Finding Me (41 page)

When Ace came back that day in July, holding her Converse out to me, my muscles were so tightly wound as I waited for some kind of indication as to why she was standing there. As soon as I saw the envelope clutched in her hand, I said a silent prayer to David to help me, because if she was coming for any other reason, I wasn’t going to let her go. I’d have tied her to a chair until she was done processing. I knew Kendall wouldn’t have been opposed.

When she made it clear she was back and that she still loved me, I’d never felt happiness like that, it was like a giant glacier that had built around me melted.

I insisted Ace move in, reasoning with her that there was no point in wasting the money on a second place—I wasn’t going to stay without her. I wouldn’t. Money wasn’t a concern to her and she debated that I might need my space from her periodically. I assured her endlessly that I’d never get my fill of her and refused to even discuss the option again.

I came home to find my bed—now our bed—covered in an overstuffed chocolate comforter with white and green designs that she used the word embroidered to describe when she showed it to me.

For the longest time, I felt like she was living out of the most minimal space possible which had me keyed up. I was always terrified she’d change her mind, pack up and go, and Kyle’s words compounded that fear.

One day when she was bringing her shampoo and conditioner out of the bathroom to store in a tote like she lived in a dorm or something, I panicked.

I managed to raise my voice and sound pissed off for about ten words before I told her my fears in a much quieter voice. Neither of us had realized that I was so on edge.

After that, Ace stopped packing up her things. I even have a box of tampons in the cabinet under the bathroom sink, next to fingernail polish and makeup.

It took Ace nine weeks to go uncover what Clementine held, and she discovered a box in the trunk that I was shocked to find because of all the many times I’d worked on her with David, I had never seen it before. The box contained large manila envelopes for each of his daughters, and an accompanying one for each of the respective husbands or boyfriends in Jameson’s and my case.

I went outside to read mine that same night, and as I opened it, the wind shifted and I swear he was there with me in some way or fashion as I read it.

It took Ace an additional five weeks to read hers. I had woken up and reached my arm out and felt the cool, empty sheets meet my palm and looked over and saw her sitting on the floor, wearing an outfit that looked like she was ready to go out running, but her hair was still down, and her cheeks weren’t flushed, indicating she hadn’t made it out yet.

Zeus was curled around her, his big box of a head lying on her lap. It took me a moment to realize large teardrops were rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t work to wipe them away as she clutched a paper in her hands, and I instantly knew what it was.

I remained still as a shadow, not wanting to interrupt her moment, but kept my eyes fixed on her as she read the letter and then put it down. She released a long breath and then smiled and picked it up and read it again.

She must have read the letter six times at least before she carefully folded it back up and returned it to its envelope and looked up to see me watching her.

She gave me a half smile and pet Zeus’s head before lifting it from her lap and padding over to me in her sock covered feet. Setting her letter down on the nightstand she climbed up into bed and straddled my waist, wiping one last tear from her cheek.

“I miss him. I miss him a lot still,” she said quietly.

“I know baby, I know you do. I miss him too.”

She nodded and folded in half, lying against my chest as I reached up and lightly traced circles on her back, a gesture that when returned made me squirm, but she found comforting. I felt her melt a little further into me.

Her hand traced over the tattoo on the inside of my bicep, my orange Chevelle with “Clementine” curving around the bottom that Landon and Jameson had gotten with me shortly after David had passed.

Weeks later, I’m still curious as to what Ace’s letter had said, David in his infinite wisdom has somehow managed to bring her back home and heal wounds that seemed so jagged and gruesome nearly overnight once she finally read her first letter. I haven’t asked though and won’t, I know from reading the rules and my own letter that these had been pieces of his heart. If she isn’t ready to share with me yet, it’s okay. I have her back, and there’s no way I’ll ever let her go again.

“I love the person I’ve become, because I fought to become her.”

-Kaci Diane

I’m probably going to get sappy because although this ride is far from over, having this chapter come to an end truly makes me feel nostalgic.

There is someone that has walked this long journey with me, and that is Lisa Greenwood. I met her online as a beta reader and rambled my way into her life where she will forever remain a main character. She is my friend, my sister, my honesty, my strength, and my biggest encourager. She holds my hand when I’m scared, and shoves me when I’m being wimpy. She comforts me when I’m sad, and smacks me when I’m being whiney. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Terri Peterson, what can I say to my Terri. Your love for Max and Ace STUNNED me. I consider you my first fan because you didn’t know me at all when you told me you loved them. You simply loved them, and that was what introduced us to our friendship. You’re one of the most loving and caring people I know, and also the most loyal. Your friendship is one that I cherish, and I am so grateful for all of your time, love, creativity, but most of all: your friendship. You are such a beautiful story.

Katie Ross!!!! Girl you know I love you. I really, truly do. Your love for books and the indie community is inspiring! You were one of the first people to take a chance on me, and you introduced me to so many people and ideas. Your ingenuity keeps me on my toes, but it’s your heart and humor that made me fall so hard for you.

