Finding Strength (22 page)

Chapter Thirty-Five

June 13
th
, 2011

The last week, I drove myself, and everyone around me, crazy. I have worried and wondered, prayed and tried to have some hope that everything will turn out okay. I’ve already been hit with the overwhelming news of never being able to have another child. It’s my own fault, I should have never reacted the way I did in the store that day. I did this to us. That transgression is mine, and mine alone. Zak has done everything he can to keep me from feeling the shame and constantly condemning myself. I have to say that he is very persistent and has an air about him that could calm a stormy sea.

The waiting area for my family doctor is bland. Generic pictures are scattered about on the walls, which are a beige color. It makes the room feel gloomy, as if people didn’t feel bad enough when they came here. I hear my name being called and Zak and I follow the nurse back to triage. I go through the same routine of getting my vitals checked and then we are lead back to the exam room to wait for Dr. Lexington. Ten minutes later, the brunette with ice blue eyes walks into the room.

“Hello, Anna,” Dr. Lexington says, holding out her hand for a formal handshake. I grasp her hand and shake lightly while telling her hello, my voice timid, laced with dismay. “Dr. Stillwell sent over your records and I have some concerns about your bloodwork. I have my suspicions as to what this could be, but I’ll need more information from you first.”

“Okay.”

“Have you been feeling more tired than usual lately?” she ask, pen poised over the chart ready to record my answer.

“I have, but I just thought it was normal. After all, I do chase after a six year old.”

“Any low grade fevers? Rashes? Pain when you take a deep breath?”

“No fevers or rashes that I can recall. I have had some pain breathing in, but again, I didn’t think it was something I should be concerned with.”

“I’ve looked back over your chart and see where you had a bacterial infection when you had surgery. That, combined with the medicines you were on, could have possibly caused Systemic Lupus Erythematosus or SLE. This would definitely make your bloodwork come back abnormal. I want to run a couple of blood test and go from there.”

I had my blood drawn before leaving the office and made a follow up visit for two weeks from today. I don’t know anything about Lupus or what it does. Dr. Lexington gave me some pamphlets to read over but I’m scared to death to even look at them. I mean, yeah, I’ve heard of it before, but it’s not something that I know much about other than the name. There’s not much I can do but wait and see. In the meantime, I need to research Lupus so that I am better aware of the symptoms and treatments just in case this is what I have.

The last seven days have put me to the test. I haven’t forgotten that I can no longer have children, but that has been pushed back into the corner of my mind. The possibility of me having something that could be damaging my organs has controlled all of my thoughts. Either I have increased symptoms or my mind is playing one heck of a dirty trick on my body. My breathing has become a little labored and it seems that every deep breath I take is followed by a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest. The fatigue that I had before has become increasingly more with every day that goes by. Your mind does tend to make you think things that really are not there, or make the simplest things worse, and I really hope that is the case this time. Maybe I should have just waited until I knew for sure before reading about Lupus.

The TV is on, but turned down low so that I can barely hear it. Braxton is at Amy’s house and Zak is at work. I decided to read a little while I have the house to myself. I must have fallen asleep reading. I was awaken by Zak gently shaking my shoulder. I jump up, knocking my e-reader to the floor.

“I’m sorry, babe. I fell asleep,” I say, bending down to pick the device up off of the floor.

“You feeling okay?” Zak ask, and I know he is concerned because it’s visible on his face. The lines on his forehead are more prominent, and the slight frown on his face turns his beautiful lips down at the corners.

“Yeah, I guess I was tired.”

“I can make dinner or we can just order a pizza or Chinese?”

“Chinese sounds good.”

Finally the day of my appointment arrived. I’m a nervous wreck and as always, Zak is the rock that I need. He’s worried, but able to keep his composure. I on the other hand, paced around the house all morning, wearing myself out before we even left the house. I wish Dr. Lexington would hurry up and walk through the door. The waiting is the hardest part. Not more than thirty seconds after that thought zipped through my brain, the door opens and she walks in.

“Hey guys. So, I have the results back and it confirmed that you do indeed have SLE. I am going to start you on an anti-inflammatory drug along with a corticosteroid. I would like for you to have a CT scan and an EKG, and a 3D Echo. I need to check your lungs and your heart since you have been having the chest pain. How have you been feeling the past week, Anna?”

“Tired. I’ve also noticed the pains more, but I think it was my mind making things worse that what they really are.”

“Well, we aren’t going to take any chances. If your organs are damaged, we need to try to correct that, hence the reason for the medication. When I have the results back from your CT and Echo, then I can better determine our course of action and set forth a plan.”

“What happens if my lungs and heart are damaged?” I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer but knowing I needed to.

