Finding My Way Home (11 page)

             
“Thank you so much Irene.  My aunt was worried but she’s ok now.” 

             
“Oh I’m glad to help you out.  I’ll let you rest now but you press that button if you need anything, you hear?”

             
The darkness filled the room but this time I was no longer scared.  I knew that Angel would find a way to get me out. All I could think about was confronting Joe.  I would have to find another place to stay and just the thought of starting over was overwhelming. 

             
The commotion outside my room woke me up.  I instantly recognized Angel’s voice and couldn’t help but smile.  She was not one to mess around with and always got her way.  The door opened and she walked in, a police officer following close behind.  For a second I froze with fear thinking that maybe she was in trouble.

             
“Hi honey,” she crossed the room and I found myself pulled into her thin arms.  “I can’t believe you’ve been here this whole time.  I could kill Joe for doing this to you.”  I looked behind her to the stranger and she turned around to follow my gaze.  “Oh this is Charles, my brother.  I figured I’d bring in the big guns if I’m going to get you out of here.”  The tall officer reached out to take my hand giving it a small shake.  

             
“Nice to meet you Brenda.”

             
“Brenda,” Angel spoke again, “the nurse called the doctor because I guess he asked them not to allow visitors so all hell will break loose. Is there anything you can tell us about this guy?”             

             
“He’s Joe’s physician but he’s a snake Angel.  He has made several passes at me in the past and each time I refused him.  Saying we’re not friends is putting it mildly. I detest him with a passion and that’s why I can’t understand why Joe took me to see him.”  Before I had a chance to tell her more, the door burst open and Dr. Cruz appeared in the doorway. 

             
“What do you think you’re doing?  My patient is in critical condition and no visitors are allowed.” 

             
“You son of a-” I yelled at him but Charles raised his hand to stop me. 

             
“Dr. Cruz, I’m Officer Ford.  I believe there’s been a misunderstanding because as you can see Brenda here is doing just fine.  How about you look over her chart one more time.  Unless you would like me to bring in a second opinion.”

             
The doctor looked like he just swallowed something bitter; he looked angrily in my direction but did not dare to speak to me.  I wanted to jump out of bed and kiss Angel for having the right mind to bring in her brother.

             
“Brenda was brought here by her boyfriend and considering the state she was in, we decided it was best to keep her under close observation to prevent her from having another nervous breakdown and potentially harm herself.”

             
“I’m sure at that time it was the right decision.  However, what I’m not sure is how you managed to admit her all on your own and keep her here for that long.  I am sure this is not the hospital’s standard procedure. If you don’t sign the release forms right now I’m sure I can get the board to look over her chart and take it from there.  What do you say?” There was no room for him to argue with Charles who was now holding my chart, waiting for the doctor to take it from his hand. 

             
“I will have to call Joe, I hope you know that,” Dr. Cruz said as he scribbled on the chart. 

             
“You do what you have to do Doctor, but she is leaving with us now.” 

             
Angel was already taking some things out of her oversize bag and placing them on my bed. Charles pretty much pushed the doctor out of the room, leaving Angel to help me dress.  I looked like hell from not showering and being inside for such a long time but none of that mattered.  I was going home. 

             
The drive to Angel’s place was the longest drive I’ve ever been on.  At least it felt that way.  Her brother tried to keep the conversation going and away from the morning’s events but I couldn’t really focus on what was being said.  I wanted to get far away from the hospital as soon as possible; I wanted to get to Angel’s house so I could wash away the dirty feeling I had from being stuck in that room. 

             
Angel parked in front of a two story family home and I looked around wondering if maybe we were going to Charles’ place.  It was not what I imagined Angel’s place to look like.  The street was lined with beautiful redbud trees and all the houses had lush green lawns.  It looked like a picture perfect neighborhood. 

             
The inside was just as welcoming; rich dark hardwood floors, antique mahogany furniture, and family pictures covering the brightly painted walls. A massive red sofa in one corner with a matching ottoman, tiffany style lamps, and flowy curtains finished the living room.  It was a mix of old and new and it looked beautiful. 

             
“Brenda let me show you where the guest room is and then you can shower while I order us some food.  Is Chinese ok?”  Before I could answer Charles turned towards me and touched my arm.

             
“I have to get back to work but you can call me anytime.  I am sure you’ll want to go back to your place and get your things so let me know when you’re ready to do so.  You take care now.”  We shook hands and after he gave his sister a brief hug he was gone.

             
“So how about we show you your room,” Angel smiled.

             
“Sounds good.  I can’t wait to shower.”  The room was just as lovely as the rest of the house with pale pink walls, flowery curtains and a matching comforter.  It looked girly, pretty and cheery. 

