Finding Strength (17 page)

“Don’t let it win, Anna. Don’t let fear destroy something that could be so beautiful for you before you even give it a chance to play out.”

We let go of each other and laugh when we hear Shane grumbling, rather loudly, about women and starving to death.

“Call everyone to the table, Shane,” Amy tells him and he does, yelling that it’s time to get our grub on. Men! Everyone piles into the kitchen, grace is said and then the plates are piled high with everything from turkey and dressing to potato salad and all the traditional thanksgiving foods. There’s a long table set up in the living room, since it’s too cold outside to eat and the kitchen table is dominated by all the platters and bowls of food. My parents along with Shane’s and Amy’s parents, all sit at one end of the table with the grandkids between them. The rest of us, mostly family, but some friends from Shane’s work as well, take ou
r
seats and everyone enjoys the meal and conversation.

Dinner’s over, the food cleared from the table, a football game is on the TV while everyone enjoys dessert. No one mentioned the heart on the pie, but only Amy, Zak, and I know who put it there and why. Amy’s words have been hovering in the back of my mind all night. Can I take that chance and let go of the fear, risk ruining my heart that’s been broken so many times before? I don’t know the answer to that, and so for now, I’ll just keep letting things be the way they are hoping that I don’t push Zak to the point of no longer having patience with me. On some level though, I think my head already knows what my heart refuses to admit, I’m already in too deep and it’d break now if he were to walk away. 

Chapter Twenty-Six

December 25
th
, 2008

The pitter-pat of little feet wakes me from my sleep. Looking at the clock, I see that it is seven-thirty. Braxton slept longer than I thought he would for as hyper and excited for Santa as he was last night. I thought that kid would never go to bed. I push the blanket off of me and get out of bed just as Braxton runs into the room.

“Mommy, Santa! Let’s go see, Mommy!” he shouts while bouncing around the room.

“Okay, okay, we’re going.”

Braxton makes a beeline for the living room and the Christmas tree. There are wrapped and unwrapped gifts galore, it looks like a toy store exploded in my house. Braxton goes straight for the ride on Jeep and climbs in. Zak brought it over late last night after Braxton was asleep. He insisted that every little boy needed one and that he was getting Braxton his very own for Christmas. I tried to talk Zak out of spending so much on him, but he wouldn’t hear of it. While Braxton is busy with the Jeep, I get my cell phone from my room and then snap a few pictures. It’s still pretty early, so I send them to Zak in a text message. Minutes later, the phone rings.

“Merry Christmas, Zak,” I answer.

“Merry Christmas, Anna. I see Braxton likes his Jeep.”

“He won’t get out of it long enough to see what else he got.” Zak’s laugh trickles through the phone line, causing me to grin at the sound. He’s supposed to come over later when everyone else comes for dinner, but to be honest, I want him to enjoy this time with me now. “What are you up to this morning?” I ask.

“Nothing much, drinking a cup of coffee, talking to you.”

“Do you want to come over?”

“Are you sure?” he ask, there’s a hint of doubt in his voice.

“I’m sure.”

Zak makes it to the house half an hour later and shakes his head, the most beautiful grin on his face, when he sees Braxton has not moved from the Jeep.

When Braxton notices Zak, he forgets the Jeep at least for a minute, climbs out and runs to him. He stretches his arms up and Zak picks him up. Sadness rushes over me that Jacob isn’t able to do this for Braxton. He should be the one holding his son. I try to push the feelings away, but it’s hard to do. I’m glad that Braxton has someone that he can go to, that he trust and loves. I don’t want to be sad today.

“I’ll make us some coffee,” I tell Zak and turn toward the kitchen before he can notice the dysphoria that has come across me.

I take my time making the coffee trying to shake the despair I feel. It gets easier every day that gets ticked off of the calendar, however, it’s times like these when I miss Jacob the most. I know he wouldn’t want me upset, or swimming in the sea of my own self-pity. I take a deep breath and try to focus on what Jacob would want for me and Braxton and it helps to lessen the heartache.

“Need any help?” Zak says from the entryway of the kitchen. Forcing the remaining sadness away and out of my mind, I pick up the two cups in front of me and turn around, holding one out to Zak.

“Here you go.” Zak takes the cup I offer him.

“I think Braxton is ready for his other presents,” he says, offering a smile. Maybe I didn’t completely hide the sadness from earlier as I thought I had.

“It’s about time,” I say, letting out a soft laugh. I smile at Zak to ease any worry. It’s not him, it’s not his fault, it’s all me, Anna, and the fear that I cling to as if it will save me.

