Finding My Way (12 page)

“Go away, Liam.”

I straighten and cup my hands trying to see in through her blinds. “Josie come on, let me explain.”

I wait and listen for any movement, but hear nothing. She’s not coming to the window and that pisses me off. I knock a little harder on her window. “Josie, open up and talk to me.”

“Go home, Liam.”

“I don’t have a home, Josie. Come on babe, open your window before someone wakes up.” As upset as I am with Mr. Preston, I don’t want him waking up to hear us talking. “Baby, come on.”

Her blinds spring up and facing me is one angry Josie with make-up running down her face. She’s been crying and I don’t blame her but she’s reading too much into what she saw earlier. If she’d just talk to me, she’d understand.

Josie raises her window and leans out. I don’t move, holding my spot against the side of her house. “Go home, Liam. I don’t want you here.”

“What?” I choke out.

“Leave.” She points out toward the road. I follow her arm, shaking my head. I reach forward and try to touch her before she pulls back. “Don’t touch me.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I’m angry and drunk, not a good combination. “Get out here and talk to me because if I leave, I’m not coming back. Is that what you want?”

My words make her pause. She looks at me briefly before stepping back into her room. I hear her door open and close and can only assume she’s on her way out here. With my luck today she’s gone and gotten her father to come out and kick my ass. Maybe that’s what I need, my ass kicked.

Josie comes around the corner, dressed in her stupid tiny shorts and one of my t-shirts. In this moment I don’t care that she’s mad, I want to drag her ass behind the tree and do things to her that will make her dig her nails into my back.

She stomps toward me, her finger poking me in the chest. She continues to do this until we’re closer to the aforementioned tree and almost far enough from the house where her parents won’t hear us clearly.

“You don’t get to come over here drunk and demanding shit from me Liam Westbury. I don’t know who the hell you think you are, but I’m done with whatever is going on in your head.”

I put my hands back into my pocket and bite the inside of cheek. “You’re done, huh?”

“I will be.”

I nod. “I see and why’s that?”

Josie crosses her arms, which does nothing for my resolve. “I saw you with Candy.”

“You didn’t see shit, Josie. You saw us sitting on her fucking bench talking. That’s it.”

“You were smoking.”

I throw my hands up. “Oh man, you better call Sterling and tell him Beaumont’s golden boy was smoking. Better sound the sirens because Liam Westbury is going off the deep end here. I had my reasons for doing that tonight.”

“Oh yeah, like what?” She challenges. I shake my head and step away from her, only for her to step back in front of me so I can see her.

“Never mind. I’m going.”

“Don’t you dare leave,” she cries, pulling on my arm. “You were cheating on me.”

“The fuck I was,” I roar. “I’ve never even looked at another girl, unlike you and your touchy-feely bullshit with Ashford.” Josie drops her hands and steps back. I laugh to myself and groan. “You don’t think I see you in the hallway but I do. I see you touch his arm when you’re talking to him. I see the way you smile at him.”

“He’s a friend,” she says, quietly.

“Yeah well so is Candy, so there, we’re even.”

“Is that what this was? Are you trying to get even with me because of Nick?”

“No, Josie. I’m trying to numb the fucking pain of not having anyone in my life that gives a shit. My parents didn’t even show up for my own fucking graduation, and when I thought I’d be with you, your father tells me I’m not welcome. So I did what I needed to do and if that means I went the Appleton’s to get drunk so be it, and I happened to smoke with Candy, so fucking what? After today, who really gives a God damn shit how I feel or what I do?” I realize I’m yelling and pointing at her and I don’t like that. We’ve never been down this path before and it’s not someplace I want to be with her. I put my hands back in my pockets and turn away from her.

“I do,” she whispers, weakly. She reaches for me, but I shy away. I don’t want her to touch me out of pity and that’s exactly what she’s doing. Earlier, she should’ve pitied me, spoke up to her father, but she didn’t.

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Josie.”

“Of course it does.”

I shake my head and wish I were back on that swing getting drunk with Candy because she didn’t care about anything. She just wanted someone to drink with.

