I put them there. The door rattles as something much harder hits it, and Zeus stands from where he’s resting, watching everything play out from the safety of the area rug, and trudges over to the door with a few deep barks.

I stand up and clap my hands together a couple of times to catch Zeus’s attention and head down the hall to Jameson and Kendall’s room. Their door is open. I know without asking that it’s an invitation so I step inside and close it behind Zeus.

“What do you want to do before we meet everyone at the nail salon? We could go to the cemetery.”

My head shakes instantly in reply. “Can we go get some ice cream?”

“Ice cream?”

“Yeah, at Maggie Lou’s.”

Kendall nods, but I can see her reluctance. A tense and unspoken discomfort settles around us making the air feel confining. All morning we’ve avoided talking about yesterday. I saw the surprise on Kendall’s face when we went to the kitchen for breakfast and found Erin sitting along at the table. She faced us with a vengeful expression. It had instantly prompted me to wish that she had more of a reason to give me that look. Instead, we dutifully ignored her and the discomfort surrounding us as we ate our cereal.

I pull open the door to Maggie Lou’s and take a deep breath of the waffle cone aroma. It’s soothing to see that nothing has changed. Time, death, nor I, have affected Maggie Lou’s. Everything is the same.

“It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”

–Confucius

I
take notice once again of how blue the sky is before I head inside with Zeus on my heels. I’ve spent the morning in the backyard trying to make sense of too many things, only to come up with the conclusion that I need to stop avoiding Kendall and spend as much time as I can with her when my time here is quickly coming to an end. My sisters once again brought up visiting the cemetery last night at dinner after our nails had all been painted the same shade of pale pink. The topic made me withdraw. The invitations that quickly turned into obligations made me shut down. I forcibly sat through another awkward family dinner with my sisters and was beyond grateful for it being a weeknight so they all retired early.

I slept in Kendall and Jameson’s room again last night. Even though they say they don’t mind, I hate that I’m imposing on them. I hated the idea of seeing Max again more, so I ate the guilt and laid on the very edge of the mattress where I slept in broken stints.

The kitchen tile is cold beneath my bare feet as I fill a glass with water to buy a few extra seconds alone.

“Hey.” Kendall’s blue eyes are wide with determination, making my muscles slowly retract, dreading whatever she’s already plotting.

Reality sets in as Kyle rounds the corner, approaching me from behind Kendall.

“I was thinking we could go to the cemetery today,” she says.

My head shakes instantly in protest.

“Ace, you need to go see him.”

“I can’t see him, Kendall. He’s dead.” I see the pain that my words inflict upon their faces, but I can’t soften this. I need to make them stop.

“We’ll go with you,” Kyle says, taking more steps to eat the gap between us.

“What for? I don’t need you guys.”

“Ace!” Kyle’s single word comes with a tone of warning, but it does nothing but make my eyes narrow into a glare. I don’t know what I’m daring him to do, or why I am, but I feel ready for some sort of battle, because I can’t do this. “Why are you being this way?” His eyes search my face like he truly doesn’t recognize me.

“Don’t judge me. You don’t even know who I am! I’ve grown up! I’m not six years old anymore!”

“Like hell I don’t know you!”

Kendall reaches forward and grips Kyle’s forearm and takes another step so she’s in front of him. “Ace, you need to start facing things.” Her voice is smooth and firm, but her eyes are filled with fear as tears dance within them. “I’ve allowed you to talk me into thinking I’m doing the right thing by not saying or doing anything too many times. I’ve always justified it by thinking I was protecting and helping you—but I wasn’t.” She shakes her head slowly as tears begin running down her cheeks. “We’ve all done it, but I was the worst. I never knew how many secrets you kept so carefully hidden. You buried every trace of them with your smiles that I always knew…” she swallows and shakes her head “…I knew it was to cover things you didn’t want to talk about. I just never knew you would hide so much. And now when I start thinking about it, I can think of so many times that I saw you placate us all with that smile, pretending that nothing was wrong when there was. We weren’t helping. We weren’t protecting you. We were doing the exact opposite. You need to face this, Ace, and acknowledge the pain that you’re working so hard to avoid that you moved across the damn country.”

Her words hit me like an open-palmed slap to the face, severe and harsh as they leave me and my eyes stinging. “I’m not hiding.”

“Ace, you’re mad. It’s okay to be mad, but you need to understand why in order for it to stop consuming you.” Kyle’s voice drops to a soothing tone that does anything but.

“The only thing I’m mad about is everyone telling me what to do!” I say, taking a few measured steps toward the back door. “I’m twenty-one years old. I’m a freaking adult. Why can’t you guys get that?”

“Someone needs to tell you what to do!” Kyle yells, his eyes accusing me of so many things I already know are my fault.

“Kyle,” Kendall quietly warns.

“Why are you even here?” I demand, looking to Kyle. “He wasn’t your dad.”

