Finding Strength (21 page)

Zak’s lips are on mine before I could say anything else. The feelings we both share for each other are being said without words as our kiss becomes more heated. When Zak breaks the connection between us, a whimper escapes my kiss swollen lips. Our eyes connect and there is a different look in his eyes, one that says what no words could ever say. Running his fingers across my cheeks, wiping away the remaining moisture, Zak quietly says, “I love you, Anna.”

“I love you, too, Zak.” The words flowing freely from lips.

Chapter Thirty-Three

August 14
th
, 2010

The setting sun cast an orange glow over the pristine white sand. We had decided that a small wedding with just our closest friends and family was all we needed. Biloxi is beautiful this time of year. Waves crashed onto the shore just out of reach of the wooden arch. Pale yellow callas were tucked neatly between white roses and were interspersed with the prettiest deep purple orchids. The flowers wove a pattern of beauty across the top of the wooden plank. Ribbons of the same purple and yellow blew gently in the ocean breeze on either side of the arch.

Zak stood just under the canopy of flowers, the preacher directly behind him. Shane was to his left. My eyes raked over Zak’s solid frame, taking the sight of him in and committing every detail to memory. Barefoot with khaki pants that hung low on his waist, a white button up shirt fit snug against his muscles had me entranced in his exquisiteness. I heard the music playing low float across the beach, yet I couldn’t take my eyes from Zak. Allie’s voice snapped me out of my trance.

“Is it my turn now?” she asked, looking up at me.

“Yes, you and Braxton go ahead, stay together.”

I watch as the two walk down the aisle, Allie tossing yellow rose petals from the basket onto the sand below. The white ruffles on the back of her dress bounced with every step that she took. Braxton was dressed to match Zak and made sure that he stayed right with Allie as if he was her protector and guardian. When they reached the end of the makeshift aisle, they parted ways, Braxton moving to stand with Zak and Shane, Allie taking her place with Amy.

I smoothed my white summer dress down, wiping the moisture from my palms as I did. As the music changed, I took the first step toward my future. It doesn’t take long to reach Zak. I place my hands in Zak’s as we stand together to unite our lives from this day forward. Zak recites his vows, pledging to love and to cherish, honor and to forever be by my side. He slides a white gold band onto my finger pushing it up against the solitaire diamond engagement ring he had given me months before.

When my turn comes to pledge my love for him, I slide his ring onto his finger, keeping a hold on it while I speak. I return the promise to love and cherish, honor him and to forever be by his side. My words come out strong, even through the tears of joy that I can’t hold back. Amy’s sniffles do nothing to help the tears from spilling over, only allow them to fall faster one after the other.

Soon, the preacher announces us as husband and wife and Zak drops my hands, moving his to cup my cheeks. Leaning in, his lips touch mine, softly, moving in a slow rhythm. It doesn’t take long for his kiss to change from sweet to passionate. Zak pulls back only when the catcalls begin and Shane yells out reminding us this is a public beach. We all break out into a fit of laughter. Grabbing hold of my hand, Zak leads us down the sandy aisle followed by our family and friends.

Inside the hotel, the banquet room is set up and decorated for our reception with the same type of yellow and purple flowers from the wedding. Vases of orchids sit in the center of each table. It’s classy, but not overly done. Everyone enjoys the buffet, stocked with many different kinds of food, from steak to seafood, vegetables and fruit.

A soft melody starts to play and Zak stands, offering me his hand. I take it and he helps me up, then leads us out onto the dance floor. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he pulls me close and hums along with the music.

“Thank you, Anna,” he says softly against my skin. I pull back just enough to look at him and ask, “For what?”

“For giving me this,” he replies as he places his hand over my chest where the heart I have given him resides. “You didn’t have to, because it belonged to someone else, yet you gave it to me anyways. In that, you have made me happier than I could ever express or you could possibly know.”

Happiness overflows in me, a feeling of serenity covers me where I stand. In this moment, I know I did the right thing.

“Zak, my heart did belong to someone else. But I know when Jacob died, he didn’t take my heart with him. He knew I needed to love again, to live life. Maybe he knew you would come along or he was just hoping that I would find someone I could share my life with. Either way, it belongs to you now.”

His lips descend on mine once again and we stop moving as the music plays on. Standing in the middle of the dance floor, forgetting everyone in the outside world for just a moment while we bask in the passion flowing between us. I believe that I have finally found my happiness. It may not always be easy going and I’m sure there will be some hard times that we will face, but I’m thankful that I was able to figure this all out and give love a second chance. I know beyond all doubt that I won’t have to face anything alone again. This strong, caring, amazing man will always be by my side.

We decided that a long honeymoon wasn’t the best option for us since we have Braxton. Besides, we would both rather be at home with him. Traditional wasn’t what we were going for anyways and really, both of us had already done the big wedding and honeymoon once before. All of our guest were spending the night and leaving first thing in the morning. Zak and I would go home on Monday morning. Amy had volunteered to keep Braxton and he wasn’t complaining about going home with them. He never does when it comes to being around Allie.