“I’ll see ya around.” Only after I say those words do I understand the magnitude behind them. I don’t wait for her response. I walk away. Nothing good is going to come from talking to her tonight or even tomorrow.

Chapter 20

T
here’s only been one other time in my life, well the life I’ve shared with Josie, that I’ve gone longer than two days without talking to her. Those days were unavoidable since I was with Sterling touring colleges. But at night, I’d sneak out and call her and just say hi so I could hear her voice. But as I lay here now, with my arms behind my head and staring at the ceiling she painted, I can’t bring myself to call her or even muster enough courage to get out of bed to go to her.

I’m a dick, an ass, a piece of shit boyfriend. I’m whatever names I can conjure up in my head to describe the feelings I’m having about myself. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong about what happened the other night. I do know that I’m confused. I’m hurt and angry and I’m counting the days until my feet land on campus so I can put Beaumont behind me. Graduation wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and by the end of the night, everything was nothing but a fucking blur. Worst of all, my girl and I walked away from each other not speaking.

I keep thinking that life is supposed to be easy, simple even. I don’t see Mason having all these problems. I know Katelyn’s mom is uptight and not a fan of Mason’s, but she doesn’t tell Katelyn to stop seeing him. Mason’s dad has been to all our games and yeah, my dad shows up, but he’s not there to watch me play. He’s there to make sure I don’t do anything to embarrass him, like ask for a sub when I’m tackled and can’t breathe. No, Liam Westbury would never ask for a sub. “Suck it up, son,” he has said so many times over and over again.

I’m selfish. I know this. I have the life most guys my age want. I’m going to college to play football for free. I have a hot ass girlfriend and my parents don’t give a shit if I come home at night. What more could an eighteen year old ask for?

I want someone to care. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, but maybe it is and I should just give up the notion that someone will someday and just go with the flow of having a shitty life the rich way.

My door opens and I don’t even lift my head to see why my mom is in my room. She has no business being in here. It’s not like she’s having a sudden change of heart and is going to invite me to join her for lunch. She probably doesn’t have permission to even be in my room. Sterling would never allow it. I have no doubt he hides her vodka to get her to comply with his demands. I’ll never be like him. I’d rather be alone and living in a cardboard box before I act like that prick.

“Liam,” she says only it’s not my mom it’s Josie. I lift my head slightly just to confirm that my ears aren’t bullshitting me. I’ve been in my room since the night of graduation, for all I know I’m hallucinating because there’s no way in hell Josie Preston would set foot in this house unless she knows for sure that no one is home.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, laying my head back down. I can’t look at her knowing that we’re through. These past few days have been the worst of my life, and a glimpse of what college will be like. I knew I wouldn’t have her with me, but at least we’d talk. Now we’re not even doing that.

The foot of my bed dips as she sits down. I stay in the same position. I’m not going to look at her knowing that she’s here to make sure we’re finished. I know how town gossip works, I’m sure Ashford drove her over to make sure she tells me were done. It’s okay, they can have a long happy life together while I bust my ass playing a game I’m starting to fucking despise. Hell, maybe I’ll finally start listening to Sterling and take advantage of what all those girls at college are willing to give me.

“Liam, can you look at me?” I close my eyes and shake my head. She has to know how much it pains me. I can already hear the disconnect in her voice. It’s really better this way, especially for me.

“Liam?”

“What, Josie?” saying her name out loud feels like I’m pressing a sharp blade to my skin, just waiting for it to pierce me and draw first blood.

“I’m here to talk to you. Can you at least look at me?”

I sit up quickly, startling her. “Well go on then, tell me that you’re done with me and get out of my room. I’m not in the mood.”

She balks, shaking her head. “What is wrong with you? I came here –”

“And I’m still trying to figure out why?”

“To see you,” she says quietly. She’s trying to maintain eye contact with me, but can’t. Not that I can blame her, I’m not exactly smiling at her right now. I move to the side of my bed and rest my elbows on my knees. My heart is breaking and staring at her is only making it worse.

“I’m sorry for being a dick, Josie. But you really shouldn’t be here. Sterling will probably show up and find you and it’ll be ugly.”

“I’m not leaving until we figure this out. If your dad wants to toss me out on my ass, so be it. But until that happens you and I are talking.”