             
“Angel, I can’t thank you enough,” I said and my eyes got teary. 

             
“You don’t need to thank me honey.  You are like my daughter.  Now, I put fresh towels in the bathroom and there are some new pajamas in there that you can use.  I got them for Christmas from my sister-in-law.  Don’t know what she was thinking if you ask me.  Ok I’m going to let you wash up.”  She patted my cheek just the way my nana used to then walked out leaving me alone in the pink room.

             
The shower felt heavenly and I stayed under the hot water until my skin was all wrinkly like a dry prune. I dried with one of the soft towels then picked up the pajamas.  I now understood why Angel didn’t like them.  They were very colorful and covered with Sesame Street               characters.  How could anyone buy something like this for a single woman in her fifties, especially a woman like Angel? I pulled the pants up and realized just how much weight I had lost while in the hospital.  You could feel the hip bones protruding and I had to pull the string harder to keep the pants from falling. 

             
I left the room to look for Angel.  It was not hard to find her; just had to follow the aroma lingering in the air.  True to her word, she ordered us Chinese from the same place we usually catered from at work.  My mouth was watery and my stomach was making strange noises from the hunger.  We ate the delicious food in silence but it didn’t feel uncomfortable.  Sitting in her kitchen made me miss having a mother, or my nana.  It felt good to be taken care of, to feel loved. 

             
I pushed the melancholy aside and concentrated on the food.  Looking around the kitchen it made me wonder why Angel never married.  From what I could tell, she would make a wonderful wife and an even better mother.  I knew better than to ask such a personal question, after all I was not one to talk.  My own relationship was up in smoke without a chance of being fixed. 

             
After we finished eating and the plates cleared we moved into the living room.  The big red sofa was not only beautiful but comfortable as well.  My whole body sunk into the soft cushions and I felt more relaxed than ever. 

             
“Bren if you want you can go rest.  I was going to put a movie on.”

             
“Sounds like a plan.  I’ll just apologize in advance in case I end up snoring.”

             
We both laughed and I watched her pop in the DVD.  It was an old black and white movie and before long all my life drama was forgotten and I was fully enjoying myself.  Luckily I didn’t fall asleep and after the movie the two of us stayed up into the morning hours talking.  Before going to bed we made plans for the next day to go to my place so I could pick up some essentials. 

             
That night I dreamt about my grandmother and it felt so real that in the morning the dream was still fresh in my mind.  She wanted me to go back home to Rockford; to go back to the old house I grew up in.  I had no idea why it was important for me to do so but that morning I realized that I had to do just that if I was ever going to start living again.

             
I took another shower and changed into the clothes Angel gave me at the hospital, then quickly made the bed and opened up the windows to let some fresh air in.  I felt a heavy pain deep in my heart just thinking about what I had to do but knew that there was no way around it.  I was just grateful that I didn’t have to face Joe alone. While I knew that he should be at work most of the day, a part of me knew that he would probably be waiting for me at the house. 

             
While I was drinking my coffee in the kitchen, Angel made a quick call to her brother letting him know what we were about to do. She gave him my address and he promised to meet us there.  The whole thing felt like it was part of a movie, not my life. 

             
“Don’t worry about a thing,” Angel said as she took a seat across from me and picked up her coffee.  “We’re not going to let him bully you.”

             
“I’m not worried about that,” I said and gave her a half smile to assure her that I was ok.  “It’s not how I imagined my life but I guess God has a better plan for me.  I feel sad in a way.  Hard to let go of three years, you know?”

             
Angel sighed and softly placed the cup back on the table.  “I was married once.”

             
I didn’t know what to say; this was news to me and I was curious to know more. “What happened?”

             
“We woke up one day and realized we didn’t know anything about each other.  We were no longer the same people we once were.  Our goals had somehow changed as we got older and as hard as it was to let him go, I had to do what was best for both of us.”

             
“Wow I don’t know what to say.  You never talked about him.”

             
“It’s still hard to talk about it.  There are times when I think that maybe I was too selfish.  Maybe I could’ve been more accommodating but it just wasn’t me.  He understood and we parted, I guess you could say as friends. Although it’s not like we keep in touch or anything.  He remarried and has a family now and I am, well I am me.”  She smiled and picked up her cup again, but the smile never reached her eyes.  I guess I wasn’t the only one with regrets.

             
“I’m really sorry.”

             
“Eh, what are going to do, right?” she replied and waved my worried away.  “Well we better hurry or Charles will be stuck in front of your building waiting for us.”