“That depends on how bad the damage is. With Lupus, if your heart is damaged, it can cause Congestive Heart Failure. Did you read the pamphlets I sent home with you?”

“I did, until they started freaking me out and making me think I was dying.”

“Then you know that with SLE, your immune system doesn’t work right. Your antibodies will attack the membranes around your heart and lungs, presuming that is what the test shows, causing fluid to build up. Too much pressure can make breathing difficult. I want you to let me know if at any time you experience a new symptom, or your current symptoms become more prevalent. It’s very important that you don’t wait. The faster we know something is going on, the better chance we have to combat it.”

“If my heart and lungs are damaged, what are my chances of living a normal life?” I question. This is what worries me the most. I have a son and a husband who I want to be here for.

“Most people with SLE live pretty normal lives with minimal restrictions. That all will depend on the answers we receive from the test. I have to be straight with you, Anna. There is a chance that if your heart and lungs have already suffered damage, this may very well become life threatening.”

My body goes numb at her words. After all life has thrown my way, the obstacles I have had to overcome, it may just throw me a curve ball that I can’t avoid, nor win against. A sinister laugh slips from my lips, the irony of my life is harsh. Unbelievable!

I left the doctor’s office with two prescriptions and a copy of the orders for the three test Dr. Lexington wants me to have. The girls at the front desk said they would make the appointments and then call me with the date and time I am to be at the hospital. Here we go again with the waiting period, except this time, I know what it is I have, just not how bad.

“I see your wheels turning, Anna. Talk to me.”

“I’m just scared. What if my lungs and heart are damaged? What if it can’t be stopped or fixed? What is going to happen to me?” Tears build up, blurring my vision. I don’t try to stop them from spilling over, the fear is far too real.

“I’m scared, too. You have me, though. I’m not going to let you go through anything alone.”

Knowing that Zak is just as scared as I am makes this all the more real. I’m not sure what all lies ahead for us, but I am so grateful to have someone so strong, loving, gentle, and brave standing beside me in this battle.

Chapter Thirty-Six

Present Day

The mid-day sun is burning bright. It’s now bordering on scorching outside and sweat has beaded on my forehead and neck.

“Are you ready to go in? I’m starting to sweat like a pig,” I tell Amy, wiping the sweat from my brow.

“I thought you were going to let us cook out here!” Amy laughs and gets up from the chair. We gather up our mugs and make our way into the kitchen.

“What do you have to eat in here?” Amy opens and closes the pantry door, then does the same to the refrigerator.

“Zak hasn’t been to the store. I don’t think there is much to choose from unless you want a hot dog?” I watch as Amy scrunches up her nose. There’s no stopping the laugh that escapes me.

“You feel up to riding to town? I could go for a greasy burger right about now.”

“I can handle that.”

Being out of the house has never felt more freeing. When you fight to breathe, or just to stay awake, your bed becomes a sort of prison. Always holding you hostage, with your illness as the guard. I take in every bit of passing scenery, no longer taking anything for granted. I have learned to appreciate even the little things in life and so on my good days, I try to do and see as much as I can. I never know when or if my SLE will once again confine me inside the four walls of my bedroom.

Amy and I order the messiest burger that Burger Heaven serves and a cherry coke to wash it all down with. I haven’t had a cheeseburger this good since our last cookout, which has been a long while. I long for the days past before my body started attacking itself. As my mind drifts to the memories of happier times, I can feel the sadness starting to roll in. I don’t want that to overshadow my time with Amy, so I push it back and focus on the present.

When we return home, we decide to take our project into the living room. The air conditioner feels much better than the heat from the sun. There’s only a few more hours left before Braxton and Zak will be home and we’ll have to call it quits for the day. Making ourselves comfortable on the sofa, I take us back to the day I found out just how sick I truly was.

July 5
th
, 2011

I had to wait until after the holidays to have my test scheduled. To say I enjoyed the cookout and gathering of family and friends would be a lie. There’s no other way to put it. The storm that was brewing set my mind into a whirlwind, every single nerve ending setting off impulses of electricity touching every part of me, kept me on edge and not allowing me a minute’s respite.

I have the test done, none of them taking longer than twenty minutes or so each and then we are on the way home. For the third time in less than a month, I am forced to be a participant in that dreadful game of waiting. Zak pulls the truck into the grocery store and tells me to wait here while he goes in for a few things that we need. Sighing, I know it’s probably best. If I go in the store now, I’ll probably wind up buying all the Twinkies and Oreos to binge on later.

Three days.

Three days was all it took for the results to come back. When the phone rang, I was startled, just about jumping out of my own skin. Hesitantly, I answered it. Dr. Lexington requested that I come in to the office the following morning to discuss the results. After hanging up with her, I called Zak to let him know. I spent the rest of the day doing any mundane task that I could find in an effort to keep from worrying myself sick. No pun intended. Not that it worked, but at least I wasn’t curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth looking as though I belonged in a padded room somewhere.