I look at her over my shoulder and see tears pooling in her eyes. I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but I was hoping tears would be avoidable. We’ve had a few days to figure shit out and what we’re going to say to each other. She thinks I cheated. I think she likes Ashford a bit too much. It’s jealousy that’s going to drive us apart and there’s nothing I can do about it. Hell, I don’t even know what to do about it. I don’t know how to change it either.

“I don’t like to see you cry, Jojo, so say what you have to say. I can take it.”

Josie takes a deep breath and I focus on a spot on my floor, hoping that it can keep my attention because looking at her will break me.

“I love you, Liam Page Westbury, and I don’t know why we ended up like this for the past two days, but I don’t like it. I don’t like not seeing you every day or even hearing your voice. We had a fight… our first fight and it was a big one. We’ve never even argued before and that fight was huge. I don’t know how we’re supposed to fix it, but we have to because I love you too much and I can’t live if you’re not in my life.”

Against my better judgment I turn and look at her. Tears are falling down her face. I want to reach for her and hold her against me, taking away all the pain I’ve caused. This only proves my point – I’m a piece of shit boyfriend.

“Josie –” she puts her hand up to stop me.

“Let me finish.” I nod. “You’re leaving for school soon. We only have weeks, Liam, and the last thing I want is to spend the rest of our time together with this hanging over our heads. I won’t be able to handle being away from you knowing that things weren’t perfect when you left. Until football is over, I’ll hardly see you and I hate to think that you’ll be unsure about us while you’re in Texas,” she sobs. Josie covers her face with her hands and hiccups. It only takes me seconds before I have her pulled into my arms. I’m stroking her back, her shoulders and arms, anything I can to soothe the pain I’ve caused her.

“I love you, Josie. I hope you know that. The other night – I was drunk and hurt – it’s no excuse, but it’s all I can offer.”

“I’m sorry about my dad, Liam. I didn’t know he was going to do that and when I asked him why, he said something stupid about my cousin and family and I was pissed. I ditched as soon as I could, but then I found you and Candy.”

“We were talking, Jojo.”

She shakes her head. I shouldn’t have to defend my actions. It’s not like I was doing something bad.

“You were smoking.”

I tense briefly in her arms. “I was trying something new. That’s what we’re supposed to do, right? How are we supposed to grow as people if we don’t try new things or test limits? I’d never do anything to disrespect you, babe. I wouldn’t. Nothing is worth that.”

Josie nods and snuggles into my chest. I lay us back onto my bed and curl her into me. “Are we breaking up?” I ask, stupidly.

“I don’t want to, ever.”

“Me neither, Jojo. I love you more than anything.”

“More than smoking with Candy?”

I nod, unable to answer. I do love Josie, but smoking with Candy was peaceful and relaxing. There was no talk about expectations or life. I look into Josie’s blue eyes and smile. “Yes, baby.” I say as I bring my lips down onto hers. I pull her to me, sliding my leg in between hers. Her leg hitches over my hip as she moans into my mouth. I’ve heard make-up sex is the best ever invention, but I don’t know what’s going on downstairs and the last thing I need is for my father to bust open my door when my robotic mother tells him Josie’s in here and have him find us in a compromising position. So right now I’ll make out with my girl before she slips away from me.

Chapter 21

I
’m packing the last bit of camping gear into my truck when I hear the screen door open and shut. There’s a squeak, something that I’m surprised hasn’t been fixed yet, but I guess if you never come out here you don’t know about it. I know about it, but refuse to oil the hinges. Personally, I like the noise. It’s somewhat soothing in what is otherwise a rather quiet house.

I don’t have to turn around to know that Sterling is approaching me. It’s the stench of his cologne that wafts through the air that alerts me to his location. I move the storage totes full of camping supplies around in my truck, tying them down with bungee cords just to keep myself busy. I really have no inclination to turn around and see what he wants. It’s funny, really. He hasn’t spoken to me in months and now he’s standing out here watching me. Maybe he thinks I’m moving out or leaving early for college. The thought has crossed my mind. I can check in anytime, but next week is the
official
day to report. I’ll have one day to acclimatize myself before football starts.