The sun was up and everyone enjoyed breakfast together before they all left for home. We said our goodbyes and watched until the cars disappeared from our view.

“What shall we do now?” I ask, turning around to the front of the casino.

“Well, we could play some blackjack. Or,” Zak paused, placing his finger on his temple as if he were thinking. A devious grin crosses his face. “, we could always stay in the room and not come out until we have to leave tomorrow.”

I wasted no time pulling him behind me as I led the way back into the casino and hotel, toward the bank of elevators that would take us to our room.

November 25
th
, 2010

It’s Thanksgiving and I am just putting the finishing touches on dinner. There’s a football game on the TV in the living room where all of the men are cheering and discussing the game. Amy, our moms, and I have been busy in the kitchen, while the kids are watching Christmas cartoons on the TV in Braxton’s room. When the table is set and all of the food is laid out, I call the guys to the dining room for dinner. Amy already has Braxton and Allie set up with their plates made at the little table we set up for them.

The food was great and I, of course, ate way too much as usual. My parents went to bed a little bit ago. Amy’s parents are staying at her house and have already left as well. Zak and Shane are still watching football while both of the kids have fallen asleep. Amy and I take a mug of hot apple cider out onto the back deck. The sun has gone down behind the trees leaving only a glimmer of light. The darkening sky is shaded with deep purples and a hint of red. We sit in silence enjoying the peace of the evening for just a few minutes, but there is something I want to tell Amy, so I wait until I can no longer hold it in.

“I have to tell you something, but you have to promise this goes no further than us.” I give her a pointed look so that she knows I mean business.

              “You know you can trust me. What is it?”

              “Well, Zak and I, we weren’t going to tell anyone, but I can’t keep it in any longer. I have to tell someone or I might explode trying to keep this to myself,” I say, excitement coming off of me in waves, carrying over to Amy.

“Are you pregnant?” she guesses, giddiness and elation shine from her eyes, and shows from the bouncing she is doing in her seat.

“Calm down. No, I’m not pregnant.” Her face falls with my words. “But, we want to be.”

The excitement is back and I have to hush her as she shrieks in a high pitch that would set the neighbors dogs to howling.

“That’s wonderful, Anna! I am so happy for you!”

“We want to start trying after the holidays.”

“I think that’s great. Allie is a handful all by herself. I don’t think I have the patience you do,” Amy shakes her head and lets out a laugh.

“Braxton is a handful as well. But I really want to give Zak a little boy or girl that is part of both of us. I know he loves Braxton, he treats him as if he is his own already, but it’s not the same, really.”

“I understand, Anna. You don’t have to justify anything with me. I think it’s a wonderful thing and you deserve every ounce of happiness that comes your way. You and Zak both do.”

We sit under the stars, silent, but content. There is an undeniable calm in the air. This is how my life should have been all along. Sometimes though, we have to go through the valley to find our mountain. Right now, I am on top of that mountain and it’s a place I never want to leave.

Chapter Thirty-Four

May 20
th
, 2011

Zak and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost four months now. We have been unsuccessful so far. I started worrying and getting more discouraged with every month that passed. So now, we are in the waiting room of my doctor’s office to see if there is something wrong that is keeping us from having a baby. My nerves are shot and I am fearful of what they will tell us. Zak has been the rock through all of this, assuring me that even if we can’t have kids, that Braxton and I are enough for him.

“Anna Green?” the girl in scrubs calls into the reception area. I stand, as does Zak, and we make our way to the door the nurse is waiting at. “Follow me.”

She leads me over to a triage area where she gets my weight and vital signs. From there, we are taken to a room to wait for Dr. Stillwell. It’s only a few minutes before he enters the room.

“Good morning,” he says, his eyes scanning the chart he is holding.

“Good morning,” Zak answers in return. I on the other hand am too nervous to speak so I cast a slight grin that is more of a grimace, in the doctor’s direction.

Dr. Stillwell ask me the basic questions, how am I feeling, have I changed anything from the normal, am I having pains anywhere and so on. I answer no to all of the questions. I know I’ve been tired lately, but what mom of a six year old isn’t tired?

“I’d like to order some bloodwork. I’d also like to set up an ultrasound. Your records indicate there was some damage to some of your organs when you had your car wreck, so I’d like to just take a look and make sure that your uterus wasn’t damaged. Given the severity of your other injuries, I want to make sure nothing was overlooked.”

I didn’t hear much of what Dr. Stillwell said after that, fear was gripping my insides. My legs moved on their own as I followed Zak out of the room. Zak scheduled my ultrasound, or I think he did. There are too many thoughts racing around in my head and I can’t seem to hang on to a single one of them. The radio plays in the car, the sound low. Zak reaches over threading his fingers with mine. I stare at our joined hands, the fear in me too much to bear. I watch as a tear falls from my eye, landing on the back of his hand, sliding off to the side.