“Your heart and your lungs are both damaged, Anna. I think the best course of action is to closely monitor your condition and keeping with the medications I have already given you.”

“I don’t understand. How could I not be aware of something that was doing irrevocable damage to two of the most important organs I have?” I questioned the doctor. Shouldn’t there have been some sort of sign? Wouldn’t I have felt it?

“Everyone reacts differently, Anna. There’s not an answer I can give you that will explain this away or make you feel better in the process. Just know, I will do everything that I can to make sure you have the best quality of life and that every step is taken to ensure you live a long time.” The sincerity in her eyes is unfathomable. If I had met Dr. Lexington under different circumstances, I am sure she would be someone that I would have been close friends with. She reminded me a lot of Amy with her mannerisms and complete nurturing aura.

We had decided not to tell anyone about my diagnosis until we knew everything. Now that we know, I had to make a call to my parents. I was not looking forward to this. My mother would most definitely be devastated. She’s a pretty strong willed person, but when it comes to her only daughter, I’m sure even the strongest of women would fall. It was exactly as I thought. My mom had to hand the phone off to my dad. I told him what was going on with me and assured him that I would keep them updated. He informed me that they planned on coming over within the next couple of weeks to help out. I tried to let him know I wasn’t incapable of taking care of myself or my family, but he just shushed me and asked that I just let them do this. I agreed. We said I love you and our goodbyes and then hung up the phone.

Zak made the phone call to Shane and Amy. He didn’t explain anything over the phone. He invited them over for dinner, telling them that there was something we needed to talk to them about. Shane tried to get more information from Zak but finally gave up and said they would be here in a few hours. 

When Amy walked into the house, she knew there was something wrong. My expression must have given it away, even though I did my best to hide my concern and fear. I knew just as sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west that this wasn’t going to be an easy thing to tell my lifelong friend. When she pulled me into a hug, I knew right then that I would have the support of her no matter how heartbreaking this may become. There’s no words to ever describe how grateful I am to her, and for her.

There is no way that I would be able to tell these two very important people that I may very well be battling for my life. We sent the kids to Braxton’s room with a movie. Everyone finds a seat in the living room. As Zak starts to speak, I lean into him, finding strength in the feeling of his warmth, the fervor and complete peace that he gives to me simply by being in his presence.

“You both know that Anna and I have been trying for a baby these past several months.” Both Shane and Amy nod their head, neither of them saying a word. “After trying for so long without any results, we decided to see the doctor. Anna’s ovaries were damaged during her accident.” Zak looks to Amy, “Did you ever hear the doctors back then mention it?”

“No, I had no idea.” And just as a light would come on when you flipped the switched, the reality of the situation sinks in and Amy’s eyes immediately fill with tears. “Oh, my gosh! I’m so sorry!” Her hand covers her chest as if she can hold her heart inside and keep it from breaking.

“That’s not all,” Zak says as if reading it from a script, just trying to push through and get the lines out. “Her uterus is also titled, too far to even carry a child even if she could. They ran some bloodwork and some other test. The results aren’t good.” Zak pauses and takes a deep breath in. My eyes never leave Amy’s as I watch different emotions playing out on her face. There is an indescribable feeling sitting heavy on my chest. I hurt for my friend. I’m the one who is sick and yet, my heart hurts so much for her. “The test show that Anna has SLE, or Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. The doctors believe that the infection she had after her accident, combined with the medications are the cause. Since Anna didn’t really notice any symptoms, and the ones she did have she passed off as just being normal, her lungs and her heart are now damaged.”

No one said anything for a few minutes. Zak and I let Shane and Amy process all that they were told. It was a stunned silence. Shock, horror, fear, worry, and sadness were all present in the faces of our friends. Finally, Amy spoke up, her demeanor changing to anger.

“What can they do? What are they doing to fix this?”

Finding my voice, I answer her. “I’m on medication and they will closely monitor my heart and lungs.”

“That’s it? That’s all they can do?” she ask, her voice rising as her disbelief heavily laces her words. She stands abruptly from her seat on the couch and paces the length of the room. “There has to be something they can do!”

“They’re doing everything they can.”

There was a dark cloud that hung about the room. One that pulled the very essence of each one of us into its embrace. Each person, professedly lost in their own thoughts, sat stoic and solemn. One voice breaks through the silence, the assuredness behind the syllables suggest a newfound strength and hope.

“We’re in this with you. We will not lose.” Amy declares, splitting the dark cloud in two and dissipating the heaviness.