Finding Me Again (5 page)

Twelve

Tripp

Desperation blooms in my chest when she races inside her house. I can’t just let Hadley leave like this. I have to finally make things right. After opening the car door, I step outside into the cool evening air. Walking toward her house, I decide it’s time to do what I should’ve done three years ago. I never should’ve broken things off with Hadley without being honest with her. She deserved the whole truth. It was a mistake to withhold it from her. And I’m ready to tell her now.

I knock a few times and then hear the pitter patter of feet on the opposite side of the door. My heart hammers in my chest and my palms clam up. I wipe them on my jeans. I am feeling a little sore, and that reminds me that I missed my last dose of medicine today. I wasn’t planning on being out this long.

The door swings open and a girl about seven or eight stands before me, long blond hair falling over her shoulders. She wears a bathing suit cover
-up and her bare toes are painted neon orange. A red ring frames her lips like she just finished drinking fruit punch. “Ainsley?” I ask, shocked at how much older she looks than the last time I saw her.

“Tripp?” Her eyebrows knit together. “Come on in. I’ll grab Hadley.” She whirls around and heads toward the kitchen. I step inside, the familiar scents of Hadley’s house circling me. Everything about this place
, from the smell to the familiar pictures on the walls, reminds me of happier times.

Hadley comes around the corner wearing a guarded expression. She crosses her arms over her chest. “What do you want, Tripp?”

“I just want to talk to you. Can I please just have a minute?”

“Give me one good reason why I should,” she says harshly.

“Because I screwed up, okay? Because everything you said in the car is correct. I did walk out on you without any explanation, and I didn’t call you in the last three years. And I’m so sorry. I should’ve been honest with you from the beginning. But I want to be honest with you now. I’m ready to tell you everything.”

“Well, what if I don’t want to hear it now? Maybe it’s too late.”

“Fair enough.” I hold up my palms. “You’re right. I should’ve done this sooner. I really am sorry, Hadley.” Defeated, I turn around and reach for the door knob.

“Wait,” she speaks so softly I almost don’t hear her.

I crane my neck to look at her.

Her cheeks flush. “Call it morbid curiosity
, but I kind of want to know.”

I heave a sigh of relief. “Want to go outside where we can be alone?”

She nods and then follows me outside. We both plop down in the grass, my old house in view. It all just feels so surreal to be with her now. I pick at a blade of grass and work up the courage to tell her.

“Do you
remember how I got sick right after graduation?” I ask her.

“Oh, yeah. Vaguely. You said you had the flu or something. I didn’t see you for like a week.” Her gaze flickers to mine. “You were so worried about giving it to me
, and you didn’t want it to ruin my summer.”

“I didn’t really have the flu,” I confess, staring out across the street. A car drives by slowly and I watch it until it disappears around the corner.

“Then what were you doing?” I hear the hurt in her voice.  I can tell she feels betrayed. We never lied to each other, so I get how she feels.

“I started to not feel good, but it was not like a normal sickness. I just felt
really achy, and sometimes it was hard to move my body, almost like my joints wouldn’t work, like I was paralyzed. A couple of times I even felt dizzy and my vision was sort of blurred. It scared the shit out of me. I told my mom, and she took me to the doctor.” As the memories flood me, I feel kind of sick. “The doctors had no idea what was going on, and they were throwing around words like MS, cancer, tumors. It was awful.”

“Oh, my god. Why didn’t you tell me?”

I still can’t bring myself to look at Hadley, so I keep my gaze trained on the street. “I didn’t want to worry you. I just kept telling myself that they weren’t going to find anything. That maybe I was just stressed or something. But then I kept getting worse, the symptoms more severe. At that point I was sure it was something awful. And even if it wasn’t, I was in no shape to go away to school. I had to stay and find out what was wrong, and then treat it. I knew if I told you, that you would want to stay with me too.”

“I would
have. No question.”

“I know. That’s why I pushed you away. I wanted you to live your life, Hadley. You are so talented. Being stuck here with a sick guy is not the future I wanted for you.”

“But that wasn’t your choice to make, Tripp. It was mine.”

I face her. “I know. I get that now, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing, the noble thing.”

“Did the doctor’s find out what was wrong?” she asks softly.

“It took mon
ths of testing to figure it out, but finally I was diagnosed with Junior Rheumatoid Arthritis.”

“Arthritis?” She scrunches up her nose. “I thought only old people got that?”