             
When we arrived at my apartment Joe was waiting for me, just as I expected.  Uncomfortably, he looked at Charles who was a good couple of inches taller and in much better shape.  If that was not enough to intimidate him, the uniform was doing the trick.  Charles introduced himself and explained to Joe that he was here just to ensure that I was not going to have any problems removing my personal belongings from the apartment.  Angel did not bother to speak but every now and then she would shoot him deadly looks. 

             
I looked around the place trying to figure out what I needed to take with me and what else needed to be packed and shipped to Rockford.  The whole time Joe sat with his face buried in his hands and it was hard to hate him while he was like that.  I dropped the bag and moved across the room until I sat in front of him.

             
“Joe, how could you leave me there for two weeks?”  It was a simple question but he was having a hard time answering it.  When he finally looked at me, I could see his eyes getting moist. 

             
“It was the only thing I could do.  You were going crazy Bren.  You really were.  The day I found you on the floor you wouldn’t stop laughing, then crying, and it freaked me out.  Dr. Cruz said you needed to be hospitalized and I had no reason not to believe him.”

             
“Did you ever consider that maybe talking to me about it would’ve been easier than to just push me away onto someone else like I was a burden?  For years I caved in, I did only what you wanted, ate the food you liked, watched the movies you picked, had the same friends as you because yours were so much better than mine.  When I needed you the most you pushed me away.  How could you?” 

             
“Look can we talk about this in private?  You can’t just walk out.  Yes maybe what I did was wrong but what do you want me to say?  I’m not good with this stuff, you know that.”

Did he just say he wasn’t good with stuff?  Our relationship was just a bunch of stuff crammed together? 
The promise I made not to cry in front of him was long forgotten as the sobs escaped with full force.  Tears were running down my face and my whole body was shaking in anger.  I was angry at him for not being man enough to admit his mistakes.  He simply stood there watching me the way you would a stranger on the street.  No emotions, no regret, no pain. 

“
Oh God please don’t cry.  I know I screwed up but I can fix it baby.  Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.” I wanted to believe him but he just didn’t sound honest enough.  I was just another project to him, and he never liked to lose. 

“I’m not your baby.
Joe it doesn’t work that way, you can’t expect me to tell you what to do. Don’t you think you should be able to know on your own? Let’s forget for a moment about the hospital thing.  What about when my grandma died?  Where were you Joe?  I came back to find the apartment full of strangers drinking and partying.  I could never do that to you.” When he didn’t say anything I just shook my head and started to walk away.  “I left you the address where you can send the rest of my stuff.  You can have your secretary invoice me for the delivery costs.”

Angel came and put her arm around me, while Charles picked up the bags. 
Just as we were about to leave the apartment when I noticed the stack of mail sitting on the long table by the entrance.  I looked through it and one large envelope caught my attention.  It was from Noah and immediately I realized what it contained.  Great. The day was getting better and better.  I dropped all my mail inside my bag and after one last look in Joe’s direction, I left the apartment for the last time.  He didn’t try to stop me, he didn’t come after me, and he didn’t care.  I should probably be thankful for that; he was making it a lot easier to leave him.

Charles walked us to Angel’s car then after we said our goodbyes, we were once again driving to Angel’s house. The first thing I did when we got there was change into my own
clothes. I suddenly felt better. It had been a crazy month but I was ready to get my life back.

I stayed at Angel’s for two weeks.  We drove to work together, went shopping, cooked, watched movies.  Little
by little I was feeling better, no longer crying at the drop of a pin, and had started making plans for the future.  It was going to be hard breaking the news to her about my move and I wasn’t sure how to tell her.  She had been the key to my recovery. 

While living with Angel, I kept in touch with
Gigi, telling her all about my ordeal with Joe and it felt so good to have another friend listen to me and just be there.  She was excited to see me again and was already running her mouth a hundred miles per hour about all the things we were going to do when I got back.   Noah was a different story; I just couldn’t talk to him.  I didn’t want him to ask me about the letters or pressure me into reading them.  They were my letters after all; mine to do with as I pleased.  For now they were stashed away with the rest of my things.  I was not ready to find out more bad news.  And I was absolutely sure it was going to be bad.  After all, when it rains it pours.

Joe
only called me once and I picked up the phone by mistake.  The funny thing was that he didn’t call to apologize or ask me back.  He only wanted to let me know that my stuff had been shipped.  And that was it.  That pretty much capped my three year relationship. Three years I wish I could get back and fix, years that were now just a blur.  In spite of wanting to do so, I was now forced to call Noah and let him know my things were on the way.  I stared at the phone for several minutes before dialing his number. 

“Hello?”  His voice sounded tired like he just woke up and I instantly felt bad for bothering him again with my personal problems.