“Anna,” Zak says, trying to pull me from my thoughts of despair. “It’s all going to be okay. No matter what the test show, no matter the outcome, we’re going to be fine.”

“How can you say that? What if I can’t give you this?” The tears seem to fall in torrents, sliding down my face and dripping from my chin.

“Nothing will change the way I feel about you. Don’t you see that? Don’t you understand how much I love you? I have told you and I mean it, Anna, you and Braxton will always be enough for me.”

“Don’t you want a baby of your own?”

“Of course, but even if that isn’t a possibility, I will still have all I will ever need.”

The next week and a half dragged by at a snail’s pace. I had the ultrasound done three days ago. I walked around in a daze most of the time. Every possible scenari
o
was thought of, every outcome the same. Where there should have been hope, I was empty. Zak did his best to stay positive for both of us. When he was at home, it was easier to deal with. Watching him with Braxton, I knew he meant every word he said, but in the back of my mind, I also knew what it would mean to him to have a child of his own. One created out of the love we shared.

The ringing phone bounced and vibrated on the counter top. I stared at it as if would burn me to ashes if I dared to answer it. I reach out and pick it up, answering it with a heavy sense of forlornness. I listen as the voice on the other end tells me that I need to come into the office to discuss the result. We set the appointment for the next morning. I mindlessly give my thanks and hang up, immediately dialing Zak’s number. I tell him about the appointment.

“Do you need me to come home?” he ask, concern very evident in his voice.

“No, I’ll be okay. I just worry. All of the what if’s, the unknown, I just feel like I already know the answer and I don’t know how to deal with that.”

“You don’t know the answer, babe. And even if what you are thinking is right, we’ll make it through this. You’ll always have me.” His voice soothes my soul, calms my fears, and brings the first feelings that, whatever the answer will be, everything will be okay.

June 2
nd
, 2011

The somber look on Dr. Stillwell’s face when he entered the exam room said all I needed to know before he ever spoke the first word.

“Anna, Zak, there’s no easy way to say this. Your ultrasound showed a couple of things. First, your uterus is tilted, enough so that, that alone would keep you from getting pregnant, or make it very difficult for you to conceive. The second thing is your ovaries.”

I give him a puzzled look as Zak reaches over taking my hand in his own. 

“Do you know if at any point when you had surgery, or after, from your car accident, if anyone ever mentioned damage to your ovaries?” he asked.

I stare at him blankly, my heart now somewhere near the floor with my shoes. Why would he ask that? Wouldn’t someone have told me if they had noticed something wrong with them? I answer him the best I can, the tremble in my voice noticeable, causing my voice to sound weak and quiet.

“I don’t know. I don’t remember a whole lot from my accident nor the early part of my hospital stay. They could have told me that I had three legs and I wouldn’t have known.” I glance over to Zak, who looks as if the weight of the world is now sitting on his shoulders. I can see understanding crossing his face as he takes in the doctors words.

“I’m sorry, Anna. There is no way for you to conceive or carry a baby at this point, nor in the foreseeable future.”

Dr. Stillwell gives me a few minutes to take in all the information he has given me. I’m not able to wallow in my self-pity or the devastation from hearing I can never give Zak a child before the Dr. breaks the silence, only to add more insult to injury.

“There’s more,” he says, waiting for me meet his gaze. I lift my eyes up to his, worry dominate in the pale shade of blue staring back at me. I squeeze Zak’s hand, sure the circulation is all but cut off. “Your bloodwork came back with some abnormalities. I’ve sent the report over to your family physician, Dr. Lexington. You’ll need to call her in the morning to set up an appointment for more testing. Again, I’m sorry to both of you.”

Making sure we had no questions, Dr. Stillwell leaves the small room. The walls feel as if they are closing in on me. I have so many questions, none of which can be answered yet. How could I not know that part of me was damaged beyond use? Not only that, what could possibly show up in my bloodwork that would have him rushing me to make an appointment with my family doctor? Now, along with the fear, worry is vying for front runner of my emotions. The one grain of sanity I have left soothes me with his touch.

“We are going to get this figured out and we are going to fix it.” Zak says, more for himself or for me, I’m not sure.

“How? How do you fix me being infertile? How do we fix whatever my blood is showing is wrong? It all seems so hopeless.”

“Nothing is hopeless, Anna. Whatever it is, we’ll fight it together. It may not be anything at all, even. We don’t know. Please, don’t do this to yourself. We shouldn’t worry until we know for sure what, if anything, we are up against.”

“Easier said than done.”

“Try, please?” he pleads with me.

“I’ll try, I promise.” I just hope that this is one promise I can keep.