“No, it’s not what you’re thinking of. This is something that kids get. In fact, they think I probably had it for a long time I just didn’t notice. With Dad beating on me, and playing sports from a young age, I kind of just ignored it when I had aches and pains and stiff joints. I think the main reason I noticed it after graduation was because I wasn’t playing sports or anything, so it didn’t make sense.”

“So what,
you just have soreness sometimes?”

“I wish it were that simple. No, it effects my life a lot. Some days I can hardly get out of bed the pain is so bad. Other days I function okay. I take a lot of medicine. Some to help with symptoms
, and on bad days I take pain pills.” I lift my gaze to meet hers. “My life isn’t like it was. I can’t predict what kind of day I’ll have. I have missed you so much, Hadley, and I’ve regretted breaking up with you all this time. But I don’t know if I would do anything differently, because honestly I couldn’t ask you to give up everything for me.”

“I wouldn’t have been giving up everything, Tripp, because I would’ve had you.” Her eyes shine with tears. “Do you really think I would’ve chosen art over you? I loved you with everything I had. You were everything to me. I just can’t believe you made this decision for me. I’ve been miserable without you. Did you really think I couldn’t deal with this? That I would only want you if you were healthy?” She stands up angrily. “Wow. I really thought you knew me. I guess I was wrong.”

This time I don’t stop her when she leaves. I’ve told her my story. Now she needs to process it. Long after she heads inside I stay seated on the grass, mulling over what she said. The more I think on it, the worse I feel. Hadley’s right. I should’ve let her decide. Maybe if I had, things would’ve turned out better for all of us.

Thirteen

Hadley

“Wow, that’s crazy.” Paige sits across from me at the coffee shop holding a mug in her hands.

“I know.” I stare down at my own cup of coffee, my stomach in knots.
Conversations swirl around us from other tables, and an espresso machine roars to life behind me. The aromatic scent of coffee beans fills the air.

“So, he was just trying to protect you.”

My head snaps up at her words. “But he didn’t. He made things worse.”

Paige’s eyes widen. “No, I get that. But I sort of understand his position.”

“You do?” I am shocked by her admission.

“Yeah. He thought he might have cancer or something and he didn’t want to drag you into it. He wanted you to live your life.”

“But my life was with him.”

“I know that. I’m not saying that I agree with what he did. I’m just saying that he clearly thought he was doing the right thing.”

“What about when he found out it wasn’t cancer? Why didn’t he call me then?”

“
Hads, he was a football player. He’s a guy who likes to jog and take walks for fun. I’m sure the diagnosis wasn’t easy for him. Sure, it wasn’t a death sentence, but maybe it felt like it to him. It sounds like his condition is a challenge and it’s not something that’s going to go away.”

I bite my lip, rolling her words around in my mind. “I guess I have been pretty selfish. I haven’t really sat back and thought about how hard this has been on him. I’ve just been so hurt and angry.”

“I totally get it, Hads. The whole situation is screwed up.”

“I just wish he would’ve told me. I could’ve helped him, you know?” Emotion wells up in my throat
, and I swallow it down. “We missed out on so many years together. And for what?”

“None of us can go back in time. We can just make the most of right now.”

“What are you saying?”

“That Tripp is back, and he’s clearly reaching out to you.”

I shake my head. “I don’t know if things can work out with us again. Too much has happened.”

“It’s worth a try though, isn’t it?” Paige shrugs.

“I don’t know. I mean, a part of me wants to. But there’s another part of me that is still angry, and honestly, kind of scared.”

“Love’s a risk,
Hads. But if it works out, it’s definitely worth it.”

“Speaking from experience, huh?” I smile.

“Yeah. When I fell for Colt I had no idea if it would last. He kept saying that he would have to go back home, and he was distant and cold sometimes. But I wanted to be with him more than anything, so I took the risk. And I did almost lose him, remember?”

“How could I forget?”

“But even if I had it would’ve been worth it. Loving him for even a short period of time would’ve been better than never loving him at all.”

“Wow, you really have become a sap. What happened to my smartass best friend? Can I have her back please?”

Paige chuckles. “Oh, believe me, she’s still in here. She’ll rear her ugly head from time to time. Ask Colt.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”
I slide the cup of coffee in my direction and pick it up. After lifting it to my lips, I take a tentative sip. The hot liquid swims down my throat.

“What are you
gonna do?” Paige asks, eyeing me behind her large black lense-less glasses.

“I don’t know. I mean, when Tripp kissed me it was the most amazing thing that I’d experienced in the last three years, but-
-”

“Whoa. Hold on. Back the truck up.” Paige slams her cup of coffee down on the circular table.  Coffee spills out of it, splattering her arm like little paint droplets. “You so did not tell me you kissed him.”