Returning to the living room, Braxton is digging through the gifts, scattering them across the floor.

“Brax, what are you doing?” I ask.

“Where’s mine?”

“Here, let me help you.” I pick up each gift one by one setting all of Braxton’s in front of him while placing the ones for everyone else back under the tree. “You can open them now.”

I don’t have to tell him twice. He goes to town tearing the paper and throwing it in all directions. “Maybe I should have brought a trash bag in here, he’s like a mini tornado,” I say through my laughter.

Braxton oooh’d and ahhh’d at every gift he opened only taking a few minutes to admire his new toys before moving on to the next. After he had them all opened, he set about trying to get them out of the boxes. Zak went over and helped him while I went and got a trash bag and started picking up the paper mess. I set the bag next to Zak once everything is picked up so that he can put the box trash in there, too. Finally, all of the toys are free and Braxton is entertaining himself.

I take a seat next to Zak, who is now on the couch watching Braxton, answering him with “that’s cool, buddy” or something similar every time he shows him a different toy. I’m watching Braxton when I feel something nudge my arm. I look over to Zak who is holding out an oblong box wrapped in white paper with candy canes. I move my eyes from the box up to his face.

“Merry Christmas, Sunshine,” he says, holding the box out for me to take.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” I say, taking the box from his hand, my own hands shaking.

“I didn’t have to, I wanted to.”

I peel back the paper slowly, as if whatever is in the box will jump out and bite me if I go too fast. When I slide the lid off of the box, the most beautiful necklace is revealed. The gold heart shaped pendent is engraved with the letters J, A, L, and B written in an elegant script on the front. I pick up the necklace letting the chain fall through my fingers as I get a closer look at the heart. Flipping it over I read the words engraved on the back,
With love, Zak
.

I suck in a sharp breath. I am overwhelmed with emotions, a single drop of salt water slides down my cheek. This time though, it’s not from sadness or pain, it’s from pure unadulterated happiness. The fact that he would include Jacob warms my heart. Without thinking, I pull him to me, bringing his lips to mine in a slow, sweet, and tender kiss. Pulling back I look into his eyes, “Thank you, Zak. It’s beautiful.” I hand him the necklace and he gives me a puzzled look. “Can you put it on me?” He moves my hair to one shoulder, sliding the necklace into place, clasping it shut. His lips move along my neck following the path of the chain. I close my eyes in contentment and enjoy the feel of him exploring my neck. Too soon, his lips leave my neck and I sigh at the loss of contact.

I walk over to the tree and pick up the present for Zak. I wasn’t sure what to get him and I’m not sure he will like it, but it’s too late to turn back now. I hand him the box and he waste no time unwrapping it. When he pulls out the boots, branded with the Alabama Crimson Tide mark, I know he loves it. His smile is brilliant and reaches his eyes. He starts to take off the boots he currently has on making me question what he is doing.

“I’m putting these on. What did you think I was doing?” he ask, a sly grin in place.

“I wasn’t sure to be honest. I guess this means you like them?”

“Like them? I love them,” he says as he slides hi
s
feet into the boots.

“I didn’t know what to get you.”

“They are perfect.”

Zak keeps Braxton busy with his new toys while I start on making dinner. I cooked the turkey yesterday and prepped most of the food so that it just needed baked today. I hear the front door open and moments later, Amy is standing in the kitchen.

“Need a hand?” she ask.

“That’d be great. I don’t know what I was thinking doing all of this by myself. It’s a lot more work than I thought.”

“That’s why you have me. I’m like your hero or something.”

“Or something,” I say, then laugh at the pout on her face. 

We work together getting the rest of the meal ready. It isn’t long before our family and friends show up, some placing gifts they brought under the tree, some trying to give them to Braxton. That’s a bad idea, he’ll open them whether or not they belong to him.

Dinner had been served and eaten and now everyone was in the living room sipping coffee or eggnog. My parents are on the love seat, Shane and Amy are on the floor with Braxton and Allie, Kolby, Paul, and Ronin brought in chairs from the kitchen and have them strategically placed throughout the living room, Amy’s parents are in the two recliners, and Zak and I were on the couch. The kids were getting anxious to open more presents and so Zak got up and was playing Santa passing the gifts out.