Katherine Mazur, you are such a breath of fresh air. I have loved getting to know you, and look forward to many more shared experiences! Thank you for all of your support and your friendship.

Jenna Chianello I am so glad these books introduced us! I adore you so much and can't explain how very much I appreciate all that you do, and really look forward to sharing more of this craziness in my head with you.

Jessica Frider, the way that you believe in me makes me feel like anything is possible. Thank you for always being so generous with your words and heart. You are one of the strongest women than I know. I honor and respect you for continuing to always see the good.

The amazing ladies at The Review Loft, Stephanie Powell and her awesome team at Night and Day Book Blog, and Becca and Candy with Prisoners of Print who have given me so much love and excitement for all that is to come. StephanieDeLamanter Phillips with Stephanie’s Book Reports for being one of the sweetest and kindest people and taking a chance on Ace and Max. Becca Manuel with Becca the Bibliophile for being so crazy talented and loving. Yolanda Ann with The Art of Romance, Tabitha and Gia with Amazeballs Book Addicts, Kristin with a A Beatiful Book Blog, Jen, Jodie, and Kim with Lustful Literature, Stephanie with Mean Girls Luv Books, Michele with Hooked on Books, Renee and Brianna with Renee Entress’s Blog, Jodie with Jodie’s W.I.N.E List, Becca and Candy with Prisoners of Print, Vera with Vera is Reading, Lisa Marie with Risque Affair Book Blog—you ladies took a chance on me and I
can not
thank you enough. With so many amazing books and authors out there, you guys chose to read and support each of my books from the beginning, and I will always, always, ALWAYS appreciate that. You ladies are my friends, and I can’t wait to meet each of you and hug the crap out of you!

The Bosse Babes. If you love Ace and Max and aren’t a part of this awesome group, get on FB and look it up. These women are everything.

The Book Broads. You know who you are. I flove you ladies. Thank you for creating a safe and supportive area where I never have to worry about which hat I’m wearing.

Tammi Lea Ahmen, , Jenn Wood, Mariah Rice, Lucy Mae Enderby, Mary Garner, and the rest of you amazing women, THANK YOU. Thank you so much for all that do you, and for all of your continued love and support.

Susan Reeves Kleist, Jenna Chianello, Shell Williams, Courtney Kay, Terri Peterson, Katie Ross, Katie Mazur, Jessica Frider, and Lisa Greenwood, you ladies have given me so much support and recommended me to so many readers. Each time I see you refer my books to someone I am blown away. When I started this, the prospect of having anyone read my books seemed like the impossible, and you amazing ladies have given me the strength and confidence to create so many more stories. Without you all, this dream may have died. You all have provided me with a support system that has truly allowed me to reach my goal of making someone feel something while reading my books. Regardless of what happens now, this will always be my first and foremost greatest achievement as an author.

For each of my books I change up my beta team. Perhaps this is crazy, but for me it seems like a practical decision so that people don’t become too close to me and fear potentially hurting my feelings by telling me something in my book sucks. This round my awesome team of ladies was Christy Peckham, Stephanie Powell, Katie Ross, Terri Peterson, Samantha Lloyd, Katie Mazur, and Lisa Greenwood. Thank you for your honesty, scrutiny, time, and love.

Max Dobson, my fearless editor. You have taught me so much, and I know that at times that was really sucky for you since English and Creative Writing is not what I went to school for. I thank you for your continued patience, expertise, and kindness.

Murphy Rae with Indie Solutions by Murphy Rae, you are amazing! Thank you for losing your free time and creating such a gorgeous cover! You were such a lifesaver, and did it with such grace, professionalism, and awesomeness that I will never be able to say enough wonderful things about you. I never would have guessed after meeting you at the release of Maybe Someday by your awesome sister, that I would be working with you. It was an absolute pleasure, and I look forward to more!

Mary and the rest of the ladies at Love Between the Sheets, thank you so much for all of your help and doing such an awesome job of hosting things! I so much appreciate everything you have done.

A special thank you to my family. These books took a lot out of me at times. I lived their pain, and shared some of mine with them. There were times that I felt emotionally drained and lost in a fictional world. Thank you for your patience and love, and for supporting me while I shared myself and time with these characters. This includes you, Sarah Pinkerton, because you are forever a member of my family. I love you so much and can’t thank you enough for all that you do.

And to everyone that has taken this journey with me. THANK YOU!!! Thank you so much for reading these stories and sharing them with your friends! It means the world to me. Each time I receive a kind message, my heart swells with love.

We all feel lost at some point, and sometimes we’re much older than twenty or twenty-one when we do, and that’s okay. Remember, defy convention and find your own path.

Wow. Wow! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate each and every one of you for taking this journey with me. I started writing these books over two years ago on my cell phone because these characters kept talking to me, sharing their story with me. It wasn’t until I had bits and pieces from the second and third, the first one complete, and the end finished that I realized this was something I truly wanted to share. I named it a series rather than a trilogy because like many of you, I fell in love with the supporting characters, and I plan to write additional books thatiwill have them as lead characters.