Finding My Way Home (12 page)

“Hi Noah, did I wake you?” 

“Oh hi, no I,
its ok. I guess I fell asleep watching TV.”

“Listen I hate to bug you again but I just found out that Joe has shipped my stuff to grandma’s house.”

“No worries, I’ll make sure to be there when they arrive and put them inside.  You ok?  I guess it’s official?  Between you and Joe?”

“Hmm, looks like it.  Did
Gigi tell you?”  It wasn’t a secret and it wasn’t like I told her not to say anything about it but still.  I didn’t know how I felt about Noah knowing that I’d gone crazy and that was why my boyfriend didn’t want me anymore.  It didn’t sound too romantic, did it?

“Nah, she only said you moved out and you might come back here. It would be
good to have you here again.”  There was a long pause before he spoke again.  “Did you get my package?”

“Sure did.  I haven’t had a chance to open it yet but it’s on my to-do list.  Well I better let you go back to sleep.  I will probably see you sometime next week.” 

When I got off the phone, I noticed Angel was in the doorway watching me.  I guess the cat was out of the bag now and she didn’t look happy.

“You’re leaving?”

“I was going to tell you but didn’t know how.  You’ve been so good to me Angel and I hate to leave but I don’t belong here anymore.”

“I know you’re right but that doesn’t make it any easier.  I really loved having
you here.” 

            
 
Angel drove me to the airport and the entire drive she talked nonstop, something she did whenever she was nervous, sad, or just trying to keep herself from crying.  We both looked tired from staying up all night and no amount of makeup was able to cover our dark circles and red eyes.  Part of me wanted to stay here but the other part couldn’t wait to get back home.  I was ready to grow up and make a life for myself.  I had to do this; had to do something that my grandparents would be proud of.

“You better take good care of yourself and don’t be a stranger.  Whenever you’re ready to come back I’ll be here,” she said and hugged me closely.

“I will email you all the time and we can talk on Skype.  You can’t get rid of me that easy.”  I smiled at her gratefully and took the carryon bag she was holding out for me.  We hugged one last time then parted ways.  So many goodbyes in such a short time. 

The whole thing felt like déjà vu, checking in, grabbing some coffee, mindlessly flipping through a magazine, boarding the plane. I took my seat by the window not paying attention to what was going on around me; none of it mattered.  I was going home.  I closed my eyes and tried to picture what my life was going to be like.  I had no job, only a few thousand in the bank but still
I was more fortunate than many. 

We landed right around dinner time and while I was hungry, I didn’t want to waste any time eating. I picked up my luggage then headed out to find a taxi.  Unlike last time
, there was no question about where to stay, this time I was one hundred percent sure that I wanted to go to my grandparents’ house.  That was where I belonged; there was no question about that. 

The taxi driver looked familiar but he made no attempt
at small talk.  He parked right in my nana’s driveway and just before I got out of the car, I dared glance towards Noah’s house.  His truck was not there and I sighed with relief.  I watched the taxi drive away then walked purposefully up the stone steps that lead to the door.  I unlocked it and stepped inside gasping in surprise at the amount of stocked boxes neatly lining the wall.  Did Joe ship the entire apartment? For now it didn’t really matter; it was just another thing to add to the worry-about-it- tomorrow list. 

The hunger was long forgotten so I locked the front door, dropped my shoes and bag right next to it, and then walked in the dark to my old room.  I crawled into my bed
and closed my eyes praying sleep would take over soon.  Maybe I was dreaming, or maybe I was just so tired that my mind was making things up but I could swear I heard my nana humming the old lullaby she used to sing to me when I was a child.  I fell asleep to soft fingers combings through my hair and knew that no matter how crazy it sounded, I was happy to have nana watch over me again.

Morning came too soon but I was ready.  After washing up, I put my hair in a ponytail and went to make coffee.  While waiting, I started making a list of things I had to work on.  The most important was probably finding a job but I couldn’t think about that yet.  I decided that
Gigi was probably my best bet in this situation since she once had to start all over again.  If she could do it with a newborn, I had no reasons not to.  I dialed her number and while I waited for an answer I looked around the kitchen thinking it needed a makeover.