I look around and take in all of the people who are in my life and realize that I’m pretty lucky. My house is full, there is laughter, love, and friendship. After all of the pain, I still have a lot to live for. I have a lot to give to every single person here, especially my son. While I watch Zak, I notice all of the things that I like about him. His smile, his sense of humor, how he always treats Braxton as if he is his own son, and then I think of how he treats me. He gives me more than I deserve, more than I have ever given him, yet he never complains. I need to do some serious soul searching, I need to figure out where I see this going and if I have the ability within me to let the past go.

As I lay in bed, I give myself a moment to remember the past holidays spent with Lindsey and Jacob. I miss them, that part never changes. I don’t hurt as much now, at least not like I did and that makes me feel uneasy. Is the hurt supposed to go away? I allow every emotion to come out, dealing with each one the best I can, trying to understand them. I don’t want to be confused anymore. Maybe the best way is to just let things happen as they may and not worry about things that haven’t happened. The problem is, I’m still not sure how to do that. I close my eyes. The image of Zak when he gave me the necklace plays like a movie in the darkness and I fall into a peaceful sleep.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Present Day

Amy left a little while ago to attend a PTA meeting at the school. Braxton is out with my parents seeing the newest movie. Zak walks into the bedroom from the bathroom, towel around his waist, hair dripping, the droplets hitting his shoulders and running down his chest. I’ll never get tired of this view. He walks over to the side of the bed and sits on the edge next to me.

“How are feeling?” he ask.

“I’m a little tired, but otherwise, I’m okay.”

“Okay enough to go for a drive?”

“Where are we going?” I ask, wondering what he has up his sleeve.

“I thought we could go to the park, watch the sunset, just you and me.”

Zak drives us to the park. He pulls me close once we get out of the truck, keeping one arm around my back as he leads us to a bench that overlooks most of the park. The sun is slowly falling in the distance and with it, the colors come to life. We don’t talk, but there’s no need. We watch as the sun sinks further and further until it takes the last of the light with it behind the horizon.

I go back to bed once we return home. Zak lay
s
beside me, one arm stretched above his head and his eyes are closed. I turn to my side facing him and glide my fingers along his chest and back down. Zak opens his eyes and I can see the question there. I reach over letting my hand rest on his ribcage and attempt to pull him closer to me. He gets the message and turns on his side, laying his arm over my waist.

“Are you sure?” he asks. Instead of answering him, I close the distance between our lips. I may be ill, but right now there is nothing more that I want than him. He takes him time, making sure that I am okay. His movements are slow but deliberate, and I can feel him everywhere. This isn’t about sex, this is about love, the connection that we have. Two hearts that were once destroyed, mended by something stronger than the both of us. I cherish every sound, every touch, and every kiss. Zak looks at me, our eyes conveying what words cannot as we fall over the edge of bliss together.

Zak had already left for work when I woke up. I don’t feel all that well, but I chalk it up to the events of last night. Amy took notice but I told her I was fine and not to worry. If she didn’t believe me, she didn’t say anything. She has her pen poised over the notebookand so my story continues
.

February 13
th
, 2009

            
 
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and instead of going out on a romantic date, being wined and dined, Zak is having Braxton and me over for dinner. But for me, this is perfect. Our relationship has progressed, but I still hold back out of fear and out of guilt. A part of me wants to be able to let go and act on all of the feelings that I have for Zak, but there is also that part that refuses to let go of Jacob. It seems there is always an inner war, raging like an inferno, deep inside of me. It wears me out, drains me, and I want nothing more than make it all go away. Some days, everything seems to be moving along well, like I can breathe and just be, and others, well those days it’s a constant struggle to fight back against what my heart wants and what my mind knows I should do.

I have spent the entire day arguing with myself. Laying in the bed, I pull the covers over me and turn to my side. I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s okay to let Jacob go. It is hard, especially when you were so wrapped up in each other. It’s like working to break a knot that you know is unbreakable, yet you keep trying anyways. Zak is a great guy, Amy was right about that. His patience with me seems never ending. I’m afraid though, that everyone has their limits, and one day, that patience will run out. I’ve worried about this a lot, it’s something I remind myself of every single day. It frustrates me that I can set my mind to move forward, into a future that has so many possibilities but, I can’t completely convince my heart to follow through.

I’ve tried picturing the future, where I see myself and Braxton in the years to come. Do I want more? Do I want to marry again someday? Am I strong enough to face those answers and if so, do something about whatever my decision will be? Why can’t I just move forward, what is it that keeps me tied to the past and so tightly entwined with Jacob? Why can I not realize the reality that he is gone, he’s never coming back? The one question that plagues me the most is am I willing to take the risk of facing another possible loss. All of these thoughts and emotions are exhausting, draining me of every ounce of energy I had. I close my eyes and pray that sleep comes quickly.