My cheeks flame, and I run my fingertips over the rim of my mug. “I didn’t exactly kiss him. He kissed me. It was when he took me home from the cupcake shop.” I squirm uncomfortably in my seat. “It just sort of happened.”

“And when were you just
sorta gonna tell me?”

“Now,” I say with a grin.

She gives me an exasperated look. “I can’t believe he kissed you. It’s so obvious that he wants you back.”

“You really think so?” My heart lifts at the thought.

“Yeah, I do.”

I shouldn’t want Tripp back after he bro
ke my heart the way he did. However, if I’m being entirely honest, I do want him back. I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved Tripp. And people don’t usually get a second chance at true love. If I have the opportunity, shouldn’t I jump at the chance?

Fourteen

Tripp

I know I should just leave her alone. She made it clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with me when she walked away from me for the second time the other night. But now that I’ve seen her, opened up to her and kissed her, I can’t get her out of my mind. Okay, Hadley’s been on my mind every d
ay for the past three years too, but this is different. It’s like she consumes my every thought. I just can’t let her walk out of my life again without a fight. I may have screwed up three years ago, but I want a second chance. I want to win back the love of my life.

Tentatively I knock on the front door. Hadley’s car is parked along the curb
, so I’m hoping she’s home. When the door opens and Hadley stands in front of me, a relieved stream of air pushes past my lips. She looks even more beautiful than the last time I saw her, with her hair swept up in a loose ponytail and wearing a tank top and shorts.

“You look so beautiful,” I breathe the words out before I can stop myself.

Her cheeks color the same way they used to when we were younger. The simple act draws me to her even more.

“
Wanna go for a walk?” I ask her.

She hesitates for a moment
, and I can see the struggle behind her eyes. But then she nods subtly. “Okay. Let me just grab my shoes.”

While she runs back inside, I lean against the side of the house soaking in the rays of bright sunshine. It feels good to be out after spending so much time locked inside. I’ve gotten out more in the past few weeks than I had for the past few years. It’s taken a toll on my body, but oddly enough it’s also made me feel a little better. It’s almost like the more I focus on other things, the healthier I feel. Maybe it’s just because I’m not obsessing about it so much.

“Ready?” Hadley stands in front of me.

“Yep.” I push off the side of the house and start walking down the driveway.
I know I move slower than I used to. It takes a little more effort to get my body moving.

Hadley must notice it too, because she slows her pace and eyes me funny. I don’t dare meet her eye. This is one of the reasons I never wanted her to know. I didn’t want her to look at me differently or think I was weak. Isn’t the man supposed to be the strong one, not the other way around?

“I remember the first time we went on a walk together like it was yesterday,” Hadley breaks the silence.

We head off her driveway and start walking down the sidewalk toward my old house. “Yeah, me too.”

“I wasn’t sure what to make of you back then.”

I chuckle. “You made it pretty clear what you thought of me.”

“I just didn’t know you yet.”

“Do you ever regret it?”

“What?” She brushes a strand of hair from her pale cheek.

“Falling for me? I mean, I know I’ve hurt you.”

“Paige said something this morning that really stuck with me. She said that loving someone, even for a short period of time, is better than never loving them at all.”

I stop in my tracks. “Paige said that? Did she read it in a book or something?”

Hadley giggles, and the sound is music to my ears. “I know, right? It doesn’t sound like a Paige thing to say. But Colt has changed her into more of a sap I guess.”

“Yeah, those two have it bad.”

“They’re a lot like we were,” Hadley points out. “And I’ll never regret loving you, Tripp. No matter what happens.”

I smile. “I’m glad to hear that.”

“What about you? Do you regret falling for me?”

“Not at all. My only regret is how I handled things at the end.” It’s now or never. I stop walking and turn to Hadley. “If I could go back in time I would’ve done it differently.”

She faces me. “What would you have done?”

I grab her hands in mine. “I would’ve told you that I was sick, and I would’ve let you decide what to do with that information. It literally tore my heart out to leave you. I loved you so much, Hadley. I still do.” Her lips qu
iver and she looks away from me, but she doesn’t pull her hands back. So I grip them tighter and continue, “When I came back here I never expected to see you again. In fact, I assumed you’d moved on, met someone new. Just the idea killed me though. But when I saw you and found out you were still single, it brought up all these old feelings. And I realized that leaving you was the worst mistake of my life. I wasn’t helping you. Hell, I wasn’t helping either of us. I’ve been so lonely without you. And I want you back.”