“Hi there Bren.
  Kind of early for phone calls,” she laughed. This girl was always in a great mood and I wanted some of her positive attitude to rub off on me.

“I thought I’d let you know that I’m home. 
For good this time.”  I had to move the cell away from my ear because of her screams of excitement. 

“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
  I am so freaking happy, it’s not even funny.  I’m coming over right now since I don’t have to work until six tonight.” 

In fifteen minutes she was at the door, as promised.  She was casually dressed in jeans and a pink t-shirt with her hair piled up high on her head.  She looked so young and
carefree; if you didn’t know her story you would think that she’d never had a single worry.  But I knew better and that made me love her even more. We hugged in front of my door moving from side to side in a dance before she started jumping up and down.  I couldn’t stop laughing as I pulled her inside. 

“
Don’t they have food in Boston,” she asked and took a step back to look me up and down.  “You were skinny to begin with but now you look like a ghost girl.  No worries, I’ll make sure to feed you.”  I grabbed her hand and hugged her again.  When we were in high school, she was always concerned about others and I guess that didn’t change.  “I can’t believe you moved back.  I’ve been praying for this for years Bren.  This is like the best day ever, aside from the day I had my son.”  We moved to the kitchen and I poured her a cup of coffee then refreshed mine. 

“I’m happy to be home too.  I have so much
that I need to do and I figured that there is no one better than you to help me figure it all out, right?”

“I don’t know how good I am but whatever you need I’ll try to help you out.  Did you decide if you were going to keep the house?  I know last time you were thinking of selling it.”

“I thought about it but I decided to keep it.  I’m going to do some changes like paint and stuff but considering I have no job, I will at least I have shelter.  I have to go through the boxes Joe sent me then clean up the attic and maybe when all is done I’ll be ready to start looking for work.”

“I have a crazy schedule until Saturday
so I can come over then.”  Just like that she was already on board.  I almost forgot that true friends usually did that for one another.  It felt amazing and a few hours later as she was getting ready to leave, we had already settled on a time to get together. 

Noah’s truck was now in his driveway but there was no sign of him anywhere.  I closed the door fast and sat against it trying not to think of how wonderful he had been and just how great he looked.   I pushed him out of my mind and rolled my sleeves up
so I could get ready to work. 

The attic was no longer a mess, another great deed of Noah’s I’m sure and the boxes were lined up just as they were before. 
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to keep and what I was going to throw away; it just didn’t feel right to move my nana’s things.  One by one I started to move the boxes from Boston into the attic and looked through the things Joe packed for me.  It was mostly my books, movies, and clothes.  What I didn’t expect was to find all the kitchen things I purchased while we were together.  I guess he really wanted to get me out of his apartment.  Just as well since I had no desire to go back. 

I worked through lunch cleaning and pilling up the empty boxes.  By dinner time I was exhausted and my body ached but it felt good
. I looked around the house and I felt more at home than ever.  I warmed up a can of soup and indulged in a hot long bath. With no desire to watch TV, I sat on my old bed and started cleaning my handbag.  I turned it upside-down on top of the comforter and almost laughed at all the crap that spilled out.  Old receipts, a few coins, lip gloss, mirror, a tampon, my kindle, Band-Aids, two wallets – not sure why but then again I haven’t been myself for the past few weeks, and a stack of letters. 

I ran my hand over the beautiful writing on the envelopes and wondered
about the person that wrote so much to my nana.  Who were they? And why did she keep it a secret all these years? With my curiosity piqued, I pulled one envelope from its tight ribbon and took out one single paper.  It was addressed to my nana and written in the same delicate handwriting that was on the envelope.

Dear Sonia,

Have you had a chance to think about my offer?  I know you are suffering right now after your son’s passing but I believe this would be a good time to talk to Brenda about me.
  She deserves to know the truth.  I am here for her, always have been.  All you have to do is say the word and I’ll come get her. Please let me know. 

Fondly,

Max

I pulled another envelope with shaky hands and tried to catch my breath.  Who was this man?  Was my grandmother having an affair? 