The morning light shines through the window, brightening the room. Even after a peaceful sleep, I still feel as if I could close my eyes and sleep a little longer. I get up, get dressed, and make my way to the kitchen for some much needed caffeine. Braxton comes into the kitchen just as the coffee is done brewing. I start on breakfast, making biscuits and gravy. Braxton notices the candy hearts I set out for him on the table.

“You have to wait until after breakfast for those,” I tell him. He doesn’t argue, which means he can’t be fully awake yet.

I pull into Zak’s driveway, my nerves are on full alert and it feels like there are a hundred butterflies in my stomach. After my internal war yesterday, and still no definite answers, I’m beyond nervous. I shouldn’t be, but I am. I climb from the truck and move around to the back passenger side to unbuckle Braxton. We walk to the front door, taking a breath, I raise my han
d
and knock. When Zak opens the door, all thoughts of yesterday scatter to the wind. He looks amazing. He has on Khaki pants that hang just perfectly on his hips and the green button down shirt matches the color of his eyes. His hair is unkempt in that sexy kind of way, and his smile could melt any woman’s heart.

“Hey, Sunshine. Come in.” He steps back allowing Braxton and I to enter.

“Hey, Zak.” I am at a loss for words, still trying to keep the drool to a minimum. We follow Zak into the living room.

“Make yourself at home. I’m going to finish dinner.” He turns and walks to the kitchen. Braxton is pulling on his bag, working to free it from my shoulder so that he can get to his toys. I set the bag down for him then take a seat on the couch. It’s only a few minutes before Zak returns asking us to come to the dining room.

There are three candles lit in the center of the table. I notice a booster chair in one of the seats and wonder when he went and bought it. Zak puts forth so much thought and effort into Braxton and me. I’m slowly realizing that everything he does, he does with us in mind. I know I have to figure things out, and soon. It’s not fair to either of us for me to continue holding back if there is no way for me let go of what’s keeping me from giving more. I watch as Zak helps Braxton into the booster seat, then takes the few steps to where I am standing, pulling out the chair in front of me, offering me the seat.              

The food is amazing, flavors burst in my mouth bringing my taste buds to life. Zak prepared baked cod with mashed potatoes, green beans, and dinner yeast rolls. The conversation was flowing and Braxton was happily munching away on the food in front of him. I had a feeling come over me, one that I didn’t want to define but defined anyways. It felt like family, something I have missed and if I’m honest with myself, something I have longed for. I’m just afraid if I allow things to change any more than they have, that life will come along and rob me from the small piece of happiness I have found. That’s a risk I don’t know if I can take, or if I’m even willing to take.

We leave the dishes sitting on the table, Zak insisted that he would get them later. He leads us into the living room where he tells me to sit, pointing to the couch. He picks Braxton up and I watch as he carries him over to the fireplace. Braxton reaches out and picks something up, but I can’t make out what it is. When Zak sets him down, Braxton makes his way over to me. He places a small box in my lap then runs back over to Zak who quickly scoops him up again. I stare at the box. My heart rate picks up, breathing becomes difficult, and fear has overridden every other emotion in me, leaving me frozen in place.

Zak sits beside me on the couch. I can’t take my eyes off of the box on my lap. Zak reaches over and takes the box holding it out to me. Slowly, I lift my hand, taking it from him.

“Open it, Anna.”

I lift my eyes to his and there is nothing but veracity looking back at me. I try to shake off the fear that has me in a vice grip, to no avail. I do however, manage to remove the lid of the box and instant relief floods me as I see the object inside. A bracelet with the infinity symbol is tucked neatly into the box, resting against the velvet bottom. I pull the bracelet out to examine it closer.

“Thank you, it’s stunning,” I say, bringing my eyes once again to Zak’s. He reaches out, resting the palm of his hand against my cheek, his eyes burning into mine.

“You’re welcome. I wanted to give you something to remind you that no matter how long it takes, or if this is all you can ever offer me, I’ll take it and I’ll always be here.”

A single tear slides down my face at his words. I lean into his hand, feeling the warmth of his skin.

Later that night, in the quiet of my room, I sat on my bed looking at the bracelet. I let Zak’s words from earlier play on repeat in my mind. All of the fear I felt didn’t come from being with him, it came from the thought of losing him, not by some freak accident or intentional act, but from my heart that still refuses to acknowledge feeling something other than guilt over moving on without Jacob. I know I’ll have to make a decision and soon. That’s one bridge I’m not looking forward to coming to.