“I’m a part of this family!” Kyle roars. “Me,” he yells, pointing a finger to his chest. “He was my dad.” I clench my teeth harder to avoid the pain I feel when I see his eyes cloud with tears. “I didn’t know what family was until I met you guys. And you,” he says, looking directly at me, “you were the one that was so insistent on including me with everything!
I’m
a part of this family! I lost my father too, and now I feel like I’m losing my goddamned little sister, and I fucking hate it!” His voice is loud and pleading, his hands both clenched in fists. “You’re my sister, Ace. You’re one of my best friends. You introduced me to this life, to your family, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not giving up on you, and I’m not letting you push me away anymore.”

My teeth clench several times as my eyes wander around the kitchen before they finally return to Kyle. “I’m so mad at him,” I whisper as a stream of tears fall down my cheeks in a hot flow that doesn’t seem to have an end. “I’m so mad at him for dying.”

“I know.” Kyle’s words are nearly silent. His chin quivers as tears glide over his tanned cheeks. “I know,” he says again, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me against his chest.

My emotional dam breaks for the second time this week, and with it comes my confession. “I lost everything that day.”

“You didn’t, Ace. You didn’t lose everything. We’re still here for you, and we love you. We love you so, so much,” Kendall says. Her hand runs through my hair and I feel her body wrap around my back as Kyle holds me closer.

“He left and my world left with him. I lost Max, and Mom, and my freaking sanity.”

“You didn’t lose me, baby.” The quiet voice makes the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck stand on end.

I turn to face her and my lungs constrict even more at the familiar sight of my mom before I drown in the familiar scent of perfume, hair spray, and makeup as she holds me with what feels like every ounce of her strength. I begin to cry even harder. I’d just proclaimed my independence as a grown adult, yet I’m sobbing into my mother’s neck, letting her cradle me like a child, because I really need her comfort and her protection. I’ve needed it for a while now.

She holds me without loosening her grip for a very long time, kissing the side of my face and stroking my back and my hair as she repeatedly tells me how sorry she is and how much she loves me.

Somehow, having my mom here with me makes seeing my dad a little easier, but only by very thin threads. Pulling into the parking lot of the cemetery, my entire chest aches with the desire to cry and the need to remain strong.

My mom’s aware of my fear of death—it’s nothing new—however, I can tell by looking at just the tightness of her hands that this is just as hard for her to be here, so I resolve to be strong for her.

I’ve only been here once since we buried him and that was to see him before I left for Delaware ten months ago, yet my feet know the most direct path to him. I would know the route even if I had waited twenty years to return.

I stop when we get within several feet, and his large headstone blurs as I stare at it amongst the sea of other plaques and headstones surrounding us.

My mom grips my hand, and it’s almost painful because my fingers are already clenched, refusing to relax and intertwine around hers. But she somehow manages to force hers between mine, and then leads me so that we stand in front of his grave.

Except for the sounds of some birds chirping, and the soft rustle of the wind, it’s silent. Kitty and I have begrudgingly discussed this moment several times. The purpose of visiting a loved one once they’ve passed, the therapy behind speaking to and acknowledging them. She’s encouraged me to remember the happy moments and allow them to fill me so the grief and sadness can dissipate. She told me that when I got here, I should just talk to him. Talk like he’s actually here, listening to me, because for all we know, he really is.

I take a few practiced breaths and slowly lick my lips that have gone dry from breathing too hard. “Hi, Dad,” I say softly. “I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long.” My eyes blur to the point I can’t see anything through the kaleidoscope of tears that fall the second I hear my mom suck in a deep breath and release it with a pained cry.

I realize that regardless of the times that I’ve thought, and rehearsed this moment, nothing could have prepared me for actually being here. Nothing can prepare you for so many things life throws at you. Sometimes you have to stop planning for every possible outcome and reaction, and just experience it. Be present.

We cry painful tears that leave us both weak and exhausted before we head back to her house.

“I don’t want to go in there, Mom. I’m sorry. I just can’t see Steven. I just can’t.”

“He moved out.”

I turn to look at her in shock and she nods solemnly. “I needed Steven when your father passed away. Not in a romantic sense,” she says, shaking her head as though she’s trying to eradicate the past. “I’ve been with your father since I was eighteen. I thought if I was alone, grieving, I’d never make it. I didn’t know how to live without him.” The edges of her lips turn down and her chin quivers as tears roll down her cheeks. “I still don’t know how to live without him. Your daddy was my whole world for so long.”

I reach across the middle console and attempt to hold her as she cries again, offering her some support through my touch.

“I’m so sorry I pushed you away, Ace. I need you. I need all you girls.”

We don’t discuss Steven in much detail over the evening, but my cheeks redden and my heart sighs when she divulges that she never slept with him. She tells me that she’s pretty certain Steven knew all along that she wasn’t going to be able to go through with things, but offered to continue helping and supporting her any way he could. Which it turns out consisted of living in the guest room and helping to establish a new schedule and routine, combing over finances, and learning about who took care of the yard, the pool, and other things that my dad had always handled.