Dear Sonia,

I am still hoping that you’ll change your mind.  Did you get my last letter?  I included a few pictures of Adele and Br
ian so that you can show Brenda.  My wife and I just purchased a new house and have a room ready for her whenever she’s ready to come and live with us.  I believe she would have a much better life here with us, not that you’re not doing a good job.  Please consider my offer.  I don’t want to contact a lawyer but I will if it comes to that.  You have my number.

Max

              Each and every letter was the same but different.  They went from having a nice tone to being angry; polite but angry.  When I got to the last one I just stood there starring at it for a long time.  The answers had to be in that envelope, answers that I wasn’t sure that I was ready for.  This man, whoever he was, wanted me to be with his family.  That meant he knew me, he was not a stranger.  I took a deep breath and pulled the last one out. 

             
Dear Sonia,

             
I haven’t heard from you in a while so I’m not sure what’s going on.  I found out that Brenda went to school in Boston and I finally got to see her.  I didn’t have the courage to go up to her.  It was like looking at Adele and not just because of the way she looks.  Even the way she walks, the way she dresses, she is just like her sister. I finally caved in and spoke with a lawyer to see what would be the best way to get in contact with Brenda.  You had plenty of opportunities but since you refused you left me no other choice.  She’s my daughter too, Sonia.  I stayed away while your son was alive out of respect.  It’s my turn to get to know my oldest daughter so please don’t make it any harder than it already is.  I’m sorry we couldn’t do this without involving some stranger.  Let me know if you changed your mind.

Max

I had another father.  That didn’t sound right.  It had to be a mistake.  I crumbled the paper in my hand and tried to calm my breathing. One, two, three, one, two, three….
The pain I was feeling was excruciating.  There were no tears, no sobs, just pain.  I rushed to the bathroom to pour out my already empty stomach. 
Why was all this happening
? I washed my face with cold water over and over again, scrubbing harder than necessary then walked back into my room.  The letters were strewn all over the bed taunting me. Without thinking I yanked the blanket and threw it across the room making the papers fly all over the floor. 

The pain in the back of my head grew stronger.  I lay on the mattress and closed my eyes trying to make the spinning room stop.  I felt her presence before she spoke.  Her cold fingers touched my flushed skin but I didn’t open my eyes; I didn’t want to see her or speak to her. 

“I know you’re angry with me,” she said finally.  “Telling you I’m sorry won’t fix this baby girl.  You need to understand that I had my reasons for keeping this a secret.”  When I didn’t answer she went on.  “You father made me promise not to say a word about this to you.  I kept my promise for as long as I could.”  I shut my eyes tighter wishing her away, wishing it all away.  Not that long ago I thought I had it all.  Now I was just a speck of dust flying in the air, bouncing from wall to wall in an empty room, with nothing to hold on to. 

             
When I finally moved she was no longer there.  Slowly I got up and tried to decide what my next move should be.
Come back
, I thought. Before I could even think another thought, I could see a thin cloud forming in the middle of the room.  It was as if someone blew out a candle and all that was left was the smoke.  It was hard to make out her features but she was there none the less.

             
“Tell me everything,” I whispered. 

             
And so this is how I found out about my mother’s affair.  She had been married to my dad for just a few months and he was working long hours, leaving her all alone feeling neglected.  I wish I could feel sorry for her but I just couldn’t.  What happened to the commitment they made to one another?  Is nothing sacred in this world? My mother took a part time job at a hospital where this Max guy was doing his residency and they became friends.  My father even got to meet him a few times.  When she got pregnant with me, my father did not question whether or not I was his because he didn’t feel he had a reason to.  If only he knew…

             
Even my nana didn’t know all the details as to how my father finally found out but he made her promise that no matter what happened I could never find out the truth. 

             
“He loved you so much and didn’t want you to think any less of your mother.  They were so young when they got married and as much as I loved your mother, I didn’t think she was ready to be tied down.  She wanted your father to pay attention to her, to take her places, buy her expensive things.  She felt terrible for what she did but she never regretted having you.  Both of them adored you honey, you must always remember that.”

             
“Why did you decide to tell me?  Why couldn’t you just take this horrible secret with you?”